Is asexuality real?

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I’ve been posting on here for a very long time. To cut a very long story short, my husband has continued to show very little interest in sexual intimacy for the entire of our marriage which is just over a decade. It’s become worse with every passing year. Now it’s usually once or twice a year, if that. We are still young and I don’t feel I’ve changed but it’s just awful. Now there is zero physical affection except hugs. I’m convinced he is asexual, in that he does not experience ‘normal’ attraction in the way I do. How we managed to have kids, I’m not entirely sure but intimacy has fallen by the wayside BIG TIME. I am angry/upset but I don’t think he’s doing it on purpose to hurt me. Does anybody know whether asexuality is accepted by the Church?
 
There are people with high libidos and people with very low libidos and people all in between. One person may move between high and low at various times in their lives.

The Church does not dictate how high one’s libido should be.

After being married for decades through feast and famine, sometimes we have to remember that we can have loving intimacy with our spouse that is non-sexual. Communication and shared experiences are so important. I’d suggest Matthew Kelly’s book “The Seven Levels of Intimacy”.
 
We are sexual beings— male and female. We are not asexual in the traditional meaning of that word (as in asexual reproduction).

If he has no interest in sex, it could be physical, psychological, or a combination. But it is not normal and since he committed to marriage he also committed to a sexual relationship.

Encourage him to get checked out by a doctor and a therapist.
 
I agree with this. Time to see the doctor.

Low testosterone can decrease sexual desire. So can other conditions like high blood pressure, Type 2 diabetes, and painful conditions like osteoarthritis (which he may be having symptoms of, but doesn’t want to burden you or anyone).
 
“Asexual” as the term is generally used on the Internet generally means someone with no sex drive and no desire to have sex. Often such people want a loving platonic relationship, but without sex. Generally they are able physically to have sex, as in they have all the equipment and physically it works, but according to them they have no desire. I have met some such people.

OP, it doesn’t sound like your husband would be considered “asexual” by members of the asexual community, given that he had sex with you at least on some occasions and he entered into a marriage where the other person (you) expected to have sex. The asexuals I’ve met don’t want to have sex at all, not even twice a year, in many cases not ever, and they aren’t shy about communicating that.

There could be many things going on in your relationship with your husband - a medical issue, a psychological issue, a lack of attraction to you, a lack of attraction to women in general, etc. and you really would need doctors and professional help to sort it all out.

As The Little Lady said, the Church does not dictate how often we have to have sex or what our libido should be. I also would caution you that “normal” for you may not be “normal” for your husband or for anyone else; there are likely people for whom “normal” is 2 or 3 times a day and people for whom “normal” is a couple times a year. We are all different. Libido also can change a lot over time due to age, health, medication etc. and even just due to priorities in life.

The concern here is not what is “normal”, as there are likely women out there who’d be fine and “normal” with twice a year or even not at all, but the fact that you and your husband are mismatched in your expectations of how often you want to have sex, and also you do not at this point understand what’s causing him to act this way and that can cause a lot of insecurity and upset.

I would suggest having a frank talk with your husband, and that he should discuss this with his doctor, and then go from there, depending on the outcome of both.
 
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Tis_Bearself said:
“Asexual” as the term is generally used on the Internet generally means someone with no sex drive and no desire to have sex
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Yes, I realize that.

My point is, words have meaning and people are not asexual beings. We are sexual beings. By design.
 
bumby said:
my husband has continued to show very little interest in sexual intimacy for the entire of our marriage which is just over a decade. It’s become worse with every passing year.
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I agree with posters above that your husband may have a physical or psychological issue that is causing this, especially since it has been getting worse over time.

I remember being told in Catholic marriage prep that it’s good to have sex with your spouse at least once per week because the matrimonial act unifies you, in a physical but also spiritual and holy way. Yes, there are ups and downs in life including pregnancy/childbirth, great stress, and physical illness, but in the absence of these, sex should be a priority.

Ask your husband to bring this up with his doctor and check that he is physically healthy. And more importantly, visit a marriage counselor together and talk about this together.

And to answer your question about asexuality - people who consider themselves asexual have been that way their whole lives, it does not get worse over time. They do not get married (in the traditional sense) to become one with their spouse and have children. I would argue that a lack of sexual desire is a call from God to be celibate, and maybe even to the religious life. Your husband was called to marriage, so he is not asexual. The two of you need to work this out with love and compassion for one another. :pray:t3:
 
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Was he interested in sex before marriage?

Sometimes getting intertwined in the day to day stuff can transform what used to be a simple “woohoo!” activity into a sometimes overwhelming thing.
 
kate47 said:
I remember being told in Catholic marriage prep that it’s good to have sex with your spouse at least once per week because the matrimonial act unifies you, in a physical but also spiritual and holy way. Yes, there are ups and downs in life including pregnancy/childbirth, great stress, and physical illness, but in the absence of these, sex should be a priority.
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This was someone’s opinion. There is no teaching of how often Catholic ought have marital relations.
 
TheLittleLady said:
This was someone’s opinion. There is no teaching of how often Catholic ought have marital relations.
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You are correct!
It is important to note though that without sex, there is no marriage. Sex is deeply important. It increases the spouses’ love for one another.

www.foryourmarriage.org

Marital Sexuality

The Catholic Church, in its official teaching, has always taken a positive view of sexuality in marriage. Marital intercourse, says the Catechism of the Catholic Church, is “noble and honorable,” established by God so that “spouses should experience pleasure and enjoyment of body and spirit.”...
www.foryourmarriage.org www.foryourmarriage.org
 
kate47 said:
It is important to note though that without sex, there is no marriage
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Actually, with out the ability to have sex, there is no marriage. Josephite marriages are perfectly valid and Sacramental (if between validly baptized people).
 
Yes, Josephite marriages and unconsumated marriages may be dissolved by the Holy See. This does not have bearing on the sacramentality of the marriage. Any valid marriage between two validly baptized persons is Sacramental.
 
kate47 said:
people who consider themselves asexual have been that way their whole lives, it does not get worse over time. They do not get married (in the traditional sense) to become one with their spouse and have children.
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I would have to disagree with this. Just as plenty of gay people marry people of the opposite sex, have families, and then come clean about who they really are, asexual people certainly can and do the same thing.

It is certainly possible that OP’s husband has dealt with this issue his whole life but forced himself into a marriage with kids because he either felt that is what was expected of him, he was in denial, or he was trying to make his family happy.
 
JMMJ said:
It is certainly possible that OP’s husband has dealt with this issue his whole life but forced himself into a marriage with kids because he either felt that is what was expected of him, he was in denial, or he was trying to make his family happy.
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Or more simply want a wife and children…
 
I never seen the word “asexuality” in CCC or any others Church documents.
I don’t thing that the Church is interested in this “label” and put some people inside this “box”.
It is reductive for them and imprecise, and is sometimes associated as being lgbt+.

Our Tradition have always value chastity, continence, and chosen virginity or celibacy for the Kingdom. iReligious orders, private vows and sacerdoce are perfect states for some religious people who don’t want to express their sexuality.

As a conclusion, being continent is not the problem. It can be a virtue.

It is not inherihently a problem in a marriage, as long as both spouses consent, and as long as it does not brings them to find relieve to concupicence in other way. It is not the case here.
Sorry for the outdated language.

But we cannot force someone to perform the marital act if he doesn’t want.

You know that your husband don’t want more sex, and your problem is not recent, so I think you already know it is unlikely to change.

You have already said us in a previous pist, that he had medical appointment for this problem.
I thing nothing medical have been found, isn’t it? Given that you ask this new question?

When he unites with you, is it because he wants it, or because he feels pressure? On other words, if it wwould only depends of him, would he does it, or would prefer to be completely abstinent?

I do not see others way to deal with it than a compromize: he agrees to have more times (if he is able to) to satisfy yours needs, and perhaps try to have a child. Or another solution, you may accept the situation as she is now.
 
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Anicette said:
It is not inherihently a problem in a marriage, as long as both spouses consent,
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OP does say that she is angry/upset, so it doesn’t seem like she is happy with the situation or has consented. If her husband has no physical problem, there may be a psychological one requiring therapy.
Even in the absence of a physical or psychological problem, marital counseling together will help the two of you communicate your needs and perhaps find some way to compromise. I find in my life that the answer is always to go to therapy. Find a good Catholic MFT and go weekly with your husband until you’ve learned to communicate your anger/upset in an effective way 😊 He may have some issues that he hasn’t dealt with that are causing him to avoid intimacy, or maybe this is just how he is. Either way, therapy will make things clear and strengthen your relationship.
(If you can’t tell, I love therapy. It’s saved my life and relationships more times than I can count.)
 
It’s probably a case of low libido rather than “asexuality”.

I am always surprised by your posts in that I don’t understand how it’s gotten to this stage without him committing to take some action to address this issue?

I mean he loves you and committed to a lifelong relationship with you, why wouldn’t he just make the effort to do this?

Even as a matter of male pride, to be able to say “yeah I can please my wife well”.
 
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