Is arguing healthy for a marriage?

[Joseph_L_Varga]

Either the Book of Ecclesiastes, or the Book of Wisdom, says something like this: it is better to be alone on a rooftop, than under the same roof with a wife who keeps arguing. And it also gives a metaphor to illustrate how utterly futile the efforts to deal with such a wife are. Something like trying to catch the raindrops. You can try, but it won’t work in the end. Sorry, I don’t have my Bible, to give the exact quotes.

In my opinion, a wife who keeps picking irrational arguments and putting down her husband, is the symmetrical equivalent of a husband who keeps threatening and beating his wife. Just as men are generally physically stronger and in a better position to physically abuse their wives if they choose to, women are more adept with words and emotional communication, which generally gives the upper hand to wives who choose to be verbally and emotionally abusive. I’m talking generally, because there are exceptions, such as wives beating their husbands, and husbands abusing their wives verbally and emotionally. It is a distortion of God’s plan. We know the strong men who are heroes, firefighters and soldiers defending our country, defending women and children, and then again we know those men who beat and rape them. And with women, we know the Mother Theresas and the wives and mothers who support their husbands and children, but we also know those who drive into despair and mess up their own husbands and children.

If you are in a sacramental marriage, it is a heavy cross to bear. You may need to step up and stop the abuse, if it’s an abusive situation.

Someone I know, divorced his wife after some 16 years of marriage (but they are both agnostics/atheists, and their marriage was not sacramental). She kept being out of control and putting him down, and some 5-6 years into their marriage, I could see that they were headed for trouble. As the years passed, they had trouble in the bedroom (not surprising at all, in my opinion). Finally they separated, and she had an affair. At this point, the husband also found another woman, he divorced his wife and married this other woman. Now they are apparently happy and balanced together, but his ex-wife is revengeful and pits the child against the father (her xh). Her affair didn’t work out, and now she wants her xh to get rid of his new wife, and get back together with her. She also recruited their 10-y.o. child in her war against the xh’s new wife. Is this love, or is this pure power play and revenge? When she had him, she couldn’t appreciate him. Now, that he is gone, she wants him back… I know this man (the xh) for almost 30 years. He is a good, dependable man, a gentleman, and about 98% of my experiences with him have been positive. But his xw was apparently able to pick the other 2% when he was less than perfect, and more than that, drove him into some sort of despair and alienation… And now that he is out of there and happy again, she wants him back…

I don’t know whether this is relevant to Jack’s situation. It is hard to know based on the limited amount of information available from Jack’s 3 posts.

Jack, do you have kids with your wife? Does your marriage conform to Catholic norms - no artificial birth control, open to new life?

 

[Leonius]

Her arguing with you and her low self esteem are separate issues imo, there are plenty off people with low self esteem who do not behave in this manner.

No one here can really give you advice based on what you have said, to form a proper judgement it would be be necessary to hear both sides of the story, every relationship is different.

I will say this though, just ignoring her is not the answer, that will make her feel like you don’t care about her. Maybe try saying something like: “You have had a rough day huh?” Show concern for why she is upset but don’t get defensive or start taking it personally.

Someone mentioned kids that is a big thing, if your marriage is not fulfilling its natural purposes then your wife will be frustrated which will cause her to behave like this far more than self esteem issues.

If all else fails practice the works of mercy.

To bear wrongs patiently;​

To forgive offences willingly;​

To comfort the afflicted;​

 

[JanetF]

Arguing is not good. Disagreeing and discussing civilly is perfectly fine. A catholic therapist, or a marriage retreat might be a great start to help both of you learn how to communicate better. A little therapy never hurt anyone.

 

[stringbeanduck]

Let me just say this. Keeping problems about the marriage to one’s self will only cause more problems in the marriage down the road. If one spouse constantly agrees with the other in order to keep the peace even if he/she believes the other spouse is wrong, it will only cause future problems. Arguing is never bad if it’s done to work out a solution to a problem. Fighting is always wrong because it is setting the real problem aside while both sides take shots at each other.

 

[bbbiabb]

To the original poster, I would suggest you do some research on Borderline Personality Disorder. I have been in a very similar situation for nearly 15 years. For 14 of those 15 years I tried everything I could think of change and improve my situation. Eventually, through an unlikely string of serendipity, I became aware of this condition. There is a lot of information on the internet about it. Do some reading. I PRAY this is not the case with your wife, but if it is you need to learn how to deal with it. It is NOT like dealing with “normal” conflict. Again, I hope it is not the case, but if it is you will need to learn about setting boundaries, validation techniques and how to “stop walking on eggshells”.

Bless you!