Is it a sin to talk about your spouse to your parents and close friends?

[Rachel_1]

I don’t mean to derail the conversation, but what if there’s abuse involved, are you just not supposed to say anything, suck it up and attempt to survive it?
(my question is based on the many here saying that everything that happens between married couples shouldn’t be discussed outside of the marriage)

 

[mgreen77]

I don’t mean to derail the conversation, but what if there’s abuse involved, are you just not supposed to say anything, suck it up and attempt to survive it?
(my question is based on the many here saying that everything that happens between married couples shouldn’t be discussed outside of the marriage)

Nope, exactly why I added, "It depends though, obviously with anything approaching abuse, people need to seek help… "

By all means I hope the poster seeks help however she can if this is a cycle of abusive, demeaning behavior.

Feeling trapped in a situation like that, with no one to talk to, isn’t healthy at ALL.

 

[Rachel_1]

Nope, exactly why I added, "It depends though, obviously with anything approaching abuse, people need to seek help… "

By all means I hope the poster seeks help however she can if this is a cycle of abusive, demeaning behavior.

Feeling trapped in a situation like that, with no one to talk to, isn’t healthy at ALL.

Gotcha, I just missed your comment earlier. It seemed most were saying the same and I apparently started skimming the posts at that point.
What if there’s verbal/emotional abuse and others in the family see it and approach you to discuss, what should you do in a case like that?
(if this is off topic, please feel free to ignore as I don’t want to derail the convo-it’s just something I’m curious about)

 

[houston1]

Much good stuff offered in response to your unhappiness.

The following is about counseling I recieved, from a priest, for help with a difficult person in my life. Vital for our living in peace with each other.
It is a bit long but I hope it helps you.

 The Priest said to me, “Are you willing to pray for this person”?  I said , “OH, yes’.

He proceeded to tell me how to pray…First of all, everyday, pray for the person every
Day before you pray for anyone else, saying,”O God , I ask you to bless( Jack) and pour
Out your spirit upon him, make him as holy and as happy as possible even if that means
He is holier and happier than I am.”

The Priest said he always challenged people to pray in this way and to come back to him if the relationship had not been reconciled.
His experience had been that if the relationship had not improved and was still difficult
The person counseled had stopped praying.
He said, if you are willing to continue praying, then the situation will change.
You cannot invest priority prayer time day in and day out and not begin to experience change.
Either you change because of the incompatibility of your prayer and the way you feel,
Or the power of your prayer changes the relationship.
This can happen because you, the other person, or both of you have responded to the grace of change.

This kind of prayer had helped me so much over the years. I hope it will help you. God bless you!Carlan

Thank you, I will definitedly try this. I used to pray for peace in my home all the time but I have slacked off . . . I will try your recommended prayer. I do believe in the power of prayer and I know that God will help me with this.

 

[houston1]

Gotcha, I just missed your comment earlier. It seemed most were saying the same and I apparently started skimming the posts at that point.
What if there’s verbal/emotional abuse and others in the family see it and approach you to discuss, what should you do in a case like that?
(if this is off topic, please feel free to ignore as I don’t want to derail the convo-it’s just something I’m curious about)

Thanks for asking this question. I really want to know if I am committing sin in my situation (see my above pots). Some poster thought that what I had done was a grave sin. This worries me because I had no idea that what I was doing was a grave matter. It didn’t even occur to me.

 

[Rachel_1]

Thanks for asking this question. I really want to know if I am committing sin in my situation (see my above pots). Some poster thought that what I had done was a grave sin. This worries me because I had no idea that what I was doing was a grave matter. It didn’t even occur to me.

One thing that I’ve been doing during my Night Prayer is praying for my husband specifically. I think for it to be a mortal sin it has to be grave matter (and I think it would depend on how and what you discuss about the situation would determine that), you have to know it’s grave matter, and you have to pretty much not care and do it anyway.
I feel kind of bad now because I’ve been doing the same, talking with others about my situation too. In my case though, others see that there’s a big issue going on and about half the time approach me, the other times I’m the one doing the talking for various reasons, mostly because I’m trying to be a good wife and I don’t know how to act or react to my husbands behaviors so I’m trying to figure out what I should do.

 

[1ke]

I had no idea that what I am doing is a grave sin. Is this true? So, when a spouse is being verbally abused, that person cannot tell anyone except a priest. I have called my mother time after time in tears over many things that my spouse has said about me. This is a grave sin??? This just doesn’t make sense. I feel soooo alone. I need help and my mother has a similar situation with my dad. So, this is wrong for me to turn to her??? I just don’t understand. The friend I told also has a similar situation with her spouse and she offers me comfort. My spouse frequently criticizes me. I have trouble coping with it.

As the arguments occur, I discuss my feelings with my spouse and I try to forgive him for the things that he has said about me (and through an act of will I do - the feelings just stay for awile). He just has a volatile temper and will often fly off the handle throwing things, reprimanding me, and calling me names. No physical abuse - don’t worry.

The main reason that I feel uncomfortable about telling my mother and friend is primarily that I feel sorrow over the situation and hate that the situation is what it is. I am primarily seeking advice from the select few that I tell. How should I react??? I try to correct my spouse when he calls me names, and, for the time, he will apologize but the same critical remarks return in later arguments. I also try to avoid situations that will provoke his comments.

I will confess this to my priest but I had no idea that I was guilty of grave sin. I was thinking venial at most . . .

Oh, for heaven’s sake, in your original post you stated you had an argument and he said hurtful things. You did not mention that he has a temper, is throwing things at you, calls you names, etc. Most of us here predicated our advice on the idea that this was just normal marital stuff, not abusive behavior.

A very serious detail to leave out.

You excuse his abuse by saying “it’s not physical.” Um, hello, throwing things in a tantrum? Not physical? I think you’re too close to the situation to see it for what it really is. This isn’t normal. This is not how most men behave. If you had a poor example with your own father, you may not know this.

You are married to an abuser. You need professional help.

I still think it’s unwise to talk to your family and friends about this unless you are making a serious plan to leave the abuser. If you go to them over and over again with his abuse but refuse to leave, you put them in a very bad and helpless position.

If you plan to stay and allow his abuse to continue, then talk to a professional counselor about it and not your family.

I think Logic101 is incorrect regarding the gravity of the sin. Your situation is now compounded with you thinking you’ve committed a mortal sin. I don’t think you did. If his abuse is well-known among this small circle then it isn’t even detraction. You should talk with a priest.

 

[Rachel_1]

Oh, for heaven’s sake, in your original post you stated you had an argument and he said hurtful things. You did not mention that he has a temper, is throwing things at you, calls you names, etc. Most of us here predicated our advice on the idea that this was just normal marital stuff, not abusive behavior.

A very serious detail to leave out.

You excuse his abuse by saying “it’s not physical.” Um, hello, throwing things in a tantrum? Not physical? I think you’re too close to the situation to see it for what it really is. This isn’t normal. This is not how most men behave. If you had a poor example with your own father, you may not know this.

You are married to an abuser. You need professional help.

I still think it’s unwise to talk to your family and friends about this unless you are making a serious plan to leave the abuser. If you go to them over and over again with his abuse but refuse to leave, you put them in a very bad and helpless position.

If you plan to stay and allow his abuse to continue, then talk to a professional counselor about it and not your family.

I think Logic101 is incorrect regarding the gravity of the sin. Your situation is now compounded with you thinking you’ve committed a mortal sin. I don’t think you did. If his abuse is well-known among this small circle then it isn’t even detraction. You should talk with a priest.

houston1,
I would listen to 1ke because they have led me right in advice each time I’ve asked something here. I don’t think you need to worry about mortal sin either btw. I checked this thread because of my own situation and to see what others have said and I know that 1ke has given me great advice in the past (even if I didn’t listen when I should have) and so because 1ke has given you advice, I feel fairly confident that its probably great advice, something I would listen to.

 

[houston1]

Ike and Rachel,

I appreciate your advice. When you call my husband, an abuser, it sounds so harsh. I am not blameless in our arguments. I can be defensive and irritable many times. When he throws things, he isn’t throwing them at me. He just throws stuff at the wall or on the floor, etc. He does have control. When I talk about verbal abuse, I mean to say that he is constantly “on me” about one thing or another generally concerning my parenting methods of our son. He’s always “checking up” on me. He thinks he’s justified in doing this because he thinks our son needs more “TLC” (I suppose:shrug since he’s adopted. My husband basically allows me to do most of the discipline of our son. Then, he’ll disapprove of the way in which I do it (my son is ADHD and very strong-willed - I am a “stern” disciplinarian as a result).

I wouldn’t say my case is a classic abuser case. My husband seems to want a utopia type family life and cannot tolerate any irritability or unpleasantness on my part. We generally have these conflicts when I am irritable due to hunger or tiredness. He always says, “can’t you just be nice?!” or “you don’t get to act like this!” to me. He has little tolerance for any moodiness by me. This is what causes him to fly off the handle with the name-calling and object throwing.

Does this still sound like abuse? I am not blameless here.

 

[1ke]

Does this still sound like abuse?

Yes. It is abuse.

I am not blameless here.

**I deserve it **is a classic abused woman response.

PLEASE get professional help. You really need someone who is (a) impartial and (b) trained in these situations. Call a domestic abuse hotline and look for local resources provided by your county government.

Really. You need help. And so does your husband.

 

[JJ1989]

In answering your original question heres Jimmy Akin’s (name removed by moderator)ut:

jimmyakin.org/2006/05/psst_did_you_he.html

You have a valid reason to speak about that issue. How else will we gain emotional support?

 

[roelblomsma]

I have a question that I have been wondering. Is it sinful to talk about your spouse to your parents and/or close friends? For example, suppose you had a heated disagreement with your spouse where your spouse said some things that were hurtful to you, is it morally permissable to discuss the incident with another person like a parent, sibling, or close friend for the purpose of getting comforted and/or to ask advice? If so, where does one draw the line in what can be said?

Thanks for your help.

houston1

You can ask for advice. I think even the Bible promotes talking to each other. I should be a bit careful as to say things that might hurt the image of your wife. You might want to choose the person you are talking to very carefully. Also its much better to have a impartial person, not your mother or your friend, because they might choose your side eventhough some things you did or said are not correct.

 

[Monte_RCMS]

Does it really take 20 hours-per-week to maintain a home computer?

.

Actually, if the computer uses Windows as an operating system, the answer is yes.

Switch to a Mac and see how fast his disposition improves.

NO JOKE!!

 

[PatriceA]

Yes. It is abuse.

**I deserve it **is a classic abused woman response.

PLEASE get professional help. You really need someone who is (a) impartial and (b) trained in these situations. Call a domestic abuse hotline and look for local resources provided by your county government.

Really. You need help. And so does your husband.

Please, please follow this advice, OP. Your situation is beyond any advice or good that could come from talking with family and friends. You need a trained professional to help you with your family situation.

 

[houston1]

So, I went to confession today. The priest didn’t seem to have a problem that I had “vented” to my mother and friend about the name calling.

I would look for a therapist but I need a recommendation. There are so many therapists that do not know what they are doing. I had an extreme challenge finding a therapist for my son’s ADHD situation and, I wasn’t satisfied in the end with the one we went with.

The only person that I have found helpful was Dr. Ray Guarendi’s show. He is so sensible. Can anyone recommend a Dr. Ray - type therapist in the Houston area?

 

[1ke]

The only person that I have found helpful was Dr. Ray Guarendi’s show. He is so sensible. Can anyone recommend a Dr. Ray - type therapist in the Houston area?

I can suggest two avenues.

First, St. John Vianney Catholic Church (west side) has an awesome social services ministy. They used to have some licensed social workers and therapists who worked with them (Catholics). It’s been 5 years since I lived in Houston, but SJV is really top notch on their social services and if they don’t still have people who work with them directly they should definitely be in a position to give you a referral.

www.stjohnvianney.org

Secondly, the Archdiocesan Catholic Charities is also a very vibrant and full service ministry. They have family counseling available.

diogh.org/socialjustice_charities.htm

God bless you, I am sure you are struggling with this.

 

[houston1]

I can suggest two avenues.

First, St. John Vianney Catholic Church (west side) has an awesome social services ministy. They used to have some licensed social workers and therapists who worked with them (Catholics). It’s been 5 years since I lived in Houston, but SJV is really top notch on their social services and if they don’t still have people who work with them directly they should definitely be in a position to give you a referral.

www.stjohnvianney.org

Secondly, the Archdiocesan Catholic Charities is also a very vibrant and full service ministry. They have family counseling available.

diogh.org/socialjustice_charities.htm

God bless you, I am sure you are struggling with this.

Thanks for your help. I will definitedly look into SJV. God bless you, too. I will remember you and all the posters in my next prayer of the rosary.

 

[houston1]

In answering your original question heres Jimmy Akin’s (name removed by moderator)ut:

jimmyakin.org/2006/05/psst_did_you_he.html

You have a valid reason to speak about that issue. How else will we gain emotional support?

Thank you so much for posting this. I read the whole thing and it helps me very much. I love Jimmy Akin!

 

[Neil_Anthony]

I have a question that I have been wondering. Is it sinful to talk about your spouse to your parents and/or close friends? For example, suppose you had a heated disagreement with your spouse where your spouse said some things that were hurtful to you, is it morally permissable to discuss the incident with another person like a parent, sibling, or close friend for the purpose of getting comforted and/or to ask advice? If so, where does one draw the line in what can be said?

Thanks for your help.

houston1

We learned in marriage prep that its a bad idea to discuss those things with your family because they will always see your side and come to dislike your spouse. And that isn’t good for your family. It’s better to discuss it with a friend. And yes you still have an obligation to be charitable and fair when talking about someone else, and you should only do it for a good reason. Getting advice is a good reason, I would say.

 

[PatriceA]

So, I went to confession today. The priest didn’t seem to have a problem that I had “vented” to my mother and friend about the name calling.

I would look for a therapist but I need a recommendation. There are so many therapists that do not know what they are doing. I had an extreme challenge finding a therapist for my son’s ADHD situation and, I wasn’t satisfied in the end with the one we went with.

The only person that I have found helpful was Dr. Ray Guarendi’s show. He is so sensible. Can anyone recommend a Dr. Ray - type therapist in the Houston area?

I have to wonder though if you presented the situation similarly to the way you stated it in your OP and didn’t disclose the more troubling details like you did in a later post in this thread. I would find it troubling that a priest would give you the same advice if you had disclosed the abusiving details you later revealed to us here at the forum.