Is giving this up for lent a mockery?

[HoneyBea]

Thanks everyone. I read all the responses and they were very straightforward yet kind. I so appreciate that and taking the time to offer me advice.

Yes, he does have feelings for me and no my husband doesn’t even know him, except for one time he found a message from him but I managed to play it off.

I honestly thought getting pregnant would make it end. He was very disappointed when I told him I was pregnant and he stopped contact with me for about a month but since then he has come back in my life and I don’t know he doesn’t seem to care…maybe because I’m not showing yet?
I don’t think I have strong feeling for him it’s hard to tell and to distinguish my feelings. I like the way he makes me feel and as odd as this sounds he reminds me of my husband but without all the things I don’t like about my husband.

I have been praying for about a year now over this and it’s definitely helped I don’t feel so attached to him and I am have resolved to change my behavior and cut him off. I guess I’m just scared I won’t be able to.

I really love what Grace wrote, it was so lovely. I think that is something I need to practice, I’ve actually been praying to be able to do that too. I pray to love my husband more. I have a lot of hurt and resentment towards him and it shows but I’m ready to let that go too. I forgive him but now I need to undo old habits. I want to love and honor him.

Please pray for me! I need so many prayers for our marriage. Things are much better but there is still much work to be done and time is running out. This blessing will be here before we know it.

I will be giving him up for lent as well as something good and I will be filling the void with focusing on love for my husband. I will say this …the month I didn’t talk to the other man I had more love to give my husband so it’s definitely affecting my marriage. I see this now. Even the priest said that I sounded way better and more at peace.

God blessed us with life and I’m going to do my best not to screw it all up.

Pray for me please and thank you.

 

[zz912]

Yes, he does have feelings for me and no my husband doesn’t even know him, except for one time he found a message from him but I managed to play it off.

If you have to hide it from your husband, it’s wrong.

I honestly thought getting pregnant would make it end.

Why? Obviously the other man doesn’t respect your marriage and marriage vows. Why would he respect your family and children? He has a selfish interest in you, and doesn’t care the long-term consequences for you if it satisfies his desire.

He was very disappointed when I told him I was pregnant and he stopped contact with me for about a month but since then he has come back in my life and I don’t know he doesn’t seem to care…maybe because I’m not showing yet?

A true friend is happy when their friend receives a blessing. Especially a great blessing of a child. The fact that he was disappointed in your blessing tells you all you need to know about him and your “relationship”.

I don’t think I have strong feeling for him it’s hard to tell and to distinguish my feelings. I like the way he makes me feel and as odd as this sounds he reminds me of my husband but without all the things I don’t like about my husband.

Predators prey on this. And it isn’t magical. The reason you don’t have those issues with the other man is because you don’t have to pay a mortgage with him, or pay bills, or deal with annoying habits, or deal with in-laws, or any of 100 other things that come in marriage. ALL you get with him is sunshine, unicorns and rainbows. He’s all fun, with no responsibility. But I can ASSURE you, that if you were in a relationship or marriage with this other man, you would have ALL those issues or different ones. EVERYONE has problems/baggage/issues. But because you aren’t experiencing this issues and problems with this man, you are comparing your husband unfairly against Mr. Unicorns. Of course your husband comes off looking bad, b/c you and he have to deal with reality, not fantasy.

Giving attention to this man instead of your husband only fuels the impossible dream that your husband gets compared to. You resent your husband because he comes with real-world issues and responsibilities.

I have been praying for about a year now over this and it’s definitely helped I don’t feel so attached to him and I am have resolved to change my behavior and cut him off. I guess I’m just scared I won’t be able to.

Time to take a leap of faith, and cut the other man loose.

I really love what Grace wrote, it was so lovely. I think that is something I need to practice, I’ve actually been praying to be able to do that too. I pray to love my husband more. I have a lot of hurt and resentment towards him and it shows but I’m ready to let that go too. I forgive him but now I need to undo old habits. I want to love and honor him.

Good. The longer you hold to these things, the more you open yourself to being vulnerable to predators. The devil feeds on our weaknesses, and when we hold onto our weaknesses instead of bringing them to God, we give the devil an opening to tempt us.

Please pray for me! I need so many prayers for our marriage. Things are much better but there is still much work to be done and time is running out. This blessing will be here before we know it.

No, time isn’t running out. Don’t put a false deadline on yourself, your husband and family. Constantly work, pray, and give selflessly to your husband, now and after the baby is here. It will be hard, but the more you do it, the easier it becomes. It is similar to exercise, the first few times are hard and hurt. But it is worth it.

I will be giving him up for lent as well as something good and I will be filling the void with focusing on love for my husband. I will say this …the month I didn’t talk to the other man I had more love to give my husband so it’s definitely affecting my marriage. I see this now. Even the priest said that I sounded way better and more at peace.

I’m glad you noticed such a difference. Keep it up and focus on God, your husband, and your family. You can’t have true peace while subverting and destroying your home and family.

God blessed us with life and I’m going to do my best not to screw it all up.

Pray for me please and thank you.

I will pray for you. God bless!

 

[VivienneJ]

I am quite concerned and sincerely hope this is not the priest you have spoken about.

I honestly thought getting pregnant would make it end. He was very disappointed when I told him I was pregnant and he stopped contact with me for about a month but since then he has come back in my life and I don’t know he doesn’t seem to care…maybe because I’m not showing yet?

Your time line is a little confusing, but maybe when you posted three weeks ago you had already known you were pregnant for some time.

I don’t think I have strong feeling for him it’s hard to tell and to distinguish my feelings. I like the way he makes me feel and as odd as this sounds he reminds me of my husband but without all the things I don’t like about my husband.

You have posted before that nothing about your husband appeals to you, so the above is indeed odd.

How does your husband feel about this pregnancy? And does he still attack you physically, swear at you, break the door down? Now is the time for both of you to make the changes in yourselves and in your marriage so that you bring this precious new life into a happy environment.

Start acting as if you love your husband dearly and totally respect him - keep doing this until the day you find you do respect and love him. As for this other man, cut all contact with him and whenever you think of him, change those thoughts to loving thoughts of your husband.

 

[Cimachol]

What I mean is this sinful because I know I should give it up entirely…because it’s a sin but I’m giving it up with the intentions of possibly continuing this sin?

I think Lent is a perfect time to look at what might be standing in between you and your relationship with God and make changes.

I am troubled that you say you have the intention of possibly continuing this sin – whatever you may have confessed to the priest would be invalid if your intention at the time was not to sin no more, and to avoid the near occasion of sin.

 

[27lw]

I second what zz912 said!
This guy sounds like a total creep - - who behaves like this with a married (and pregnant) woman! I think you need to get mad at him - - and cut him out of your life! If you don’t have a strong male figure in your life, imagine a stern father or grandfather, and what he would say to this creepy guy.
Maybe there is something lacking your life, and your marriage. This would be a good time to try to come to terms with that.
I think this other guy is a predator - - do you think he is “cheating” on you with other women as well? I wouldn’t be a bit surprised…

 

[HoneyBea]

Thanks everyone like I said this is complicated and a it’s been going on for quite some time I didn’t want to rehash it all out in this post.

I found out I was pregnant on Valentines day and I told him the same day and he hasn’t talked to me until this past Monday hence what prompted me to consider giving him up for lent and write the post. If that’s not exactly a month I apologize for misleading. I just threw that out there as a general time. I didn’t realize exact dates were vital please forgive me. It certainly felt like a month to me because I missed him.

No, it’s not the priest I’m actually really shocked that anyone would think that. Wow!

And yes my husband and I are working on things. Things are better but we still argue a lot and I still have feeling of anger and resentment towards him that cause me to be distant and cold.

What I meant by how he reminds me of my husband without all the bad things is just that…not sure why that is confusing…unless you assume I never loved my husband to begin with. There was a point in time I was madly attracted and in love with my husband hence a relationship ensued…

Thanks for the continued prayers. I really need them.

 

[HoneyBea]

[BIBLEDRB][/BIBLEDRB]

If you have to hide it from your husband, it’s wrong.

Why? Obviously the other man doesn’t respect your marriage and marriage vows. Why would he respect your family and children? He has a selfish interest in you, and doesn’t care the long-term consequences for you if it satisfies his desire.

A true friend is happy when their friend receives a blessing. Especially a great blessing of a child. The fact that he was disappointed in your blessing tells you all you need to know about him and your “relationship”.

Predators prey on this. And it isn’t magical. The reason you don’t have those issues with the other man is because you don’t have to pay a mortgage with him, or pay bills, or deal with annoying habits, or deal with in-laws, or any of 100 other things that come in marriage. ALL you get with him is sunshine, unicorns and rainbows. He’s all fun, with no responsibility. But I can ASSURE you, that if you were in a relationship or marriage with this other man, you would have ALL those issues or different ones. EVERYONE has problems/baggage/issues. But because you aren’t experiencing this issues and problems with this man, you are comparing your husband unfairly against Mr. Unicorns. Of course your husband comes off looking bad, b/c you and he have to deal with reality, not fantasy.

Giving attention to this man instead of your husband only fuels the impossible dream that your husband gets compared to. You resent your husband because he comes with real-world issues and responsibilities.

Time to take a leap of faith, and cut the other man loose.

Good. The longer you hold to these things, the more you open yourself to being vulnerable to predators. The devil feeds on our weaknesses, and when we hold onto our weaknesses instead of bringing them to God, we give the devil an opening to tempt us.

No, time isn’t running out. Don’t put a false deadline on yourself, your husband and family. Constantly work, pray, and give selflessly to your husband, now and after the baby is here. It will be hard, but the more you do it, the easier it becomes. It is similar to exercise, the first few times are hard and hurt. But it is worth it.

I’m glad you noticed such a difference. Keep it up and focus on God, your husband, and your family. You can’t have true peace while subverting and destroying your home and family.

I will pray for you. God bless!

Thank you! Excellent advice I especially liked what you said about time is not running out…we will always be working and growing.

 

[bben15]

You obligations to your husband do not stop during Lent. You took vows at your marriage, and those vows apply all the time. You are pregnant with your husband’s child. You have a responsibility.

You need to give up the other man, as it is a sin to keep seeing him. You are married, and again, you and your husband belong to each other. Giving him up is not just a Lenten thing, it is a a forever thing. You need to stop seeing him.

I would suggest that you and your husband become closer for this year’s Lent. It can immensely help release your attachment to this other man.

 

[Mary_Ellen]

HoneyBea,

I’ve been there: addicted to a guy who, for various reasons was sinfully unavailable to me. He pursued me and I craved the attention. It took a complete conversion on my part, a real turning to God and away from sin, to get over him. The last time he came to my door I told him, with the chain on the door, that I had returned to God, and the Church, and that we were over for good and that he was never to come back. I must have made an impression because I’ve never seen him since that day.

I will pray for you, that you too will have the strength to turn away from sin and turn to God, returning to a chaste life with your husband. Be consistent in not taking calls from this other man, starting with the 40 days of Lent and continuing after that. Tell him “No” firmly and succinctly and tell yourself “No” as well. Say the Rosary or Chaplet of Mercy when you are tempted, and choose a short but powerful prayer for those times if or when he calls or you see him, such as the St. Michael prayer. Frequent the Sacrament of Reconciliation, not just for the sin of associating with this other man but also for the temptation to associate with him and not your husband.

May God give you peace.

 

[HoneyBea]

HoneyBea,

I’ve been there: addicted to a guy who, for various reasons was sinfully unavailable to me. He pursued me and I craved the attention. It took a complete conversion on my part, a real turning to God and away from sin, to get over him. The last time he came to my door I told him, with the chain on the door, that I had returned to God, and the Church, and that we were over for good and that he was never to come back. I must have made an impression because I’ve never seen him since that day.

I will pray for you, that you too will have the strength to turn away from sin and turn to God, returning to a chaste life with your husband. Be consistent in not taking calls from this other man, starting with the 40 days of Lent and continuing after that. Tell him “No” firmly and succinctly and tell yourself “No” as well. Say the Rosary or Chaplet of Mercy when you are tempted, and choose a short but powerful prayer for those times if or when he calls or you see him, such as the St. Michael prayer. Frequent the Sacrament of Reconciliation, not just for the sin of associating with this other man but also for the temptation to associate with him and not your husband.

May God give you peace.

Thank you : )

 

[otjm]

So I don’t feel like getting into…I’ve posted about this issue before, but there is this guy and well he’s in my life when he shouldn’t be ( I’m married). Anyways I try to get away from him but it’s complicated and I’ve been doing pretty good lately especially since I found out I’m pregnant I thought it would for sure scare him off and it did for awhile but now well …he’s still in my life…I’ve confessed about him to my priest and he tells me I’m addicted to his attention. This may be true but I always pray for the desire to go away…when in reality I don’t want it to.

Ok anyways my question is…I’m thinking about giving him up for lent. Is this making a mockery of lent? Because technically I should be giving him up for good not just lent. My thinking is that I am having such a hard time letting him go but doing it for God to offer it up to him for lent would be very motivating and very hard at the same time. I don’t know what will happen after lent I may be counting down the days but I feel like this may be worth a shot.

Would this be wrong of me to this and give him up when I have no desire to do it?

It is not the least bit complicated.

You are making choices. That is not complicated at all.

And if you think your husband does not have any clue, odds are you are as wrong about that as you are about the other choices you are making.

On top of which, you are bringing a child into the world; and a child has an absolute moral right to have both of their parents raising them… That will never be accomplished if the two of you end up divorced - which is what normally happens with adultery entering into the marriage.

You need to reconsider what your word means - since you gave it in public to the man you call your husband. If your word does not mean much - and by your own admission it does not, since you promised fidelity to him - then you need to determine that you will renew your vows - your word - and actually keep it.

And you might think, for a moment, about this Lothario of yours. He knows you have a husband, and he obviously has a) no respect for your husband, and b) no respect for marriage vows. If your husband leaves you, you will be left with a guy who cheated with you on your husband; only a fool would think he would not cheat on you. And please, spare me the “He loves me” and go read what St Paul said love is. Love is not hormones, it is choice. And that choice is wanting what is best for the other person. Since he is coming around sniffing on your trail and you are pregnant, he obviously does not want what is best for you, your child, or your husband. Only a blind fool would insist other wise.

Oxytocin is released both in breast feeding and in orgasm; it is God’s humorous way of binding us to another person (and new mothers need it to bind them to a squalling, puking, pooping, demanding infant). It has been called the “dumb hormone”, or more graphically, the one that keeps people, who have been sleeping with a non-spouse, coming back together like dogs to vomit. That is a fairly gross comment, but it also hits directly home; they keep coming back to a “relationship” that is anything but. The “relationship” is most definitely not one based on what St Paul tells us love is.

Sorry - I am blunt. You need a good dose of reality therapy. You are getting into arguments with your husband? Read my paragraph above; if you think he has no clue as to your philandering, why do you think you are both fighting so much?

And by the way, you talk about the things you do not like about your husband.

Have you ever stopped to think there might be things your husband does not like about you? Like, maybe, just for instance, your cheating on him?

 

[HoneyBea]

It is not the least bit complicated.

You are making choices. That is not complicated at all.

And if you think your husband does not have any clue, odds are you are as wrong about that as you are about the other choices you are making.

On top of which, you are bringing a child into the world; and a child has an absolute moral right to have both of their parents raising them… That will never be accomplished if the two of you end up divorced - which is what normally happens with adultery entering into the marriage.

You need to reconsider what your word means - since you gave it in public to the man you call your husband. If your word does not mean much - and by your own admission it does not, since you promised fidelity to him - then you need to determine that you will renew your vows - your word - and actually keep it.

And you might think, for a moment, about this Lothario of yours. He knows you have a husband, and he obviously has a) no respect for your husband, and b) no respect for marriage vows. If your husband leaves you, you will be left with a guy who cheated with you on your husband; only a fool would think he would not cheat on you. And please, spare me the “He loves me” and go read what St Paul said love is. Love is not hormones, it is choice. And that choice is wanting what is best for the other person. Since he is coming around sniffing on your trail and you are pregnant, he obviously does not want what is best for you, your child, or your husband. Only a blind fool would insist other wise.

Oxytocin is released both in breast feeding and in orgasm; it is God’s humorous way of binding us to another person (and new mothers need it to bind them to a squalling, puking, pooping, demanding infant). It has been called the “dumb hormone”, or more graphically, the one that keeps people, who have been sleeping with a non-spouse, coming back together like dogs to vomit. That is a fairly gross comment, but it also hits directly home; they keep coming back to a “relationship” that is anything but. The “relationship” is most definitely not one based on what St Paul tells us love is.

Sorry - I am blunt. You need a good dose of reality therapy. You are getting into arguments with your husband? Read my paragraph above; if you think he has no clue as to your philandering, why do you think you are both fighting so much?

And by the way, you talk about the things you do not like about your husband.

Have you ever stopped to think there might be things your husband does not like about you? Like, maybe, just for instance, your cheating on him?

While I do think emotional infidelity is sinful, I do want to clarify that I have not had sex with this other man. Why he stays around is beyond me, because I’m not giving him what he wants. I think that’s why I allowed it to go on for so long. Somewhere along the way I convinced myself it was not cheating, but I know better and the relationship has been damaging to my marriage.

 

[Cimachol]

… but I know better and the relationship has been damaging to my marriage.

What more could you possibly need to know?

 

[houston1]

So I don’t feel like getting into…I’ve posted about this issue before, but there is this guy and well he’s in my life when he shouldn’t be ( I’m married). Anyways I try to get away from him but it’s complicated and I’ve been doing pretty good lately especially since I found out I’m pregnant I thought it would for sure scare him off and it did for awhile but now well …he’s still in my life…I’ve confessed about him to my priest and he tells me I’m addicted to his attention. This may be true but I always pray for the desire to go away…when in reality I don’t want it to.

Ok anyways my question is…I’m thinking about giving him up for lent. Is this making a mockery of lent? Because technically I should be giving him up for good not just lent. My thinking is that I am having such a hard time letting him go but doing it for God to offer it up to him for lent would be very motivating and very hard at the same time. I don’t know what will happen after lent I may be counting down the days but I feel like this may be worth a shot.

Would this be wrong of me to this and give him up when I have no desire to do it?

Honeybea,

My view may be a little different from the views of others. First, this in not a mockery. You have identified something problematic for you and are desiring God’s help in overcoming this problem. How could that be a mockery? This Lenten resolve is your attempt to turn to God for help. Very good. Lent is a time to “clean house.”

Your priest has probably identified that you have some sort of attachment to this man. And, you probably suspect this yourself because you are sensing something isn’t right about the relationship. If it were me, I would consider doing the following as an alternative to just terminating the relationship completely. My suggestions are based on the premise that this other gentleman is not “bad news” i.e., that he has low moral values and puts you in situations that are occasions of sin (particularly of a sexual nature). If he is “bad news”, I would terminate the relationship without further consideration - lent or no lent.

1. Consider adding the prayer of the rosary for the intention of this man and pray it daily for him and that God will make your relationship with this man no longer disordered but a healthy and holy friendship.
2. Consider introducing your husband to this man and involve your husband in meetings with this man so that this man really gets the picture that you are a married woman. This will also show that your intentions are pure toward this man for both yourself and your husband. It doesn’t matter how you feel! Let your actions dictate your desire to make this a healthy friendship.
3. If you meet with this man, make sure that it is an appropriate setting, e.g., consider going to daily Mass and invite him to go as well. Or, invite him to church events involving other persons.

I believe that this can be an occasion to allow God to bring good out of evil. We are all called to love our brothers and sisters in Christ. This man is no exception. If you gave him up cold turkey without explanation, this would be unkind. He may be seeking to be loved and accepted just like we all are. So, be Christ to him. God placed him in your life for a reason.

Lastly, do not give up hope. Turn to God and our Blessed Mother in prayer and you will see the amazing things God can do in a circumstance that seems hopeless.

May God bless you. You are in my prayers.

houston1

 

[Cimachol]

1. Consider introducing your husband to this man and involve your husband in meetings with this man so that this man really gets the picture that you are a married woman. This will also show that your intentions are pure toward this man for both yourself and your husband. It doesn’t matter how you feel! Let your actions dictate your desire to make this a healthy friendship.

This could be really dangerous, unless Honeybea can be sure that her husband won’t feel threatened or betrayed by the fact that she has been keeping a secret friendship with this guy all this time. In my mind, “forsaking all others” doesn’t just mean not having physical affairs, but also means avoiding relationships with people who are likely to have a negative impact on my marriage.

 

[houston1]

This could be really dangerous, unless Honeybea can be sure that her husband won’t feel threatened or betrayed by the fact that she has been keeping a secret friendship with this guy all this time. In my mind, “forsaking all others” doesn’t just mean not having physical affairs, but also means avoiding relationships with people who are likely to have a negative impact on my marriage.

Cimachol,

I agree with you if this has been a “secret” friendship that has been ongoing for some time. Only Honeybea knows whether and to the extent she has been devious in this and only she knows how she and her husband might feel with the introduction. Perhaps, prayer may be the best thing in this case and she should break off the relationship especially if she suspects the gentleman has bad intentions.

houston1

 

[HoneyBea]

I’m not telling my husband. Besides my “friend” does not like my husband and my friend definitely wants to be more than just friends. There is much sexual tension. I don’t know how I’ve gone this long resisting his advances…maybe by the grace of God. This “friend” has got to go. This much I know.

 

[UpUpAndAway]

I’m not telling my husband.

In general, I get along better with men than with women. I count many of the male parishioners as my friends, but The Husband knows them all and has befriended many of them as well. If I felt compelled to not tell my other half about a man I knew, inside or outside the parish, that’s the sign for me to stay away from him myself no matter who he is. The fact that you are resolute in your decision not to tell your husband is a clear indication that this friend has no place in your life. I agree with houston, by whose definition this man appears to be “bad news:” terminate your association with him for good. At this point, Lent has nothing to do with it.

…my friend definitely wants to be more than just friends. There is much sexual tension.

Red flag.

Believe me, I understand how enticing a relationship like this can be. But we are married women. We have a responsibility to our husbands that comes second only to our responsibility to the Lord. Whether our marriages are heavenly or otherwise , we are not excused from striving to be the best spouse possible to the one we married. To hide relationships with other people from your husband is disrespectful—to him, to marriage itself, to God, and to you.

God bless, Honeybea. I’m praying for you. :hug3:

 

[houston1]

I’m not telling my husband. Besides my “friend” does not like my husband and my friend definitely wants to be more than just friends. There is much sexual tension. I don’t know how I’ve gone this long resisting his advances…maybe by the grace of God. This “friend” has got to go. This much I know.

Honeybea,

I prayed for you and the gentleman this morning at Mass and in my rosary and DM chaplet intentions. Now, make the resolve and avoid him - no explanation is needed as he has nefarious intentions. No amount of thrill or “adventure” can replace the peace of mind that you would lose, not to mention how you could be putting your soul at great risk. Remember. We never know when our last day will be here on earth.

Take this post as well as other posters as a sign from God to terminate the relationship.

houston1

 

[CatholicRaven]

Perhaps you might tell this man that if he doesn’t leave you alone, you will tell your husband about him (if it’s true that you would/could). Of course, then you’d have to follow through and tell your husband about him if he tries to keep contacting you. But I don’t know your husband, so if that wouldn’t be helpful, or if any of that contradicts what your priest says, then ignore me and go with your priest’s advice.

It might also help if you write down, over a few days, all the things you can think of that you love, admire, and respect about your husband–remember why you married him. Try to recreate some of the good memories from your past with your husband–it doesn’t have to be exact, but if you enjoyed talking walks together, or bowling, or just talking on the front porch swing, try to do those things occasionally again. Or create new good memories with him.

One other thing to try:

1. Make a line down the center of a piece of paper. On the left side, write down the things your husband does that you don’t like.
2. On the right side, write down the ways you respond to each of those things he does.
3. Now comes the hard part. Tear the page in half, and throw away the left side. Look at the list of ways you respond, and think about how those things affect your marriage. Are you really being the best wife you can be? Work on whichever responses need improvement.

The reason this other guy has a hold on you is probably because he’s meeting some emotional need you have. Figure out what it is, and work on finding ways to get that need met in your marriage, or through healthy friendships, volunteering, etc.

One last thing that might help: when you are tempted to contact the “other man,” make it a point to contact your husband in that way, instead. Want to send a text about something funny that happened? Send it to your husband. Want to make a flirty phone call while he’s at work? Make that call to your husband. If it’s not possible to contact him right then, then sit down and write it out as though you’re writing to the fantasy man–but this time, that’s your husband. Basically, you want to put all those good feelings to work in your marriage, not outside of it. Treat your husband the way you would treat the “other man,” and you may find yourself becoming more attracted and closer to your husband. The closer you are to your husband, the less tempting other men become.

HTH! Will for you.