Is a lie a mortal or venial sin?

[LittleFlower378]

When something is intrinsically evil, as lying is, then no intention or circumstance can allow one to lie. In the instance where you wife says do I look good in this dress, I would say if it’s immodest you may want to say something, but if you for instance don’t like the pattern, you could say something like “you look beautiful in anything hunny.” Which isn’t lying but instead refraining from what might be an argument. Or you can say “you look beautiful in anything hunny, but that pattern or style isn’t my favorite.”

Personaly I don’t care what pattern or style my wife wears as long as it’s modest.

 

[blackforest]

On bad days, my response to close friends is an eye-rolling but light-hearted, “Are you sure you want to ask?” To strangers and casual contacts: “Hanging in there. How are you?”

Not to beat a dead horse

It’s OK, you’re asking valid questions.

I hate to sound harsh, but it isn’t considerate or charitable to be constantly pecking at somebody to provide validation. I speak as someone who’s spent half of my life putting others in this awkward position.

There’s simply no Right Answer to that question. You an A) tell the truth that they look overweight and hurt their feelings, B) tell the truth that they don’t look overweight, and they won’t believe you, or C) lie that they look “great” . . . and they won’t believe you.

I think the best approach to this particular scenario is preemptive. Without prompting, compliment her . . . frequently and sincerely. She obviously has deeper issues that need to be addressed, and this won’t be a good long-term solution. But she might start asking less if she’s already getting a steady validation supply.

A man asked me to go to an event with him and I lied and said I was sick. I lied because his attention makes me feel uncomfortable and also because my mother disapproves of him.

Speaking of long-term solutions . . .you’ll need to come up with one for this guy. There’s no easy way to do it, either, but it’s a healthy boundary to set. Besides, how many more lies are you willing to tell to blow this guy off?

 

[TK421]

Is lying ALWAYS a sin? What if a co-worker at your job asks you in passing “How are you?” and you answer according to etiquette and script, “OK” or “Not bad,” even though you are feeling not good emotionally? Is such social normative behavior regarded as a sin? Are you required to answer “I’m not feeling good” or not answer at all if you don’t wish to alarm this work acquaintance? Is this act “intrinsically evil”?

“How are you?” is a bad greeting exactly for this reason. People could be going through a divorce or the recent death of a relative or family member or have a sickness and there is the pervasive “how are you?” at work or at school.

 

[JimR-OCDS]

For a lie to be mortal, it has to be committed with full knowledge and willful malice in order to hurt the other person and for the personal gain if one’s self.

A husband telling his wife that she looks good in the dress she’s asking about, even though he doesn’t like it, may be an untruth, or just his own personal dislike of the dress. Although he’s not being honest, he’s trying not to hurt her feelings.

However, it’s good to keep in mind that the lie you tell today, will force you to lie tomorrow

So, although the lie you told was merely veniel in nature, it could end up causing you to commit a mortal lie tomorrow.

The best policy is to tell the truth without being cruel.

Jim

 

[Wozza]

You could answer “wear the blue dress, it is much more flattering” or “honey, that outfit is not great on you.”

I can easily imagine the stunned silence with which that that would have been greeted by the majority of married men. Mentally thinking: ‘Are you KIDDING me?’

We’re all thinking that what we say and what she hears are two unconnected things. You say ‘Wear the blue dress, it’s much more flattering’, and the dog runs whimpering for cover, the temperature drops 20 degrees in an instant and you get the stony stare that will turn your blood to ice. Because what she heard was ‘It looks like a sack of potatoes on you’.

Lie. Your married life (if not your mortal one) depends on it.

 

[TK421]

Hi, just have a personal situation I want some guidance on. A man asked me to go to an event with him and I lied and said I was sick. I lied because his attention makes me feel uncomfortable and also because my mother disapproves of him. I feel bad for lying but also relieved that I didn’t have to spend time with him. Does anyone think that what I did was mortally sinful?

I would just tell him directly you’re not interested. It will be uncomfortable but quick. We have to let go of the desire to make everybody happy with our decisions and live our lives.

Since you said you’re sick, he’ll just try again and you’ll have to lie again. That is how sin works. It never ends until we make it end.

 

[0Scarlett_nidiyilii]

Is lying ALWAYS a sin? What if a co-worker at your job asks you in passing “How are you?” and you answer according to etiquette and script, “OK” or “Not bad,” even though you are feeling not good emotionally? Is such social normative behavior regarded as a sin? Are you required to answer “I’m not feeling good” or not answer at all if you don’t wish to alarm this work acquaintance? Is this act “intrinsically evil”?

That’s in interesting question because spoken language isn’t always what it seems to be.
The polite “how’s it going” as you’re passing a coworker in the hall is generally understood to mean a friendly “hi” rather than a request for information, sort of like a social custom.
If your co worker just came back to work after bereavement leave, your “how are you” mean something really different, especially if you’re also wearing your Concerned Face, for instance.
And in that case you already know the persons doing crappy.

 

[TheLittleLady]

What a tragic, caricature of marriage that presents. It is funny on a TV show, in real life painting women as this sort of irrational, petulant people is simply wrong.

 

[Wozza]

What a tragic, caricature of marriage that presents. It is funny on a TV show, in real life painting women as this sort of irrational, petulant people is simply wrong.

Wozza speaks from experience. Fourty years and counting. And I don’t know a single man who has not lied to his wife in similar circumstances. And that would include my son-in-law to my daughter. This is stuff we talk about over the barbie. And have a laugh about. Because we know it’s not serious. No-one’s going to hell for doing it. It greases the wheels. It makes the partnership run smoothly. It avoids uneccesary conflict.

And my wife knows it. As do almost all wives. She will raise a quizzical eyebrow if she asks if her butt looks big and I say she looks great. Because she knows she needs to lose a couple of kilos. She can’t do anything in the next few minutes to change that but she wants to wear the blue dress. She just wants a compliment. So my ‘No, you look fine’ is just the second part of the dance. The quizzical eyebrow and old fashioned look is phase three. And my ‘No, seriously - you really look fantastic in that’ is the finale.

She mentioned a couple of weeks back that she wanted to have her hair dyed because there was some grey showing. And I said: ‘No, leave it. It makes you look sexy’. She gave me a look saying ‘you lying creep’ which was the phase three. And the finale was: ‘No, seriously. It does’. And she is a happy woman.

Does it make her look sexier? Gee…what on earth has that got to do with anything!

 

[Tis_Bearself]

Christ promised us that there will never be a situation where your only choice is to lie (or to commit any other sin).

Actually, priests trying to minister to populations in times and places when the Church was underground lied in order to do their job. Many of them are saints or beati today so obviously whatever they said or did was forgiven. I think Christ was well aware such underground situations would occur, as well as situations where one lied in some way to save others: hiding Jews in your home, dressing up as an SS man to help concentration camp survivors etc.

All of this is outside the scope of the OP’s question though, and has been discussed endlessly on previous threads.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

What a tragic, caricature of marriage that presents. It is funny on a TV show, in real life painting women as this sort of irrational, petulant people is simply wrong.

No, you’re taking it wrong. Every marriage is different and the people in it work out their own way of getting along.

My husband and I had a lot of jokey interactions like Wozza and his wife. 33 years worth. There’s nothing wrong with it. If I’d wanted some guy handing out honest opinions on my clothes I’d have chosen to marry somebody else. I wanted a guy who would joke with me and take the pressure off.

 

[TK421]

I think for the majority of men there’s also the fact that we simply dont really care much even if we say that we do.

You’re either attracted to a woman or you aren’t and it doesn’t really matter if she’s wearing a blue dress or a purple octopus on her head. Women seem to pay more attention to their appearance but I think it is mostly for themselves and possibly other women, but not so much for men. She might think she looks bad when she wakes up and her hair is a mess, but guys dont care.

If she dresses up really nice for a date it is nice, but it is the idea that she took the time and care to do it that makes it nice.

 

[Wozza]

She might think she looks bad when she wakes up and her hair is a mess, but guys dont care.

Just woken up, hair a mess. And if she WAS wearing a sack then, she would look great. But would they believe us…?

Might suggest she lose the cephalapod though.

 

[TK421]

Women with pajamas and tangled up hair can actually be kind of sexy, but no, they either won’t believe you or they’ll think you’re insane

 

[meltzerboy2]

In other words, to keep the peace, lie, but follow it with confession.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

It’s not really a lie. Wozza’s wife isn’t expecting a truthful answer. It’s similar to what Scarlet said about the work mate who says “How are you?” as a polite social gesture. He doesn’t really want to know about your true mood or feelings.

Now, if a wife was like a couple of the women who posted here who truly want an honest opinion, and husband understood that and lied, it might be something to mention in confession.

 

[Wozza]

It’s not really a lie. Wozza’s wife isn’t expecting a truthful answer. It’s similar to what Scarlet said about the work mate who says “How are you?” as a polite social gesture. He doesn’t really want to know about your true mood or feelings.

Now, if a wife was like a couple of the women who posted here who truly want an honest opinion, and husband understood that and lied, it might be something to mention in confession.

Indeed. There are questions that demand an honest answer (‘do you love me’). And those that don’t (‘does my butt look big in this dress’).

There is Forum World and there is reality.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

And there are all different kinds of husbands and wives

 

[Glennon_P]

Wife: Does this make my butt look big/how does this look on me/etc.

Me: I am not authorized to have an opinion.

This approach has served me well in these and other situations.

 

[goout]

Tis_Bearself:

It’s not really a lie. Wozza’s wife isn’t expecting a truthful answer. It’s similar to what Scarlet said about the work mate who says “How are you?” as a polite social gesture. He doesn’t really want to know about your true mood or feelings.

Now, if a wife was like a couple of the women who posted here who truly want an honest opinion, and husband understood that and lied, it might be something to mention in confession.

Indeed. There are questions that demand an honest answer (‘do you love me’).

As an aside to the topic, that question is a sign of big trouble in a marriage. (if asked in a serious way not in teasing etc)