Is is wrong to allow my husband to have marital relations with me if I believe our marriage may be invalid?

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Does anyone know what to do in this situation… In an earlier post I wrote about my struggles to stay married to my husband just to keep my family together. (“why didn’t I listen to myself?” post)
My husband is agonostic not Catholic, and many times I’ve suggested counseling, he feels we don’t have any real problems we don’t need it. Day after day I try so hard to see the good in him. Rediscover why I married him. He is not an awful person. He is great to “his friends, and people he likes”.He tries to be a good dad. But he is constantly doing and saying things that make me wonder if our marriage is in fact valid. I know it is not sacramental, (he is not baptized). The other day I mentioned how organized a friend of mine was, considering she has 5 kids.Out of the blue my husband told me If I get pregnant again I will either have to "get rid of it or he will leave me."and that I should reconsider using abc, (we have 3 kids right now). He knows I would never “get rid” of my baby. How could he say something like that to me. He is constantly saying and doing things that make me feel terrible. And of course I tell him so, but the next day he basically forgets about it and will start looking for sex with me. I almost never turn him down because then we end up in a fight, and I hate fighting. I don’t have the energy for for it.He knows that there are things bothering me and I have told him what they are and he just gets anoyed. If I believe that my marriage is invalid should I stop allowing my husband to have sex with me. I really don’t want a divorce I can’t do that to my kids. But I can’t keep lying to myself either. Help.
 
First, welcome to the forums.

I don’t really have a answer for you, because your situation is complicated. You don’t want a divorce and at the same time don’t want to have sex with him? If you hold out that maybe precisely what you will get.
 
choirmember said:
Does anyone know what to do in this situation… In an earlier post I wrote about my struggles to stay married to my husband just to keep my family together. (“why didn’t I listen to myself?” post)
My husband is agonostic not Catholic, and many times I’ve suggested counseling, he feels we don’t have any real problems we don’t need it. Day after day I try so hard to see the good in him. Rediscover why I married him. He is not an awful person. He is great to “his friends, and people he likes”.He tries to be a good dad. But he is constantly doing and saying things that make me wonder if our marriage is in fact valid. I know it is not sacramental, (he is not baptized). The other day I mentioned how organized a friend of mine was, considering she has 5 kids.Out of the blue my husband told me If I get pregnant again I will either have to "get rid of it or he will leave me."and that I should reconsider using abc, (we have 3 kids right now). He knows I would never “get rid” of my baby. How could he say something like that to me. He is constantly saying and doing things that make me feel terrible. And of course I tell him so, but the next day he basically forgets about it and will start looking for sex with me. I almost never turn him down because then we end up in a fight, and I hate fighting. I don’t have the energy for for it.He knows that there are things bothering me and I have told him what they are and he just gets anoyed. If I believe that my marriage is invalid should I stop allowing my husband to have sex with me. I really don’t want a divorce I can’t do that to my kids. But I can’t keep lying to myself either. Help.
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Have you talked to your priest? That might be a good start. And you and your husband should seek counseling, before making any decisions. I am sorry things are tough right now:( , but try to speak to a priest so he can give you some direction. God bless & good luck.
 
Some folks think too much, about intricate questions of marital theology.

I believe marriages should be considered valid, unless proven otherwise.

The church has institutional mechanisms for the perfection of marriages without proper form. These might be investigated.

The author of this thread seems to be looking for the exit door.
It would be my hope that the marriage could be salvaged and improved. There are qualified professionals who can help.
 
Choirmember:
Talk to your priest.
Find out whether or not your marriage is valid.
Ask the priest’s advice about what’s right to do.
 
Can a marriage be valid if it is not sacramental?

God bless and praying for this situation.
 
If you were married in the Church, you’re validly married.

But, do you have to have sex with a husband that makes you feel used? That’s the real question, here. Some people believe that it is a sin to ever say “no” to your husband, without a very grave reason (like you are fertile and getting pregnant will kill you, or you had a baby last week, or something like that.) I think that presupposes that your husband respects you and isn’t just using you.

I know a lot of women who use NFP who fight with their husbands about when they can have sex. If the husband isn’t on board with NFP, it can be very hard to deal with it.

At the very least, your husband needs to know that you would never get an abortion. And, he should be warned that sex at any given time might result in pregnancy. If you have any reason to believe that he would actually leave you over a pregnancy, then I think you have a good reason to avoid pregnancy. I think you can refuse to have sex with your husband if you believe you might be fertile at that time.

How to deal with his pouting or fighting over it is another issue. But, knowing that you’re in the right should help.
 
Well here’s my simple answers. If you feel in your heart that the marriage is invalid then don’t participate in what you feel may be sinful until you’ve checked with a priest. We’re talking about your immortal soul…you don’t want to mess with that. If your husband doesn’t like it tell him tough and let him rant and rave. If he gets violent…leave for awhile. He’s acting like a kid who wants to have his cake and eat it too. I would be honest with him though about what you would do if another baby came along. Agnostics don’t look at life the same way as christians. To most it’s only a baby when they want it…if not it’s just a piece of biological tissue. Harsh I know but that’s the way many agnostics look at a pregnancy…not all of them but many do.
 
Sierrah said:
Well here’s my simple answers. If you feel in your heart that the marriage is invalid then don’t participate in what you feel may be sinful until you’ve checked with a priest. We’re talking about your immortal soul…you don’t want to mess with that…
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What the heck are you talking about? If you feel…??? The Church considers marriages valid until proven otherwise. The Church is the entity that says if a marriage is proven to be invalid. In the USA the Church will not look into it until a divorce decree has been issued by the civil authorities. It is sinful not to act as a spouse once you are married (that does not mean that she has to be available at his command, it is a relationship). It looks like you are clearly telling a person to sin by negating what she promised at the her wedding.

I agree with you in talking to a priest ASAP.
 
Cristiano said:
What the heck are you talking about? If you feel…??? The Church considers marriages valid until proven otherwise. The Church is the entity that says if a marriage is proven to be invalid. In the USA the Church will not look into it until a divorce decree has been issued by the civil authorities. It is sinful not to act as a spouse once you are married (that does not mean that she has to be available at his command, it is a relationship). It looks like you are clearly telling a person to sin by negating what she promised at the her wedding.

I agree with you in talking to a priest ASAP.
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I believe GOD sometimes uses our hearts or gives us gut feelings that something isn’t right. Until we are sure we shouldn’t just ignore that feeling. When I’ve ignored my gut feelings I’ve often gotten into trouble. Point being she needs to see a priest and ask his advice. As to not following through on her marriage committment she can’t do that anyway till her concience is clear that there is a marriage and if what you say is true the priest will tell her that. 🤷
 
Sierrah said:
I believe GOD sometimes uses our hearts or gives us gut feelings that something isn’t right. Until we are sure we shouldn’t just ignore that feeling. When I’ve ignored my gut feelings I’ve often gotten into trouble. Point being she needs to see a priest and ask his advice. As to not following through on her marriage committment she can’t do that anyway till her concience is clear that there is a marriage and if what you say is true the priest will tell her that. 🤷
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Are you saying that is someone’s conscience is not aligned with the Church’s teachings he/she should follow his/her conscience and disregard the teaching?
 
Cristiano said:
Are you saying that is someone’s conscience is not aligned with the Church’s teachings he/she should follow his/her conscience and disregard the teaching?
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Touchy today are we? No I’m saying that if someone feels very strongly about something especially something so important they need to investigate their feelings to see if maybe GOD is trying to tell them something. If you note I did tell her to see priest. 👍 And how do you know her conscience isn’t aligned with the church. The very fact that’s she so worried about it shows she cares about the churches teachings that’s why she’s unsure about the status of her marriage. You seem a bit hung up on the intimacy issue yourself. Things aren’t always cut and dry. But I do advocate her consulting a priest before she would make any firm decisions. 👍
 
Whether or not your marriage is valid shouldn’t have a bearing on whether or not you have sex with your husband. If you don’t want to have sex with him because he’s a big fat jerk, then don’t have sex with him and tell him the reason why. Letting him have his way just to avoid an argument is not going to help your marriage survive anymore than not having sex with him will.

I’m no counselor, and I have marital issues of my own, but if you were my girlfriend, and we were having some wine and cheese together, I’d tell you to tell that SOB that he is an SOB and that is the reason why he’s not getting any nookie tonight.

Honesty is the best policy. If he can take it, then he’ll want to make things better. If he can’t, then eventually you may find yourself in a marriage tribunal. But don’t assume that your marriage is invalid and as such that’s the reason you shouldn’t have sex with your husband. The only reason any husband or wife needs to not have sex with their spouse should be based on the way the spouse treats him or her. You don’t owe him sexual relations just because you’re married. He still has to be a lover and be loving, that’s part of the vow he took to cherish you.
 
Sierrah said:
**Touchy today are we? ** No I’m saying that if someone feels very strongly about something especially something so important they need to investigate their feelings to see if maybe GOD is trying to tell them something. If you note I did tell her to see priest. 👍 And how do you know her conscience isn’t aligned with the church. The very fact that’s she so worried about it shows she cares about the churches teachings that’s why she’s unsure about the status of her marriage. ** You seem a bit hung up on the intimacy issue yourself. ** Things aren’t always cut and dry. But I do advocate her consulting a priest before she would make any firm decisions. 👍
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The argumentum ad hominen is a very intelligent way to debate why a Catholic should not be aligned with the teachings of the Church. Great apologetics!👍
 
BeeSweet said:
Whether or not your marriage is valid shouldn’t have a bearing on whether or not you have sex with your husband. If you don’t want to have sex with him because he’s a big fat jerk, then don’t have sex with him and tell him the reason why…
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This is a reasonable explanation on why she should not have sexual intercourse with him just because he demands so. As I stated in a previous post this is a relationship. If it is only sex based on expectations, then it is only based on lust from his side, and it should not be encouraged.
 
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