Is it a mortal sin to be making plans to marry without an annulment first?

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pianoplayingmom

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I think I know the answer but I need it confirmed. A friend and I are disagreeing about this. He is working on his annulment (hasn’t turned in the paperwork yet) and recently met a woman from catholicmatch.com. They have publicly declared their undying love for one another, telling people they are engaged, after only two 5-day encounters in person. Aside from the issue of the imprudence of the rush to intimacy after such a short amount of time together, I think it’s a mortal sin to be romancing someone before the Church declares the first marriage null. (Also, I’ve known people who were turned down for an annulment…I wonder what these two will do if that happens?) When I pointed this out to my friend, he skirted around the issue, telling me what they are doing is of God and regaling me with all the good work the two are doing together and declared me judgmental for bringing it up. (I saw it as a spiritual work of mercy–to admonish the sinner.) I went to his pastor who said I was correct in my thinking but nothing was done (as far as I know) by any of the priests in his parish to direct him spiritually on this matter after I did. (It’s possible he didn’t tell me and is ignoring their guidance.) I keep thinking of the analogy of a man who is a pillar in his community, doing many good works by day but goes home and beats his wife at night, which brings up something else. Can anyone direct me to a Catholic teaching on the idea that our good works don’t have much merit if we are living in mortal sin? Thanks for patiently wading through this. It’s been bothering me…I’m praying for my friend.
 
CCC on divorce and remarriage, bold added:

scborromeo.org/ccc/p2s2c3a7.htm#1649

[1649](javascript:openWindow(‘cr/1649.htm’)😉 Yet there are some situations in which living together becomes practically impossible for a variety of reasons. In such cases the Church permits the physical *separation *of the couple and their living apart. The spouses do not cease to be husband and wife before God and so are not free to contract a new union. In this difficult situation, the best solution would be, if possible, reconciliation. The Christian community is called to help these persons live out their situation in a Christian manner and in fidelity to their marriage bond which remains indissoluble.159
[1650](javascript:openWindow(‘cr/1650.htm’)😉 Today there are numerous Catholics in many countries who have recourse to civil *divorce *and contract new civil unions. In fidelity to the words of Jesus Christ - "Whoever divorces his wife and marries another, commits adultery against her; and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery"160 the Church maintains that a new union cannot be recognized as valid, if the first marriage was. If the divorced are remarried civilly, they find themselves in a situation that objectively contravenes God’s law. Consequently, they cannot receive Eucharistic communion as long as this situation persists. For the same reason, they cannot exercise certain ecclesial responsibilities. Reconciliation through the sacrament of Penance can be granted only to those who have repented for having violated the sign of the covenant and of fidelity to Christ, and who are committed to living in complete continence.
 
Would his actions be sinful were he still married to his wife? Of course they would be.

Until the statement of nullity is received, he is called to live his life on the assumption that he is still a married man. Because he may be . . .
 
IrishAm said:
Would his actions be sinful were he still married to his wife? Of course they would be.

Until the statement of nullity is received, he is called to live his life on the assumption that he is still a married man. Because he may be . . .
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I very much agree but I do have to ask if it really is any of your business?
 
Sure, it isn’t a good idea, on about a thousand grounds. But you may already have overstepped your boundaries on this I think.
 
From what the last two posters are saying, am I to understand that, when a friend tells me something that he is doing which is contrary to God’s law, I am supposed to remain silent about it? Wouldn’t that look like I am in agreement with him then? He and I had many conversations about this BEFORE he met this woman and he told me he understood the Church teaching and was in agreement with not being able to date anyone until his annulment went through. He has radically changed his viewpoint now.

It’s so typical of us humans, isn’t it? We’ll say we’ll obey God’s laws until it goes against something we want to do. We want to do what we want to do when we want to do it…It’s very sad, considering how all of our sins nailed Jesus to the cross because of this attitude.

No need to worry any about me “overstepping my boundaries” in this particular case. He has now thrown me out of his life because he couldn’t deal with the truth about his situation coming from me. I guess it’s better to shoot the messenger. I pray for him…
 
kage_ar said:
It is a work of mercy to instruct the ignorant!
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I was thinking of the spiritual work of mercy to admonish the sinner. According to the Bible, we are told to talk to the person who is doing something wrong and, if he doesn’t listen to us, we are to go to the Church, which is what I did.
 
pianoplayingmom said:
From what the last two posters are saying, am I to understand that, when a friend tells me something that he is doing which is contrary to God’s law, I am supposed to remain silent about it? Wouldn’t that look like I am in agreement with him then? He and I had many conversations about this BEFORE he met this woman and he told me he understood the Church teaching and was in agreement with not being able to date anyone until his annulment went through. He has radically changed his viewpoint now.

It’s so typical of us humans, isn’t it? We’ll say we’ll obey God’s laws until it goes against something we want to do. We want to do what we want to do when we want to do it…It’s very sad, considering how all of our sins nailed Jesus to the cross because of this attitude.

No need to worry any about me “overstepping my boundaries” in this particular case. He has now thrown me out of his life because he couldn’t deal with the truth about his situation coming from me. I guess it’s better to shoot the messenger. I pray for him…
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Telling him what you thought, kindly, was fine. Going to his priest was walking the line. Keeping on about it was likely not appropriate, and clearly ineffective.
 
Bluegoat said:
Telling him what you thought, kindly, was fine. Going to his priest was walking the line. Keeping on about it was likely not appropriate, and clearly ineffective.
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You might be right. The interesting thing is he and I promised one another a while ago that we would help each other get to heaven. I thought that meant helping one another see the truth, especially when one of us veered off the path. Apparently, it didn’t mean that. I’m very sad about the whole thing. I am letting it go. God gave him free will and it is not my place to interfere with that.
 
No offense, but it kinda sounds like " If I leave the house with the iron still on, is the iron still on even though I’m not in the house?" Apples & oranges, the principle is the same. I was just in a way heavy discussion on mortal sin & essentially a mortal sin is a deliberate action knowing that what you’re doing is wrong, & chosing to press forward with it anyway. Those are the elements of a mortal sin. I’m not trying to be all up in your kool-aid, (LOL) but that is how the question seems to me. I’m not making light of it, I’m just saying I think you’ve already got the answer to your own question & need to validate your thoughts on the matter? I could be way off, but that’s my 2c.
 
pianoplayingmom said:
No need to worry any about me “overstepping my boundaries” in this particular case. **He has now thrown me out of his life because he couldn’t deal with the truth about his **situation coming from me. I guess it’s better to shoot the messenger. I pray for him…
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It seems that your “help” has proved to be of no consequence and now he is out of your life. Was that your intention?
 
You have done what you could do. Now you can only continue to pray.

It may not be a mortal sin to make plans to marry when the annulment is granted, but maybe a venial sin and certainly very unwise and very likely an occasion of sin. I wonder what he would do if the annulment isn’t given.

Is the issue complicated for you because you have/had somewhat of a romantic interest in him? I was just wondering because you said you had promised to help each other get to heaven and to me that implies a very close relationship.
 
Yes, we have been close friends but with no romantic feelings. I have known from the beginning that he was still married and so I didn’t go there. (And, once upon a time, he agreed with me…that we couldn’t start anything.) I did what I could to try to help him. I’m sad that he reacted to me the way he did. It feels like he’s shooting the messenger, throwing the baby out with the bath water…I did my best to present my concern with love and kindness. My sadness lies in what he’s doing, not that I have lost him as a friend. I want him to go to heaven. I will continue to pray for him. It’s the best gift I know to give him, even when he doesn’t know I’m giving it to him. I think I really did just want validation for what I was thinking so we probably can close this discussion for now. Thanks, everyone!
 
Well, he clearly started dating and had an intimate relationship with someone other than his wife while he was still married in the eyes of the church. Making plans to marry is just the icing on the cake of his adultery.
 
Cider said:
Well, he clearly started dating and had an intimate relationship with someone other than his wife while he was still married in the eyes of the church. Making plans to marry is just the icing on the cake of his adultery.
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Yes, I sadly agree. The thing is, if he hadn’t thrown me away, I think I would have had to back away from him anyway. The way he has been attacking me and my character (I believe out of defense…he refuses to see his sin) ever since I tried to correct his thinking on this issue seems almost demonic. I have been wondering if Satan is using him to get to me, to sow seeds of doubting myself. I’m not falling for that tactic but I’m not going to put up my dukes to Satan, so to speak, either. I must focus on God and what He wants of me. I understand that Satan must hate the work I do in the Church and in the pro-life movement. So, now I will leave my friend to God, realizing I cannot help him. This whole exercise with my friend is much more than meets the eye…or so it seems to me. Isn’t amazing how our sins affect others in ways we may not even realize?
 
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