Is it a sin to not help my brother?

[AskSeekKnock]

He’s in his late 20s, with a history of some learning and emotional difficulties. Until last fall, he lived with our mother. She provided for all his needs, and he was never appreciative. She provided 6 years of tuition at a community college, and he passed three classes during that time. She paid for full-time coursework, which he would neglect and then withdraw at the deadline, leading to no refund and no credit earned.

Last summer he met a girl and last fall moved in with her (they are the same age), at the time she was still legally married to someone else but the divorce has since been finalized. When he signed on to the lease with her, he was unemployed. He was in school that semester, but has since dropped out. A series of bad financial decisions later (including first class travel, electronics, multiple exotic pets) his small savings account is gone, he works part time for minimum wage, she doesn’t work, and despite public assistance they feel they can’t make ends meet. He repeatedly is asking me for money.

I could help him, but not without impact to my own family, which includes small children, and meanwhile it seems to me I’d only be aiding and enabling his bad decisions. But sometimes I read a devotion about giving to the poor, caring for each other, ‘the least of these’, and so on and wonder whether the bigger thing to do isn’t to give according to need rather than according to merit, as Jesus has so lovingly done for us.

He could return to living with our mother, but refuses to do so.

WWYD?

 

[PatriceA]

I’d offer him a free meal, a chance to earn the money perhaps doing some yard work for you or some jobs around the house. Perhaps when grocery shopping, buy extra and give to him, something along those lines. But I wouldn’t just give him the money given the history you’ve provided. He’s not actually doing anything to change his lot in life except ask for handouts. There is a difference between helping family financially that have found themselves in hard times due to a sudden job loss or death in the family or other emergency situation vs. family that has made their financial hardship through their own making and bad decisions. And I’d certainly tell him I’d be praying for him and his situation.

 

[Bklynguy]

He’s in his late 20s, with a history of some learning and emotional difficulties. Until last fall, he lived with our mother. She provided for all his needs, and he was never appreciative. She provided 6 years of tuition at a community college, and he passed three classes during that time. She paid for full-time coursework, which he would neglect and then withdraw at the deadline, leading to no refund and no credit earned.

Last summer he met a girl and last fall moved in with her (they are the same age), at the time she was still legally married to someone else but the divorce has since been finalized. When he signed on to the lease with her, he was unemployed. He was in school that semester, but has since dropped out. A series of bad financial decisions later (including first class travel, electronics, multiple exotic pets) his small savings account is gone, he works part time for minimum wage, she doesn’t work, and despite public assistance they feel they can’t make ends meet. He repeatedly is asking me for money.

I could help him, but not without impact to my own family, which includes small children, and meanwhile it seems to me I’d only be aiding and enabling his bad decisions. But sometimes I read a devotion about giving to the poor, caring for each other, ‘the least of these’, and so on and wonder whether the bigger thing to do isn’t to give according to need rather than according to merit, as Jesus has so lovingly done for us.

He could return to living with our mother, but refuses to do so.

WWYD?

I would not give him a dime, especially considering you have a family of your own. Your brother would hardly be considered one of the “least of these,” as he is a very able young man who seems unable or unwilling to learn from his series of bad decisions. He will now be forced to get on the straight and arrow, but it will be a bumpy ride.

This is not your problem at all.

 

[Bartolome_Casas]

Give NO monetary assistance. NONE!

But freely give him brotherly concern, advice, fellowship, sympathy, empathy, etc., if he is receptive to these from you.

He IS your brother, and ALWAYS will be.

A principal can kick a lazy, disruptive student out of school. A coach can kick a disrespectful player off the team. But a blood brother you cannot just discard (except in extreme cases, such as violence, etc.)

From how you describe him, his main problem is “characterlogical,” i.e., he is lacking in virtue and not lacking in vices. So, like so many of the homeless people who beg for money for booze, he probably will not be receptive to mere brotherly fellowship, at least not at the present time. But, be patient.

Hard times can be a developer of virtue, and can “burn” the vices out of us.

Don’t cut him off and cast him out for good, even if he cusses you out. Be patient, be forgiving. Just never give into his manipulations to make you give him money, not even ONCE. If you do, then that is your “characterlogical” weakness. And take precautions so that he doesn’t take advantage of your friendliness by stealing from you.

Yes, devotions and the Scriptures do make it a serious duty to help the poor. But when those were written, being poor put people in immediate danger of DEATH. That is just not the case at the present time in advanced nations like USA, Canada, UK, France, Germany, Spain, etc. Also, those requirements to help the poor also called for you to exercise prudence so as to only help the “worthy poor,” i.e., those who are already doing everything in their power to remedy their bankrupt financial situation. Your brother is not in danger of dying from his lack of money, and he is not doing everything in his power. Q.E.D.

 

[maltmom]

You hit the nail on the head with that one sentence. Until he takes responsibility for his actions he never will step up to the plate and be a man. Your family should be your 1st priority. They should not be impacted by his poor choices. If he had been responsible and was hit with a crisis I’d feel differently.

 

[aicirt]

Leave it be. You have your family to consider. It would be one thing if a hard working person fell on hard times but your brother is immature, selfish and lazy. He has to hit bottom. And even then there’s no guarantee he’ll change.

Please don’t let your Mom take him back. She’ll never get him out of the house and he’ll deplete her money.

 

[AskSeekKnock]

Thanks to all who have answered so far. My conscience wants me to be clear on one thing - when I say there would be ‘impact’ on my family that is true, but it would not be grave.

We are blessed with more than enough money for necessities. But we have a mountain of student loan debt, and, while my husband’s job is secure, mine is questionable at the moment. Thus ‘extra’ money goes to paying off debt, saving for retirement, and building up cash reserves for the unexpected, and every dollar we give my brother is a dollar unavailable for those things.

 

[PatriceA]

Thanks to all who have answered so far. My conscience wants me to be clear on one thing - when I say there would be ‘impact’ on my family that is true, but it would not be grave.

We are blessed with more than enough money for necessities. But we have a mountain of student loan debt, and, while my husband’s job is secure, mine is questionable at the moment. Thus ‘extra’ money goes to paying off debt, saving for retirement, and building up cash reserves for the unexpected, and every dollar we give my brother is a dollar unavailable for those things.

My answer wouldn’t change if you had gobs and gobs of money to give your brother. You’re not really helping him if he never learns to manage his finances properly. If you gave him money at this point, it would be like giving beer to an alcoholic that’s thirsty.

 

[maltmom]

Thanks to all who have answered so far. My conscience wants me to be clear on one thing - when I say there would be ‘impact’ on my family that is true, but it would not be grave.

We are blessed with more than enough money for necessities. But we have a mountain of student loan debt, and, while my husband’s job is secure, mine is questionable at the moment. Thus ‘extra’ money goes to paying off debt, saving for retirement, and building up cash reserves for the unexpected, and every dollar we give my brother is a dollar unavailable for those things.

My advice is still the same. You are doing the responsible thing with the hard earned money that you have. I feel even stronger about you not giving him any money if your job is questionable. It’s obvious that you love your brother. Sometimes the most loving thing to do for someone is to let them work it out on their own. He sounds like the type that is going to have to learn how to be an adult the hard way. What if you gave him $1000 then you had an emergency that you needed all of your cash reserves and that $1000 to take care of…then what? The money is gone and you are in financial trouble.

I will pray for you to have the strength to continue to love him, not enable him any further and that his eyes are opened to the life he leads.

 

[Allegra]

I wouldn’t give him any money unless it’s to get his power turned back on or for a suit for a better job.

 

[Bklynguy]

Thanks to all who have answered so far. My conscience wants me to be clear on one thing - when I say there would be ‘impact’ on my family that is true, but it would not be grave.

We are blessed with more than enough money for necessities. But we have a mountain of student loan debt, and, while my husband’s job is secure, mine is questionable at the moment. Thus ‘extra’ money goes to paying off debt, saving for retirement, and building up cash reserves for the unexpected, and every dollar we give my brother is a dollar unavailable for those things.

I agree with the others–that would not affect my decision. Why should your children be punished by not having money to put into their college funds because your brother refuses to learn from his mistakes?

 

[cmscms]

We are blessed with more than enough money for necessities. .

Great attitude of gratitude:thumbsup:

But we have a mountain of student loan debt,.

In my books that is a necessity that comes way before giving money to someone who will squander it !!! one of these days interest rates are going to go back up and you want your principle on your loan as small as possible for when they do

Thus ‘extra’ money goes to paying off debt, saving for retirement, and building up cash reserves for the unexpected,

Those may not be ‘urgent needs’ but they are still very important things and part of responsible money mangement.

IMO Giving to the poor means give a panhandler $2 to buy a coffee. I seriously don’t your brother would be happy with that. Also, I am not sure of the exact words or from which book in the bible it is but wasn’t there 10 bridesmaids at a wedding and 5 of them slept instead of getting oil for their lamps. The next day when they asked the other 5 to lend them some of their oil the other 5 refused. Nothing wrong with saying no sometimes

CM

 

[codefro]

He’s in his late 20s, with a history of some learning and emotional difficulties. Until last fall, he lived with our mother. She provided for all his needs, and he was never appreciative. She provided 6 years of tuition at a community college, and he passed three classes during that time. She paid for full-time coursework, which he would neglect and then withdraw at the deadline, leading to no refund and no credit earned.

Last summer he met a girl and last fall moved in with her (they are the same age), at the time she was still legally married to someone else but the divorce has since been finalized. When he signed on to the lease with her, he was unemployed. He was in school that semester, but has since dropped out. A series of bad financial decisions later (including first class travel, electronics, multiple exotic pets) his small savings account is gone, he works part time for minimum wage, she doesn’t work, and despite public assistance they feel they can’t make ends meet. He repeatedly is asking me for money.

I could help him, but not without impact to my own family, which includes small children, and meanwhile it seems to me I’d only be aiding and enabling his bad decisions. But sometimes I read a devotion about giving to the poor, caring for each other, ‘the least of these’, and so on and wonder whether the bigger thing to do isn’t to give according to need rather than according to merit, as Jesus has so lovingly done for us.

He could return to living with our mother, but refuses to do so.

WWYD?

Sounds like he needs to learn what responsibility is. Tough love is not a sin, and that’s what he needs.

 

[Delaine75]

I don’t think it would be a sin not to help you brother financially at this point, especially if it will cause issues within your own family. Perhaps you could help him in another way, such as pointing him in the direction of an agency or community outreach service that could help him with whatever he needs. If it is actual needs he has rather than wants, I’m pretty sure there are organizations that can help. Praying for both of you!!

 

[EasterJoy]

This is hard, because he obviously has some real diagnosed limitations. Having said that, he is not so disabled that he has been deemed incapable of his own care, correct? In that case, you cannot enable him to continue with bad decision-making without providing him with a near occasion of sin. If you rescue him from the natural consequences of his choices, that is what you are doing. If he can’t ever suffer from a bad outcome, after all, from his angle in what way can he ever really make a bad decision? He can’t! He is, in effect, indefinitely infantilized.

That is in the case that you have money at your disposal. As it is, the money you have at your disposal is limited by your other duties. Neither do you have unlimited time and effort at your disposal, because you have time and effort obligations towards your family, too. You will be enabling him if you invest more in him than he is willing to invest in himself, even if what you are investing is not taxable by the government.

We instruct you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, to shun any brother who conducts himself in a disorderly way and not according to the tradition they received from us. For you know how one must imitate us. For we did not act in a disorderly way among you, nor did we eat food received free from anyone. On the contrary, in toil and drudgery, night and day we worked, so as not to burden any of you. Not that we do not have the right. Rather, we wanted to present ourselves as a model for you, so that you might imitate us. In fact, when we were with you, we instructed you that if anyone was unwilling to work, neither should that one eat. We hear that some are conducting themselves among you in a disorderly way, by not keeping busy but minding the business ofothers. Such people we instruct and urge in the Lord Jesus Christ to work quietly and to eat their own food. 2 Thes. 3:6-12

 

[aicirt]

Thanks to all who have answered so far. My conscience wants me to be clear on one thing - when I say there would be ‘impact’ on my family that is true, but it would not be grave.

We are blessed with more than enough money for necessities. But we have a mountain of student loan debt, and, while my husband’s job is secure, mine is questionable at the moment. Thus ‘extra’ money goes to paying off debt, saving for retirement, and building up cash reserves for the unexpected, and every dollar we give my brother is a dollar unavailable for those things.

Great that you are financially stable even with debits to pay…we all know what that is like. Nevertheless, I’m thinking of four families very well offwho have been used by children. All, after years of trying to help, have cut the users off. It was the money but also their emotions that were constantly in play.

You might be strong in turning him down but Mom might enable. See if you can get her in some type of counseling. I’d suggest Tough Love but that is for teenagers but she could benefit from learning to be firm and get on with her own life.

 

[Arlene]

Yes Jesus wants us to give to the poor, but your brother is not poor. He is broke because he spent his money foolishly. There is a difference. Also in His parables about the talents, Jesus teaches us the importance of being wise with what is given to us. The servant who buried his share was punished. And that was a servant who only buried it, not spent it foolishly! We are called to be godpod stewards and tour own family is your priority.