Is crying it out abuse?

[HoneyBea]

I think this word is often misunderstood or misused. I made the mistake of using this word and was immediately attacked and bullied. Perhaps I should have been more careful and I agree its important to make distinctions because “crying it out” can be abuse under certain circumstances. So its important that people know the difference.

I stated that I was fine with letting a baby cry it out. I did not mean that I would just ignore my baby crying for endless hours and just shut the door, but more of a controlled crying technique. Where I would come back in the room check on them, etc.

Anyhow I am being made to feel like I am some child abuser and a terrible mother by a friend who adheres to attachment parenting. I am not comfortable with my child dictating our schedule and what she needs. If my child knows what is best for her and what her needs are than why does she need a parent at all?

I’d like everyone’s thoughts on this matter.

 

[bitterhope]

I think it really depends on the baby, how old they are, if they are feeling sick/cutting teeth, how much interaction you have with them during waking hours, and many other factors. Some of my babies needed to fuss sometimes when going to sleep. Other kids would work themselves up into a fit so bad that they would choke and spit up. Babies are all so different that it is almost impossible to make one plan to follow for all of them. How old is your baby?

 

[Cariethra]

I do not think it is abuse at all.

My daughter was an extremely hard baby. She cried all the time. Feeding, diaper changes, shooshing and rocking, nothing would calm her at nights. I gave up and co-slept with her for 3 months. I then slowly transferred her to her own bed. Nap time was the last to switch over, she was 5 almost 6 months old. Whenever she did cry it only lasted at most 5 minutes.

She was an extremely sensitive baby, we only found out recently that it was all because of a sensory disorder.

My son was a very calm baby in comparison. I would play him smooth jazz and hum to him as he would whimper and cry in his bed. I knew he would stop if I touched him, so if his cry got any louder than a quiet whimper I’d rub his back. I did the same thing when he would wake up in the middle of the night around 5 months of age. He didn’t like going down again in the middle of the night and I finally had to give up on the music and just let him cry. It honestly didn’t get better until we put him in the children’s room.

I don’t think my daughter would have done well with a full cry out method. I don’t think she could calm herself. My son did very well with the cry out method. Both are loving and cuddly munchkins. In no way does my son appear to be traumatized. He even threw out his own binki a few weeks ago (he is now 2.5 years). He is just as happy as his sister.

The only thing I always did on demand was feeding. Both were cluster feeders. I figured that they knew better than I did as to when they were hungry.

Basically what I’m getting at is that each child is different and their needs are different. Some adapt well to a cry out method, while others (like my daughter) do not. They have a physical and psychological need to be next to momma/dadda and cannot calm themselves.

As for criticisms, try to shrug it off. You know your child better than anyone else. If it really becomes an issue, it might just show that this friendship is not a healthy one and it is time to move on.

 

[ClearWater]

I think this word is often misunderstood or misused. I made the mistake of using this word and was immediately attacked and bullied. Perhaps I should have been more careful and I agree its important to make distinctions because “crying it out” can be abuse under certain circumstances. So its important that people know the difference.

I stated that I was fine with letting a baby cry it out. I did not mean that I would just ignore my baby crying for endless hours and just shut the door, but more of a controlled crying technique. Where I would come back in the room check on them, etc.

Anyhow I am being made to feel like I am some child abuser and a terrible mother by a friend who adheres to attachment parenting. I am not comfortable with my child dictating our schedule and what she needs. If my child knows what is best for her and what her needs are than why does she need a parent at all?

I’d like everyone’s thoughts on this matter.

I’m not a parent, but once, I was babysitting when I was still living at home. I had done everything I knew how…the baby had been fed, changed, on and on.

The baby wouldn’t stop crying. The mother, before leaving, said he had gotten an injection that day. She said the last time he had, he cried and cried and cried. She said she hoped he’d behave for me. He didn’t.

I remember calling up my mother, telling her. She asked if he had been changed, fed, etc. I was trying to entertain him, picked him up, carried him all about, played with him. Nothing I did worked. I was ready to cry, myself.

I am from a family of 11, and my mother advised me in that particular case to let him “cry it out”. Well, she said as long as I kept moving him about and such, it would only prolong it, stretch this all out even longer.

She said to put him back in his crib and let him be, let him go to sleep without disturbing him further. I did. He cried a time, then finally fell asleep, just like my mother said.

In fact, my efforts might have even actually been hurting him, all that picking him up, moving him around. There are circumstances it is really the best option.

Based on what you described, I don’t think you’re a child abuser. Sometimes, that is the right course of action. I agree with you.

 

[dixieagle]

I am not comfortable with my child dictating our schedule and what she needs. If my child knows what is best for her and what her needs are than why does she need a parent at all?

I’d like everyone’s thoughts on this matter.

How old is your baby? Clearly, she doesn’t know “what is best”, but she does know if her diaper feels wet, or if her tummy hurts or her nose is stuffy. The only way an infant can communicate that to you is through crying.

I’m a mom to two grown daughters - one of whom was extremely difficult - and grandmother to two (soon to be three) little boys. I have no problem with letting a tired baby fuss for a few minutes, soothing him periodically until he falls asleep, but could not let a baby simply cry himself to sleep.

Consistency has been the key for me; our difficult little girl - and now her very strong-willed little boy - both caught on fairly quickly to the fact that their needs would be met and they would be soothed, but that if it was bedtime it was best to just give up and go to sleep because I wasn’t throwing in the towel.

 

[pianistclare]

That’s the thing about new moms…they’re all experts. They were when I was a new mom.
I just didn’t explain myself to anyone. I did what I did and my kids were better behaved. I didn’t follow trends, I just loved my kids. And when they were unbearably miserable, I let them cry. It lasted about 4-5 minutes, then they learned to calm themselves. I will say, that my kids always knew that if they needed me, I was nearby. But I taught them to self-soothe by not jumping up. They only cried themselves to sleep a couple of times. After that, they knew that when I put them down, it was time to relax. They could sleep or not. But they were in the crib…with a stuffed toy and a favorite blanket. All was well with the world. We were delighted to see each other after 90 minutes.
Do what you feel is best for your child.
And pray rosaries for them, they will thank you in the years to come!

 

[DAML72]

I think this word is often misunderstood or misused. I made the mistake of using this word and was immediately attacked and bullied. Perhaps I should have been more careful and I agree its important to make distinctions because “crying it out” can be abuse under certain circumstances. So its important that people know the difference.

I stated that I was fine with letting a baby cry it out. I did not mean that I would just ignore my baby crying for endless hours and just shut the door, but more of a controlled crying technique. Where I would come back in the room check on them, etc.

Anyhow I am being made to feel like I am some child abuser and a terrible mother by a friend who adheres to attachment parenting. I am not comfortable with my child dictating our schedule and what she needs. If my child knows what is best for her and what her needs are than why does she need a parent at all?

I’d like everyone’s thoughts on this matter.

My kids are almost 13 and 10. If I could have a do-over, I would not let my kids ‘cry it out’. I still feel bad to this day whenever I think about it. (We weren’t terribly successful at it) They grow so fast, why not give them comfort and love when they want and need it as babies?

I fail to see how co-sleeping, or whatever alternate arrangement you would have would allow your child to dictate your schedule. And I would submit that an infant knows better than the parent when he or she is hungry - there are lot of things that an infant can tell you that you don’t know as ‘the parent.’

 

[CradleJourney]

Anyhow I am being made to feel like I am some child abuser and a terrible mother by a friend who adheres to attachment parenting. I am not comfortable with my child dictating our schedule and what she needs. If my child knows what is best for her and what her needs are than why does she need a parent at all?

I’d like everyone’s thoughts on this matter.

I don’t think you’re a child abuser or a terrible mother - and shame on those who are so obsessed with what they think is the “right” method that they responded in a way that made you feel badly.

Now - I happen to be against “cry it out” in most circumstances simply because I know how I feel when I’m alone/tired/afraid/achy/exhausted - and I want to be held and cuddled. But I’m also a person who responds immediately and positively to touch - it’s my love language if you will.

So I always preferred to cuddle, hug and hold - however (and it’s a big however), sometimes that wasn’t what was best for me or my child. (Like the 9 month old who wanted to have a 2am activity session for awhile or the infant with colic who simply had to scream for 4 hours every evening from 5pm to 9pm and couldn’t be comforted by anything we tried.)

So long as you are acting from your heart in what you think is in the best interest of your children, then I think you’re doing fine.

 

[Kelfa28]

It’s not abuse but I think it does depend on the baby. My first was an excellent candidate for cry-it-out. She’s always been very independent. She’s been sleeping through the night, in her crib, on her own since birth. She could easily soothe herself through thumb sucking and then she gave that up and the bottle on her own. She’s two now and she soothes herself. If she does cry I check on her once and that is it. She can cry till her heart’s content. If she doesn’t need a diaper change and she’s not being kidnapped we let her cry and figure herself out. She always does.
My only exception to the rule is if she is sick. I will cater to her then.
My second is not a good candidate. She nurses frequently and wants me all the time. We co-sleep but I want to move her to her own crib soon because she is almost 6 months.

 

[HoneyBea]

I should have clarified obviously a child tells you when they are hungry and their diaper is soiled. I thought some things were obvious unsaid.

That’s not the issue. I’m talking about a baby who’s fed, changed not sick etc but wants to be held. Attachment parenting teaches you should
Give into your babies wants and blur s he line between wants and needs.

And because I make that distinction my friend thinks I’m wrong.

I don’t judge those who use AP that’s fine the more that AP the more advantage my child will have lol sounds harsh maybe but it’s the laws of nature.

Ironically my friends child is so ill behaved always cranky, super clingy needy and kind of weird she hides behind her mothers hair, rarely talks she just tugs at her mother and just makes whiney noises all the time. The kid is 3!

I think I’ve seen enough.

 

[HoneyBea]

Also my child is still in utero which makes her reaction towards me even that more bizarre.

 

[HoneyBea]

I forgot to mention spanking is also abuse to her and she calls the police on people who spank.

I can’t say for sure when I’ll start controlled crying but definitely not in the early months when a baby really does need their mother all the time.

As my child grows I don’t feel I have to coddle my child every time they are lonely or missing me. I’m fine with them learning to self soothe.

What I don’t understand is why this lady feels so defensive and pushy about her view. Maybe she’s trying to convince herself of something hmmmm

 

[China123]

No you are not a bad mother. I love how people give their “educated guesses” about other people’s children.

I used a both/and approach with mine. When they were tiny, of course I bent over backwards as they were just new. But as they got older but before they were out of the crib I would let them cry it out. Never had too much of a proble with mine so I am extremely lucky. My older one would just fuss a bit then fall fast asleep. My daughter loves to test limits…she still does so I had to let her fuss a bit more. I would always check on her and eventually she would fall asleep. If it would not stop I would go in and rock or dance about for a minute or two and then try again.

Neither one seems to have any permanent scars from crib life So it must have been ok.

Honestly, people really should be more careful in how they “offer” advice to mothers. You seem perfectly reasonable to me so I wouldn’t worry about it.

 

[Cat]

I think this word is often misunderstood or misused. I made the mistake of using this word and was immediately attacked and bullied. Perhaps I should have been more careful and I agree its important to make distinctions because “crying it out” can be abuse under certain circumstances. So its important that people know the difference.

I stated that I was fine with letting a baby cry it out. I did not mean that I would just ignore my baby crying for endless hours and just shut the door, but more of a controlled crying technique. Where I would come back in the room check on them, etc.

Anyhow I am being made to feel like I am some child abuser and a terrible mother by a friend who adheres to attachment parenting. I am not comfortable with my child dictating our schedule and what she needs. If my child knows what is best for her and what her needs are than why does she need a parent at all?

I’d like everyone’s thoughts on this matter.

I agree entirely with you in your approach to childrearing.

I think we all need to be careful about throwing the word “abuse” around too freely. There is a huge difference between true child abuse and a loving parent making use of a child rearing technique that has been used successfully by several generations of American parents (allowing a child to sleep alone in a crib, and to cry for a few minutes as they learn to self-serve and go to sleep on their own). There is simply no comparison.

Also, if we aren’t careful, by throwing the word “abuse” around too freely, it’s possible that we could get our friends arrested and their children removed from their home and retained in foster care. It’s tragic that in our country, the right to kill children by abortion is protected by law, but the right to discipline and train children is considered abuse and parents who insist on raising their children with time-tested techniques can end up losing their children and losing their livelihoods and sanity as they are shunted through the U.S. Court system.

 

[Cat]

I forgot to mention spanking is also abuse to her and she calls the police on people who spank.

I can’t say for sure when I’ll start controlled crying but definitely not in the early months when a baby really does need their mother all the time.

As my child grows I don’t feel I have to coddle my child every time they are lonely or missing me. I’m fine with them learning to self soothe.

What I don’t understand is why this lady feels so defensive and pushy about her view. Maybe she’s trying to convince herself of something hmmmm

Get away from this mother! Do not be anywhere near her! Your own child is in immediate danger of being taken away from you.

This woman is NOT your friend. She is an enemy to you and to other mothers. Anyone who calls cops when a child is spanked is a DANGEROUS person. Get away from her and do not go back. And tell other mothers to do the same.

I know plenty of attachment parent mothers. They do their thing, but they don’t try to tell other mothers how to raise their children. Many women have said on this thread that it depends on the baby. I agree, and I also think it depends on the mother–some mothers simply can’t sleep with a little one in the bed with them, and not sleeping can lead to true abuse, as an exhausted mother is unable to think clearly and could make bad decisions regarding the children.

 

[Kelfa28]

I would never give into a child’s every want and need. If I did, I’d quickly lose total control of the house with my two year old.
She is a very smart child but had a speech delay up until she was 2 years old. It’s been resolved thanks to speech therapy but also because I refused to give in to her constant and excessive whining for everything.

For awhile she had it in her head that whining would get her whatever she wanted and it worked for a little while because my husband and I were sick of the endless whining and follow up tantrums over everything.

She uses her words now but she’ll pull stunts that are just there to test our patience. One example is she is allowed to pick a kids show off of netflix to watch in the morning. She would either point of the show or say it by name.
I’d press play and she’d watch the show for a few minutes and then start crying and getting angry and would grab the remote and hand it to me to change it.
Sorry, honey, I’m not playing that game. You picked this show so we are going to sit down and watch it or nothing at all.

If she doesn’t want to eat her dinner, thats fine because I can’t force her to eat but she also loses toy privileges and she isn’t allowed dessert. She’ll still ask for a cookie and I will say no and let her cry it out. No exceptions. Could you imagine where I’d be if I gave in?

In church we never allowed her in the cry room and would be held in the back of the Church until she calmed down. This worked beautifully and she was well behaved in Mass every week. When my second was born we were all at Church and I ended up with both of them in the cry room because my youngest wanted to nurse. So my 2 year old ended up on the ground. She had a good time running around with another girl her age and it was my fault for letting her.
Sure enough, the following week, we weren’t in the pew more then 5 mins when she started acting up. We went to the back of the Church and she got worse. So into the cry room we went and she immediately wanted to get down. I said no. She started a big tantrum. So we went out and sat in the car.
I think we missed the entire Liturgy of the word the first time this happened. But her choices were sit in the car or sit in the pew with Daddy and behave.

We actually missed Mass a couple of times and would go back and try again. It took a couple of tries until she figured out we definitely weren’t giving in to her wishes. Now she’s an angel in Mass and sits with Daddy for the entire Mass and will quietly go through her books or make faces with Daddy if she gets squirmy during the Liturgy. She doesn’t even whine if I have to get up with the youngest. We’d never have achieved this good behavior if we gave into her whining and crying and let her play in the cry room.

 

[mommy_k]

I don’t think it’s abuse. There is no clear cut parenting strategy that works for every child, and for every parent.

If any method is extreme, then problems occur.

With attachment parenting, sometimes a child does not learn how to soothe themselves, and become very dependent on externals.
With the crying method, if taken to the extreme, ie: no physical contact during the day, child ignored, needs not met- etc. Then this is neglect.

But just having a child learn how to comfort themselves by crying to self soothe after all needs are met is fine and healthy for most children. I believe the method is called Faber. (Not sure though)

As a parent of older and young kids too, I have to sometimes walk away from new parents that think they found the key to perfect parenting such as your friend-there is no perfect parent-only Mary.

 

[SpidersfromMars]

If the baby won’t stop crying and you are too stressed then I think you should definitely step outside for a few minutes if you need to. I think if more people did this there would be less ‘shaken baby syndrome’ cases and other tragedies.

Apparently earaches are also prone to making babies cry heaps. Although sometimes it seems like they cry just for the heck of it.

 

[Lorelei12]

Maybe your friend misunderstood you, but if she’s going around calling the police every time she sees a child being spanked I’d probably not want to be spending a lot of time with her. Who knows what you might do or say to make her run to the cops. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with what you are suggesting- you are not talking about neglect or abuse. I don’t really care what other people do with their kids as long as they are safe and comfortable, but I’m not the kind of person who would gravitate toward attachment parenting either.

My baby is still in-utero too, and the endless stream of “advice” and other comments coming from other moms (mostly younger) is getting really tiring. I have learned to stop discussing anything I plan to do with anyone other than my own mother, even if someone asks, because I am sick of hearing about how I “am going to” feel a certain way or I “won’t be able” to do this or that. This encompasses everything from pregnancy to labor to childcare. If I were you, I’d only talk about things like this with people who aren’t going to have an opinion about everything.

 

[mommamaree]

I forgot to mention spanking is also abuse to her and she calls the police on people who spank.

I can’t say for sure when I’ll start controlled crying but definitely not in the early months when a baby really does need their mother all the time.

As my child grows I don’t feel I have to coddle my child every time they are lonely or missing me. I’m fine with them learning to self soothe.

What I don’t understand is why this lady feels so defensive and pushy about her view. Maybe she’s trying to convince herself of something hmmmm

Stay away from this woman. She is dangerous to your family. I would cut all ties now, especially since she is already accusing you of abusive inclinations.

Spanking is not abuse.
Letting a baby cry it out is not abuse.