Is Grief An Attachment?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Bubba_Switzler
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
B

Bubba_Switzler

Guest
Is grief an attachmet? A disordered attachment?

Some people grieve for months, even years after the loss of a loved one. There are many stories of one elderly spouse dieing soon after the first has passed away. Are they suffering from attachment?

What can we learn about attachment generally from grief?

“Simply this, it doesn’t matter how significant the attachment, as any attachment will hinder our flight to God.”

integratedcatholiclife.org/2013/01/ask-a-carmelite-attachments/

Whereas:

“A disordered attachment is an emotional dependence on some person, object, or activity. We say emotional dependence, but we could also say psychological dependence. The point here is that my dependence on the object in question is more than what reason would dictate. Reason, for human beings, gives us access to the proper measure of things – the measure in accordance with God’s design.”

spiritualdirection.com/2012/01/23/what-is-an-attachment-what-are-disordered-attachments
 
No, grief is a process. To be “attached” to your spouse such that you grieve deeply after your spouse dies is not an inordinate spiritual attachment or a spiritual fault.

Our Lord wept for Lazarus and wept for Jerusalem. Still, even someone who “feels nothing” when they lose a loved one is not failing spiritually or emotionally. They are coping emotionally in their own way. Those who have suffered a person loss ought to be given emotional support, unless there is a concern that they have chosen a means of coping that is ultimately harming them and preventing them from reaching a place of healing, peace, and a more universal connection to those who are living and those who are dead.
 
Grief is not an attachment - it is a wound.

It is a wound that may heal but will leave a scar.

The loss of a loved one is a horrible thing to go through and yet - far from being something that hinders ones’ relationship with God - the loss and accompanying grief can positively aid in drawing us closer to God.

Undoubtedly grief - like anything else - can be misused - can be disordered. but grief itself is most definitely NOT a disordered attachment. It is a natural and predictable response to the passing on of a loved one.

Do not make it any harder for people experiencing grief by imposing some sort of negativity on it.

Peace
James
 
Good and true answers.
But I suspect the OP is referring to that all consuming grief that some people suffer with. I worked with a woman who was unable to function due to her grief. We even see people come here talking about their insurmountable grief and it’s negative effects on their lives.
I recall where Jesus told Mary Magdalene not to touch him…to not attempt to make him stay because He had to go to heaven.
This might be what she is talking about. Those folks whose grief overwhelms them. Those people need help in their grief, and good spiritual direction.
 
Grief is not a spiritual issue, in the sense of something to be prayed or penanced out of.

It is a reaction of the human psyche, in the same way that pain, fever or swelling is a reaction of the human body.

It comes about from loss, and that loss may not even involve a human death. People grieve when friends move away, for example, or when a loved one is estranged, or when their youth comes to an end, or a life dream is given up, or a body faculty is lost…etc.

Such a loss leaves a hole in the life, which has to heal on its own.

But a spiritual gain can exist, as our LORD said, “Blessed are those who mourn [grieve] for they shall be comforted.”

He enters our life through the holes in it.

ICXC NIKA
 
GEddie said:
Grief is not a spiritual issue, in the sense of something to be prayed or penanced out of.

It is a reaction of the human psyche, in the same way that pain, fever or swelling is a reaction of the human body.

It comes about from loss, and that loss may not even involve a human death. People grieve when friends move away, for example, or when a loved one is estranged, or when their youth comes to an end, or a life dream is given up, or a body faculty is lost…etc.

Such a loss leaves a hole in the life, which has to heal on its own.

But a spiritual gain can exist, as our LORD said, “Blessed are those who mourn [grieve] for they shall be comforted.”

He enters our life through the holes in it.

ICXC NIKA
Click to expand...
Thank you for this lovely post. Your words are perfect, I think. 🙂
 
Grief is a human emotion rooted in love. And love of our fellow man is a divine command.

Jesus showed his humanity and his divinity at the death of his friend, Lazarus:

John Chapter 11:

33 When Jesus saw her weeping and the Jews who had come with her weeping, he became perturbed and deeply troubled, 34 and said, “Where have you laid him?” They said to him, “Sir, come and see.” 35 And Jesus wept. 36 ***So the Jews said, “See how he loved him.” ***
 
Neofight said:
Grief is a human emotion rooted in love. And love of our fellow man is a divine command.

Jesus showed his humanity and his divinity at the death of his friend, Lazarus:

John Chapter 11:

33 When Jesus saw her weeping and the Jews who had come with her weeping, he became perturbed and deeply troubled, 34 and said, “Where have you laid him?” They said to him, “Sir, come and see.” 35 And Jesus wept. 36 ***So the Jews said, “See how he loved him.” ***
Click to expand...
👍
 
Thanks everyone for all the great responses.

If grief were an attachment it would certainly be most so in the case of “all consuming grief”, e.g. that which results in death.

One might say that grief is the emotional reaction to a loss but that doesn’t really get to my actual question. We might generalize grief to a reaction to loss in general (e.g. a friend moving away, growing older, lost bodily faculty). It might be more precise to say that (extreme) grief is a sign of attachment.
 
I’d say that it can be difficult to tell the difference between grief and depression.

With grief, there should be progress, even if the process is slow, while depression sucks the person in deeper and deeper and won’t let them out. I suspect it’s depression that you are seeing and I would encourage you not to treat it as a moral failing.
 
Bubba_Switzler said:
Thanks everyone for all the great responses.

If grief were an attachment it would certainly be most so in the case of “all consuming grief”, e.g. that which results in death.

One might say that grief is the emotional reaction to a loss but that doesn’t really get to my actual question. We might generalize grief to a reaction to loss in general (e.g. a friend moving away, growing older, lost bodily faculty). It might be more precise to say that (extreme) grief is a sign of attachment.
Click to expand...
It is possible for a pattern of behavior presented as grief to actually be a self-indulgence. That would be less of a matter of grieving and more of a matter of engaging in self-pity. For instance, if someone were to decide “not to cope” in order to avoid duties they are capable of fulfilling: yes, that is possible, and yes, it could be a fault for which the soul would be culpable. I don’t think it is all that common, but it is possible, particularly in a person given to self-pity generally.
 
EasterJoy said:
It is possible for a pattern of behavior presented as grief to actually be a self-indulgence. That would be less of a matter of grieving and more of a matter of engaging in self-pity. For instance, if someone were to decide “not to cope” in order to avoid duties they are capable of fulfilling: yes, that is possible, and yes, it could be a fault for which the soul would be culpable. I don’t think it is all that common, but it is possible, particularly in a person given to self-pity generally.
Click to expand...
Right. If the person isn’t prone to self-pity, I would not assume that it was self-indulgence.
 
Is attachment, or disordered attachment, always an act of self-indulgence?
 
Bubba_Switzler said:
Is attachment, or disordered attachment, always an act of self-indulgence?
Click to expand...
Not necessarily in a conscious way, but yes. The problem with “attachment” isn’t that it is bad to make a connection with God or neighbor or the goods in creation that God has given us. The problem is when the bond takes on a character that is self-centered or self-indulgent. That is why we renounce even some positive goods as a way to do penance. We learn to let go of pleasing ourselves reflexively, and practice freedom from concern with self that can interfere with love of God and neighbor. It isn’t that we shouldn’t take care of ourselves or enjoy the good things in life. It is just that we need to have our priorities straight. Attachment gets in the way of correct priorities.

To have an attachment for our own way is not the same as feeling emotional emptiness or sadness over a loss and not having had the time to cope with it or lacking the skills to cope with it.
 
If Grief were a disordered attachment, how could the the Lord Himself declare, “Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted”. (Mt 5:4)

Just a thought.

Peace
James
 
Bubba_Switzler said:
Is grief an attachmet? A disordered attachment?

Some people grieve for months, even years after the loss of a loved one. There are many stories of one elderly spouse dieing soon after the first has passed away. Are they suffering from attachment?

What can we learn about attachment generally from grief?

“Simply this, it doesn’t matter how significant the attachment, as any attachment will hinder our flight to God.”

integratedcatholiclife.org/2013/01/ask-a-carmelite-attachments/

Whereas:

“A disordered attachment is an emotional dependence on some person, object, or activity. We say emotional dependence, but we could also say psychological dependence. The point here is that my dependence on the object in question is more than what reason would dictate. Reason, for human beings, gives us access to the proper measure of things – the measure in accordance with God’s design.”

spiritualdirection.com/2012/01/23/what-is-an-attachment-what-are-disordered-attachments
Click to expand...
There is a maladaptive state of grief that can occur, in psychology this is termed prolonged grief disorder. It is different than the usual grief.
 
Perhaps the most tragic example of grief is that of Charles Darwin for his daughter Annie:
But it wasn’t his science that destroyed his residual faith; it was the death of his 10-year-old daughter, Annie. Darwin’s alienation from his former faith was driven by bitter personal experience, not cold, scientific analysis, as those who hail him as faith’s nemesis might like to claim.
Click to expand...
telegraph.co.uk/comment/columnists/georgepitcher/3560025/Charles-Darwin-was-not-the-father-of-atheism.html

Unfortunately, this is not unique.

I’m not sure if I’m misusing or misunderstanding the term “attachment” but for me it brings to mind the expectation of benevolence or at least the continuance of the status quo. The grief for the loss of a loved one is a perfect example of this expectation.

St. Ignatius of Loyola said that, “We should not fix our desires on health or sickness, wealth or poverty, success or failure, a long life or a short one.”

It doesn’t mean, I think, that we should not enjoy the company of others or even depend on them while they are here.
 
JRKH said:
If Grief were a disordered attachment, how could the the Lord Himself declare, “Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted”. (Mt 5:4)

Just a thought.

Peace
James
Click to expand...
Is it disordered to go through suffering and curse God? Of course it is. Grief and suffering are not goods in and of themselves, but evils that God in his great mercy and kindness can turn into an* opportunity *for grace. When Our Lord told his disciples “blessed are those who see what you see!” it did not mean that all who laid eyes on him would be equally blessed, and not even that all would believe.
 
Vico said:
There is a maladaptive state of grief that can occur, in psychology this is termed prolonged grief disorder. It is different than the usual grief.
Click to expand...
Yes. Thanks for posting this.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top