Is a 'spark' always necessary?

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It seems even from ‘Love and Responsibility’ there is a presumption that people will begin a loving relationship with some level of emotional desire for one another.

I’ve started spending time with someone who is a wonderful person, very caring, intelligent, and who I get on really well with. I’ve been trying to look at the situation purely from a self-giving ‘agape’ perspective, and think she likes spending time with me, and that I might have something to give her in a relationship. I don’t find her unattractive, there just isn’t a ‘spark’, but the more I pray for it, the more I find myself being given the desire to be with her.

Should I stop kidding myself, or should I continue to pray for the desire to desire her?
 
Wow, i’ve been asking myself the same question since am in the same situation.
 
I think that the spark can come a bit after. There really is no meeting of the eyes, love at first site. A crush may develop this way, but love takes a little time. I see no harm in beginning a relationship that grows into love, or at least has that possibility. Plus, wanting to be with someone is a type a spark- and sparks fade as well. Love is more than eros- it should be agape this is true
 
Pro-Life_Teen said:
I think that the spark can come a bit after. There really is no meeting of the eyes, love at first site. A crush may develop this way, but love takes a little time. I see no harm in beginning a relationship that grows into love, or at least has that possibility. Plus, wanting to be with someone is a type a spark- and sparks fade as well. Love is more than eros- it should be agape this is true
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Marital love should have eros as well as agape though, at least as far as I understand it.

Only problem in my case is that I have had the meeting of the eyes, love at first site type of love, and it wasn’t just a crush, it was the love of my life, and I screwed things up. I’m not sure I can cope with not having that if I’ve had it before.
 
DL82 said:
Only problem in my case is that I have had the meeting of the eyes, love at first site type of love, and it wasn’t just a crush, it was the love of my life, and I screwed things up. I’m not sure I can cope with not having that if I’ve had it before.
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that’s it…you’ve experienced it before and you know it can happen, but it’s not happening with this person…you love being together, you miss talking to her and everything, but you don’t feel that life will stop if you don’t see her for example…so the question is, is this spark necessary? if it does not exist, is it a bad sign? i personally have had “sparks” with people who turned out to be wrong for me so am wondering too, if with the right person, we must have it too…right person in terms of morality, behavior, how he/she treats you, yet no “spark” ecc…confusing i guess and we both need the opinions of people who are beyond our age i guess…
 
Truthfully how important is the ‘spark’? Doesn’t the chemical attraction often disappear anyway, and people get the strange idea they don’t ‘love’ each other any more. The ‘spark’ isn’t love. It’s not essential to a wonderful relationship built on friendship, mutual affection and mutual respect. Look at the percentage of marriages that fail, because the ‘spark’ was given so much importance, and when it dies out in the ordinary wear and tear of live, they have little or nothing left. Is that building on sand? You may have solid ground in the relationship as you describe it. If you show the little considerations and little tendernesses, you can grow a warm fire that is a great deal more warming and lasting than the ‘spark’!
 
Marital love should have eros as well as agape though, at least as far as I understand it.
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Only problem in my case is that I have had the meeting of the eyes, love at first site type of love, and it wasn’t just a crush, it was the love of my life, and I screwed things up. I’m not sure I can cope with not having that if I’ve had it before.
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If eros is taken as a passion, not as lust, then yes this is correct.

Understandable to feel like you’ve messed up and it won’t be the same with any one else. And it won’t be the same- but the degree of different can be a good one. You have another chance here- it may not have the spark right away, it may be that this won’t work, but you won’t know unless you see.
 
Sexual desire is the root of romantic love,

and romantic love is the foundation of enduring love.

The romantic spark, alone, is not enough to sustain a relationship,

but sustaining a relationship is difficult without that spark.

For better understanding of this analysis, please read “Will Our Love Last,” by marital therapist, Dr. Sam Hamburg.
 
Magickman said:
…but sustaining a relationship is difficult without that spark.

For better understanding of this analysis, please read “Will Our Love Last,” by marital therapist, Dr. Sam Hamburg.
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👍

Kathy
 
I have been married for the last 11 yrs to someone that I did not “spark” with in the begining and in my experience it was not the spark that I got later but something much more deeper and longer burning. If I would not have continued our relationship because there was no spark I would have said no to the greatest gift God has given me. I have a beautiful family, a DH that makes my heart flutter everytime I see him. I have married a man that I know will lay down his life for his family. I also have a relationship with Jesus and his Church that I do not think would have happened if I looked for that spark.

My advise would be to build the friendship and see what happens. Worse comes to worse you have gained a friend. And with a good friendship built you may even be laying the foundation for a beautiful marriage.
 
Magickman said:
Sexual desire is the root of romantic love,

and romantic love is the foundation of enduring love.

The romantic spark, alone, is not enough to sustain a relationship,

but sustaining a relationship is difficult without that spark.

For better understanding of this analysis, please read “Will Our Love Last,” by marital therapist, Dr. Sam Hamburg.
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This is correct, never diminish the value of the ‘spark’ and never diminish the value of enduring love. You have to be emotionally attached to the person to some extent, it may not happen at first. Take an example of some girl you have known for a while but only really started to like them later on. Sure you can pray for it, but don’t try to force it on yourself.

Cheers
 
DL82 said:
It seems even from ‘Love and Responsibility’ there is a presumption that people will begin a loving relationship with some level of emotional desire for one another.

I’ve started spending time with someone who is a wonderful person, very caring, intelligent, and who I get on really well with. I’ve been trying to look at the situation purely from a self-giving ‘agape’ perspective, and think she likes spending time with me, and that I might have something to give her in a relationship. I don’t find her unattractive, there just isn’t a ‘spark’, but the more I pray for it, the more I find myself being given the desire to be with her.

Should I stop kidding myself, or should I continue to pray for the desire to desire her?
Click to expand...
You gotta have at least some spark. Is there really nothing? Nothing at all?
 
DL82 said:
It seems even from ‘Love and Responsibility’ there is a presumption that people will begin a loving relationship with some level of emotional desire for one another.

I’ve started spending time with someone who is a wonderful person, very caring, intelligent, and who I get on really well with. I’ve been trying to look at the situation purely from a self-giving ‘agape’ perspective, and think she likes spending time with me, and that I might have something to give her in a relationship. I don’t find her unattractive, there just isn’t a ‘spark’, but the more I pray for it, the more I find myself being given the desire to be with her.

Should I stop kidding myself, or should I continue to pray for the desire to desire her?
Click to expand...
“Spark” is the most used, misconstrued and misinterpreted word in the catholic married community. And under this premise, marriages have been mended and broken, patched together and “quick-fixed”; endured and prolonged - to the bitter end.

My wife and I will have been married 30 years come December and we have had a typical marriage as it concerns the world but it has been anything but typical as it concerns the Catholic Sacrament of Matrimony.

If “spark” means staying together as long as both are physically attractive - the marriage will eventually fail.

If “spark” means sexual vitality, variety or sexual anything - the marriage will eventually fail.

If “spark” means that one of you thinks he or she is attractive and the other one is not - the marriage will eventually fail.

If “spark” means the unwillingness to change or modify any number of habits that he or she has deveolped over the years and have gotten on each others nerves - the marriage will eventually fail.

If “spark” means any number of reasons, excuses or pretenses that lead to separation, divorce or a “loveless” marriage…that marriage will eventually fail.

To answer your question - If “spark” takes on any of these meanings then, no, it is not necessary. Any of these and other cheap excuses, spring forth from the capital sins of pride and lust.

I will have to give account to the Lord on judgement day about my wife and she will have to give account of me because we are one flesh. We will be confronted with the knowledge of our decisions and their validity to the point where we will immediately know how “legit” or “cheap” our excuses are for having divorced or separated.
 
I didn’t really have a ‘spark’ with my husband right away…we were friends for a while, first. He said that he ‘knew’ I was the one for him, the minute we met…lol But, I didn’t have that same conviction…but…BUT…over time, there was great chemistry, because I really started to notice the man under the friendship…a handsome, intelligent, and most importantly God loving man, who respected me, and wanted to marry me. I think that chemistry is important, but I don’t believe that if you don’t immediately feel that rush of feelings, that you should bag the relationship. But, it shouldn’t take years to develop chemistry either. I think that if you’ve been praying about this person, and God is giving you signs to stay with her…and move forward–maybe He knows something you don’t! God is the best matchmaker out there, you know.😃
 
The spark factor is something I’ve been struggling with for years. I’ve tried dating guys with no spark only to get really boarded and find myself looking at others while I’m with them. When I say spark I mean either physical, spiritual or mental chemistry. Mostly the physical or mental applies. Most guys these days don’t reveal their spiritual side until they get to know you really well so that’s a hard one to determine. So my choice seems to be go out with someone who seems appealing vs take the chance of leading someone one. Not a pretty choice wish I had an answer to this one. 🤷
 
With my now DH, when we met, there wasn’t that ‘spark’ that people usually hear about, and that I normally had with other people. Actually, it made getting to know him easier, because we were’t preoccupied with the physical attraction. I never really had that gushy “in love” feeling with him, and it’s certainly not the most important part of a relationship, especially since if it doesn’t mature it can be a hindrance to real agape love.
That being said, I do think that that “spark” is the most common thing to interest someone in another, but it’s certainly not required, IMO.
 
C2K2 said:
I have been married for the last 11 yrs to someone that I did not “spark” with in the begining and in my experience it was not the spark that I got later but something much more deeper and longer burning. If I would not have continued our relationship because there was no spark I would have said no to the greatest gift God has given me. I have a beautiful family, a DH that makes my heart flutter everytime I see him. I have married a man that I know will lay down his life for his family. I also have a relationship with Jesus and his Church that I do not think would have happened if I looked for that spark.

My advise would be to build the friendship and see what happens. Worse comes to worse you have gained a friend. And with a good friendship built you may even be laying the foundation for a beautiful marriage.
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I agree it was like this with my DH as well. It’s only now, as God is helping me love him more, that I am really getting that heart flutter that I never really much had in the beginning.
 
I think this is all a bit one sided and a tad bit selfish. I would not want my fiance to be with me if he did not feel a spark being with me. I think I deserve to know if he doesn’t feel a spark.
Knowing that sparks fade or change doesn’t mean that they aren’t important at all.
My fiance and I have discussed in detail the eventually of sparks fading and the importance of or bond in sacred matrimony.

Granted not all people feel sparks at the same time but they must keep in mind being totally and completely honest with the people that they want to have a relationship with.
If you aren’t honest about not having a spark with this girl by the time marriage comes around, then I believe that you would be using her for your goals and aspirations of wanting marriange for yourself, it doesn’t matter what you think is enough that you will give her in the marriage (even if it’s all honorable things like respect and support), to keep silent about the lack of spark is a serious lie by omission in my book.

I’m not saying you have to have a spark right off the bat, but do the lady a favor and be completely honest with her when the time comes, she should have the right to know where you stand so she won’t being going into a marriage deluded.

I feel very strongly about this because I would feel like this sort of ‘secret’ would defraud the intent of the sacrament.
If she knows about the lack of sparks and she accepts it, then she can go into marriage without being lied to.

Also, I think it speaks volumes that you might not care enough of her feelings to realize that she would actually care to know your true feelings for her! I’m really shocked by this :eek:
I’m also shocked that all the advice given hasn’t pointed this out. In marriage we MUST think about about put the feelings of the other spouse as an important thing to nurture not to ‘get around’!

I apologize if my understanding of the situation isn’t perfectly clear, because I really hope I’m missunderstanding the problem
 
MCGar said:
I think this is all a bit one sided and a tad bit selfish. I would not want my fiance to be with me if he did not feel a spark being with me. I think I deserve to know if he doesn’t feel a spark.
Knowing that sparks fade or change doesn’t mean that they aren’t important at all.
My fiance and I have discussed in detail the eventually of sparks fading and the importance of or bond in sacred matrimony.

Granted not all people feel sparks at the same time but they must keep in mind being totally and completely honest with the people that they want to have a relationship with.
If you aren’t honest about not having a spark with this girl by the time marriage comes around, then I believe that you would be using her for your goals and aspirations of wanting marriange for yourself, it doesn’t matter what you think is enough that you will give her in the marriage (even if it’s all honorable things like respect and support), to keep silent about the lack of spark is a serious lie by omission in my book.

I’m not saying you have to have a spark right off the bat, but do the lady a favor and be completely honest with her when the time comes, she should have the right to know where you stand so she won’t being going into a marriage deluded.

I feel very strongly about this because I would feel like this sort of ‘secret’ would defraud the intent of the sacrament.
If she knows about the lack of sparks and she accepts it, then she can go into marriage without being lied to.

Also, I think it speaks volumes that you might not care enough of her feelings to realize that she would actually care to know your true feelings for her! I’m really shocked by this :eek:
I’m also shocked that all the advice given hasn’t pointed this out. In marriage we MUST think about about put the feelings of the other spouse as an important thing to nurture not to ‘get around’!

I apologize if my understanding of the situation isn’t perfectly clear, because I really hope I’m missunderstanding the problem
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Excellent points!

I think the OP is wondering however, possibly why he posted the thread, is if in fact it is ok to never feel chemistry, but feel a lot of other great things with someone, if you’re considering marriage. I think it’s a legitmate question–and all too often, we live in a society, where people ONLY care about chemistry, and the second it wears off, they’re in divorce court…So, to be fair to the OP, I think his question was a genuine concern that he has, if it’s ok to continue a relationship without that special spark.

But, I like your post…it makes a lot of sense, indeed.
 
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