Is it a sin to be in love with a woman who has a boyfriend?

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Archedreamer

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She is aditionally jewess. She has aditionally probably sleept with her boyfriend (seeing that in one photo she and her boyfriend are on a bed from a trip that they made to the Sea together).

I know about the care that I should have by the second question (that she is jewess). But I do not know what to think about the first (boyfriend) and the third (possible sexual affaire) questions.

Also, is it a sin to spy her? I have access to the view of her facebook because I made a account as if I was a Jew, so I became the friend of a pro-jew jewish friend her… and so I can see some of her facebook. I don’t know if she shoud like it or not, probably not, since she didn’t want that I knew that she has boyfriend.
 
It is too complex that I have towards her… it is not a simple crush. I am so ashamed by to have done this question.

Eliminate this if it is no correct.
 
Archedreamer said:
It is too complex that I have towards her… it is not a simple crush. I am so ashamed by to have done this question.

Eliminate this if it is no correct.
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It is unlikely that you are “in love” with her if you don’t even know her well enough to be a Facebook friend. Since she’s dating someone else, you should stop spying on her and move on. You might want to visit with a trusted, knowledgable person about proper interactions between a man and a woman (or boy/girl since I’m not certain of your age). I’m not sure if it’s the language barrier or your actual views, but some of what you are saying causes me concern.
 
We cannot assume whether or not someone has has committed fornication…it’s not a Christian assumption to make without evidence, and you are showing an unhealthy pre-occupation in someone who is not your girlfriend or wife.

You can’t call this love, because love wants what is best for the other person, you are attracted, and maybe even somewhat obsessed with her. It is a sin to covet what is not ours.
And to lie as you have done on Facebook, this also is also sinful behavior. You need to delete that false account.

As a female, if I knew what you were doing to get my attention, I’d be creeped out. I couldn’t trust someone who was duplicitous. And would not regard you as someone I wanted to have relationship with. You are possibly young and are attracted, but hopefully you will sort yourself out. I’m sorry you feel sad, but we don’t always get what we want.
Please be an honest person, and trustworthy. That means a lot to a woman. And certainly to God.

Hopefully, when it is the right time and you are in the right ‘place’, you will find and be found by someone where there is mutual and wholesome love. 🙂

God’s kind blessings to you

Referring to your second post…don’t be embarrassed…we all have things to learn, and sometimes we need others’ (name removed by moderator)ut on emotional issues.
 
Archedreamer said:
She is aditionally jewess. She has aditionally probably sleept with her boyfriend (seeing that in one photo she and her boyfriend are on a bed from a trip that they made to the Sea together).

I know about the care that I should have by the second question (that she is jewess). But I do not know what to think about the first (boyfriend) and the third (possible sexual affaire) questions.

Also, is it a sin to spy her? I have access to the view of her facebook because I made a account as if I was a Jew, so I became the friend of a pro-jew jewish friend her… and so I can see some of her facebook. I don’t know if she shoud like it or not, probably not, since she didn’t want that I knew that she has boyfriend.
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Actually, it’s good that you posted on this again because I see you are progressing in your actions toward this woman, against the advice previously given.

And, yes, it is a sin to spy on her. You know it’s wrong. You will do yourself no good creating a facebook account as someone else, based on a false identity, because you intend to deceive her or spy on her. As someone else posted, I’d be creeped out to discover this, and she will find out eventually. I urge you to resist this temptation to check up on this woman and any presumed boyfriends; delete the false FB account.

I implore you to talk to a priest about this, your feelings for the woman and what you are doing. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but you do not appear to take the advice you were previously given and are proceeding on a course that is not good for you at all.

This was the best advice you received – link below. I really implore you to read it again, with an open mind and make an appointment to speak with a priest as soon as possible.

Last, you will find more compatibility with someone of your own faith. You are not leaving yourself open to the possibility of finding that someone special as suggested above while you pursue this other woman. What you want is to “tell” God that this is the woman for you – you are not remaining open. Read the title to your previous post – you want to submit her to God as your choice, contrary to her wishes and/or God’s.

TheRealJulianne
 
michelleds said:
I’m not sure if it’s the language barrier or your actual views, but some of what you are saying causes me concern.
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I meet your concerns. He is 20; the woman is 24, secular Jewish. He’s provided this information in another thread, so I am not revealing anything here that he has not already revealed. I think it’s important to note that they had a math class together which has now ended.
 
Love is an act of charity, not a feeling. I suspect you are suffering from infatuation, which can be an occasion of sin, or lust, which is a sin.
 
Leegal said:
I meet your concerns. He is 20; the woman is 24, secular Jewish. He’s provided this information in another thread, so I am not revealing anything here that he has not already revealed. I think it’s important to note that they had a math class together which has now ended.
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thank you. Then yes, I join with the other posters who have indicated serious concern for your behavior. in fact, it’s possible that you are committing a crime–stalking–not to mention just being downright creepy. STOP and get counselling before this goes horribly awry.
 
Archedreamer said:
She is aditionally jewess. She has aditionally probably sleept with her boyfriend (seeing that in one photo she and her boyfriend are on a bed from a trip that they made to the Sea together).

I know about the care that I should have by the second question (that she is jewess). But I do not know what to think about the first (boyfriend) and the third (possible sexual affaire) questions.

Also, is it a sin to spy her? I have access to the view of her facebook because I made a account as if I was a Jew, so I became the friend of a pro-jew jewish friend her… and so I can see some of her facebook. I don’t know if she shoud like it or not, probably not, since she didn’t want that I knew that she has boyfriend.
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It doesn’t matter what you think her relationship is like, or about, but it is rather obvious she is ‘spoken for’. By continuing with this infatuation with her, or with this misplaced and unrequited love which you have, you are not doing yourself any emotional good whatsoever.

For your own sake, do the manly thing and walk away. Sometimes you have to do hard things in order to protect yourself emotionally and to allow yourself to grow as a person. If you persist with idolising her, you will stunt your own spititual and emotional growth. So, man up and walk away. Don’t look back.
 
Thank you so much all you! I just can’t read you but I must know that she must no be that woman that God has prepared for me (if He has prepared one) so the most important thing is to go away in my mind and obbey God… thank you so much all you! 🙂
 
About the use of “girl” in the place of “woman” that I do in my expression… it is because in Argentina we are more “premodern” so a female that has not married or has not a job or has not have her 30th birthday… it is more a girl than a woman (a “chica” no a “mujer”)… I am not cerainly an abusive person! 😃 (I hate it!). She has 24 years… I am minor than her.
 
I have just deactivated the account… by her sinfulness and because I am afraid of make her afraid more than I am afraid of anything I could think about her.

I will try to speak with a priest (I say that I will try because my local church is certainly critically institutionalized).
 
Hola Archedreamer,

to be honest, I can relate to what you are saying because I have been in this kind of situation before. Actually, I :rotfl: when I read about your little facebook trick.

Anyways, you have been told it’s not a good practice and it’s good as you have deleted the profile. The problem here was that you created this profile to spy on her and not because you created a profile that concealed your identity. Hiding your identity online is not a sin.

It is also good as you posted again. It shows that the problem is still there and I understand. When a patient goes to a doctor and the doctor prescribes a medication, he has to consume the medication for a period of time before feeling the effect. But it is also possible that after a couple of days, he returns to the doctor complaining about the same issue. The doctor would normally advise the patient to finish the medication and return if the problem persists.

So always feel free to post if you feel like the problem still persists. And to tell you the truth, overcoming this kind of obsession takes time especially for a young guy like you living in our society today.

I will recommend you to get this book: The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale–a protestant pastor. It’s a great book that deals with the mind. This book really, really helped and still helps me. If you can’t get this book for whatever reason, send me a private message with a delivery address and I will get a copy posted to the address.

You need to start practicing meditation. For you to stop thinking about this woman (I would normally also call her a girl), you need to start thinking about something else. When you empty your mind, you have to immediately fill it with something positive (e.g God, heaven…). Otherwise those unfruitful thoughts will come back and with even greater force.

He recommends 15 minutes meditation at least 3 times a day. But you can adapt it to a duration that suits you because 15 mins meditation is long for me. I chose circa 5 mins.

There is also this masterpiece by St. Francis de Sales: Introduction to the Devout Life. I have a copy but I have read just a few pages. He puts forward some great practical guides on meditation and the like.

These books should help you dude. And you will need to keep revisiting some pages until…

Just let this chick go man. I know it won’t be easy but be disciplined and plan your day daily without giving any room for her.

Good luck man.
 
Hello my friend!

I’m with Kelvinf. I know exactly what you’re experiencing, and it’s not in itself necessarily sinful! Its actually a scientifically studied phenomena as powerful as a drug addiction and something that in a sense happens to you- you did not just cause it all by yourself. Started a thread about it called ‘unrequited love’ at the family life forum here at CAF forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=625987
Perhaps you can share there and hopefully get some advice from people who have been through it and gotten over it. At the very least you’ll see that you’re not alone and not doomed to live in it forever! It might help with the shame you feel (a very, very real daily struggle when you suffer with this thing that can feel like the curse of a demon on you!)

It’s called limerence. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

It’s not love perse as some say, but it’s certainly no crush either! It’s one of the most difficult things to go through in life, and impossible to understand for those who have never gone through it! Contrary to what some here have said, it is actually exactly the “falling in love” experience. For most lucky people, it happens mutually. A real chemical thing that has a definite life-span. When it’s mutual, it ends in about 2 to 3 years, after which either mature love will have replaced it or the relationship turns really sour for one or both partners.

But for those unlucky ones who fall into it without reciprocation, it’s a trial that can be compared with few others in life. And I feel you- I’ve lived through it, Both on the giving and receiving end and its torturous both ways! So keep that in mind, if the Limerent Object (your Jewess) is thoroughly harsh if she ever finds out… and don’t take it personally. Some have said that not knowing her well means it’s not really falling in love- They are wrong! This thing has a logic of its own, people- It just makes no sense! And lack of reciprocation actually increases rather than decreases it! :eek: You can read an article about it on wikipedia and many places on the net- Google it :p.

The most important question- How to overcome it? The scientists don’t give many solutions and their views are quite depressing, but what do they know? They are scientists- not all-knowing Gurus. There is in fact, a way (Yay!! :D). And I know that it works the hard way- experience. I’ll share it in the next post.
 
After having suffered for 3 years and trying, and failing, each time, here is how this addiction (the only way I can describe it- addiction to a particular individual as powerful as cocaine/alcohol to their victims) was finally defeated (Praise God! :extrahappy:).
  1. God (and the Interior Life)
    Without God, you’re kidding yourself! Something as powerful as this can only be defeated by what has the only true power over you. Pray, pray, pray! Take the previous Poster’s advice and get “An introduction to the Devout life” by St. Frances de Sales- It taught me to pray and to begin the interior life. Get to the Blessed Eucharist as often as possible, give yourself over to the virgin (Rosary and/or St. Louis’ consecration to Jesus through her). I personally believe that without her I would be lost. My unrequited limerence caused me to lose my faith for a year, but thank God for his mother! I had trusted myself to her and she saved me. :thumbsup:_Get to a good spiritual director and go to confession/direction weekly. The value of wise support cannot be overstated.
  2. Understand it
    For me, understanding it was the next big step in my liberation. It took care of the shame. There’s nothing wrong with you, you’re not weird, you certainly may be unlucky- but you are not a crazy person, and this experience can be turned to your greatest benefit if you use it wisely. It’s chemicals running all over the place- powerful ones, like heroine and others!
It has connection with your past of course, and may be why it’s triggered with unattainable persons rather than attainable ones- wanting what you cannot have, or subconsciously seeking self-affliction/punishment to resolve some deep issues- some psychological jargon like that. Know that your mind is seeking healing by triggering this situation and if you deal with it, not only will this thing go away, it’ll catalyze growth in you like mad fertilizer. The excruciating pain is always an opportunity to grow- grab it by clinging desperately to Christ in you and facing the truth (scary and ugly) in you head on.
  1. Face Rejection
    I have no idea how you get here, but through step 1 and 2, you will, eventually. I can’t tell you to just do it, because I know its not that simple. But to get here, make it your priority in prayer to ask to be free of this person and feeling, to come to need God alone and to come to realize that it’s an illusion, only God is the source of your happiness- everything else is a false attachment, a cheap replacement. Keep in your mind that you will have to come to a point where you say, “She can’t love/want me, And I can’t have her- And it’s* OK***.” It’s not the end of the world, she’s not God.
Personally, I also had to come to self-acceptance. Part of the problem was lack of what pop-psychologists call self “love”, but I call it self-acceptance, not self-love. Its part of the truths of our faith. And St. Francis’ meditations help a lot- Realize that God deliberately made you the way you are- exactly like you are! No mistakes! You are loved with unconditional love- God gains nothing by creating you- you add nothing to him, and your non-existence takes away nothing from him- Yet here you are- created, that is “chosen” and beloved by Him! That’s love and you have it. Then you don’t need for someone “ideal” to tell you that you’re OK- God says it everyday he keeps you in existence! 😃 That’s part of the psychological stuff going on, you know- seeking some person we put on a pedestal to judge us as OK by loving us.
  1. Grieve
    Keep a journal, my friend. Tell God all about how you feel and why, and when you’ve cried all you can, give it to him. Sometimes writing can help us express the truth we can’t quite see, and makes it clear to us, and then we can make tiny resolutions until the day comes when we can make ** the Big big one,** and mean it and (in the name of Jesus) get up and walk! Just like the cripple at the pool of Silom in the Bible- :D.
Finally, of course when you find yourself failing (going back on your resolutions and wasting a whole day day dreaming about her), just start again. The Big day will come, and you’ll be free. Don’t allow despair to cause you not to forge ahead with the same resolutions :nope:.

That’s it for now, but I’m praying for you- And cheer up! You are Catholic! You have tones of resources and ammo to get you through this and help you to come out the other end a much much better Christian and person in general, than you were going in. 👍

Much love, my friend :console:
 
I really thank you again…🙂

I have just bought the Introduction to the Devout Life of St. Francis of Sales. I will begin the reading.

I think that it is not so bad to have fallen in love with her. I know now the gnawing anguish that may be at the soul of Jesus Christ when Israel, his expected bride, rennounced Him. I used to be anti-Semite! (tough it was previous to my christianization). I think that this cans be the way to arrive to a life consecrated to the crossing to reach towards Him that bride…

I have not nothing at my life… just critical academics, a destroyed family (my father has another even he now he desires to live at an emergency quartier helping), no friends… etc. So I can fight for this. Because God is with me. I should not be crying by the lack of that “perfect” bride… I have Another who will care me. I must just believe, and do…

I began this thread making a general question so it would be very selfish from me not to clear that is the answer for my question:

Someone cannot fall in love wich another someone who is engaged because someone cannot covet something that is not his.

(That is the commandement number 10, it is not?)

PS: It is not because I like to have impossible love"s" (just two)… it is just my australity, that makes me love the norse beauty and the norse tenderness… Askenazi and Germanic girls are so similar! Why I fall in love always with aske and not german girls? It is maybe the sephardi roots that my father has given me… maybe I can only cry remembering Jerusalem. :rolleyes:
 
Archedreamer said:
I really thank you again…🙂

I have just bought the Introduction to the Devout Life of St. Francis of Sales. I will begin the reading.

I think that it is not so bad to have fallen in love with her. I know now the gnawing anguish that may be at the soul of Jesus Christ when Israel, his expected bride, rennounced Him. I used to be anti-Semite! (tough it was previous to my christianization). I think that this cans be the way to arrive to a life consecrated to the crossing to reach towards Him that bride…

I have not nothing at my life… just critical academics, a destroyed family (my father has another even he now he desires to live at an emergency quartier helping), no friends… etc. So I can fight for this. Because God is with me. I should not be crying by the lack of that “perfect” bride… I have Another who will care me. I must just believe, and do…

I began this thread making a general question so it would be very selfish from me not to clear that is the answer for my question:

Someone cannot fall in love wich another someone who is engaged because someone cannot covet something that is not his.

(That is the commandement number 10, it is not?)

PS: It is not because I like to have impossible love"s" (just two)… it is just my australity, that makes me love the norse beauty and the norse tenderness… Askenazi and Germanic girls are so similar! Why I fall in love always with aske and not german girls? It is maybe the sephardi roots that my father has given me… maybe I can only cry remembering Jerusalem. :rolleyes:
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Hey,

I just want to add a couple of things:

Note that this book was originally written in French and I am sure you know what it means to translate from one language to another. There have been multiple translations of the book and the current translation is the best so far but far from perfect. This is mentioned in the introduction.
You have to be aware of this because while reading the book, certain phrases might not make sense but wouldn’t or shouldn’t influence the overall context.

St. Francis de Sales also covers a bit on friendship. So don’t worry.

Finally, I want to recommend you to download this mp3 breathing exercise from this website pray-as-you-go.org/
The main content of the site dynamically changes when you hover your mouse over certain hyperlinks. When you hover over the link “breathing exercise” on the leftmost box, the download link will appear inside the main content box. I suggest moving your mouse somewhat north, then west to access the download link. Simply moving your mouse west will change the content to something else.
Too much explanation; you will understand and figure it out yourself when you visit the site.

I personally use this exercise for relaxation, to begin meditating or to fall asleep when necessary. 🙂

Take care
 
[God] loves you, but even more – He longs for you. He misses you when you don’t come close. He thirsts for you. He loves you always, even when you don’t feel worthy. Even if you are not accepted by others, even by yourself sometimes – He is the one who always accepts you.
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My children, you don’t have to be different for Jesus to love you. Only believe – you are precious to Him. Bring all you are suffering to His feet – only open your heart to be loved by Him as you are. He will do the rest.
Blessed Teresa of Calcutta
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