Is he clueless?!? Help please

[LorilopezInneed]

My husband and I have been struggling. We even discusses separating again. Since then I think we’ve both been working hard. But he keeps slipping. His issue is he not tuned in to problems in daily life and cold in tough times. We went through therapy. I was told to stop enabling. So it is not going so well. I’m at my wits end. Today is case in point.

Our part time nanny called me and asked if our son could go for an hour of after school care because she was going to be late. I called the teacher and got it situated and then called my husband and told him. He would be home first… From work. So I get a text from my husband at 5:30 telling me he went to the school to pick up our son and discord he had already been picked up. I texted back… Yes. She was only going to be an hour late. So he tells me “I didn’t realize…”. Etc. I let that go. This was 5:30. Then I find out at 7 o’clock he’s still not home. I ask why… He said he had to go to the cleaners and get gas. I asked why he couldn’t have taken our son so we didn’t have to pay for an extra two hours of nanny. He said I didn’t want him to have to sit in traffic. (he’s 6).

I let that go… Then I check my voicemail and discover a vm from my son’s school saying they never received tuition payment and it’s all due on demand because we have lost our monthly option due to lack of payment. This was something I delegated to my husband because he needed to start helping me. Now you see why I have to do everything??

I can’t take anymore?!? Am I overreacting!

 

[Tietjen]

My husband and I have been struggling. We even discusses separating again. Since then I think we’ve both been working hard. But he keeps slipping. His issue is he not tuned in to problems in daily life and cold in tough times. We went through therapy. I was told to stop enabling. So it is not going so well. I’m at my wits end. Today is case in point.

Our part time nanny called me and asked if our son could go for an hour of after school care because she was going to be late. I called the teacher and got it situated and then called my husband and told him. He would be home first… From work. So I get a text from my husband at 5:30 telling me he went to the school to pick up our son and discord he had already been picked up. I texted back… Yes. She was only going to be an hour late. So he tells me “I didn’t realize…”. Etc. I let that go. This was 5:30. Then I find out at 7 o’clock he’s still not home. I ask why… He said he had to go to the cleaners and get gas. I asked why he couldn’t have taken our son so we didn’t have to pay for an extra two hours of nanny. He said I didn’t want him to have to sit in traffic. (he’s 6).

I let that go… Then I check my voicemail and discover a vm from my son’s school saying they never received tuition payment and it’s all due on demand because we have lost our monthly option due to lack of payment. This was something I delegated to my husband because he needed to start helping me. Now you see why I have to do everything??

I can’t take anymore?!? Am I overreacting!

IMHO, what you have described is not that bad. Throughout your post you used phrases like, “I let that go” and yet, I found myself questioning why won’t she “let it go?” It sounds as though your husband is trying and that should things not go exactly the way you expect them to, you get all worked up. If this is becoming such a major issue for you, I’d suggest marriage counseling (either with your parish priest or a counselor). I wouldn’t allow it to drive a wedge between you and your husband. I’ll keep you both in my prayers.

 

[KomradeGabriel]

Hi Lori, I agree with TietJen. It doesn’t seem as though your husband did anything that serious, at least not from what you’ve wrote on your post. Has he been doing anything else? Anything related to infidelity? treating you disrespectfully? Playing mind games? (i.e. making insulting/disparaging remarks then claiming you’re a loony who enjoys complaining. That’s a trademark of abusers) Treating your son aggressively? Those are the type of things that I would consider serious, but I would still hope counseling would help. Good luck!

 

[luvpinsanity]

I think what she is telling us above is only a slice of what she is dealing with.

To the OP, Yes, men are clueless. Since the issue at the school was a one-time thing (hopefully) with the nanny I would let that go. That was just poor communication, and it happens. Can you find a way to work on the communication?

I know for us, my husband calls home about 15 min after getting out of work when he is on the road. He has about an hour drive, so we talk for a bit. Today’s conversation was brief: “I’m stopping at WalMart, do you need anything?” but that way, when he comes home a half hour late I don’t say “WELL, thanks for asking ME!”

Since you both are working it is different and more challenging. What about a checklist or “To-Do” list? I make a “Honey to-do” list on the refridgerator (we have dry-erase to-do lists on the side of the refridgerator) and then if there’s anything important i write it on the dry erase board on the front of the refridgerator.

It is hard to let stuff go, but it is important to be able to work on the real issue. Good luck.

A year ago, my husband was unemployed and I was working. He was in charge of the bills. They never got paid.

 

[LorilopezInneed]

Well this is an example of our typical issues.

However this is prob a result of the drama from the past weekend. My husband and I traveled home for a funeral out of state. We found out that the priest who said the funeral mass had been suspected of molestation. My aunt was concerned about it and my husband said “tell her why YOU are so concerned”. He said this because I too was sexually avused as a teen but I do not and have not shared that. I was horrified that my husband tried to “out” me to my aunt…, who I am not close with.

I think we have some serious issues regarding boundaries. When I confronted him… He said he was “trying to help”.

 

[Tietjen]

To the OP, Yes, men are clueless.

Really? With all due respect, I believe that you may be over generalizing here. But hey… what do I know. I’m male.

 

[Qwestions]

Lori, this past Friday, a friend fell and hit his head. Not a big cut, but the bleeding wouldn’t stop, because he was on Coumadin, a blood thinner, so his co-workers took him to a hospital. The hospital, amazingly, in 2012, couldn’t staunch the bleeding and he bled to death.

So I ask you this: seriously consider all the thoughts that would pass through your mind if you were told your husband had just bled to death. Write down all the things you’d have changed, all the things you’d have wished you’d not said, or wished you HAD said. Go over that list, and then try to make those changes immediately. Include the little surprises that you knew would please him that you didn’t get around to doing.

After a few days of your having made those changes–and it may require biting your tongue or smiling when you’d like to glare–when your husband comments upon the changes in YOU, ask him to write down those same categories if he were to be told that you’d bled to death after a seemingly inconsequential fall.

If you both treat this scenario as though your spouse–whom you promised to love no matter what (in so many words)–is actually going to die on a certain date and you want to make sure you have no regrets on that date, and you both REALLY try to have no regrets, I think you can minimize the level of your problems, if not the number of your problems.

Why don’t you try it? Thoughts, deeds, and prayers are all you’ll be giving up, but you may reap far more through doing them. Best wishes to you both. I’ll keep you in my prayers.

 

[coachdennis]

To the OP, Yes, men are clueless.

I am personally offended by this stereotypical comment that does not nothing to add to discussion at hand.

I wonder how people would respond if someone posted, “Yes, women are chronic complainers” or “yes, women are bimbos”

 

[Patavium]

I recommend posters to look at her previous replies. Her husband, unfortunately, is not very helpful with chores, and Lori always ends up doing everything. I recommend you put this in prayer, Lori. Ask God for help!. Cry out to him!. Tell your Husband, that you need his help to pray together. Pray together even if it is just 2 minutes per day. God bless you both, and may God guide you towards a solution.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I would not give him responsibility for finances, it’s too important and he can play passive-aggressive games which will have serious consequences. If you want your bills paid on time, you have to pay them.

Other things can be given to him, but he needs to buy-in or all you will get are games. Doesn’t your counselor have any advice for you?

 

[The_Bucket]

I think had this not been a long-established pattern, it wouldn’t be a big deal at all. I fully recognize that there are deeper and longer-standing issues at play.

That said, have you noticed improvement? Has he been more responsible than he was in the past? Has he been better at communicating than he was in the past? My point is that he has deeply ingrained patterns and habits. They are not going to disappear overnight and you can’t let it get to you in the least when some of them manifest themselves. He might be putting in a good faith effort. Now if everything reverts to the way it was and remains that way, well then yeah you’ve got a problem.

But consider where you are now and where you were when you started this journey. If there is any improvement, you have to give credit where it’s due and pray that it continues, even if it goes two steps forward, one step back. If there is no progress, well I don’t have any advice for that.

 

[LorilopezInneed]

Doesn’t the info below… Sound unusual?

This past weekend, My husband and I traveled home for a funeral out of state. We found out that the priest who said the funeral mass had been suspected of molestation. My aunt was concerned about it and my husband said “tell her why YOU are so concerned”. He said this because I too was sexually avused as a teen but I do not and have not shared that. I was horrified that my husband tried to “out” me to my aunt…, who I am not close with.

I think we have some serious issues regarding boundaries. When I confronted him… He said he was “trying to help”.

 

[The_Bucket]

Yes. Yes that does sound weird. He also may be genuinely trying to help and have a problem with boundaries. He might not be playing a passive aggressive game and may truly be clueless on this front. You could spend your time blaming him for not having common sense, or you could work together to try and address it.

Like I said, if there’s been no progress and no effort, that’s one thing. But if he’s striving and sometimes falling, that’s another.

 

[Patavium]

Doesn’t the info below… Sound unusual?

This past weekend, My husband and I traveled home for a funeral out of state. We found out that the priest who said the funeral mass had been suspected of molestation. My aunt was concerned about it and my husband said “tell her why YOU are so concerned”. He said this because I too was sexually avused as a teen but I do not and have not shared that. I was horrified that my husband tried to “out” me to my aunt…, who I am not close with.

I think we have some serious issues regarding boundaries. When I confronted him… He said he was “trying to help”.

Yes, I am not married. I am engaged, and I wouldn’t share intimate details of my fiancée unless she allowed me, after all, she confided in me.

It seems that he doesn’t understand that such topic is sensitive to you, and it is not a topic you wish to share with everybody, even certain family members.

I think you both have problem communicating? This communication also includes the responsibility with regards to family matters.

 

[Kit15]

I am personally offended by this stereotypical comment that does not nothing to add to discussion at hand.

The point is that men aren’t mind readers and can’t be expected to know everything unless someone tells them what’s up.

Women are just as clueless.

 

[LorilopezInneed]

That’s the odd part. He did this to me once before. He insisted I tell another family member and when I did… It destroyed my relationship with them because they didn’t believe me. So my husband and I were rely shaken because of his blatant lack of boundaries. Up until that point HE was the only one who knew. We went through therapy and I addressed how much this hurt me. He apologized and then what does he do??? He does it AGAiN. Although this time I did not tell the family member. I protected my boundaries.

I haven’t addressed this with him again. I was just too upset.

Yes. Yes that does sound weird. He also may be genuinely trying to help and have a problem with boundaries. He might not be playing a passive aggressive game and may truly be clueless on this front. You could spend your time blaming him for not having common sense, or you could work together to try and address it.

Like I said, if there’s been no progress and no effort, that’s one thing. But if he’s striving and sometimes falling, that’s another.

 

[The_Bucket]

I don’t want to take sides. It sounds like you both have plenty of issues. He certainly has a lot of growing to do and learning boundaries.

That said, I should note that I am the kind of guy that also pushes my wife to “open up” and not repress anything. She’s dealt with a lot of trauma caused by me, but also some weird incidents when she was a kid. Nothing like you I’m sure, but some relatives that were a bit older than her trying to do a bit more than “playing doctor.” She kept that bottled up for such a long time that she convinced herself it was a dream.

Maybe this is an awkward way of him trying to help you find peace with your past. He needs to learn that he can’t do that. That trying to force someone to confront trauma is only going to result in devastation for all parties involved. That’s 100% true. But the question is whether he’s trying to hurt you or whether he’s just ignorant. I don’t have an answer for that.

 

[LorilopezInneed]

Thanks for the reply. I do believe he’s clueless. That’s the hard part. I feel like I just keeps repeating hurtful mistakes out of ignorance even though he’s a very smart man.

Here’s another question. Maybe I should start a separate thread. When I was forced to tell my other family member (mom) a few years ago… She didn’t believe me. She never quite admitted she did… Ever. Well it nearly caused a complete disassociation. I pleaded for her to stay in my life because I loved her regardless of the pain she caused me.

Well my mom and I hadn’t spoken about the “family friend/rapist” in a long long time. Then out of the blue she called me and told me she ran into him at church. And she said they chatted about how things were in his life and she wanted to make sure to tell me that he asked about me and said “hi” and how happy he was for me in my life successes.

I immediately started crying and told her that I was stunned that she talked to him like nothing had happened and that she even told ME about it?

She said she won’t ignore people or be mean to them and I should learn to forgive.

I haven’t spoken to her since and its breaking my heart. It is so hurtful!

 

[Patavium]

Thanks for the reply. I do believe he’s clueless. That’s the hard part. I feel like I just keeps repeating hurtful mistakes out of ignorance even though he’s a very smart man.

Here’s another question. Maybe I should start a separate thread. When I was forced to tell my other family member (mom) a few years ago… She didn’t believe me. She never quite admitted she did… Ever. Well it nearly caused a complete disassociation. I pleaded for her to stay in my life because I loved her regardless of the pain she caused me.

Well my mom and I hadn’t spoken about the “family friend/rapist” in a long long time. Then out of the blue she called me and told me she ran into him at church. And she said they chatted about how things were in his life and she wanted to make sure to tell me that he asked about me and said “hi” and how happy he was for me in my life successes.

I immediately started crying and told her that I was stunned that she talked to him like nothing had happened and that she even told ME about it?

She said she won’t ignore people or be mean to them and I should learn to forgive.

I haven’t spoken to her since and its breaking my heart. It is so hurtful!

This is indeed hurtful. I hope that your husband becomes more protective of you, and that you may heal from your past. I pray for this.

Lord,

We pray that you send the Paraclete into Lori’s heart, and bless her. Heal her, Lord. May she forgive, and learn to move on with her life. This is a heavy burden that she is carrying. We pray that her husband is protective of her, and that he is helpful as well. Lord, please soften his heart, and let him see that his wife needs him. She needs him to protect her, and needs him to be helpful. Lord also grant patience and peace to Lori’s heart.

Holy Virgin Mary,

We ask for your intercession in favor of Lori and her husband. Pray for Lori’s husband, and Lori’s heart. That the Lord may heal her, and help her move on. Pray for Lori’s husband that he may be more appreciative and loving towards his wife. Pray that they may communicate effectively.

Lastly, We ask the Lord to bring closer to Him both Lori and her husband, and put God as their first love above all, and remember that we are here to serve, not be served. We have a cross, we must carry, and indeed we can carry it, because You Lord carried the heaviest cross that will ever be. The cross of all our sins.

We ask these intentions to our Lord, Jesus Christ through the intercession of the Holy Virgin Mary, and the Saints, Pray for us.

Amen

 

[The_Bucket]

Thanks for the reply. I do believe he’s clueless. That’s the hard part. I feel like I just keeps repeating hurtful mistakes out of ignorance even though he’s a very smart man.

My wife is a very smart woman. She is also hopelessly disorganized. This is not her fault as she has ADD. But it still bugs the heck out of me that I have to do the bulk of the cleaning around the house. She does the deep cleaning stuff but I have to do nearly all of the picking up. And the laundry. It’s incredibly frustrating, especially since she constantly says she’ll get on it and never does. I have to learn to let it go. Of course, this is a much more minor situation than what you’re dealing with, but the lessons are similar.

Here’s another question. Maybe I should start a separate thread. When I was forced to tell my other family member (mom) a few years ago… She didn’t believe me. She never quite admitted she did… Ever. Well it nearly caused a complete disassociation. I pleaded for her to stay in my life because I loved her regardless of the pain she caused me.

Well my mom and I hadn’t spoken about the “family friend/rapist” in a long long time. Then out of the blue she called me and told me she ran into him at church. And she said they chatted about how things were in his life and she wanted to make sure to tell me that he asked about me and said “hi” and how happy he was for me in my life successes.

I immediately started crying and told her that I was stunned that she talked to him like nothing had happened and that she even told ME about it?

She said she won’t ignore people or be mean to them and I should learn to forgive.

I haven’t spoken to her since and its breaking my heart. It is so hurtful!

Look, quite frankly I think you’re projecting some of this pain onto your husband. I know, it’s a jerk thing to say but it seems like it’s there. He’s awkwardly trying to get you to address it, to face it head on, to make your family know that you HURT and that you have a reason to hurt. I think he’s going about it in a wrong-headed fashion. But I also think that you need to deal with boundaries with your family members. Your mother kindly chatting up a rapist and telling you about it is all kinds of messed up. Has your husband ever done anything like that? I doubt it. He’s just doing a very poor job of trying to get you to break through with your family. I think he needs to stop that. I think you need to either have it out with your family about this guy and lay it all on the line or simply break off contact.

They’re the ones hurting you more by denying that this ever happened. They’re hurting you more than a husband who lacks common sense and is an airhead. Yes, the bills need to get paid on time but I daresay close relatives insisting that you invented a rape is far worse than what he’s doing.

No, he’s not helping the way he needs to. Yes, he’s got plenty of things to sort out on his end. But is there not a bit of a kernel of truth that all of your emotional distress over your past is being projected onto him when he never actually hurt you in such a severe fashion? Your family members insisting that you made it up are the ones hurting you.