Is '5 Marks' a good resource for 'Biblical Marriage'?

[losh14]

A close friend of mine, who has been on quite a spiritual journey and recently is making large strides towards becoming Catholic, shared with me a website (abiblicalmarriage.com) that discusses the ‘5 Marks of a Biblical Marriage’, and relatedly ‘5 Marks of a Biblical Wife’ and ‘5 Marks of a Biblical Husband’. I wanted to get your thoughts on this site, and ask if you know good resources for discussing how to understand Scriptural teaching on marriage.

Note I put ‘Biblical Marriage’ in quotes because I’ve heard a lot of variants from my married friends - including one in which the wife is pretty much a docile homemaker who never questions her husband nor works outside the home except for his own business, and another that describes women as being essentially inferior to men, by God’s own design, no matter how gifted she may be - and I think it’s pretty bold to proclaim “do this and you’ll have a Biblical marriage”.That said, I don’t want to unfairly knock what I see as a lot of fruit of the Spirit in his and his wife’s life together lately.

I also struggle with the call for a wife’s submission to her husband. My wife and I have discussed it often in our 15 years together, and we feel more comfortable describing our relationship as a balance of mutual deferment. That doesn’t mean entirely equal work, nor does it mean she’ll stay home forever - indeed, she’s very talented and itching to get back into the workforce when our youngest child is in school, and she has my support and encouragement. Is there anything within Catholic teaching that suggests that God is offended by a woman working outside the home, or taking leadership on some aspects of the shared life while the husband takes leadership of other aspects (for example, my wife is a far better planner while I’m better with money).

Curious to hear feedback and thoughts. My God bless you abundantly.

 

[EasterJoy]

If God hadn’t meant for women to work outside the home for income, the description of the ideal wife in Proverbs 31 is a bit difficult to explain:

She picks out a field and acquires it; from her earnings she plants a vineyard.
Prov. 31:16

Note that she doesn’t earn money to just spend on herself. The money goes to the general needs of the household and because “she reaches out her hands to the poor, and extends her arms to the needy.” (Prov. 31:20)

I’d be a bit wary of some of these so-called biblical sites on running your life. It isn’t unusual for it to be the Gospel According to Somebody, and not somebody who has the pastoral office to guide Catholics. They just make stuff up that sounds good to them, and provide Bible verses to back up their bias. If you have a peaceful marriage, why try to distort it in ways that God never asked you to do?

 

[AdamP88]

It seems that there is some good advice in general. However his exegesis on submission is not quite correct.

Submission is such a touchy subject today, but it is clear what Scripture teaches on the subject. Those who find excuses in order to ignore it are doing just that, making excuses and not looking to Scripture as their final authority. In a Biblical marriage, where both spouses are striving to live their God-given roles, the husband would ideally lead his wive lovingly and she would graciously submit.

The Church doesn’t really teach that wives should be submissive to husbands in a degrading sort of way. The teaching goes both ways. The passage actually places more emphasis on the husband to sacrifice for the wife.

This is a good article looking at the passage in detail.

catholicculture.org/culture/library/view.cfm?recnum=6387

 

[1ke]

The website For Your Marriage is a Catholic sites under the direction of the USCCB.

foryourmarriage.org

 

[MT1926]

I also struggle with the call for a wife’s submission to her husband. My wife and I have discussed it often in our 15 years together, and we feel more comfortable describing our relationship as a balance of mutual deferment. That doesn’t mean entirely equal work, nor does it mean she’ll stay home forever - indeed, she’s very talented and itching to get back into the workforce when our youngest child is in school, and she has my support and encouragement. Is there anything within Catholic teaching that suggests that God is offended by a woman working outside the home, or taking leadership on some aspects of the shared life while the husband takes leadership of other aspects (for example, my wife is a far better planner while I’m better with money).

Curious to hear feedback and thoughts. My God bless you abundantly.

In regards to Ephesians 5 I always looked at it that verses 21 through 24 was written for the wife to read and understand that to submit means to not rule over your husband. However, it is not a passage for the husband to throw into her face. As a husband I keep reading to verse 25 in order to understand verses 21 through 24.

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,

Who has the greater task here? Christ gave everything for his church. Ask yourself, as a husband are you willing to do the same for your wife.

So therefore, I see it that a wife is suppose to submit to her husband who in turn is suppose to give all that he is to his wife. Which at some points in time could include submitting to his wife’s wants and needs. Basically, we are equals in the relationship.

I don’t know of any teaching opposed to women working outside the home.

When our kids were young, I worked 65 hours a week, so she wouldn’t have to work, came home did all the farm and yard work, helped with the cooking, wasn’t to good at the cleaning, handled the finances, etc. basically slept about 3 hours a day. And she concentrated on the kids.

I loved my wife as Jesus did his church, because she had the most important of all the jobs that need done.

God Bless

 

[ToeInTheWater]

I browsed the site a little and read the “5 Marks” articles and a few others. I didn’t see much there that was problematic in the “5 Marks” articles, but they are pretty superficial. Submission is mentioned, yes, but not discussed in detail. It’s not even as conservative as some people on CAF.

For example, I often see the Complementarians on this site, compare the marriage relationship to a CEO and subordinates in a company, or an officer and subordinate in the military . Yet, the “5 Marks of a Biblical Husband” article expressly rejects the “CEO” and “general” comparison:

God makes it clear in the Bible that the husband is to be the leader in the marriage relationship. This is not worldly leadership, typified by the CEO of a company, or a military general, but Christ-like leadership, as modeled by Jesus in the scriptures.

A husband’s leadership is very different from worldly leadership. This is primarily because a biblical husband is a servant-leader, as exemplified by Christ. Although this sounds paradoxical, servanthood and leadership coalesce very naturally. Christ was the perfect model of a servant while at the same time being the ideal leader.

I don’t see much problematic in that, though I’m curious as to exactly what the author thinks being a “servant-leader” means in practical terms.

On the other hand, there is an article on the site titled “Why Should My Wife Obey Me” that DOES compare marriage to hierarchial relationships, positing “Imagine if there were 2 presidents with equal powers”.

It also has a link to an article, “5 Ways to Recapture Respect For your Husband”, that states “A Godly wife seeks to respect her husband whether her man is worthy of respect or not because this is the command that the Lord has given us.” Apparently, this includes abusers and adulterers, as the article also states:

A wife can lose respect for her husband for a number of reasons:

He’s made poor business decisions.

He’s made unwise choices with the finances.

He’s not a good father, he’s harsh with the kids or he’s distant towards them.

He’s a lazy worker.

His character leaves a lot to be desired.

He’s dabbled into pornography or he’s had a physical or an emotional affair.

He’s rude and insensitive towards you and the last thing you feel from him is his love.

So, how to respect such a husband?

Be mindful of your own sins, shortcomings, and failures. (This is imperative, wife!) When you look at life through this lens, it will be easier for you to let go of your husband’s past mistakes. But if you keep condemning him, even if it is just in your heart, then don’t expect to have a great marriage because one of the key components to having a great marriage is extending respect to your husband. Without your man receiving your respect, it makes his role of loving you, oh so difficult!

Having an affair is NOT what I’d characterize as a “mistake”. At least the article doesn’t list actual physical abuse, but certainly, many people with this mindset find emotional and psychological abuse to be acceptable “mistakes”.

The site actually seems to be a mishmash of articles written by many contributors, some who have a very conservative take on “Biblical Marriage”, and others, not so much. It’s not just The Gospel According to Somebody, but The Gospel According to Many Somebodies.

Also, most of the articles I read were very general and didn’t delve into the nitty-gritty of how people are to actually live out these “Biblical” principles. I think one reason this may be, is that there really isn’t that much you can squeeze out of the Bible in terms of marriage advice. So, the whole idea of “Biblical Marriage” I think is rather limiting.