Is it a sin to not be with your husband?

[WoundedChild]

It’s actually quite common for survivors of sexual assault. From what I’ve read, it’s basically an emotional survival mechanism because the trauma was just too emotionally overwhelming to deal with at the time. I don’t know why the memories disappear and then come back, but it does happen. I’ve been studying this a lot because someone I love is going through something similar.

Exactly! To be fair…If you asked me a year ago I would not have thought that could happen. Then I was at a parish mission and its like a crack opened. I have tried to deny it and shove pandora back in the box but it just didn’t work…

And the memories and details don’t all come back at once.

 

[johnnyjones]

I guess you missed the part where I CLEARLY said “I’m sure you didn’t mean it that way.” Or did you just choose to ignore it so that you could be offended?

I have some very bad news for you. This thread isn’t about you and the fact that you don’t think “someone like me” has the right to disagree with you. No, she’s not talking about recent abuse – but she clearly said that she RECENTLY discovered it. And that takes time to deal with. That’s common sense.

These are your words, read them again: "He almost certainly has no idea what you’re going through; I don’t think even you really do, yet. It would be irresponsible for non-professional strangers, such as we CAF posters, to say you should be intimate with your husband right now. You’re obviously not ready, and you need some help to work through this.

When you accuse me of certainly not knowing what someone is going through, the thread opens up to me giving backround about myself. I’m also a former law enforcement officer and have seen much abuse, more than you could imagine.

With your logic, who are you to give an opinion and say to her “your obviously not ready”. Is that your special common sense? We give advice based on life experience. You may have some but offered none and were quick to render judgment on my words. You tell me my advice is wrong but go on to give her your full assessment.

No, I’m not looking to be offended, but apparently you have no ability to tell when your doing it to someone by saying they don’t know what their talking about. Regaining intimacy is a an important step , especially if the abuse was not recent. You have a convoluted way of addressing people. Shoot and ask no questions later.

 

[ValPal]

Hey, I’m no stranger to long, off-topic dissertations…it’s practically my motif

But in this case, we’re dealing with a child abuse victim, and I’d really recommend that the focus be on that person, and the help and sympathy she needs, rather than the pointless banter. I’ve known some people that have gone through that, and it is devastating.

 

[fpt]

I have a good marriage…I really love my husband and am attracted to him…or was. This issue has nothing to do with how I feel about him.

But recently I have discovered that as a child I was molested…and I am struggling to work through it…with memories flooding in.

The problem is that I just don’t even really want to be touched right now…much less be intiment…the one time I tried…I had tears running down my face.

Now I know that lust is a particular area where he falls…is it a sin for me not to be close with him in that way right now while I heal?

You have the right to get help. You need to be helped (physically, physiologically, psychologically, mentally, emotionally, sentimentally, spiritually, religiously) by catholic professionals. You need time to cure and to recover. Your husband should be your helper, you best friend, your boy friend, your lovable partner, and a patient lover. He has to understand your difficult situation. He has to make efforts for you. You need to visit together the professionals in order to find the best way for solving the horrible effects of this molestation.

Pray together, go to the mass together, talk together about your fears, your hopes, your solutions, your dreams, your future…etc. Communication is the key.

In your situation, the refusal of marital act, is not, immoral, of course. It is not your personal will without good reason. You have good reasons (objective, real, fair, serious): it is not sinful.

But, you have to need to want to solve and to overcome this situation. It is your personal moral obligation. According to your message, you are in this case, it is the nice way for being in better situation. In addition, you need to try, very softly, of reactivating your conjugal sexuality (step by step, very gently).

 

[agnes_therese]

These are your words, read them again: "He almost certainly has no idea what you’re going through; I don’t think even you really do, yet. It would be irresponsible for non-professional strangers, such as we CAF posters, to say you should be intimate with your husband right now. You’re obviously not ready, and you need some help to work through this.

When you accuse me of certainly not knowing what someone is going through, the thread opens up to me giving backround about myself. I’m also a former law enforcement officer and have seen much abuse, more than you could imagine.
. . .
No, I’m not looking to be offended, but apparently you have no ability to tell when your doing it to someone by saying they don’t know what their talking about.

This thread is supposed to be about helping the OP, but I’m not going to be accused of saying something I didn’t say.
Again, you selectively leave out part of my post: “WoundedChild, you should look into getting some counselling for yourself, and possibly some joint counselling** for you and your husband. He almost certainly has no idea what you’re going through.”**

The reference to not know what she’s going through was CLEARLY referencing her husband.

Please stop trying to make this thread about you. WoundedChild is the one hurting. And to give you no further excuse to claim I’m talking about you when I’m not, you’re now on my ignore list, and I won’t even see your posts. You’ll have to find offense somewhere else.

 

[johnnyjones]

This thread is supposed to be about helping the OP, but I’m not going to be accused of saying something I didn’t say.
Again, you selectively leave out part of my post: “WoundedChild, you should look into getting some counselling for yourself, and possibly some joint counselling** for you and your husband. He almost certainly has no idea what you’re going through.”**

The reference to not know what she’s going through was CLEARLY referencing her husband.

Please stop trying to make this thread about you. WoundedChild is the one hurting. And to give you no further excuse to claim I’m talking about you when I’m not, you’re now on my ignore list, and I won’t even see your posts. You’ll have to find offense somewhere else.

If it’s irresponsible for strangers and non professionals to help the OP as you state, why have a CAF forum and give any advise or tell her anything as you did?

How do you know she is “OBVIOUSLY not ready”?

YOU sidetracked the thread by typing away with your own preconceived view when you attacked me and called me irresponsible. You think because after you call me cold and then cover yourself with a nice phrase your hands are clean.

No, I find offense when I’m called irresponsible and you would too, especially if the topic hits home. Yes “GO PRAY” and think about the word “irresponsible” and “cold” that you casually threw at someone else you didn’t know who was trying to help an abuse victim. Your reaction is disgraceful.

 

[Ignatius]

I have a good marriage…I really love my husband and am attracted to him…or was. This issue has nothing to do with how I feel about him.

But recently I have discovered that as a child I was molested…and I am struggling to work through it…with memories flooding in.

The problem is that I just don’t even really want to be touched right now…much less be intiment…the one time I tried…I had tears running down my face.

Now I know that lust is a particular area where he falls…is it a sin for me not to be close with him in that way right now while I heal?

No, and there is help from Rachel’s Vinyard Ministries for women who have traumatic experiences such as rape, molestation or abortion. Here is their contact info: rachelsvineyard.org/