Is Divorce the Answer

[EvelynEVF]

“He discussed personality disorder. It’s very hard to live with but he had advice on not letting it get you down or make it your problem.”

Anybody who thinks a spouse can make the other spouse’s BPD not their problem has never lived with a BPD. It’s like being bludgeoned all day, every day, never knowing if you’re going to be treated with affection or rage, and the responses have nothing to do with the stimulus, but how it is interpreted, which swings wildly.

The stories I have read about spouses who are able to continue a marriage, read much more like a parent-child relationship. I don’t know how one would manage this with 8 kids who need protection. I also don’t know how divorce would work. I delayed separation until I had some reasonable assurance that my kids would at least be able to feed themselves if my exhusband was completely non-functional. I am also available by phone whenever they are with him and only work jobs where I can leave at a moment’s notice.

There are no good answers, and trusting God and being a good Catholic (my ex is extremely and publicly religious) is certainly part of the answer, but not a cure-all by any means.

 

[Kal2012]

One of the best things my dad for me was divorce my mentally ill step-mom. A huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I was able to stop going to a therapist because things were getting back to normal.

(She had multiple personalities and didn’t like to take her meds.You never knew what you were going to get when you asked a question.)

If you are considering divorce, then I’d start documenting her behavior and how it harms the kids and you. Older kids usually get a say over what parent they want to be with. Divorce doesn’t happen overnight. Get an attorney. Talk with your priest about an annulment.

You’ve got 8 kids to protect. That should be the priority. I wouldn’t keep them in their current situation.

 

[EvelynEVF]

I think it might be a little naive, depending on the person, to try to reframe as sick rather than evil. If the sick label helps encourage charity, great. If it makes responsibility too slippery, not so great. Yes, there has to be some underlying horrible SOMETHING to break a person so badly, but at the same time, I have seen a BPD choose evil, up close and personal. I needed to let myself see it as evil rather than sick in order to finally get the push I needed to get out of the situation. I kept excusing things with the sick label, and feeling an obligation to remain in danger because it “wasn’t his fault” or he “couldn’t help it.”

BPDs who write about their lives clarify that while they are terrified and act out of the deepest fear and panic, they still make choices they know will hurt other people because they want to hurt them, and they know they need to be brought to account for that. It’s no accident that they home in on people who have mushy boundaries.

When I was in a place where I could have written the original post, one of my friends encouraged me to view it as a balance, where I had to constantly weight the pros and cons of everything. She said that one day the balance would clearly tip, and for now I needed to make sure I was ready when that time came. She was exactly right. No one could make the decision for me.

 

[Blessed8]

Thank you for everyone’s responses. I continue to think deeply and pray a lot about the best decision. You have given me pause, which is good, because most of the comments come from a place of love and understanding. I appreciate the remarks asking me to reframe the situation. I will do this as long as I can and for the children. I also started journaling everything.

I do have mushy boundaries because one does not marry a BPD unless you come from a dysfunctional family that showed you abnormal as normal. Sadly I have photos of bruises left on the children by my spouse.

There is not a straightforward answer. God will tell me when the time is right.

 

[oneofmany]

youtube.com/watch?v=er4tJ24FSLI

You may already know this but I thought it was interesting. There is redemption and change but the person really needs to want it. No one can make them want it though, sad.

 

[davidedwards]

One group of people are happy that they finally left a marriage where they were very unhappy. They feel that they have their life back, and sometimes even their health back. They feel relief and freedom and are proud of themselves that they finally got themselves out of a bad situation.
The other group has huge regrets. They look back and see that, if they had hung in and worked on themselves, they could likely have created a loving relationship. They are disillusioned with their experience of dating, and realize that their ex is a good and caring person. Most of the time their ex has moved on and is in another relationship.

 

[holyrood]

Other than making babies, what else do you and “spouse” do to practice your faith?

why are you still having children together… to continue to pop out children with serious marital problems instead of abstaining to work them out is a little curious.

If you are finally realizing that maybe the baby machine needs to stop…

How sad to see such crass comments on a Catholic forum of all places.

One group of people are happy that they finally left a marriage where they were very unhappy. They feel that they have their life back, and sometimes even their health back. They feel relief and freedom and are proud of themselves that they finally got themselves out of a bad situation.

The other group has huge regrets. They look back and see that, if they had hung in and worked on themselves, they could likely have created a loving relationship. They are disillusioned with their experience of dating, and realize that their ex is a good and caring person. Most of the time their ex has moved on and is in another relationship.

I agree with this, David.

OP, I was in a very similar situation to yours. We went to Retrouvaille and two counselors. I understood at a certain point that all the counseling in the world was not going to fix our marriage because XH wasn’t that interested in changing his behaviors. He was mainly interested in learning how to regain the upper hand and get back to successfully deceiving me so he could carry on with all he was doing behind his back. Counseling can’t change a person who doesn’t want to change. Do you believe your wife has any interest in changing?

I tried individual counseling and was told that I had no proof of any physical affair, so maybe she could help me work on gratitude lists…the implication was that I was imagining things. This, too, would not have helped.

I talked to my parish priest who told me this is not a marriage, and promptly called the pastor in who told me the same thing and told me to ‘get counseling to get strong enough to do what you need to do.’

I went to another counselor who did EMDR therapy, which is used for PTSD. I prayed a lot about it. I filed for divorce with my pastor’s blessing, so to speak. In the divorce proceedings, I found out there was even more I didn’t know–more things that no amount of counseling could have fixed.

I am among those who feels entirely at peace. I felt a cage door was opened and I was finally free. I feel I’m healing from years of verbal and emotional abuse. Having grown up in an alcoholic family, it felt fairly normal to me, but on putting a stop to it, I do feel that I’ve saved my health, my sanity, maybe even my life.

And I have 9 children. Sorry if that’s a problem for anyone, but I made a decision to step out in faith and follow the teachings of the Church I claim to believe in, and I’m not sorry I did. I feel very blessed to have each and every one of my children. I can’t imagine life without them. It was only when I was pregnant with the 9th that I really began to unravel all XH had been up to behind my back, and to understand just how bad it really was.