Is it a sin to not be with your husband?

[WoundedChild]

I have a good marriage…I really love my husband and am attracted to him…or was. This issue has nothing to do with how I feel about him.

But recently I have discovered that as a child I was molested…and I am struggling to work through it…with memories flooding in.

The problem is that I just don’t even really want to be touched right now…much less be intiment…the one time I tried…I had tears running down my face.

Now I know that lust is a particular area where he falls…is it a sin for me not to be close with him in that way right now while I heal?

 

[Bookcat]

In this particular case – it would be good to perhaps discuss with your confessor and your husband.

 

[johnnyjones]

I am not a psychotherapist but sometimes common sense can be applied. I don’t think it is a sin not to be with your husband, but what are you doing to “heal”? Thinking about the act and just waiting for it to go away?
My personal view is that you should engage in intimacy with your husband, you are married, and intimacy only enhances trust. You must learn to overcome unwanted devious sexual acts with proper sexual acts, and much of that intimacy can be embracing and communicating.

Married couples going through a period of “not liking” one another often find sexuality or some form of intimacy part of the healing process. The experience is an endorphine enhancer, a re-establishing of the emotional bond, and a reminder of love.

 

[WoundedChild]

In this particular case – it would be good to perhaps discuss with your confessor and your husband.

I have talked a little about it with my husband…too embarrased to discuss it with my confessor…jeez when I told him what I suspected about my childhood (because of my failure in trying to deal with it) I blushed as much as you can imagine.

 

[thesmiter1]

I have talked a little about it with my husband…too embarrased to discuss it with my confessor…jeez when I told him what I suspected about my childhood (because of my failure in trying to deal with it) I blushed as much as you can imagine.

You should feel no shame in what happened. This will only keep you from healing. You MUST talk with your spiritual director/confessor and a therapist! Healing is available, and you shouldn’t feel shame in getting it.

That is all I feel qualified to say. If you don’t want to have intimate relations with your husband, tell him so, and abstain for a while.

Remember that you are loved by God and healing will come if you seek it! God bless.

 

[agnes_therese]

I am not a psychotherapist but sometimes common sense can be applied.

Recovering from child abuse takes a LOT more than common sense.

I don’t think it is a sin not to be with your husband, but what are you doing to “heal”? Thinking about the act and just waiting for it to go away?

I’m sure you didn’t mean it that way, but that comes across as just very cold.

WoundedChild, you should look into getting some counselling for yourself, and possibly some joint counselling for you and your husband. He almost certainly has no idea what you’re going through; I don’t think even you really do, yet. It would be irresponsible for non-professional strangers, such as we CAF posters, to say you should be intimate with your husband right now. You’re obviously not ready, and you need some help to work through this.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Seek help through a counselor. Catholic Charities in your area may have someone qualified, and if not, they can refer you to someone who specializes in childhood sexual trauma. Talk to your husband frankly, let him know that you want to get help and not just wallow in your misery. Do not cut yourself off from his love! Give him some hope that he can have intimacy with you. It is hard for men to connect to us without sexual intimacy. Please work hard to resolve this problem!

:grouphug:

And although I think it wouldn’t hurt to talk to a priest, you don’t need to go to confession since you didn’t do anything wrong!

 

[WoundedChild]

I am not a psychotherapist but sometimes common sense can be applied. I don’t think it is a sin not to be with your husband, but what are you doing to “heal”? Thinking about the act and just waiting for it to go away?
My personal view is that you should engage in intimacy with your husband, you are married, and intimacy only enhances trust. You must learn to overcome unwanted devious sexual acts with proper sexual acts, and much of that intimacy can be embracing and communicating.

Married couples going through a period of “not liking” one another often find sexuality or some form of intimacy part of the healing process. The experience is an endorphine enhancer, a re-establishing of the emotional bond, and a reminder of love.

Well…my way right now of healing is therapy. The sex part just puts me into a flashback right now…as I have tried…

 

[Bookcat]

Could there be a kind of “impossibility” (etc) present that would make it fine to forgo marital relations for the time being? Such can be I would think the case. I am speaking in the speculative realm though–I am not fitted to give specific advice etc in your case.

But ones confessor (in the secrecy of the confessional…with that nice screen etc…)…is better situated guide one in these matters…(details may not be much needed for such a discussion)

Jesus the *Good Shepherd *loves you dearly

Mary Star of hope pray for our sister!

 

[johnnyjones]

Recovering from child abuse takes a LOT more than common sense.

I’m sure you didn’t mean it that way, but that comes across as just very cold.

WoundedChild, you should look into getting some counselling for yourself, and possibly some joint counselling for you and your husband. He almost certainly has no idea what you’re going through; I don’t think even you really do, yet. It would be irresponsible for non-professional strangers, such as we CAF posters, to say you should be intimate with your husband right now. You’re obviously not ready, and you need some help to work through this.

Theres always someone like you that has to jump in and knock opinion and a laymans common sense approach. I’m offended that you said it was “cold”. I’m recovered from alcoholism 20 years which involved much common sense and helping others. “Cold” to you.

Don’t tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about. I have known several women (and men) who have been abused sexually and admitted that getting in touch with true sexuality helped them. Obviously this was not done immediatly after abuse but the OP is not talking about recent abuse. Don’t ASSUME I don’t know what someone is going through, my girlfriend is an abuse victim. How rude!

 

[hannajomar]

It is a sin to refuse relations if you don’t “feel like it” or would prefer not to.
You may refuse for a grave reason. And you certainly have a grave reason.
If you feel comfortable answering, what has your husband’s reaction been to all of this?

I am very sorry to hear what you are going through. I’ve known others who have experienced this, and my heart breaks.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Well…my way right now of healing is therapy. The sex part just puts me into a flashback right now…as I have tried…

Has your therapist spoken with your husband yet? I think this should include both of you, since you are one in marriage.

 

[johnnyjones]

Well…my way right now of healing is therapy. The sex part just puts me into a flashback right now…as I have tried…

I understand, therapy is a good start. My desire was to help you and point out that sex in and of itself is not the “enemy” and that true intimacy can conquer a horrible sexual experience.

I have seen this in those I know. The reason it can help if because you learn to associate good feelings and pleasure with sex and deprogram from the harsh unwanted act. I respect the course of action you are taking and simply provided some basic approach to this issue. Of course it involves more than just diving into bed. Right minded sexuality was my aim.

 

[DarkLight]

Remember that in the teaching of the church, sex is a unitive act. The church regards sex merely to satisfy the desires of either partner to be a sin. Work towards that. I am not married but I am an abuse survivor - I know when people have pushed me in ways that I was not ready it only increased the damage and made me more distant.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

Seek help through a counselor. Catholic Charities in your area may have someone qualified, and if not, they can refer you to someone who specializes in childhood sexual trauma. Talk to your husband frankly, let him know that you want to get help and not just wallow in your misery. Do not cut yourself off from his love! Give him some hope that he can have intimacy with you. It is hard for men to connect to us without sexual intimacy. Please work hard to resolve this problem!

I think this is great advice, TRJ, and since we disagree so often, I’m obliged to make special note of the times we do agree.

Original poster, perhaps it would help to think about it like this:

1. Your Husband’s role should be to recognize that you are struggling with this problem and accept it. He should delay intimate contact while helping you work through the problem. In short, your husband should delay contact while it is causing you emotional pain.
2. Your role, as a Wife, should be to earnestly try to work through these problems, putting the full effort of your being into resolving these problems, such that you and your husband can experience the fullness of the marital embrace.

In other words, I think it’s OK to delay contact, so long as you are earnest in your efforts to work through the situation. I pray that your husband will be patient with you as long as he must be denied the embrace, and that you will be patient with him, understanding that being denied the embrace is also very painful.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I think this is great advice, TRJ, and since we disagree so often, I’m obliged to make special note of the times we do agree.

Really??? I guess I don’t notice, you must keep it to yourself. I can’t respond on the World News forum any more (although I did today, once ) so don’t expect any controversy from me over there.

 

[ValPal]

Seek help through a counselor. Catholic Charities in your area may have someone qualified, and if not, they can refer you to someone who specializes in childhood sexual trauma. Talk to your husband frankly, let him know that you want to get help and not just wallow in your misery. Do not cut yourself off from his love! Give him some hope that he can have intimacy with you. It is hard for men to connect to us without sexual intimacy. Please work hard to resolve this problem!

I concur.

I know people that have had to deal with this, and it is very tough situation to deal with. An understanding spouse and good therapist (an absolute must) will help you through this situation. As bad as all this is, the OP should keep in mind that none of this is her fault, the situation has ended, and that she is supported by caring people.

 

[agnes_therese]

Theres always someone like you that has to jump in and knock opinion and a laymans common sense approach. I’m offended that you said it was “cold”. I’m recovered from alcoholism 20 years which involved much common sense and helping others. “Cold” to you.

I guess you missed the part where I CLEARLY said “I’m sure you didn’t mean it that way.” Or did you just choose to ignore it so that you could be offended?

Don’t tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about. I have known several women (and men) who have been abused sexually and admitted that getting in touch with true sexuality helped them. Obviously this was not done immediatly after abuse but the OP is not talking about recent abuse. Don’t ASSUME I don’t know what someone is going through, my girlfriend is an abuse victim. How rude!

I have some very bad news for you. This thread isn’t about you and the fact that you don’t think “someone like me” has the right to disagree with you. No, she’s not talking about recent abuse – but she clearly said that she RECENTLY discovered it. And that takes time to deal with. That’s common sense.

 

[Listener]

I can certainly understand why someone who was molested as a child would have a problem that would require some counseling. What I can’t understand is how someone could “suddenly discover” this. Wouldn’t it be something you would remember your entire life?

 

[hannajomar]

I can certainly understand why someone who was molested as a child would have a problem that would require some counseling. What I can’t understand is how someone could “suddenly discover” this. Wouldn’t it be something you would remember your entire life?

It’s actually quite common for survivors of sexual assault. From what I’ve read, it’s basically an emotional survival mechanism because the trauma was just too emotionally overwhelming to deal with at the time. I don’t know why the memories disappear and then come back, but it does happen. I’ve been studying this a lot because someone I love is going through something similar.