R
Robert_Sock
Guest
I can really relate to what you say. Looking back, I think God wanted me to drift off into atheism so that I could experience vanity and thus eventually grow nearer to Him than what I would have otherwise.Absolutely. Read DBT’s post as it is confirming of what I said.
Really what helped the most is to have a spiritual director that had been through similar purifications and could recognize them and not try to fix them. During that period there were lots of issues for me- one is that everyone except the monk was trying to fix the cure God was giving me. The feeling of darkness, the feeling of being separate from God. the amplified and intense awareness of my sin and issues-- * all of these were the symptoms of God healing me *but anyone else I spoke with would try to address these symptoms of healing as issues to be fixed.
I can name a number of things that helped along the way but it was truly Gods power that healed me. There is so much to say but there are two things I would mention that God placed in me that helped above all else. I am not saying these are qualities I have, I am saying that God would shine these qualities in me and they more than anything else created the healing. The first quality I began to notice after a good long while of feeling only my issues amplified was “Holy Sorrow” I found a way to be deeply sorrowful for my own sin, for the pain in my life, and for the pain in the world that was “holy” that was not depression or sadness as the world would have it. This sorrow was different- it was deeply God filled and it became my very close friend after a couple of years in that purification. It gave me the ability to repent in a way that was far deeper and more honest than anything I had ever known before.
The second quality of the two was humility, but not a humility like I had known before, this like the holy sorrow, was a participation in Gods humility, Christs humility. Sometimes it would get so deep and it would feel like I was sinking down out of self until it would get so deep that I would find myself underneath my pain. Humility is the great healer of pain I have discovered. It takes away our need to be someone, or to define ourselves in comparison with others, it allows us to be comfortable with being nobody. If the mind or someone in the world steps in to accuse us of being a sinner, or incompetent, or not enough, humility can answer honestly “who cares, that’s why I need Jesus” and humility can say that statement sincerely and find great peace in it. I think it is a piece of the poverty of spirit that Jesus taught about in the Beatitudes.
To this day humility and holy sorrow are my surest foundation for growing spiritually, the monk I go see says “Hug the ground.” It is really important to know that none of this can be fabricated or created, it all comes about when God decides to bring it about but that is unlikely to happen if the person is not truly devoted to prayer and growing in union with God.