I often think about it being better to not have been born than to have even the slightest risk of going to hell. Sometimes I worry… I fall SO short SO often, even though I try very hard to be a really good person, that I will ultimately end up in hell because I’m constantly learning much of what I do is sinful. The more I learn and study my faith, the less secure I feel about making it to heaven. Yes, I go to confession and I confess all that I know of— but then I find myself learning that even things I didn’t know were sins, are sins. I never feel worthy of God. I have always thought I was a “good” person, but looking back, I see most of what I ever did was selfish, and I find myself questioning my motivations.
For example, I was handed an extra $20 at the store, and I saw the mistake right away, but I didn’t say anything. All the way to my car, I just KNEW I had to go back and give it to the cashier and tell her about the mistake. But I’m not sure my motivation was pure-- I was afraid of sinning and my conscience got to me, so I returned it. You might say that is a good thing, but I feel like I gave it back out of fear of sinning, rather than out of love for my neighbor. It’s a shame I even CONSIDERED keeping it.
I try and try and try, but I don’t know how to change. Sometimes (okay, many times) I get so caught up with whatever I’m doing… like being on the computer, that I completely disregard my kids and husband. That is precious time I wasted with them… and selfishly I feel bad and ashamed because of the time I lost with them. My list could go on and on.
I guess my point is… the more I learn about God, the less worthy I feel, and am terrified I will go to hell-- so of course, selfishly I wish I had never existed. Sometimes I think I even get angry with God that He made me, but then I trust that God had a plan for me otherwise He wouldn’t have.
And, like you’re paying attention. 