Is husband condemning himself?

[7xTu]

This is a hypothetical question on marriage and ethics.
Hypothetically speaking, what if a husband cheated by going to massage parlors several times (but did not have oral sex or intercourse) but did everything else that was immoral and inappropriate because his w was ignoring him sxually… and he stopped. Confessed it to God. Then went to confession and confessed it. He stopped.

Then he finds out his w was sending male bss loving emails…

he got very very jelous and it just tormented him. He wants to forgive but it comes back to bother him…

Is he heaping commendation upon himself? Or is he just being human and jealous and since he stopped doing what he did he is okay…

How does he handle it and forgive?

 

[MJJean]

Therapy. He and his wife go to therapy, confess to each other their betrayals, and work toward fixing whatever issues caused those betrayals in the first place so that they can rebuild trust and forgive. Just my $.02

 

[7xTu]

Therapy. He and his wife go to therapy, confess to each other their betrayals, and work toward fixing whatever issues caused those betrayals in the first place so that they can rebuild trust and forgive. Just my $.02

Good advice. But, hypothetically speaking, the husband could never confess what extent he betrayed his wife. He would just be too ashamed. Yet, he wants full disclosure from wife.

 

[MJJean]

Good advice. But, hypothetically speaking, the husband could never confess what extent he betrayed his wife. He would just be too ashamed. Yet, he wants full disclosure from wife.

Sin has spiritual and corporeal consequences. The husband has confessed, presumably repented, and has gotten square with God. Perhaps confessing to the wife in the face of shame and fear, showing repentance, and working to build trust is the physical world consequence.

My belief is that until a couple can openly and honestly deal with their betrayals and the reasons that lead to those betrayals there cannot be forgiveness, trust, and true union. How can one ask for full disclosure without being willing to give full disclosure?

Besides, we have our instincts. It’s entirely possible the wife has had some suspicion that there was something going on with her husband. Maybe she’s waiting for him to come clean so they can work it out.

 

[seagal]

Good advice. But, hypothetically speaking, the husband could never confess what extent he betrayed his wife. He would just be too ashamed. Yet, he wants full disclosure from wife.

Wanting full disclosure from his wife is metaphorically picking at a scab. Picking a scab keeps the wound open and it’s much slower to heal. It’s not necessary for him to know every little detail in order to forgive. The way to get through it, as MJJean said, is therapy. Also, keep forgiving. Forgiveness is a process, not a one-step deal. Every time you think about it, tell yourself you forgive her.

 

[ClearWater]

This is a hypothetical question on marriage and ethics.
Hypothetically speaking, what if a husband cheated by going to massage parlors several times (but did not have oral sex or intercourse) but did everything else that was immoral and inappropriate because his w was ignoring him sxually… and he stopped. Confessed it to God. Then went to confession and confessed it. He stopped.

Then he finds out his w was sending male bss loving emails…

he got very very jelous and it just tormented him. He wants to forgive but it comes back to bother him…

Is he heaping commendation upon himself? Or is he just being human and jealous and since he stopped doing what he did he is okay…

How does he handle it and forgive?

The hypothetical couple would need marriage counseling, since not one, but both, had been unfaithful. There would be major underlying problems as to why both partners found it necessary to seek satisfaction outside the relationship.

As to forgiveness, he would need to realize he was also unfaithful. If he doesn’t forgive, neither will he be forgiven.

 

[1ke]

This is obviously **not **hypothetical.

You both need counseling.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Is the theological question here is can one be hurt by sin when one has sinned and repented?

 

[pianistclare]

The husband needs to have a serious talk with his spouse to say :

1. he’s sorry. He’s truly sorry
2. He’s made mistakes and doesn’t want any more “mistakes” in the marriage
3. He vows to change his ways
4. He knows she is sending these emails
5. He wants to repair the marriage and will do whatever it takes
6. Remind her that it’s not about getting even or keeping score. It’s about repairing the marriage.
7. that the 2 need to seek counseling with a priest or marriage counselor and they both need to be honest.
8. That both need to pray for healing and guidance.
9. That both need to make a commitment to repair the marriage by whatever it takes on both sides.

 

[Xantippe]

It would be pretty much unforgivable to give a spouse the third degree about being emotionally inappropriate when one has oneself been repeatedly physically unfaithful, while at the same time not telling the spouse about the physical unfaithfulness. That’s the sort of hypocrisy that if the wife found out about it might well prove impossible for her to forgive.

There’s a parable in which a servant is forgiven a huge debt and then turns around and wants to take very harsh measures against a fellow servant who owes him a small sum. That’s essentially what the hypothetical husband in this case is doing–expecting forgiveness as a matter of course while being unwilling to extend it to another. I also don’t like the way that the hypothetical husband is justifying his action while at the same time believing that there are no extenuating circumstances for his wife’s conduct.

I suggest lots of counseling and a priest for the hypothetical couple.

 

[Xantippe]

The husband needs to have a serious talk with his spouse to say :

1. he’s sorry. He’s truly sorry
2. He’s made mistakes and doesn’t want any more “mistakes” in the marriage
3. He vows to change his ways
4. He knows she is sending these emails
5. He wants to repair the marriage and will do whatever it takes
6. Remind her that it’s not about getting even or keeping score. It’s about repairing the marriage.
7. that the 2 need to seek counseling with a priest or marriage counselor and they both need to be honest.
8. That both need to pray for healing and guidance.
9. That both need to make a commitment to repair the marriage by whatever it takes on both sides.

Yes.

 

[Estevao]

It would seem to me that they would both be guilty of adultery (Matthew 5:28). Of course the cure for this is only a confession away and a firm purpose of amendment.

 

[EasterJoy]

This is a hypothetical question…

Is he heaping commendation upon himself? Or is he just being human and jealous and since he stopped doing what he did he is okay…

How did those get to be the only two alternatives?

 

[7xTu]

There is another part of this question I would l like answered.
What if the man’s W justified her lying to him because she knew he would be upset. It was just a L about a txt, but it was a lie. And his W swore… for months. How does the H deal with a W justifying her lie?

 

[Xantippe]

There is another part of this question I would l like answered.
What if the man’s W justified her lying to him because she knew he would be upset. It was just a L about a txt, but it was a lie. And his W swore… for months. How does the H deal with a W justifying her lie?

The hypothetical husband (we’re still hypothetical, right?) is also leaving his wife under the totally false impression that he has been pure as the driven snow while she’s a sinning sinner.

Speaking totally hypothetically, several massage parlor visits trumps pretty much any number of mushy emails. To be even, the husband would have to have found motel receipts with his wife’s signature.

Also, totally hypothetically, it’s regarded as a major marital offense to snoop through a spouse’s phone or email. A lot of people would regard that as a major violation of trust. One pretty much has to discover an actual physical affair in order to break even on that one. There’s always going to be something in a spouse’s email or texts that one isn’t going to like, even it’s just griping about the snooper’s family.

 

[EasterJoy]

There is another part of this question I would l like answered.
What if the man’s W justified her lying to him because she knew he would be upset. It was just a L about a txt, but it was a lie. And his W swore… for months. How does the H deal with a W justifying her lie?

This couple needs to quit acting as if they’re in court: I mean, they need to stop fighting it out to see who will be forced to be the defendant and who gets to claim the “high ground” and be the prosecutor. It is not as if any of us can claim to be so sinless that we don’t need to be kind and merciful to those we claim to have promised to love!

When you complain within marriage, you don’t look to blame. You complain in order to a) stop the offending behavior and prevent it from happening again and b) to come to some agreement about what is needed to make amends and rebuild what was damaged. It is OK–and in fact highly likely that it will be your duty from time to time–to offer correction to your spouse in some form or another. It is a bad idea to make yourself out to be the prosecutor, judge and jury when you do it, though.

When she tries to justify her lie based on a legitimate claim that he goes ballistic when things go wrong, the husband can say, *“OK, if you think I go too nuts when something goes wrong, that’s fine, we’ll get to that. Right now, though, let’s stick to the topic: I should be able to know you won’t lie to me. You won’t say you’re going to do something or not do something and then hide it from me when you do the opposite. You’re certainly not going to do anything with the plan that you’re going to lie to me about it by hiding it. Either do it and be ready to say, ‘Here, I decided to do this,’ or else don’t do it.” *Then you two talk about what you have to tell each other and what you both understand is something you have the right to keep private, if you want. You may decide that, OK, maybe I don’t want you telling me every time you do something wrong. Maybe there are things I don’t want to know. This is what I need to feel I can trust you and you can trust me, but no, maybe I don’t need or want that…

Then, when you are done with that, you remember to say: “So now: let’s talk about how I make it harder for you to do that and how you’d like me to respond differently when you are admitting a failure…that’s not something that is easy for me to do with you, either. What should we do about that?…”

 

[7xTu]

It would be pretty much unforgivable to give a spouse the third degree about being emotionally inappropriate when one has oneself been repeatedly physically unfaithful, while at the same time not telling the spouse about the physical unfaithfulness. That’s the sort of hypocrisy that if the wife found out about it might well prove impossible for her to forgive.

There’s a parable in which a servant is forgiven a huge debt and then turns around and wants to take very harsh measures against a fellow servant who owes him a small sum. That’s essentially what the hypothetical husband in this case is doing–expecting forgiveness as a matter of course while being unwilling to extend it to another. I also don’t like the way that the hypothetical husband is justifying his action while at the same time believing that there are no extenuating circumstances for his wife’s conduct.

I suggest lots of counseling and a priest for the hypothetical couple.

This is a very good point and one the husband would be worried about. Great scripture verse.

Hypothetically speaking, the husband went outside of marriage due to lack of intimacy from wife. He did not have sx but he might of well has. He did do things that were very inappropriate and would constitute cheating just the same.

How does the husband deal with his jealousy and anger? He wants to forgive. He can never confess to the wife all. But he has asked God for forgiveness and confessed at confession, not one by one, but all in all.

 

[Xantippe]

This is a very good point and one the husband would be worried about. Great scripture verse.

Hypothetically speaking, the husband went outside of marriage due to lack of intimacy from wife. He did not have sx but he might of well has. He did do things that were very inappropriate and would constitute cheating just the same.

How does the husband deal with his jealousy and anger? He wants to forgive. He can never confess to the wife all. But he has asked God for forgiveness and confessed at confession, not one by one, but all in all.

That sounds like a job for trained professionals.

 

[pianistclare]

This is a very good point and one the husband would be worried about. Great scripture verse.

Hypothetically speaking, the husband went outside of marriage due to lack of intimacy from wife. He did not have sx but he might of well has. He did do things that were very inappropriate and would constitute cheating just the same.

How does the husband deal with his jealousy and anger? He wants to forgive. He can never confess to the wife all. But he has asked God for forgiveness and confessed at confession, not one by one, but all in all.

Sounds like the husband thinks his behavior excuses him.
He needs to repent, and then worry about his wife.
Sounds like he has not…
Hurt is a funny thing. It makes us believe that we can’t be wrong because WE are in pain. Sometimes we cause the pain ourselves.

 

[7xTu]

Sounds like the husband thinks his behavior excuses him.
He needs to repent, and then worry about his wife.
Sounds like he has not…
Hurt is a funny thing. It makes us believe that we can’t be wrong because WE are in pain. Sometimes we cause the pain ourselves.

The husband has repented.