Is friend zone fair?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Daisy
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
D

Daisy

Guest
I have a dancing partner who I am slightly attracted to, who recently asked me to dinner and has kissed me. I’ve decided I don’t want to date him because he’s not Catholic, not very deep, but always still a perfect gentleman. I enjoy his company. I would like to keep ballroom dancing with him, even enjoying events with him, and told him “just friends,” but I’m not sure this is a good situation to be in, especially if another relationship I have becomes exclusive… somehow I feel it’s hurtful to both of them. I’m also wondering about the issue of blocking old boyfriends on Facebook…
 
Daisy said:
I have a dancing partner who I am slightly attracted to, who recently asked me to dinner and has kissed me. I’ve decided I don’t want to date him because he’s not Catholic, not very deep, but always still a perfect gentleman. I enjoy his company. I would like to keep ballroom dancing with him, even enjoying events with him, and told him “just friends,” but I’m not sure this is a good situation to be in, especially if another relationship I have becomes exclusive… somehow I feel it’s hurtful to both of them. I’m also wondering about the issue of blocking old boyfriends on Facebook…
Click to expand...
Being friends is great–being in a quasi-romantic zone is not great.
 
Just friends is fine. Sure, it might take him some time to get over it but that’s life.

Just be clear about why you aren’t dating him.
 
Just friends is fine.

As for blocking old boyfriends on FB, if you’re still friends, there’s no reason to block them. And if your potential new love interest says to block them, that’s a red flag right there.
 
lilypadrees said:
As for blocking old boyfriends on FB, if you’re still friends, there’s no reason to block them. And if your potential new love interest says to block them, that’s a red flag right there.
Click to expand...
I know I’d feel funny if my significant other had a dance partner who was interested in him and had already kissed him. Is it not healthy to feel this way? 😯 I have to also admit that I’d feel a little nervous if my sig. other was fb friends with old flames… I don’t know, an easy opportunity to fall into temptation in a weak moment of loneliness? It’s a tricky thing. Actually, come to think of it, I guess it didn’t bother me that much that a love interest was fb friends with former flames.
 
Last edited:
I hate the term “JUST friends”. Friendship is vital to our emotional health, we were created to live in friendship with other people. The best marriages are marriages between friends.

If this man is your friend, he can understand “I do not want to begin a romance with someone who does not share my foundational beliefs. That does not mean I do not cherish your friendship!”
 
TheLittleLady said:
If this man is your friend, he can understand “I do not want to begin a romance with someone who does not share my foundational beliefs.
Click to expand...
Yes, he does understand, and will continue to dance with me without putting on the pressure, because he is very shy and it’s just not his way. At the same time, I feel a bit cruel dancing with him and doing things with him. Like I’m feeding his hopes or leading him on somehow.
 
There’s no temptation if they agreed to remain friends. Anyone new who feels threatened by friendship is not the person to get involved with.
 
Also 100% on point. Healthy partners are not threatened by healthy friendships.
 
You’re not. You’ve been clear about your intentions. Now, go enjoy your friend and let him assume responsibility for his emotions. You’re not his keeper. 🙂
 
I think it’s actually a sign of emotional health if people remain on good terms with previous partners. It shows they appreciate the things that initially brought them together and are able to put aside hurt or frictions in service of a lasting friendship. Lovely!

One of my closest friends is a gentleman I once dated, and I’m thrilled we’re actively involved in each other’s lives. He’s a real treasure, but we just weren’t spouse material for one another. If someone edges up to “almost spouse” compatibility, they’re worth holding onto and investing in as friends!!
 
Last edited:
There is a difference between the “Friend zone”, and setting healthy boundaries within a friendship. The friend zone leaves feelings of attraction unaddressed, and becomes frustrating for all involved.

If you want to stay friends, or at least dance partners, you will have to gently reject his advances. Say your flattered, but would like to keep things platonic. Most importantly, you will need to proactively check in every so often about whether your dating, etc, to avoid surprises and hurt feelings.

It doesn’t have to be complicated, but it does require a bit of maturity.
 
There is always the near occasion of sin, though.

I was discussing the issue with a friend of mine who is a very well established counselor. I was currently dating a man who was very close with his ex, perhaps best friends. It was beginning to bother me, so I brought it up to her. She told me that the majority of men she had counseled had admitted to sleeping with their friendly ex at least once a year to her. She said it was because they were available to their ex at vulnerable times in their life…

AFA my current issue, I had to reestablish the friendship boundary last night, and apparently I hurt his feelings. So I guess perhaps there will be no more friendship/dance partner. 😦
 
Last edited:
As a veteran of the dance floor, I can speak to this. I have no advice for the OP; it is for her would-be suitor. I would tell him life isn’t fair and if all she wants is friendship, then if he still has any attraction for her that would color that friendship for him, as in thinking there’s still hope for him because she is leaving the friendship door open, then he needs to move on from her. Say hello at dances, take her for a spin on the floor, sure. But leave it there and be looking elsewhere for possible dating candidates.

I have enough friends, I don’t need any more. I continue to be sociable with women who rejected my request for a phone number, but only at the dance venues. Otherwise they are not in my life. That seems to work well; we will say hello and exchange small talk as we dance a song together. They seem to be ok with that and I’m very ok with that plus I avoid the appearance of a creep or stalker. It is possible a woman can change her mind, but in my experience that is quite rare.

Also generally speaking, if one is in an exclusive relationship, old flames really should be blocked, dropped, unfriended, etc. This goes with building trust and accountability, and also avoids the appearance of temptation. FB and other social media have definitely played significant parts in divorces; one can google search for those stories and statistics. The OP shouldn’t feel guilty about blocking this suitor if her preferred relationship gets serious enough. His feelings are his problem, not hers.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top