Is it a sin to go to confession under these circumstances?

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lefty22

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I’m 16 (almost 17, if that makes any difference), and I’m struggling to overcome a masturbation addiction. I don’t have my license yet and my parents and I don’t have a very open relationship when it comes to faith. They are Catholics but don’t really do confession. I’m not sure if they would actually say no if I asked if they could take me, but either way, they would ask me a lot of questions I don’t want to answer at this point.

So, my question: my older brother and I will be out at a friend’s house this afternoon. I asked my brother if he could drive me to confession at a nearby church afterwards. He hasn’t given me a definite no yet, but he says it’s dishonest to do it behind my parents’ backs. What do you all think? I asked him whether or not he’d take me if my parents said no when I asked them and he said he wouldn’t, which only makes me less inclined to ask them in the first place because I need confession really badly. If I don’t go today, I have no idea when another opportunity to go might come up (it could be months), and I can tell some of this sin is getting between me and God, so I’m pretty desperate to go.

Would it be a sin to have my brother take me today without my parents knowing? Quick replies would be appreciated!

Thanks and God bless,
~lefty22
 
It would never, under any circumstances I can think of, including these, to go to confession.

I mean, it’s not really any business of your parents if you confess your sins to a priest anyways.
 
lefty22 said:
I’m 16 (almost 17, if that makes any difference), and I’m struggling to overcome a masturbation addiction. I don’t have my license yet and my parents and I don’t have a very open relationship when it comes to faith. They are Catholics but don’t really do confession. I’m not sure if they would actually say no if I asked if they could take me, but either way, they would ask me a lot of questions I don’t want to answer at this point.

So, my question: my older brother and I will be out at a friend’s house this afternoon. I asked my brother if he could drive me to confession at a nearby church afterwards. He hasn’t given me a definite no yet, but he says it’s dishonest to do it behind my parents’ backs. What do you all think? I asked him whether or not he’d take me if my parents said no when I asked them and he said he wouldn’t, which only makes me less inclined to ask them in the first place because I need confession really badly. If I don’t go today, I have no idea when another opportunity to go might come up (it could be months), and I can tell some of this sin is getting between me and God, so I’m pretty desperate to go.

Would it be a sin to have my brother take me today without my parents knowing? Quick replies would be appreciated!

Thanks and God bless,
~lefty22
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I don’t think it is but I think when you get there to be sure you should confess and then you will be very sure. 🙂

I also think you need to sit your parents down and work out an agreement involving a “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy with confession.

Also talk to your faith formation teachers and see if they can make this Sacrament available around class times by asking your priest to come by and offer this Sacrament so that you and other students do not run into this type of issue. Our priests do this at my old parish and it seems to work out very well.
 
lefty22 said:
He hasn’t given me a definite no yet, but he says it’s dishonest to do it behind my parents’ backs. What do you all think?

Would it be a sin to have my brother take me today without my parents knowing?
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It is not a sin to go to confession without your parents knowing. Frankly, I am bewildered that your brother would consider this dishonest. As far as I am concerned, he should consider the default answer from them to be “yes”, and so he would be taking you, not only as a favour to your, but a favour to them so they don’t have to drive you.

Unless you’ve lied to them to excuse yourself from the house. That’s lying. Also consider what you’re going to tell them to explain where you were for an hour or two today. And how are you going to get home?

I’m not trying to discourage you from confessing; I want you to frequent the sacrament. But your conduct to and from the sacrament also need to be honest.
 
Please go as soon as possible. There are many things in life that you can exercise no control over, but you can over your own soul and that’s your greatest priority. Remember (or find out about) the sacrifices of a St. Francis of Assisi or a St. Thomas Aquinas (and the countless others) who served God under opposition from their parents and family.
 
I think anyone who would try to prevent you from receiving forgiveness through the Sacrament of Reconciliation is the one who has to worry about being guilty of sin. I certainly wouldn’t want to have to answer for that in front of God.

I think you should talk to your parents though. Right now you’re just assuming they wouldn’t be ok with taking you to confession, but you don’t know for sure. If they do try to prevent you from going or force you to divulge your sins to them then I would try to make an appointment with your priest to discuss your problems with him. But the reasons why you need to go to confession is none of your parents business. That is between you, God, and His representative the confessor.
 
Well…pray about it too.

You know your situation better than anyone. But maybe in a quiet time (with plenty of time before Confession so he can adjust his plans)…ask your Dad. Just in a child like way…look him in the eyes (assuming you’re a male…because most males struggle with this sin) say to him a bit manfully…“Dad, can you please take me to Confession at Saint so and sos…it starts at 3:30 on Saturday” (this helps pin down the request…AND shows you did your homework…AND so he doesn’t look foolish or ignorant for not knowing what time confession is!!. And whatever is his answer you cheerfully obey it. Don’t show disappointment if he declines your wish. Let it sit. Obey.

God knows your effort…he knows you actually tried sincerely.

Over time God will work on your Dad and you’ll get to Confession.

Maybe God can even use your sins…and your generous spirit of contrition…to help your parents return more frequently to the great Sacrament of Confession.

God Bless.
 
I think people, nowadays, have the wrong idea of Confession. They have had such poor catechesis about what really is matter for confession, so they think that Confession is only for murderers. People would not believe that they actually have things that they need to confess on a regular basis. So, realize that part of your problem lies in the meager formation that is out there.

Keeping that in mind, we can look at this as an opportunity to evangelize and catechize your family by your actions. You can tell your parents that the Church recommends frequent recourse to the Sacrament of Confession, and you are wanting to get back into shape spiritually by going to regular confession. Invite them to join you, and ask them to support your decision by driving you to the church on a regular basis. This way, it is not unexpected, and you do not have to feel like you have to justify to them why you need to go each time. That is, as others have mentioned, between you and God.

I would also recommend that you pray about it, pray for your parents, and pray for you to be humble yet firm in your commitment to follow Christ and overcome this sinful habit. God will help you find a way.
 
If you talk to your priest he would probably meet up with you within walking distance. If the weather is nice you could go to a park and find a secluded spot and “walk and talk”.

It would be nice if your parents are on board but don’t let that dissuade you. Call the priest. He can see if someone lives near you who might give you a lift when you feel you need to go.

I’ll be praying for you and it’s wonderful to see younger Catholics to committed to their faith.👍
 
I hope you have been able to go to confession today. I can’t understand why your brother thinks it’s dishonest. If your parents are - in effect - trying to force you to confess to them first, that is totally wrong. You are old enough to know your own mind and it is none of your parents’ business why you want to go to confession. Would you be able to speak to your priest and ask his help? As an earlier poster said, he may be able to find someone willing to give you a lift to confession. I hope he would also speak to your parents and explain the importance of regular confession, that it isn’t just for the worst mortal sins.

If you have been unable to go to confession today and are not able to get help from the priest, then tell your parents that you’ve been reading about the best way of practising your Catholic faith and that you want to start going to confession regularly, even if you haven’t commited a mortal sin. Explain that the Sacrament doesn’t just cleanse you of sin, but helps you to have the strength to avoid sin in the future and that you would like to go for this reason.

I’ll be praying for you.
 
What about starting the First 5 Satutdays devotion to Mary? It involves going to confeesion and receiving the Eucharist on the first Saturday of each month for 5 months. If you can arrange this with your parents, then they won’t ask questions about the frequency of your confessions and you will receive tons of graces! Google the devotion. It is wonderful!
 
Thanks for all the replies, everyone; I appreciate them.

So I didn’t get to confession today. I asked, I begged, I tried to explain to my brother how horrible I feel after I receive Communion in a state of mortal sin (I’m pressured by my parents; I talked to a priest about this, so please don’t tell me that I shouldn’t be doing it… I feel bad enough already), but nothing changed his mind and he insisted that it’s dishonest and it’s fine if I want to do something dishonest, but I can’t drag him into it. Whatever. 🤷

My next question, though: where do I go from here? I’m tempted to ask my parents if I can go to confession on Wednesday, but I’m scared, too, and a little embarrassed. Not only would my parents probably want to know why I want to go and maybe what I want to confess, but they would probably ask me a slew of questions about my faith that at this point I don’t really want to answer. Calling a priest without telling my parents would be easier for me, but I’m afraid that would be wrong, too… what do you all think? Either way, I feel like it’s time to confront this issue rather than keep sidestepping it.

Thanks!
~lefty22
 
lefty22 said:
Thanks for all the replies, everyone; I appreciate them.

So I didn’t get to confession today. I asked, I begged, I tried to explain to my brother how horrible I feel after I receive Communion in a state of mortal sin (I’m pressured by my parents; I talked to a priest about this, so please don’t tell me that I shouldn’t be doing it… I feel bad enough already), but nothing changed his mind and he insisted that it’s dishonest and it’s fine if I want to do something dishonest, but I can’t drag him into it. Whatever. 🤷

My next question, though: where do I go from here? I’m tempted to ask my parents if I can go to confession on Wednesday, but I’m scared, too, and a little embarrassed. Not only would my parents probably want to know why I want to go and maybe what I want to confess, but they would probably ask me a slew of questions about my faith that at this point I don’t really want to answer. Calling a priest without telling my parents would be easier for me, but I’m afraid that would be wrong, too… what do you all think? Either way, I feel like it’s time to confront this issue rather than keep sidestepping it.

Thanks!
~lefty22
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I say call a priest and talk to him on the phone. See if he can arrange to meet you for confession.
 
lefty22 said:
Thanks for all the replies, everyone; I appreciate them.

So I didn’t get to confession today. I asked, I begged, I tried to explain to my brother how horrible I feel after I receive Communion in a state of mortal sin (I’m pressured by my parents; I talked to a priest about this, so please don’t tell me that I shouldn’t be doing it… I feel bad enough already), but nothing changed his mind and he insisted that it’s dishonest and it’s fine if I want to do something dishonest, but I can’t drag him into it. Whatever. 🤷

My next question, though: where do I go from here? I’m tempted to ask my parents if I can go to confession on Wednesday, but I’m scared, too, and a little embarrassed. Not only would my parents probably want to know why I want to go and maybe what I want to confess, but they would probably ask me a slew of questions about my faith that at this point I don’t really want to answer. Calling a priest without telling my parents would be easier for me, but I’m afraid that would be wrong, too… what do you all think? Either way, I feel like it’s time to confront this issue rather than keep sidestepping it.

Thanks!
~lefty22
Click to expand...
Your brother was the one in the wrong. I totally understand why you have to take communion in a state of Mortal Sin, as you are being prevented from attending confession and pressured to take communion. God will understand.

Phone a priest, it is not going behind your parents’ backs. They are the ones who are interfereing with your practice of your religion. Your parents have no right to question you about what you want to confess or your faith, that is totally wrong. Explain this to the priest when you call, as it will help him to understand why you may need help to attend confession.

I would ask the advice of the priest about confronting the issue with your parents. This sounds like it’s a very unhappy situation. You are doing your best in the circumstances, so don’t feel guilty.

And if your brother is more concerned with his stupid idea of “dishonesty” rather than helping his brother to receive absolution for his sins, then he is a very selfish individual. I’m sure if the situation had been the other way round, you would’ve taken him to confession.

I’m praying for you
 
I think you really need to try asking your parents first. From what you have said you are assuming that they will ask you what type of sin you have committed. Your answer to this just needs to be that this is between the priest and you and that you cannot take Eucharist until you have confessed - however if the priest feels that it is part of your penance to tell them than you will. I think this is a solution that you all should be able to live with.
 
Probably late for this, but oh well.

You’re in the right. Confession is between you, the priest and God. No one else has a right to interfere with it, and considering your soul is your most important possession I personally would go whether or not my parents told me I couldn’t. I hope everything works out for you and that you make progress in breaking the habit - I myself struggle with it and I think I have some knowledge of what you’re going through. Just persevere!
 
lefty22 said:
Thanks for all the replies, everyone; I appreciate them.

So I didn’t get to confession today. I asked, I begged, I tried to explain to my brother how horrible I feel after I receive Communion in a state of mortal sin (I’m pressured by my parents; I talked to a priest about this, so please don’t tell me that I shouldn’t be doing it… I feel bad enough already), but nothing changed his mind and he insisted that it’s dishonest and it’s fine if I want to do something dishonest, but I can’t drag him into it. Whatever. 🤷

My next question, though: where do I go from here? I’m tempted to ask my parents if I can go to confession on Wednesday, but I’m scared, too, and a little embarrassed. Not only would my parents probably want to know why I want to go and maybe what I want to confess, but they would probably ask me a slew of questions about my faith that at this point I don’t really want to answer. Calling a priest without telling my parents would be easier for me, but I’m afraid that would be wrong, too… what do you all think? Either way, I feel like it’s time to confront this issue rather than keep sidestepping it.

Thanks!
~lefty22
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Lefty, gave you my best answer in #7 above.
 
I’d just like to bring a section of the Catechism to your attention:

“As long as a child lives at home with his parents, the child should obey his parents in all that they ask of him when it is for his good or that of the family. … But if a child is convinced in good conscience that it would be morally wrong to obey a particular order, he must not do so.” (CCC #2217)*

I can understand why you feel pressured to go to Communion regardless of your spiritual state, but they really can’t force you to go. God knows your situation much better than I do, of course, so I won’t say any more about that.

On the subject of getting to Confession, frankly, given your desciption of your parents, I would think that the biggest danger from telling your father why you want to go to Confession would be that he would refuse to admit that it was a sin at all. Of course I’ve never met him and I might easily be doing him a disservice, but in any case, if you had to tell him, I doubt he would freak out. I totally agree that your parents have no business trying to come between you and God by requiring you to preview your confession to them, but from a purely practical standpoint, this may be your best bet. OTOH, you don’t know that they will ask you about the nature of your sins until you talk to them.

The best thing you can do is to pray before talking to your father (maybe a Rosary for the intention of you understanding each other?), trying to get him alone (some things most mothers really don’t want to talk about with their sons if they can help it!), asking him about taking you to confession, and taking it from there. Don’t assume that you know what he will do, because that will probably make you sound defensive. “… do not be anxious how or what you are to answer or what you are to say; for the Holy Spirit will teach you in that very hour what you ought to say.” (Luke 12:11-12)

And I’d like to add my agreement with everyone who says that your brother is completely in the wrong. I could sympathise if he just wanted to give your parents the chance to do the right thing, but if he feels that they have the right to forbid you Confession, I’d refer him to the bit of the Catechism I quoted above.

May God bless you, help you to get to confession, and uphold you in your faith.

–Jen

*Just to avoid confusion from anyone reading this: This does not mean that you only have to obey your parents if they can convince you what they ask you is for the good of you or the family. If something appears morally neutral, you should obey. Despite appearances, they know more than you do. 😃 Only if you are convinced that what they ask is morally wrong–for example, if they tell you not to go to Confession–should you disobey.
 
starsmurf said:
Your brother was the one in the wrong. I totally understand why you have to take communion in a state of Mortal Sin, as you are being prevented from attending confession and pressured to take communion. God will understand.

Phone a priest, it is not going behind your parents’ backs. They are the ones who are interfereing with your practice of your religion. Your parents have no right to question you about what you want to confess or your faith, that is totally wrong. Explain this to the priest when you call, as it will help him to understand why you may need help to attend confession.

I would ask the advice of the priest about confronting the issue with your parents. This sounds like it’s a very unhappy situation. You are doing your best in the circumstances, so don’t feel guilty.

And if your brother is more concerned with his stupid idea of “dishonesty” rather than helping his brother to receive absolution for his sins, then he is a very selfish individual. I’m sure if the situation had been the other way round, you would’ve taken him to confession.

I’m praying for you
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Is it possible to invite your priest over for a visit? That might work.
 
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