Is healthy dating experience necessary before contemplating religious life?

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Scoobyshme said:
I have a first cousin who’s a Dominican nun at St. Cecelia’s in Nashville, TN. I couldn’t recommend them more highly! Their job is to make Saints. They follow the original charism of the order, wear traditional habits, and live in cloister when they’re not teaching. (They mostly teach school during the year.)

I was up there for three days when she took her final vows. There were, at that time, about 150 of them at the convent. For the entire 3 days, I NEVER saw anything but a bright, beaming smile on ANY of their faces! They were the happiest group of women I’ve ever seen in my life!

They teach the young girls to be nuns, mostly by example. You get two habits (one to wear, one to wash), no makeup, etc. You are assigned a particular seat in the dining hall, and are expected to eat everything on your plate. You are assigned a bed, with curtains around it for privacy. And you are assigned tasks when not teaching (cleaning, cooking, gardening, etc.). I remember one nun who had been a principal at one of the schools they worked with for about 15 years in a row (they get assignments each year). The next year, her assignment was to work in the kitchen. And she was completely happy with that. No ego problems, just humility.

I also recall walking on the grounds (beautiful, on top of a hill in Nashville, with big oak trees, sidewalks, etc.), and one of the nuns whizzed by, jogging, in her complete habit! She did have tennis shoes on, though. 🙂 I also saw one sitting on a tractor mowing the grass!

The building (the convent) was a pre-Civil war hospital. Goregous! 18’ ceilings, etc.!

Anyway, you can check 'em out here:

youtu.be/sW8A9uvSjSg

youtu.be/uFFiNRvXBQw

youtu.be/UDcC5NaKnAY
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I have heard of them! They are so beautiful… I am also very fond of the Sisters of Life and the Sisters of Mary Mother of the Eucharist. All 3 are beautiful orders of young and vibrant sisters! It is just wonderful. My associate pastor also just got me interested in the Benedictines of Mary, Queen of Apostles. They have an advent CD out right now that is at the top of the charts! They chant and sing so beautifully and they make amazing hand-made vestments. Their apostolate is to continually pray for our priests. They also have a number of young sisters and are just an amazing gift from God!
 
To be honest, I think unless you are 100% sure that you can commit to life as a priest or religious person, than you should at least try to have some dating experience. I think that sometimes people, including myself think that since they are single or haven’t been in a relationship than the priesthood is the only option, but people need to pray and look at what they are getting into. What would happen if for example you entered the priesthood after college got ordained at 28, but you just happen to meet an amazing single woman at 30? Its not exactly easy to leave your vows, and hopefully you wouldn’t risk sinning. Even then though your mind would be too distracted, since a priest should focus on looking after his parish
 
Rissa,

Thank you for asking such a thought-provoking question. I am impressed that you continue to be so fascinated by this topic. Here are my 2 cents:


  1. *]It is possible to discern a vocation to consecrated life even without dating, or with only or mostly negative dating experiences.
    *]These negative experiences alone are not enough to mean you have a vocation to celibacy for the Kingdom
    *]These experiences may be an opening for God to suggest religious life to you
    *]The single most important thing you can do to discern your vocation is to live out as much of God’s will as you already know (but aren’t doing yet)

    That includes: daily prayer with Scripture or another spiritual book, Mass at least every week, Confession at least every month, living healthy relationships with friends and family, avoiding dating while discerning, getting rid of sins, vices, attachments, building virtues, etc.

    I hope this helps you on your way.

    God bless,

    Fr. Scott, AVI
    Apostles of the Interior Life
 
skallal said:
Rissa,

Thank you for asking such a thought-provoking question. I am impressed that you continue to be so fascinated by this topic. Here are my 2 cents:


  1. *]It is possible to discern a vocation to consecrated life even without dating, or with only or mostly negative dating experiences.
    *]These negative experiences alone are not enough to mean you have a vocation to celibacy for the Kingdom
    *]These experiences may be an opening for God to suggest religious life to you
    *]The single most important thing you can do to discern your vocation is to live out as much of God’s will as you already know (but aren’t doing yet)

    That includes: daily prayer with Scripture or another spiritual book, Mass at least every week, Confession at least every month, living healthy relationships with friends and family, avoiding dating while discerning, getting rid of sins, vices, attachments, building virtues, etc.

    I hope this helps you on your way.

    God bless,

    Fr. Scott, AVI
    Apostles of the Interior Life
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  1. Thanks so much for your serious and non-judgmental reply! I am very much interested in this topic because, for some reason, the priest in my parish feels very strongly that I should discern the religious life. I know everybody is supposed to consider it in one way or another, but he keeps on telling me “before you date anybody and go off and get married, make sure you at least make a discernment retreat to ________ order of religious sisters…” He is always making suggestions to me of particular orders that he thinks I would fit well with and he makes jokes like, “well, when you join your order…” He is partly joking because both the priests in my parish know that I have a fascination with the religious life and I always try to get to know religious sisters if I can meet them. But he has also told me that he honestly thinks I might have a religious vocation, but that I have to discern it for myself.

    So… Even though it kind of scares me, I have been trying to discern it… I thought I had discerned out of the idea for a while, but every time I feel able to dismiss the idea in my mind it inevitably comes back with a vengeance. It is like this nagging thought that I can’t get rid of. And I am willing to do anything the Lord is calling me to, even if it is hard… But I want to be sure that the Lord is really calling me and I just feel so very confused right now. There are lots of things I would like about it, but there are also a lot of things that I think I would need a lot of grace in order to live out a religious vocation faithfully.

    One thing that is a hindrance to me is the fact that I am a convert. One order that I am interested in told me that I should try to put the thought of discernment out of my mind until I have been in the Church for at least 2-3 years. I just don’t see how that is possible… I am not asking to apply to the order. I know I must wait at least 2 or 3 years for that. But to not even discern seems impossible to me since I don’t feel like the desire to discern has really come from within me by my own doing. I cannot simply just stop thinking about it. I have tried. I just came into the Church this past Easter, but if I could tell you my story it was the most amazing experience of my life in spite of being tested in every possible way throughout my conversion. It was my most difficult year personally, but my most wonderful year spiritually! I have been thoroughly changed by the truths I have come to in the Church… My love for and desire to serve God in his Church is not a novelty of conversion–I know that. It feels much different than the thrill of a new experience, which really doesn’t usually last even this long for me when that happens anyway. I am completely changed from who I used to be. I am almost always thinking about the Church and how to please God and live out my life within the Church. When I wake up in the morning, the first thought on my mind is of the Church. When I lay down at night, I am thinking about it too… When I get busy at work, I am very focused on my work but as soon as I get a moment for my mind to wander I am back to thinking about God’s great love in his Church and in the Sacraments. I just cannot get enough of it! I am happiest when I am at Mass or praying before the tabernacle. And I have been caught up in the hype of a new church before… When I was exploring churches, I thought I had found the right one for a while (until I became unsettled by their lack of consistent doctrine) and I quickly became very interested in the life of that church, but I also became complacent very quickly and soon got to a place where that church did not make a big difference in my life. I never had this experience of literally not being able to remove the thoughts from my mind. In the Catholic Church, I just know that heaven and earth come together in the Mass and that Jesus truly works in the Sacraments and that this relationship with him in his Church is one that I will continually work on and will never be able to grow tired of or too comfortable therein.

    Anyway… I would like to ask one thing. Why should I not date if I am discerning? Some people have told me that, but then others have told me I should date because I need to discern both ways of life. I have been told that dating is ok so long as the person I am dating knows that I may be still discerning the religious life. I know there comes a point where you should definitely stop dating if you feel compelled to come forward and actively pursue the religious vocation, but up until the point where you have come to that conclusion in your mind I have been told all kinds of different things on why or why not dating is or is not a good idea… So what are your reasons for advising against it?
 
i think a proper vocation is the wanting to serve yoru community and church and parish in a christ like manner, you have a calling because you feel you can do so and this is irrelevant to your urges and dating expierences etc. We are all called to chastity untill marriage anyways, you can be unmarried and living chaste and not have a vocaton or caling to mnister… its about your desire and callign to minister
 
I think one of the reasons why the religious orders want you to be Catholic for a couple of years before joining their orders is because they know it takes time to adjust into the life as a Catholic. The first year or so is what I call the honeymoon stage of the experience. Everything is so new and one is really excited about their home. I am also a convert and as much as I enjoyed being a Catholic, I also had a lot to learn in terms of living the Catholic life for example, now as Catholics, we can celebrate in all of the sacraments for example, over time confession grows on one and it takes some time to learn when one should go. I have learned a great deal during the couple of years I have been a Catholic. That said, I also know I have a great amount more to learn. Therefore in your case, when they say you should take a year or two to discern more deeply, they are simply asking you to return to them after the honeymoon phase of your conversion experience has passed and see where God is leading. Becoming Catholic is a big step in terms of life altering decisions. Joining a religious order is another big step therefore they want you to be comfortable inside your new home before you take that next step. As you know, it’s important to date someone before you marry them, joining a religious order is like that. They don’t want you to jump too quickly into something you may not be spiritually ready for.

When it comes to dating, I think the reason why it is encouraged is because marriage is also a vocation and the orders want to ensure that your vocation isn’t the human marriage. That said, I don’t think you should go on dates for the sake of going on dates but if you meet a nice fellow, the orders want you to have that freedom to say yes, go out and see what happens. Somewhere you mentioned you’ve had a series of bad experiences with guys, by going out on a few dates with some nice guys, you can also see what it feels like to be in a happy relationship and see where God is leading. I know of a nun who was engaged to be married when she felt the calling. She had a big decision to make and in the end, she chose marriage with God.

As you discern, who is to say, you can’t visit the orders, nor spend some time with them. I know some religious orders have open houses, weekends that are dedicated for those who are considering their order. You can also date and see what happens. Another thing, I strongly encourage is that: you join some type young adult groups such as “singles for Christ” (it is run through couples for Christ. They are an international organization) is a big one or any type of young adult or student group such as a student Catholic association ran through a university, college. The Newman centres are also wonderful to join. These are great places to belong to because you get to meet and engage with other young people who are also discerning the same thing as you because they will be discerning marriage, singlehood or religious life. It is also a good idea to get involved with your parish and see a spiritual director on regular basis.

Discernment takes time and one never knows where God will lead you. If you feel God is calling you to religious life now, if that is truly where you are meant to be, in two years, God will make it happen.
 
Anyway… I would like to ask one thing. Why should I not date if I am discerning? Some people have told me that, but then others have told me I should date because I need to discern both ways of life. I have been told that dating is ok so long as the person I am dating knows that I may be still discerning the religious life. I know there comes a point where you should definitely stop dating if you feel compelled to come forward and actively pursue the religious vocation, but up until the point where you have come to that conclusion in your mind I have been told all kinds of different things on why or why not dating is or is not a good idea… So what are your reasons for advising against it?

Hi Rissa,

Great question! I think many young people have this question, and very few people know why it’s a bad idea to date while discerning which state of life you’re called to. Here’s the deal, discernment has two parts:

    • General Discernment: discerning your state of life, marriage or consecration
    • Specific Discernment: discerning who specifically you’re called to marry or where specifically you are called to consecrate your life
    During general discernment there are 2 keys: prayer and interior freedom. I get the impression that you are already a woman of prayer. That means, the only thing stopping you from knowing God’s will is freedom of heart, or the ability to say “Whatever you want God, I’ll do it. You want me married, awesome. You want me consecrated, fantastic.”

    The truth is we’re all called to marriage “by nature,” by the very fact that God created us male and female. Even pagans, atheists, etc. get married. The question is: beyond this natural inclination to marriage, is there anything else that is calling you “supernaturally” to give your life directly to God? Here are some of the signs that God may be calling you:
    • Heroic spirit: someone who wants to do something great with his/her life
    • **dissatisfaction **when you think about marriage or even experience a healthy dating relationship
    • deep, satisfying prayer
    • spiritual sensitivity to things like incense, chant, sound philosophy and theology, Scripture, Church Fathers, adoration, confession, Mass, etc.
    • great love for apostolate, especially spiritual apostolate
    • **attraction **to a concrete form of consecration and lasting peace while living out such a lifestyle
    If you answered yes to more than one of these, and especially the last one, then you should check out consecration before pursuing any dating relationships. One final note: it’s often unfair to the person you’re dating if you haven’t discerned marriage yet. I know many young men and women who have been hurt because they dated someone who hadn’t properly discerned and then had to break up.

    God bless,

    Fr. Scott, AVI
    Apostles of the Interior Life
 
SecretGarden said:
I think one of the reasons why the religious orders want you to be Catholic for a couple of years before joining their orders is because they know it takes time to adjust into the life as a Catholic. The first year or so is what I call the honeymoon stage of the experience. Everything is so new and one is really excited about their home. I am also a convert and as much as I enjoyed being a Catholic, I also had a lot to learn in terms of living the Catholic life for example, now as Catholics, we can celebrate in all of the sacraments for example, over time confession grows on one and it takes some time to learn when one should go. I have learned a great deal during the couple of years I have been a Catholic. That said, I also know I have a great amount more to learn. Therefore in your case, when they say you should take a year or two to discern more deeply, they are simply asking you to return to them after the honeymoon phase of your conversion experience has passed and see where God is leading. Becoming Catholic is a big step in terms of life altering decisions. Joining a religious order is another big step therefore they want you to be comfortable inside your new home before you take that next step. As you know, it’s important to date someone before you marry them, joining a religious order is like that. They don’t want you to jump too quickly into something you may not be spiritually ready for.

When it comes to dating, I think the reason why it is encouraged is because marriage is also a vocation and the orders want to ensure that your vocation isn’t the human marriage. That said, I don’t think you should go on dates for the sake of going on dates but if you meet a nice fellow, the orders want you to have that freedom to say yes, go out and see what happens. Somewhere you mentioned you’ve had a series of bad experiences with guys, by going out on a few dates with some nice guys, you can also see what it feels like to be in a happy relationship and see where God is leading. I know of a nun who was engaged to be married when she felt the calling. She had a big decision to make and in the end, she chose marriage with God.

As you discern, who is to say, you can’t visit the orders, nor spend some time with them. I know some religious orders have open houses, weekends that are dedicated for those who are considering their order. You can also date and see what happens. Another thing, I strongly encourage is that: you join some type young adult groups such as “singles for Christ” (it is run through couples for Christ. They are an international organization) is a big one or any type of young adult or student group such as a student Catholic association ran through a university, college. The Newman centres are also wonderful to join. These are great places to belong to because you get to meet and engage with other young people who are also discerning the same thing as you because they will be discerning marriage, singlehood or religious life. It is also a good idea to get involved with your parish and see a spiritual director on regular basis.

Discernment takes time and one never knows where God will lead you. If you feel God is calling you to religious life now, if that is truly where you are meant to be, in two years, God will make it happen.
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I think you are misunderstanding what I was saying… I never had any intention of trying to pursue religious life anytime soon. But I have been discouraged by some telling me not to even discern within myself until I have been in the Church for at least X number of years… That I should just focus on living a good Catholic life and not worry about discernment of vocation yet. But this is very frustrating because I feel naturally inclined to discern this. In other words, I cannot help but to discern it. I feel like God has placed it on my heart to consider. And I have told him countless times that I will do ANYTHING he wants me to if he will only make it clear that it is from him… But it is difficult for me to discern if this desire for the religious life is coming from him when people around me are constantly telling me push away any thoughts of discernment. I understand and value the importance in waiting a while into my faith journey to actually enter religious life (if that is where this leads). On the other hand, I can’t see the sense in avoiding discernment in the meantime. Nobody would take issue with me if I began to date someone, which is presumably a precursor to the vocation of marriage. But somehow it is wrong for me to consider the notion that it could be God who wants to court me? I don’t know… It just doesn’t make sense to me why people act like it’s no big deal when people date and marry at any point in life, but discernment of a religious vocation is off limits at certain times… Both are vocations from God and deserve equal consideration, in my opinion…
 
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