Is Everything So Truly Black and White?

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marymmma

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I am cradle Catholic. Baptized. Due to different circumstances, some not in my control, I probably have not been in church, more than I have, over most of my 57 years of life. I haven’t realized till now just how much I don’t know about the Catholic faith. After reading here almost daily for the last year, I pretty much feel lost and hopeless. Everything seems so black and white in the rules and I don’t think I belong. I definitely don’t see the God I have loved and believed in all my life. There are lots of problems I have but I will just focus on one.

I lost my son a year ago. He was 28. I was devastated and still am. I’ve written about it here. He has had mental issues since he was five. He started having serious health problems about ten years ago and really suffered and was in terrible pain for about the last two years of his life. I started having to go to his apartment everyday to help take care of him, along with the daily health care aide he had. He prayed religiously for God to help him with his pain and suffering. It came to a point where he gave up and in his troubled mind, didn’t understand why God wasn’t helping. He told me about four months before he died that he didn’t believe in God anymore. He was angry. Couldn’t understand how God could let so much suffering in the world, especially for small children. He questioned how Jesus could say there was no way to God except through Him. What about all the truly good and religious people of different faiths, some going back generations. I tried to talk to him with no success. I’m not good at that. Thought I had more time with him being so young.

I finally talked him to going into the hospital to get help. From the first day he started getting worse and on the fifth day the doctor told me he was going to die and there was nothing they could do to save him. I had to tell him. He would want to know. And I talked to him again about God. He said “Mom, I can’t just turn to God now. He would think I was just doing this now because I’m going to die.” I couldn’t get him to see that yes, he could. So I asked if he would be willing to talk to the hospital’s priest and he said yes he would. I tried to find him but he had just left that day for a two week vacation. The hospital was unable to locate the replacement priest that evening so I told my son I would find the priest tomorrow for him to talk to. And my son was very open to that. It was like he was looking forward to it. But it was too late. My son died that night and I’ve been living a nightmare since then about where my son is today???

The God I have loved and believed in my entire life, I believed, would know my son’s heart. And his mental health issues. I really believe that he never truly stopped believing in God, but that he was just angry like a child might be angry at their parent for not getting what they want and say they hate them. But the parent would know they was just angry and understood. And so I believe that God knows the same about my son. He was a good and loving person. Always seeing the good in everyone and helping so many with their problems. I can’t see someone like him being sent to hell.

But since I’ve been here, always searching for that hope, I’ve seen the general belief is that my son is in hell. He didn’t go to church so he hadn’t made a confession. Therefore, he can’t go to heaven. I can’t and won’t believe that God is that black and white. There has to be some grey. There just has to be. God is God. He can do anything and if he can’t see my son’s heart, all his mental issues and his pain and suffering…then…I don’t know what to think about Him and the Catholic faith. Where is God’s mercy, His love and His forgiveness.

Since he died, I had faithfully been praying for the repose of his soul. Wanting to believe he is in purgatory and there was hope. There was a discussion, here, along these lines and someone said that God doesn’t listen to your prayers for the repose of souls if you, yourself, haven’t been to confession. And I haven’t been in ten months. It hurt me so much that I haven’t prayed for my son since that day. It’s like what’s the use. How could all that sincere praying I’ve been doing since my son died, be rejected by God.

I never knew all this stuff I’ve been reading here. I never learned it. Therefore I never made sure my son knew this stuff. He didn’t know. It might have made a difference. My only reason for living now, was to pray for the repose of his soul, and to try to do my best to make sure I got to heaven one day to be with him again. That’s all I want. I don’t know what to do now. I feel so lost. I feel I was such a failure to my son and may have cost him his soul. If there is no hope I don’t know how I can go on. I just want to be with my son. :’(
 
I am truly very sorry for your loss 😦 It must be unbearable to outlive one’s child 😦

Please don’t blame yourself for not knowing everything that people talk about on here. I never knew most of it either! You’re not the only one and you could not have passed on knowledge to your son that you yourself were completely unaware of.

It is not clear to me whether your son took his own life and whether that is why you now worry he may be in Hell, or whether the posts on here have just generally scared you because your son seemed to have doubts about his faith. If it’s the former, I’d urge you to look at the Catechism of the Church, which stresses:

** Grave psychological disturbances, anguish, or grave fear of hardship, suffering, or torture can diminish the responsibility of the one committing suicide.

2283 We should not despair of the eternal salvation of persons who have taken their own lives. By ways known to him alone, God can provide the opportunity for salutary repentance. The Church prays for persons who have taken their own lives. **

Please be assured of my prayers for you. My heart goes out to you.

Justicia
 
Hello Marymmma,

First, I will say a prayer for you. May The Lord bring your son home to heaven and may The Lord bring you peace. Amen.

Second, I highly recommend that you schedule an appointment with a priest to discuss everything you just posted here. A good discussion with a priest and then confession will help you feel the weight of the world lift from your shoulders.

Now let me see if I can help you with your post.

First, in one way, I believe the world is Black & White and in another sense I do not. What I mean by that is the following:
  • The “White” is the Truth of God. There is no humanly compromise.
  • The “Black” is sin.
  • The “Gray” is a mix of the two… where the Truth and our choices are compromised by some sin.
  • However, I believe there is a 4th option… God’s Forgiveness and Love.
While we humans do not have the ability to make exceptions to Divine Law, God can. The Church teaches that when in a state of mortal sin, we need to repent by going to Confession or by making a Perfect Act of Contrition (which we often don’t know if we actually made one or not… which is why Christ instituted Confession.)

God knows our hearts. He knows what we would have done if things were different and if we had more time on earth. He knows what we would have done if we were raised differently. He knows us better than we know ourselves. So while we humans really only have a choice between Black and White, God can make exceptions and I believe he often does.

Remember, God wills us all to be saved, not just the righteous.

So please continue to pray for your son and ask for The Lord’s mercy. After all, your future prayers may have already helped him get to heaven.

May God Bless you, have mercy on your son, and bring you both every lasting peace. Amen.
 
the questions remains, are you absolutely sure there is no such thing as an absolute?
 
Dear marymmma, first off, I’m so sorry for your son’s loss and all his suffering. :console: Be assured that God loves him and understands everything about him. What we say in our pain is not always what we truly believe deep in our hearts. I am sure God received your son in compassion and forgiveness.

I am not surprised to hear that you have gone all your life without knowing Catholic teachings as you should have. So much of our faith has been neglected since the 60’s–things that Catholics need to know in order to receive all that God wants for us. Sadly, little has been taught about suffering and it’s meaning in our lives for several decades. It’s no wonder people cannot grasp it.

God doesn’t always take away our sufferings. But he does and can give us the grace to live with them and to join them to the sufferings of Christ–if we know to do that. It sounds like your dear son didn’t know he could join his sufferings to those of Christ nor that God had graces meant just for him in his sufferings–ones that would have given meaning to them and helped to make them less burdensome. He cannot be blamed for that–nor can you since neither of you weren’t taught this. Most of us were taught to pray for healing, but not to offer up our sufferings to God. It seems those that taught us were afraid to teach that suffering is going to happen–which only put the suffering on their own in the dark with no way to understand or get help.

In any case, you can pray for the repose of your son’s soul knowing that God does not make us answer for things we didn’t know or did in moments of weakness. He knows the agonies of pain and suffering–he knows what it does to our minds and hearts. The only truly sad thing is we don’t always join our sufferings to his because we simply don’t know we can. It would have made a huge difference in your son’s life, if he’d had this knowledge. But, still I don’t believe your son’s suffering was wasted or in vain. God can use bad things to bring about good. I’m sure he is doing that for your son and will do it for you, as well. God bless and keep you, dear sister in Christ.
 
marymmma said:
I am cradle Catholic. Baptized. Due to different circumstances, some not in my control, I probably have not been in church, more than I have, over most of my 57 years of life. I haven’t realized till now just how much I don’t know about the Catholic faith. After reading here almost daily for the last year, I pretty much feel lost and hopeless. Everything seems so black and white in the rules and I don’t think I belong. I definitely don’t see the God I have loved and believed in all my life. There are lots of problems I have but I will just focus on one.

I lost my son a year ago. He was 28. I was devastated and still am. I’ve written about it here. He has had mental issues since he was five. He started having serious health problems about ten years ago and really suffered and was in terrible pain for about the last two years of his life. I started having to go to his apartment everyday to help take care of him, along with the daily health care aide he had. He prayed religiously for God to help him with his pain and suffering. It came to a point where he gave up and in his troubled mind, didn’t understand why God wasn’t helping. He told me about four months before he died that he didn’t believe in God anymore. He was angry. Couldn’t understand how God could let so much suffering in the world, especially for small children. He questioned how Jesus could say there was no way to God except through Him. What about all the truly good and religious people of different faiths, some going back generations. I tried to talk to him with no success. I’m not good at that. Thought I had more time with him being so young.

I finally talked him to going into the hospital to get help. From the first day he started getting worse and on the fifth day the doctor told me he was going to die and there was nothing they could do to save him. I had to tell him. He would want to know. And I talked to him again about God. He said “Mom, I can’t just turn to God now. He would think I was just doing this now because I’m going to die.” I couldn’t get him to see that yes, he could. So I asked if he would be willing to talk to the hospital’s priest and he said yes he would. I tried to find him but he had just left that day for a two week vacation. The hospital was unable to locate the replacement priest that evening so I told my son I would find the priest tomorrow for him to talk to. And my son was very open to that. It was like he was looking forward to it. But it was too late. My son died that night and I’ve been living a nightmare since then about where my son is today???

The God I have loved and believed in my entire life, I believed, would know my son’s heart. And his mental health issues. I really believe that he never truly stopped believing in God, but that he was just angry like a child might be angry at their parent for not getting what they want and say they hate them. But the parent would know they was just angry and understood. And so I believe that God knows the same about my son. He was a good and loving person. Always seeing the good in everyone and helping so many with their problems. I can’t see someone like him being sent to hell.

But since I’ve been here, always searching for that hope, I’ve seen the general belief is that my son is in hell. He didn’t go to church so he hadn’t made a confession. Therefore, he can’t go to heaven. I can’t and won’t believe that God is that black and white. There has to be some grey. There just has to be. God is God. He can do anything and if he can’t see my son’s heart, all his mental issues and his pain and suffering…then…I don’t know what to think about Him and the Catholic faith. Where is God’s mercy, His love and His forgiveness.

Since he died, I had faithfully been praying for the repose of his soul. Wanting to believe he is in purgatory and there was hope. There was a discussion, here, along these lines and someone said that God doesn’t listen to your prayers for the repose of souls if you, yourself, haven’t been to confession. And I haven’t been in ten months. It hurt me so much that I haven’t prayed for my son since that day. It’s like what’s the use. How could all that sincere praying I’ve been doing since my son died, be rejected by God.

I never knew all this stuff I’ve been reading here. I never learned it. Therefore I never made sure my son knew this stuff. He didn’t know. It might have made a difference. My only reason for living now, was to pray for the repose of his soul, and to try to do my best to make sure I got to heaven one day to be with him again. That’s all I want. I don’t know what to do now. I feel so lost. I feel I was such a failure to my son and may have cost him his soul. If there is no hope I don’t know how I can go on. I just want to be with my son. :’(
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I’m around your age and have had mental health issues for decades. There was a day where I felt God had abandoned me, but it was my clouded mind talking to me, not the real me. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Before my last visit to the Emergency Room, I thought I was dying, but, I wasn’t. In your case, please talk to a priest. There is no gray, because God knows what’s in our hearts, and all I prayed for was if I was dying, that I just wanted to be with Him. It was hard to think clearly.

God knows you really tried to do what you could. Believe that. Unburden yourself to a priest. Tell him what you’ve said here. After my father died, I felt at peace because I believed he was with God. Again, talk this out with a real person. Get that guidance God wants you to have.

God bless you,
Ed
 
marymmma said:
I am cradle Catholic. Baptized. Due to different circumstances, some not in my control, I probably have not been in church, more than I have, over most of my 57 years of life. I haven’t realized till now just how much I don’t know about the Catholic faith. After reading here almost daily for the last year, I pretty much feel lost and hopeless. Everything seems so black and white in the rules and I don’t think I belong. I definitely don’t see the God I have loved and believed in all my life. There are lots of problems I have but I will just focus on one.

I lost my son a year ago. He was 28. I was devastated and still am. I’ve written about it here. He has had mental issues since he was five. He started having serious health problems about ten years ago and really suffered and was in terrible pain for about the last two years of his life. I started having to go to his apartment everyday to help take care of him, along with the daily health care aide he had. He prayed religiously for God to help him with his pain and suffering. It came to a point where he gave up and in his troubled mind, didn’t understand why God wasn’t helping. He told me about four months before he died that he didn’t believe in God anymore. He was angry. Couldn’t understand how God could let so much suffering in the world, especially for small children. He questioned how Jesus could say there was no way to God except through Him. What about all the truly good and religious people of different faiths, some going back generations. I tried to talk to him with no success. I’m not good at that. Thought I had more time with him being so young.

I finally talked him to going into the hospital to get help. From the first day he started getting worse and on the fifth day the doctor told me he was going to die and there was nothing they could do to save him. I had to tell him. He would want to know. And I talked to him again about God. He said “Mom, I can’t just turn to God now. He would think I was just doing this now because I’m going to die.” I couldn’t get him to see that yes, he could. So I asked if he would be willing to talk to the hospital’s priest and he said yes he would. I tried to find him but he had just left that day for a two week vacation. The hospital was unable to locate the replacement priest that evening so I told my son I would find the priest tomorrow for him to talk to. And my son was very open to that. It was like he was looking forward to it. But it was too late. My son died that night and I’ve been living a nightmare since then about where my son is today???

The God I have loved and believed in my entire life, I believed, would know my son’s heart. And his mental health issues. I really believe that he never truly stopped believing in God, but that he was just angry like a child might be angry at their parent for not getting what they want and say they hate them. But the parent would know they was just angry and understood. And so I believe that God knows the same about my son. He was a good and loving person. Always seeing the good in everyone and helping so many with their problems. I can’t see someone like him being sent to hell.

But since I’ve been here, always searching for that hope, I’ve seen the general belief is that my son is in hell. He didn’t go to church so he hadn’t made a confession. Therefore, he can’t go to heaven. I can’t and won’t believe that God is that black and white. There has to be some grey. There just has to be. God is God. He can do anything and if he can’t see my son’s heart, all his mental issues and his pain and suffering…then…I don’t know what to think about Him and the Catholic faith. Where is God’s mercy, His love and His forgiveness.

I never knew all this stuff I’ve been reading here. I never learned it. Therefore I never made sure my son knew this stuff. He didn’t know. It might have made a difference. My only reason for living now, was to pray for the repose of his soul, and to try to do my best to make sure I got to heaven one day to be with him again. That’s all I want. I don’t know what to do now. I feel so lost. I feel I was such a failure to my son and may have cost him his soul. If there is no hope I don’t know how I can go on. I just want to be with my son. :’(
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I, like the other posters, want to express my sincerest condolences on the loss of your son.

Other than that, my advice is: first of all, don’t beat yourself up about not being a good enough mother to your son. From what you say here about your relationship with your son, it sounds like you really loved him and still do, and you definitely did your very best to help him, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Guilt is a natural emotion, especially when grief is still fresh, as it is for you, but try not to give in to it.

Second, whatever you’ve read on CAF from other members, however well-intentioned, is not necessarily gospel, but the perspective of laypeople. Therefore, I would suggest you talk to a good priest in your parish to get a more professional perspective about what the Church says about the salvation of your son’s soul. I am neither Catholic nor Christian, but from what I’ve gathered in the course of my reading, the Church does speak of mitigating circumstances of culpability for people who are suffering from mental illness. But discuss this with your priest or with one of the Fathers on the Apologist Forum. Don’t rely only on Internet posters’ ideas.

Finally, remember always that G-d is a G-d of mercy, and the Church states this, so no matter what others may say about justice and rules, G-d is not bound by the rules, nor the Sacraments for that matter. This quality of mercy is emphasized not only in the Gospels but in the Hebrew Bible as well. NONE OF US can fully understand just how merciful and loving G-d is.

I will pray for your healing and for your son.
 
Mary, your story and what you’ve experienced here on CAF just breaks my heart. Your opening sounded familiar. In 57 yrs I too have not been in church more than what I have been. I just wanted you to know you are not alone.

I know I certainly don’t believe things are as black and white. We’re human beings with finite understanding. God OTOH is an infinite being. I can understand your son though. I’ve suffered from excruciating physical pain at various times and I’ve sometimes asked God why? I’ve been asked too why would God allow all the suffering and tragedy that goes on in the world? I myself have wondered the same thing. And the best reply I can come up with that works for me is just because this is not heaven. I once heard a Catholic deacon explain it this way. We are in temporary tents here on earth. In heaven is where there will no longer be suffering. I look at it this way. We would not appreciate heaven if heaven was already on earth.

Granted I am not a practicing Catholic. But even I know enough that Jesus said blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted and blessed are the merciful for they shall receive mercy. And that deacon went onto comfort the mourning which is what I’m about to attempt.

Most of all please don’t let those who say your son is in hell get you down. They don’t know. You are right. Only God knows your son’s heart. God is all knowing. God certainly has the ability to not only know his heart. But indeed his illnesses and the struggles and suffering he faced. God knew not only your son’s heart but his mind and soul as well. As far as other faiths, Jesus even said he has those not of this fold who will enter heaven. No one knows anyone’s heart at the moment they draw there last breath but God.

So my hope for you is to hold on to hope. To hold onto faith that you son is not in hell. God is love. God is merciful. God brings peace. I myself am going to keep the faith that your son may already even be in heaven. And as a Christian I will say with God’s son. With the son of another Mary. I am not going to think the worst and get all negative. From our vantage point of the departure deck it is always difficult. But imagine the welcome at the arrival deck on the other side! It’s hard I know for us from our earthly vantage point to imagine exactly how awesome that must be. But keep a positive faith. That you will indeed be with your son again in heaven someday. Trust that your son has found peace in God’s loving, merciful hands. And I pray you too can find some peace and comfort in God hands until you and your son meet again. You did not fail him. God bless you! Peace be with you,
 
I really am so very sorry for your loss. I will pray for you and your son.

Please don’t take everything you read as the total truth. Sometimes there is scrupulosity, mislearning, etc. Sometimes there is simple overzealousness. Only the Lord knows the state of your soul when you were praying. My suggestion is to get to confession and keep praying.
 
Marymmma - I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what you are going through. I’ll give you my opinion. Yes, the Church is full of laws and rules, which seem to be black and white. But remember this, God instituted the Sacraments to guide us closer to Him. While we may be bound by the Sacraments, God is NOT. God can do anything He wants - He is infinitely wise, forgiving and merciful. Based on how you describe your son, I think God took him into His loving arms with all of your son’s illness, anger, and sin. Your son did not want to reject God. Plus how do we know that God does not give us a final chance at repentance at the very last split second of life as we’re passing away? Your prayers matter. I think they can make a difference for your son’s soul, and anyone else you pray for, EVEN if you have not gone to confession recently. That’s a bunch of nonsense in my opinion.

Sometimes I think many of us get too wrapped around the legalistic aspects of the Church. Only God knows what’s in our hearts. I will pray for you and your son. Please pray for me as well.

God Bless.
 
It sounds to me as if your son did love God and was willing to talk to a priest. God most definitely knew his heart and knew that deep in His soul He loved him. (or that’s how it sounds to me) Jesus also, knew that he was mentally challenged and the pain that he had endured. How dare anybody play God and tell you that your child is in Hell. Jesus is merciful and only He knows where your child is. I personally believe he believed. Why would he be willing to talk to a priest (the awesome men that Jesus himself sent to us to represent Him) if he did not. The fact that he was willing to talk to a priest showed good intentions. I will pray for the repose of your sons soul. May Our Blessed Lord and His mother stay near to your heart. Amen
 
Marymmma, your post breaks my heart. I am so sorry for your loss. First, please know there are all kind of people on the internet. Just because it is called “Catholic Answers” does not mean all the posts are correct. People freely post what they think, many are wrong. Please do not allow random people’s words to bother you.

That said, our God is a loving and merciful God. I am sure your son made to the purgatory. The fact he was willing and even looked forward to talking to a priest shows his sincere intention of seeking God. It is unfortunate the hospital priest was gone for vacation and no other priest could be found at the time. But have you ever thought our Lord Jesus is the chief Priest and he must have saved the opportunity of talking to your son for Himself? We all face the Lord when we die. Jesus the chief Priest is the only one your son needs. Imagine when that encounter happened, you son would understand all he has gone through and our Lord must open His arm wide to embrace your son. Your son is safe at home, have peace. Don’t worry.

I suggest you to offer as many Masses as you could for the reposed soul of your son. The way to offer Mass is to go to a Catholic Church and see the church secretary. Usually you pay a stipend for the priest who says the Mass. It differs from church to church. Normally it is $10.00. But if you could not afford it, you do not have to pay the stipend, just tell them you could not afford it, or offer whatever you can. The Mass will still be offered according to availability. Some parish is busy, like mine, it is full until 2016. You can shop around to find a church has the most recent opening. Then you write down the date and time of the Mass(es) will be said for you son so you can attend it. You probably know all the above, I write them down just in case.

Mass is the highest form of prayer, the most effective way to help people in purgatory.
Never stop praying for your son in your personal prayer. Prayer works. May God’s peace be with you. You are in my prayer.
 
marymmma said:
I am cradle Catholic. Baptized. Due to different circumstances, some not in my control, I probably have not been in church, more than I have, over most of my 57 years of life. I haven’t realized till now just how much I don’t know about the Catholic faith. After reading here almost daily for the last year, I pretty much feel lost and hopeless. Everything seems so black and white in the rules and I don’t think I belong. I definitely don’t see the God I have loved and believed in all my life. There are lots of problems I have but I will just focus on one.

I lost my son a year ago. He was 28. I was devastated and still am. I’ve written about it here. He has had mental issues since he was five. He started having serious health problems about ten years ago and really suffered and was in terrible pain for about the last two years of his life. I started having to go to his apartment everyday to help take care of him, along with the daily health care aide he had. He prayed religiously for God to help him with his pain and suffering. It came to a point where he gave up and in his troubled mind, didn’t understand why God wasn’t helping. He told me about four months before he died that he didn’t believe in God anymore. He was angry. Couldn’t understand how God could let so much suffering in the world, especially for small children. He questioned how Jesus could say there was no way to God except through Him. What about all the truly good and religious people of different faiths, some going back generations. I tried to talk to him with no success. I’m not good at that. Thought I had more time with him being so young.

I finally talked him to going into the hospital to get help. From the first day he started getting worse and on the fifth day the doctor told me he was going to die and there was nothing they could do to save him. I had to tell him. He would want to know. And I talked to him again about God. He said “Mom, I can’t just turn to God now. He would think I was just doing this now because I’m going to die.” I couldn’t get him to see that yes, he could. So I asked if he would be willing to talk to the hospital’s priest and he said yes he would. I tried to find him but he had just left that day for a two week vacation. The hospital was unable to locate the replacement priest that evening so I told my son I would find the priest tomorrow for him to talk to. And my son was very open to that. It was like he was looking forward to it. But it was too late. My son died that night and I’ve been living a nightmare since then about where my son is today???

The God I have loved and believed in my entire life, I believed, would know my son’s heart. And his mental health issues. I really believe that he never truly stopped believing in God, but that he was just angry like a child might be angry at their parent for not getting what they want and say they hate them. But the parent would know they was just angry and understood. And so I believe that God knows the same about my son. He was a good and loving person. Always seeing the good in everyone and helping so many with their problems. I can’t see someone like him being sent to hell.

But since I’ve been here, always searching for that hope, I’ve seen the general belief is that my son is in hell. He didn’t go to church so he hadn’t made a confession. Therefore, he can’t go to heaven. I can’t and won’t believe that God is that black and white. There has to be some grey. There just has to be. God is God. He can do anything and if he can’t see my son’s heart, all his mental issues and his pain and suffering…then…I don’t know what to think about Him and the Catholic faith. Where is God’s mercy, His love and His forgiveness.

Since he died, I had faithfully been praying for the repose of his soul. Wanting to believe he is in purgatory and there was hope. There was a discussion, here, along these lines and someone said that God doesn’t listen to your prayers for the repose of souls if you, yourself, haven’t been to confession. And I haven’t been in ten months. It hurt me so much that I haven’t prayed for my son since that day. It’s like what’s the use. How could all that sincere praying I’ve been doing since my son died, be rejected by God.

I never knew all this stuff I’ve been reading here. I never learned it. Therefore I never made sure my son knew this stuff. He didn’t know. It might have made a difference. My only reason for living now, was to pray for the repose of his soul, and to try to do my best to make sure I got to heaven one day to be with him again. That’s all I want. I don’t know what to do now. I feel so lost. I feel I was such a failure to my son and may have cost him his soul. If there is no hope I don’t know how I can go on. I just want to be with my son. :’(
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*No one *on earth can say for sure where your son is; however, the Church grants a plenary indulgence to those who are unable to have a priest come for Last Rites.

Imagine that a college professor says that the rule is that a letter-grade will be taken off for each a paper is late unless students talk to her first. Then a student comes in several days late with her paper, his foot in a cast, his head bandaged up. He explains that he was in a car accident on his way to class, etc. Would anyone be surprised if the teacher let him slide? No.

In the same way, God taught us the rules so we would know how to get to Heaven. However, just as the professor is not bound by the rules she makes, God is not bound by the rules He makes. When He judges us, He sees more about us than we can see. If you see that your son was deserving of mercy, don’t you think that God would see that too?
 
Since he died, I had faithfully been praying for the repose of his soul. Wanting to believe he is in purgatory and there was hope. There was a discussion, here, along these lines and someone said that God doesn’t listen to your prayers for the repose of souls if you, yourself, haven’t been to confession.
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Just because one hasn’t been to Confession doesn’t mean one’s soul is in a state if mortal sin, and even if one has committed a mortal sin and has not yet been to Confession, it doesn’t mean that they have not repented and had God accept that repentance (on the basis that they go to Confession as soon as they are able–and possibly even with His understanding that something other than distance and weather might prevent one’s going to Confession).

So, it’s tricky. God has these rules to help us attain Heaven, but they are not supposed to be *barriers *to attaining Heaven. We must do the best we can and trust that God will supply what we are unable to do, so in the area of prayer, *always pray. *
And I haven’t been in ten months. It hurt me so much that I haven’t prayed for my son since that day. It’s like what’s the use. How could all that sincere praying I’ve been doing since my son died, be rejected by God.
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I hope that you know a good priest you can ask about these things. Always do a good thing, even if someone says it won’t do any good, because first, that someone might be flat-out wrong, and second, we may not fully understand our position wrt God, and third, we don’t know that God isn’t accepting something partial from us hecause He understands our situation. So please start praying again for your son.

That being said, a certain lack of certainty in the situation with your son is ti be expected, but you must trust God to judge your son a million percent fairly. Ask God to help you trust Him; ask Mary for her prayers and intercession.
 
marymma,

I am so truly sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you. As others have posted please talk to a priest, and, perhaps a Catholic counselor to help you with grief counseling. I am your age, and I am so sorry for all of the agony that you are experiencing.

I have been away from the church for some years, and questioned our Catholic faith, too. I questioned that how could a God send anyone to hell. However, a few years ago, I felt a tugging to come back home. Slowly, I made my journey back. When my brother died in 2004, I went through some changes. I drifted my way to some New Age beliefs. Then when I was on my way back home, I questioned as to where the soul of my brother went to. He was a good guy, but he lived a fast life. He, too, died without final confession. My mother made it to his death bed. It was on the sudden side. He was in a coma when she made it there. He had advanced liver disease. He never went to the doctors, as he did not have health insurance. He was a professional, but chose not to spend money on health insurance. He was an attorney and was self-employed.

My mother went armed with a scapular and placed it on him. I always wondered about his soul. My brother had 12 years of Catholic schooling. One of those years was spent in a Catholic high school seminary.(his freshman year) But, after high school, and throughout college he lived a fast life with heavy drinking and some drugs.

One day when I was watching EWTN, I recall a priest saying that when we are physically gone, we get another chance to accept Jesus Christ. After hearing this priest talk, I was convinced that my brother would have been saved. I am certain that he would have accepted Christ., and giving him the opportunity to go through purgatory. This gave me a great sense of relief.

I can empathize with you praying and not being in a state of grace. I am in the same situation, there. I am not able to receive any sacraments, but that is about to change in the very near future. I remarried, and my husband was married to a Catholic in church, and they never had annulment. We just completed all that, and I anticipate going for my confession this weekend. It has been a very long time for me. I have not been to confession since 1993. I am looking forward to being in a state of grace, and for my prayers for the deceased to be heard. Even though, they say our prayers are not helping the deceased, I still pray that all the prayers said while not in state of grace will count, once I am in state of grace. I have had masses said for both of my brothers. It takes awhile for us to have masses said at our parishes, and it is difficult to get the day we request. I have masses said through missionary priests. I requested mass to be said by Franciscan priests, as they offered masses for the deceased.

Again, you have my deepest sympathy.

God bless you.
 
First, I want to most sincerely thank you all for your replies. My mind, heart and soul feels relieved right now. I should have written to you sooner but I was just sinking deeper and deeper into despair and wasn’t thinking right.

My son did not commit suicide. He died from lethal sleep apnea due to super morbid obesity. After a night of fighting due to the lack of oxygen getting to his brain, he finally went into respiratory arrest and passed in the morning.

Thank you all for the prayers you offer and for understanding my situation. I was afraid I might be criticized because I felt I didn’t raise my son properly. I did my best with what I knew and understood. I loved him with all my heart. During his last two years when I had to start going to his apartment daily to help with his care, we became even closer then we were already. We became like close friends. I miss him terribly.

I have reached for the phone many times to call a priest to set up an appointment to come talk to him but stopped short of doing it because I was afraid of what he might say. I look to him as the final authority here on earth that I can talk to and if he should tell me that which I couldn’t bear to hear, I don’t know what I would do. But I will do it. And go to confession. I have been preparing for confession this past week but just didn’t know, didn’t feel like it would be worth it anymore considering the way I’ve been so down lately.

And no one told me exactly that my son was going to hell. What I meant was that I was reading a thread on here where people were discussing about whether someone would still get to heaven if they hadn’t confessed their sins, especially mortal sins, before they died. What if they got hit by a bus on their way to confession. And people were saying that it didn’t matter what they may have intended to do, that if they didn’t confess and wasn’t in a state of grace with God at the moment of death…then they were going to hell. That just killed me reading that. It killed my only hope I had for my son to get into heaven because time ran out for him while we were trying to get a priest for him to talk to. And I gave up then.

But I have renewed hope again. And I plan to write here sooner before things start piling up on me again because I got in a pretty bad way. I start praying for my son’s soul again tonight with all sincerity and trust in God. Thank you. You saved me. :o
 
marymmma said:
First, I want to most sincerely thank you all for your replies. My mind, heart and soul feels relieved right now. I should have written to you sooner but I was just sinking deeper and deeper into despair and wasn’t thinking right.

My son did not commit suicide. He died from lethal sleep apnea due to super morbid obesity. After a night of fighting due to the lack of oxygen getting to his brain, he finally went into respiratory arrest and passed in the morning.

Thank you all for the prayers you offer and for understanding my situation. I was afraid I might be criticized because I felt I didn’t raise my son properly. I did my best with what I knew and understood. I loved him with all my heart. During his last two years when I had to start going to his apartment daily to help with his care, we became even closer then we were already. We became like close friends. I miss him terribly.

I have reached for the phone many times to call a priest to set up an appointment to come talk to him but stopped short of doing it because I was afraid of what he might say. I look to him as the final authority here on earth that I can talk to and if he should tell me that which I couldn’t bear to hear, I don’t know what I would do. But I will do it. And go to confession. I have been preparing for confession this past week but just didn’t know, didn’t feel like it would be worth it anymore considering the way I’ve been so down lately.

And no one told me exactly that my son was going to hell. What I meant was that I was reading a thread on here where people were discussing about whether someone would still get to heaven if they hadn’t confessed their sins, especially mortal sins, before they died. What if they got hit by a bus on their way to confession. And people were saying that it didn’t matter what they may have intended to do, that if they didn’t confess and wasn’t in a state of grace with God at the moment of death…then they were going to hell. That just killed me reading that. It killed my only hope I had for my son to get into heaven because time ran out for him while we were trying to get a priest for him to talk to. And I gave up then.

But I have renewed hope again. And I plan to write here sooner before things start piling up on me again because I got in a pretty bad way. I start praying for my son’s soul again tonight with all sincerity and trust in God. Thank you. You saved me. :o
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I’m sure that any good priest would treat your case with the sensitivity it deserves. Please do not stop praying for your son!

I am glad that you feel those on this thread have helped in some way. God bless you! 🙂
 
marymmma said:
I am cradle Catholic. Baptized. Due to different circumstances, some not in my control, I probably have not been in church, more than I have, over most of my 57 years of life. I haven’t realized till now just how much I don’t know about the Catholic faith. After reading here almost daily for the last year, I pretty much feel lost and hopeless. Everything seems so black and white in the rules and I don’t think I belong. I definitely don’t see the God I have loved and believed in all my life. There are lots of problems I have but I will just focus on one.

I lost my son a year ago. He was 28. I was devastated and still am. I’ve written about it here. He has had mental issues since he was five. He started having serious health problems about ten years ago and really suffered and was in terrible pain for about the last two years of his life. I started having to go to his apartment everyday to help take care of him, along with the daily health care aide he had. He prayed religiously for God to help him with his pain and suffering. It came to a point where he gave up and in his troubled mind, didn’t understand why God wasn’t helping. He told me about four months before he died that he didn’t believe in God anymore. He was angry. Couldn’t understand how God could let so much suffering in the world, especially for small children. He questioned how Jesus could say there was no way to God except through Him. What about all the truly good and religious people of different faiths, some going back generations. I tried to talk to him with no success. I’m not good at that. Thought I had more time with him being so young.

I finally talked him to going into the hospital to get help. From the first day he started getting worse and on the fifth day the doctor told me he was going to die and there was nothing they could do to save him. I had to tell him. He would want to know. And I talked to him again about God. He said “Mom, I can’t just turn to God now. He would think I was just doing this now because I’m going to die.” I couldn’t get him to see that yes, he could. So I asked if he would be willing to talk to the hospital’s priest and he said yes he would. I tried to find him but he had just left that day for a two week vacation. The hospital was unable to locate the replacement priest that evening so I told my son I would find the priest tomorrow for him to talk to. And my son was very open to that. It was like he was looking forward to it. But it was too late. My son died that night and I’ve been living a nightmare since then about where my son is today???

The God I have loved and believed in my entire life, I believed, would know my son’s heart. And his mental health issues. I really believe that he never truly stopped believing in God, but that he was just angry like a child might be angry at their parent for not getting what they want and say they hate them. But the parent would know they was just angry and understood. And so I believe that God knows the same about my son. He was a good and loving person. Always seeing the good in everyone and helping so many with their problems. I can’t see someone like him being sent to hell.

But since I’ve been here, always searching for that hope, I’ve seen the general belief is that my son is in hell. He didn’t go to church so he hadn’t made a confession. Therefore, he can’t go to heaven. I can’t and won’t believe that God is that black and white. There has to be some grey. There just has to be. God is God. He can do anything and if he can’t see my son’s heart, all his mental issues and his pain and suffering…then…I don’t know what to think about Him and the Catholic faith. Where is God’s mercy, His love and His forgiveness.

Since he died, I had faithfully been praying for the repose of his soul. Wanting to believe he is in purgatory and there was hope. There was a discussion, here, along these lines and someone said that God doesn’t listen to your prayers for the repose of souls if you, yourself, haven’t been to confession. And I haven’t been in ten months. It hurt me so much that I haven’t prayed for my son since that day. It’s like what’s the use. How could all that sincere praying I’ve been doing since my son died, be rejected by God.

I never knew all this stuff I’ve been reading here. I never learned it. Therefore I never made sure my son knew this stuff. He didn’t know. It might have made a difference. My only reason for living now, was to pray for the repose of his soul, and to try to do my best to make sure I got to heaven one day to be with him again. That’s all I want. I don’t know what to do now. I feel so lost. I feel I was such a failure to my son and may have cost him his soul. If there is no hope I don’t know how I can go on. I just want to be with my son. :’(
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An Unpublished Manuscript on Purgatory

I can tell you about the different degrees of Purgatory because I have passed through them. In the great Purgatory there are several stages. In the lowest and most painful, like a temporary hell, are the sinners who have committed terrible crimes during life and whose death surprised them in that state. It was almost a miracle that they were saved, and often by the prayers of holy parents or other pious persons. Sometimes they did not even have time to confess their sins and the world thought them lost, but God, whose mercy is infinite, gave them at the moment of death the contrition necessary for their salvation on account of one or more good actions which they performed during life. For such souls, Purgatory is terrible. It is a real hell with this difference, that in hell they curse God, whereas we bless Him and thank Him for having saved us.

catholicculture.org/culture/library/view.cfm?recnum=6253
 
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