Is it a sin to avoid others to avoid judging?

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NuclearReceptor

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Hi,

I have a coworker. Nice guy. But we have completely different personalities, and sometimes, I really, really find it difficult to be around that person. Here’s why:

He’s nice. But there are things he does that causes subconscious judgment on my part. And I don’t like it, and it constantly makes me dreadful and feel like a terrible person. Whenever we have lunch, it ends up being some sort of work gossip and talking about others, and I really don’t want to do that – I’d rather just eat alone. On the other hand, we really have very little in common and conservation is either silent or forced. Kind of really awkward. He’s on the sensitive side, so I constantly have to “be on edge”, so to speak. He’s one of the last to arrive to work and first to leave (no family members to take care of) – but he speaks of others as though they do not work hard. I don’t want to judge him judging. I wish I had the ability to silence my mind and only think nice, pleasant thoughts, like what St. Paul recommends.

Yes, I know. I’m a terrible person who lacks humility.

I just don’t want to be in situations where something rubs me the wrong way (completely my fault) and causes me to have uncharitable, irritable thoughts towards my neighbor. I don’t will them to happen – they just happen and I have no control over them.

Would I rather be a humble person? Of course. Have I prayed? Apparently not enough.

But in the meantime: is it sinful to avoid someone (e.g., avoid having lunch with them, reducing verbal contact to ordinary pleasantries or what is required for work) so that I may not have judgmental thoughts about them?
 
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in the Act of Contrition, it speaks of avoiding the near occasion of sin. I would say what you are doing is just that.
 
Hmm…quite possible. But we are also told to love our neighbors as ourselves, so I feel like a quandary.

I perceive irritation when I’m around this person, and it’s like I’m constantly sinning because of it and that God is angry because of it. A humble person does not feel irritation. I am prideful, and pride is sin.

After 4 years of trying to contain it and suppress it, I don’t know what to do anymore. It started Day 1.

I do know it’s due to my fault and imperfections. Just don’t have the strength to handle it anymore with all the other stresses of my life.
 
pray about it. if you are able, talk to your parish priest.
 
No one expects the heroic in day to day life.
You don’t like him, I get it. There’s always people like that. Be cordial, move on.
He’ll get the hint after you are cool for a couple of weeks.
 
If something uncharitable is said in your presence, either speak in favor of the absent, or withdraw, or if possible, stop the conversation.
  • St. John Vianney
 
The people who are full of themselves that I have met usually like to sit on their very own throne. Some do it because there is nothing good about themselves that can be easily located. I would encourage you to redirect the conversation for them to explain why it is that they are so great in so many ways. If they are so great, encourage them to share that greatness with the world. You never know, that person might actually be great at something and if they change, could make the next Khan Academy. They really need a platform to show off their greatness and then conversations will be more like, “these people were confused and I helped them like this.”
 
Thank you for that link to the story. I didn’t know she had that temperament growing up.

(Unfortunately, I’m the one with the toxic, negative personality, not my coworker — hence why I find myself intolerable being unable to deal with such inconsequential matters…I honestly think I have some sort of personality disorder — anxiety, fickleness, moodiness, cynicism, pride…but anyway, off topic…)

I will pray to her for help and seek out a priest and casually mention my problem (lest I take up too much of his time with such ridiculous issue.)
 
You are far too kind! If I were half the spiritual person you think I am, I would be content.

I don’t want to cut off friendship completely, but I have to find a way to reduce some things before it becomes a near occasion of sin as someone mentioned.

He is honestly a good person as a whole — much more selfless and caring to others than me — except for certain little defects (that we all have).

It’s my own imperfection and instability that make a mountain out of a molehill and create things that aren’t there. If I could imitate one disciple of Jesus, it would be St. Nathaniel, who was without guile.
 
Four years of suppressing it…well done!🙂 It’s just so very human to feel what your feeling,certain people irritate me and in turn I feel bad that I can be irritated.I think most people could go through this,and perhaps they handle it internally pretty well,or just don’t show it.
If you’ve got to spend time around this person perhaps each day have something in mind to offer that up for
…it can be really hard work counteracting negativity ,gossip in someone else but try and think of coming away
with words that have benefited you both,especially ending on a positive and productive note.
God bless.
 
Seems to me that simply avoiding the co-worker and calling it avoiding the near occasion of sin is a bit of a cop-out, since this is not a case of sexual temptation nor of something which is objectively an occasion of sin. Instead, it seems like an opportunity to learn and grow in holiness.

Each time you notice yourself thinking something judgemental about this person in particular, but also everyone else, say a prayer for him or her. It can be a simple one if you are conversing, and a Hail Mary if you are alone.

Counteract any attempts to gossip by saying the prayer quietly and audibly praising something about the person. You could even jokingly say that the way he talks about others makes you wonder what he says about you when you’re not there, or something like that.

St Ignatius would suggest that you keep a record of how often you “fall;” which can be helpful both as an accountability thing and to show improvement.

But best is to discuss all this with a good priest in real life
 
You sound like a very kind person to think like this. Most would just end it.

I would taper off spending time with them.

Some people bring out our worst, some bring out our best. We don’t have to spend time with people who make us uncomfortable and it’s not sinful to limit contact.
 
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