Is it a sin to fall in love for someone who is already in a relationship?

[shanishani7]

Long story short, I did not know he has girlfriend at first until later. And as soon as I knew it I tried to keep distance, but because he is my colleague, we see everyday and are very good friend. We never have any dating yet. I already tried my best to hide my feeling but my emotions always got affected by him.

I never want to ruin others relationship or hurt anyone, but I cannot find a way out to solve this. He also looked hurt and sad when I stay away from him. It is also impossible to quit my job.

I have prayed on this but I still struggle for a few months already. What I worry is that I will hurt his gf, him or most probably myself.

Please any advice? What should I do?

 

[Naskor]

As Catholics, we don’t believe in “falling” for someone. Love isn’t an emotion or feeling. It is a deliberate action and choice we make everyday.

Realize that you don’t love him, but find him attractive. There is no sin in that.

It does become sinful once you start lusting after him. If this has been going on for months I suggest you get spiritual advisement to help learn if it is infatuation or lust you have.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Long story short, I did not know he has girlfriend at first until later. And as soon as I knew it I tried to keep distance, but because he is my colleague, we see everyday and are very good friend. We never have any dating yet. I already tried my best to hide my feeling but my emotions always got affected by him.

I never want to ruin others relationship or hurt anyone, but I cannot find a way out to solve this. He also looked hurt and sad when I stay away from him. It is also impossible to quit my job.

I have prayed on this but I still struggle for a few months already. What I worry is that I will hurt his gf, him or most probably myself.

Please any advice? What should I do?

If you love him in a Christian way, then you won’t take any action to mess up his life.

Date other folks, focus on what you can have vice things you can’t.

 

[GEddie]

It is not a sin to “fall in love.” We should be aware, however, that that is less “love” than just a body function.

The Christian thing to do in this instance is to avoid any action that might muck up his life; even if that causes pain.

ICXC NIKA

 

[Ph0enix]

Define love

do you simply have a crush on them

or are you dating them(leading to adultery)

 

[shanishani7]

As Catholics, we don’t believe in “falling” for someone. Love isn’t an emotion or feeling. It is a deliberate action and choice we make everyday.

Realize that you don’t love him, but find him attractive. There is no sin in that.

It does become sinful once you start lusting after him. If this has been going on for months I suggest you get spiritual advisement to help learn if it is infatuation or lust you have.

I still have a “desire” that I can be with him one day but I know he has girlfriend already, and this also cause pain as I know its impossible. And this desire also brings me guilt, I feel as if I desire something belonging to someone else.

 

[shanishani7]

It is not a sin to “fall in love.” We should be aware, however, that that is less “love” than just a body function.

The Christian thing to do in this instance is to avoid any action that might muck up his life; even if that causes pain.

ICXC NIKA

The desire makes me feel pain and guilt. Should I stay away from him? But this will hurt him and its hard to stay away in the same office.

 

[EasterJoy]

Of course you may have contact with men you find attractive. If not, how could people of the opposite sex work together? You do have to exercise self-control and refrain from flirting with someone you know has been leading someone else to believe he is interested in her.

Behave as you would if she were standing there. Avoid flirting and near occasions of sin as earnestly as if you knew she had a hidden camera on you, and she was a good friend who trusts you. You won’t ever go wrong with that.

That is the key when you start having strong feelings for him: that is, think of her and a) how you would want her to act if the tables were turned and b) how you will want to be seen on that day when "*whatever you have said in the darkness will be heard in the light, and what you have whispered behind closed doors will be proclaimed on the housetops *(Luke 12:3). That is living with integrity. If you ever suffer for it, Heaven will reward you.

I would explain to him that you are only putting in space between yourself and him because of her feelings, just as you know he would hope *she *will act with the men she runs into while he is at work. Tell him, “I want you to be happy with the woman you choose. I would never do anything to hurt her, and I will act around you the way I would expect myself to act with men if I were married myself.” Let me tell you, if nothing comes of their budding relationship, that attitude will be something that will impress a good man more than flirting ever would.

 

[EasterJoy]

The desire makes me feel pain and guilt. Should I stay away from him? But this will hurt him and its hard to stay away in the same office.

What would you do if you were married? Get off of this idea that you cannot be around an attractive man that you cannot have. When you marry yourself, every attractive man save your husband will be an attractive man you cannot have. Anything else is the tempter trying to make you suffer so that you’ll rationalize sin later.

You have more self-control than that. Treat men you cannot have as brothers, like your relatives, or like a priest. Respect the ties that bind them, respect your own worth, and remind yourself that this kind of self-control is pleasing to God and not so difficult once you have the habit as the tempter will tell you it is while you are learning it.

Treat these attractions as flood waters, though. Sexual attraction is a force of nature, like floodwater. A few inches of flood water will sweep away a car! A little sexual attraction will sweep people away, too, if they are too proud and think they are strong enough to withstand anything. The key is not to be “strong” but to recognize the force as too much for you to handle alone, stay on high ground and hold fast to what is truly secure. (When you see flood water, you should not *feel *afraid, but you should always remain prudent in how you act around it!!)

 

[EasterJoy]

I still have a “desire” that I can be with him one day but I know he has girlfriend already, and this also cause pain as I know its impossible. And this desire also brings me guilt, I feel as if I desire something belonging to someone else.

Think of him as off the market, and if he breaks up with his girlfriend wait for awhile before you even think about dating him yourself. What would you tell him? You will tell him, “You just broke up, and you ought to give yourself some time. I like you, but I don’t want to be your ‘rebound girl.’ Get your feet under you, forget about dating me for awhile. That is just off the table. I’ll be your friend, just like before, but that’s all.”

Avoid the “for now.” That is implied, even if you don’t say it. If you do say it, you may as well say, “I’m not against the rebound thing, but I need to postpone it, for appearance’s sake.” Avoid doing that to yourself or to him.

 

[shanishani7]

Of course you may have contact with men you find attractive. If not, how could people of the opposite sex work together? You do have to exercise self-control and refrain from flirting with someone you know has been leading someone else to believe he is interested in her.

Behave as you would if she were standing there. Avoid flirting and near occasions of sin as earnestly as if you knew she had a hidden camera on you, and she was a good friend who trusts you. You won’t ever go wrong with that.

That is the key when you start having strong feelings for him: that is, think of her and a) how you would want her to act if the tables were turned and b) how you will want to be seen on that day when "*whatever you have said in the darkness will be heard in the light, and what you have whispered behind closed doors will be proclaimed on the housetops *(Luke 12:3). That is living with integrity. If you ever suffer for it, Heaven will reward you.

I would explain to him that you are only putting in space between yourself and him because of her feelings, just as you know he would hope *she *will act with the men she runs into while he is at work. Tell him, “I want you to be happy with the woman you choose. I would never do anything to hurt her, and I will act around you the way I would expect myself to act with men if I were married myself.” Let me tell you, if nothing comes of their budding relationship, that attitude will be something that will impress a good man more than flirting ever would.

Thanks for all the advices.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thanks for all the advices.

Don’t be embarrassed! I think it speaks well of you that you are concerned both about the feelings of your co-worker and the feelings of his girlfriend whom you have never met. You’re trying to do right by all involved, here, which is a refreshing change from “all is fair in love and war.” Whoever gets you will get a good catch, I’m thinking!

 

[GreyWings]

Long story short, I did not know he has girlfriend at first until later. And as soon as I knew it I tried to keep distance, but because he is my colleague, we see everyday and are very good friend. We never have any dating yet. I already tried my best to hide my feeling but my emotions always got affected by him.

I never want to ruin others relationship or hurt anyone, but I cannot find a way out to solve this. He also looked hurt and sad when I stay away from him. It is also impossible to quit my job.

I have prayed on this but I still struggle for a few months already. What I worry is that I will hurt his gf, him or most probably myself.

Please any advice? What should I do?

Unrequited love. It hurts.

But the thing with unrequited love, is that you can love the person still, and if it is love, let them go.

Love is letting someone go.

You know that old, cheesy saying? “Let them go, and if it’s meant to be it’ll come back to you?” (Or, er, something like that.) That is the case here.

So, love him - it is okay to love someone in agape, but eros love cannot be as it wouldn’t be fair to you or to him or to his girlfriend.

It’s okay. Let him go.

God Bless
GW

 

[shanishani7]

Unrequited love. It hurts.

But the thing with unrequited love, is that you can love the person still, and if it is love, let them go.

Love is letting someone go.

You know that old, cheesy saying? “Let them go, and if it’s meant to be it’ll come back to you?” (Or, er, something like that.) That is the case here.

So, love him - it is okay to love someone in agape, but eros love cannot be as it wouldn’t be fair to you or to him or to his girlfriend.

It’s okay. Let him go.

God Bless
GW

yes it hurts.

I also planned to let him go, but how? stay away and avoid him?

Its hard to let go someone we need to see and talk everyday… If we don’t see, its easier to forget and let go…

 

[EasterJoy]

yes it hurts.

I also planned to let him go, but how? stay away and avoid him?

Its hard to let go someone we need to see and talk everyday… If we don’t see, its easier to forget and let go…

I would work on thinking of his girlfriend as someone who can trust you. Think of her being able to listen to what you say, being able to see how you act, think of her thanking you for being decent and seeing her boyfriend as someone who will be happy with her, and act so that she will trust you.

Again: If this is how you act and things do not work out with her, well, this fellow will know you have integrity. He will understand why you are saying, “No, you have a girlfriend, I think you are a great guy that any woman would find attractive, that is* not *a good idea even if she would be OK with it. Let us do _____, instead.” Likewise, if he breaks up with her and says, “hey, now we’re broken up, what do you say?” you would say, “I want you to be sure you are ready for someone else. Let one thing heal up before you jump back into the arena.”

Of course, you know the old cautions about even *thinking about *falling for someone at work. If you think what you are going through now is bad, consider what it would be like if he just broke up with you via text message or you just found out you can’t trust him and broke up with him. You would feel like you were having hot oil poured down your back whenever you went to work. Think about that before you get interested in him at all, even if he is available. As Our Lord said, before you jump in, count the cost. That goes for little things like this, not just the big question.

 

[chevalier]

It wouldn’t be a sin to fall in love with a married person, it would only be a sin to act on that — and only act in a destructive way. For the record, those feelings aren’t even evil, it’s not like it’s your fault or whatever — as long as you don’t start doing what really is wrong. To some extent pesky feelings are like bodily ailments; you can’t just wish them away, they won’t disappear just because you don’t want them to be there. And, again, it’s not your fault that they won’t.

People in relationships aren’t married to each other. Strictly speaking, they are not off limits. You are correct in not wanting to destabilize and bring chaos into their existing relationships for no good reason, but also, ultimately, those folks aren’t married to each other and are still free to make different choices.

So, I’d say, respect the relationship they already have together, whatever they have built and invested in, or their happiness together, don’t jeopardize it lightly, but at the same time don’t regard them the same as married, which they are not.

 

[Convert_in_99]

This.

Also, once you are married you will be in a permanent commitment and these feelings (and you will be tempted with the rest of us) if willed would be adulterous. Practice for the future and find someone that’s not in a relationship. Trust me, I know that waiting is so hard to do when you are single. :console:

 

[shanishani7]

It wouldn’t be a sin to fall in love with a married person, it would only be a sin to act on that — and only act in a destructive way. For the record, those feelings aren’t even evil, it’s not like it’s your fault or whatever — as long as you don’t start doing what really is wrong. To some extent pesky feelings are like bodily ailments; you can’t just wish them away, they won’t disappear just because you don’t want them to be there. And, again, it’s not your fault that they won’t.

People in relationships aren’t married to each other. Strictly speaking, they are not off limits. You are correct in not wanting to destabilize and bring chaos into their existing relationships for no good reason, but also, ultimately, those folks aren’t married to each other and are still free to make different choices.

So, I’d say, respect the relationship they already have together, whatever they have built and invested in, or their happiness together, don’t jeopardize it lightly, but at the same time don’t regard them the same as married, which they are not.

Thanks…
I am still struggling on this…

 

[shanishani7]

This.

Also, once you are married you will be in a permanent commitment and these feelings (and you will be tempted with the rest of us) if willed would be adulterous. Practice for the future and find someone that’s not in a relationship. Trust me, I know that waiting is so hard to do when you are single. :console:

Thanks… I can’t leave, there is no way out for me… I tried to keep distance, but he still finds me always maybe treat me as very good frd or likes me… I never asked… but he says he seldom meets with gf as she is busy… im not sure if its true or not but he seems to be honest…
Ah… I want to end this actually… but I dun want to lose this frd as he has good personality… and worth being a true frd at least…

i dunno what to do…

 

[EasterJoy]

Thanks… I can’t leave, there is no way out for me… I tried to keep distance, but he still finds me always maybe treat me as very good frd or likes me… I never asked… but he says he seldom meets with gf as she is busy… im not sure if its true or not but he seems to be honest…
Ah… I want to end this actually… but I dun want to lose this frd as he has good personality… and worth being a true frd at least…

i dunno what to do…

Be up front. “I enjoy having you as a friend, but does your girlfriend know how much time we spend together? Doesn’t it bother her? She would be within her rights; not many women want their boyfriend to be spending time with other women they don’t know about and aren’t friends with, too.”

If you really never ever want to be in a relationship with him, then you add: “I just want to watch out for her. I would hate to damage anything between you and her over a friendship that is just a friendship.” Then if he says, “What do you mean, just a friendship? Do you mean you’d never date me?” you say, “I’d set you up with a friend, but I don’t see the two of us together.”

If he says, “no, it doesn’t bother her,” you can say, “well, why haven’t you introduced me? Doesn’t she want to get to know all of your female friends? I know I would.”