Is It A Sin?

[janet224]

Is it a sin for two people already married to be in love with each other? I seem to be in this predicament and don’t know what to do. Both our marriages have reason to maybe be annulled. Not in love with my husband. He has been abusive through the years. I really need advice. I think about this other person all the time.

 

[LovedForever]

What you are terming “in love” is more likely attraction and infatuation.
To be “in love” with someone you must spend alot of time with each other, investing that time together, to get to really KNOW one another and truly care about each other and what is best for them. Most importantly their salvation.

So - given the fact that you both are MARRIED, you are either infatuated with this other person from a distance, or you have crossed the line (basically cheating on your spouse) having spent intimate (not meaning sexual) time with this person who is not your spouse.

Either way, you need to make sure you do not put yourself in temptation’s path (near occasions of SIN), and concentrate on your marriage. If your spouse is truly abusive, then you need to take steps to protect yourself and your children if you have any and seek the counsel of your priest.

Remember - that what many believe is “love” is actually just an emotion.
Love is much, much more than that.
It is a decision - not a “feeling.”

 

[janet224]

I know plenty about this person and do know for sure that I love him. I never felt anything like this for my husband. I basically felt sorry for my husband and got suckered into marrying an unemotional raging maniac. I have not crossed the line. This person only hugged me when we met. He did not have any idea that I was married until later. Yes there is definitely attraction, I won’t deny that, but I know there is something very real and lastiing here. Also I have sent him mass cards, prayers, and a dvd of Fr. Corapi, so I am very concerned about his salvation. My marriage isn’t a marriage, due to the disconnect that will always be between my husband and I. He has killed whatever we had. He has been cold, hard, and emotionless. He’s basically a child at 41 yrs. old. I have a person that I can’t help. I’m not a psychiatrist and he won’t go to one. I’ve tried to work on my marriage. I’ve shown love and patience, but I’ve grown very tired and know notohing will change. I have been pushed around for 16 years and about had enough. I need someone that understands me and treats me with the same respect and love.

 

[janet224]

What you are terming “in love” is more likely attraction and infatuation.
To be “in love” with someone you must spend alot of time with each other, investing that time together, to get to really KNOW one another and truly care about each other and what is best for them. Most importantly their salvation.

So - given the fact that you both are MARRIED, you are either infatuated with this other person from a distance, or you have crossed the line (basically cheating on your spouse) having spent intimate (not meaning sexual) time with this person who is not your spouse.

Either way, you need to make sure you do not put yourself in temptation’s path (near occasions of SIN), and concentrate on your marriage. If your spouse is truly abusive, then you need to take steps to protect yourself and your children if you have any and seek the counsel of your priest.

Remember - that what many believe is “love” is actually just an emotion.
Love is much, much more than that.
It is a decision - not a “feeling.”

Also, I spent 3 years with my husband before we were married. He hid this side of him. I thought I knew him, but I really didn’t know he would be this way with me. Everything changed after marriage, so I have good reason to have this marriage annulled. I have talked to a priest and he told me my husband may have personality disorder from childhood problems, such as alcoholic parents, and neglect. He is not able to communicate and connect with me on an adult level.

 

[otjm]

A Decree of Nullity is not granted until your case has been assembled and presented to the Tribunal, they have had time to review and gather any further information and make a decision, and then it has been appealed to the second Tribunal in another diocese. This could take two years or more. And both have to agree to the Decree. Statistically they do most of the time; but that does not take into account the cases that start and never get filed, and the cases that get filed but never get to a hearing.

Add to that the time to get a divorce, should that be the path you choose, and the issue could easily stretch to three to five years before you have a final decision. It is rare for a Tribunal to hear anything until a divorce is granted, and it is not unusual at all for a non-contested divorce to take a year or more before it is final; a contested one could go much longer.

Given that information plus the very bottom line that not all cases presented to a Tribunal are granted a Decree of Nullity, and from nothing more than a very real world practical matter, you would be well advised to drop this friendship as if it were a live rattlesnake.

I can well understand the dynamics of a bad marriage. You need to understand that emotionally you are not in a position to even begin to think about judging this second person. You in plain English are playing with fire from a purely emotional standpoint, not to even get into the moral side of the issue.

Most cases of adultery I have come across did not start out with two people immediately, or even very quickly, heading to bed; they start out with a spouse who is very unhappy in a marriage, meeting someone who appears to be very sympathetic and understanding, and it leads to hugs, and then to… and then to bed… and then everything goes nuclear.

You need to sort out where you stand in this marriage. Both you and he made promises. It may well be that this was a total disaster from before the engagement, but you need to make any and all decisions about your marriage as if this person you are married to is the only person you will ever be married to. In other words, you need to decide if you are going to stay, and base that on the assumption that you may never get an annulment.

If you should decide to get a divorce, it should never be based on “someone else”. You have no idea if they will still be there when the dust finally settles from the divorce. Further, you have no idea if a Decree of Nullity will be granted. And to top it all off, any psychologist worth their salt would tell you that you are not in a position psychologically to make any decisions about this next person until 1) you have resolved the issues with your current husband, and 2) you have been able to determine how you ended up with the first one. If you made a hasty, poorly informed decision about the first husband, you need to heal, and grow sufficiently in your judgement that you don’t make the same mistake a second time.

There is a reason that second marriages have a significantly higher divorce rate than first marriages; all too many people simply repeat their mistakes.

 

[dulcissima]

Very well said, otjm.

 

[janet224]

Wow, looks like I’m trapped with an abusive spouse. I would think a tribunal would grant me an annulment just based on what I have told you all. I have holes in my walls in my house, I have dents in my microwave. I don’t believe that God or his church thinks I should stay married to this. I’ve never heard of a divorce taking a year. Is that really true? All I know is that I haven’t been able to change this situation and I have no children and think that there may be some kind of hope for me. You all are not helping by scaring me into staying with this guy.

 

[dulcissima]

You don’t need to stay with him. In fact, I would advise you not to. The advice is to not start a new relationship at this time. There is hope, but I recommend sticking close to God and following the teachings of the Church if you want real hope.

 

[otjm]

Wow, looks like I’m trapped with an abusive spouse. I would think a tribunal would grant me an annulment just based on what I have told you all. I have holes in my walls in my house, I have dents in my microwave. I don’t believe that God or his church thinks I should stay married to this. I’ve never heard of a divorce taking a year. Is that really true? All I know is that I haven’t been able to change this situation and I have no children and think that there may be some kind of hope for me. You all are not helping by scaring me into staying with this guy.

Go read my post again, and read my PM.

I can’t judge your current situation, but yes, a divorce can take way more time than you think. And if you do it yourself, if you don’t do it all right, you will not actually be divorced; the do it yourself forms require that you follow exactly all of the instructions or the Court will not grant you a decree.

And never mind the old saw that he who represents himself has a fool for a client.

I am not trying to scare you into staying with anyone. I am simply stating that you are following the path that all too many people do; they don’t resolve the situation at hand (your marriage), but rather go from the frying pan to the fire. You are in absolutely no emotional position to judge a second relationship; you havn’t dealt with the first one.

You are making all sorts of presumptions about what will happen legally with theCourt, and legally with the Church Court (the Tribunal is the official name). Until you have resolved those, you are in no position to even think about anyone else.

Your story is no different that that of tens of thousands of others who are in a bad (or a perceived bad) relationship; they use someone else as the means of bringing the first relationship to an end. None of them want to hear that there is no solid foundation in their perceived new lover. Then they wonder why the second relationship didn’t work; they feel used; they are bitter about both the first spouse and the seond person who wasn’t all they had emotionally convinced themselves that person was.

You think I am blowing smoke, or don’t have a clue? Then get yourself to a certified marriage counselor or psychologist and really listen to what they say. They won’t tell you what to do; but they will tell you that you are very high risk for failure again.

It is your future. No one is telling you what to do; I am trying to tell you what not to do. I am trying to tellyou that you are singing the same song tens of thousands have sung, and will sing in the future. It is called the Blues for a reason.

 

[janet224]

You don’t need to stay with him. In fact, I would advise you not to. The advice is to not start a new relationship at this time. There is hope, but I recommend sticking close to God and following the teachings of the Church if you want real hope.

Thanks, I would also add that I do not love him at all like I should. I am not even attracted to him. It wasn’t there from the start and now it REALLY isn’t there. I’m really not happy and I’m only 40 yr. old. I feel like I wasted all my energy and time in this relationship. There’s been no growth at all on his part. I’m just tired. I want to be loved for a change.

 

[dulcissima]

Thanks, I would also add that I do not love him at all like I should. I am not even attracted to him. It wasn’t there from the start and now it REALLY isn’t there. I’m really not happy and I’m only 40 yr. old. I feel like I wasted all my energy and time in this relationship. There’s been no growth at all on his part. I’m just tired. I want to be loved for a change.

I understand completely. In fact, I could write literally every word that you have written and it would be true. I know you need to be loved, but in order to have the kind of relationship that you want, you are going to have to spend some time on yourself, on becoming not only the person that you are meant to be, but also on becoming the best possible you for any future husband. Think about the kind of wife you would like to be and what you are going to need to do to get there.

Your divorce is going to be hard. Don’t underestimate that. It’s going to take all you’ve got just to get through that. Try to look at that time and the time that an annulment will take as opportunities for intensive personal training, a makeover of your life from the inside out. Don’t race ahead and miss any important steps that you will need to take to have the future that you want. Have some patience, practice some discipline, and I think in the end you will get to where you want to be.

 

[janet224]

I understand completely. In fact, I could write literally every word that you have written and it would be true. I know you need to be loved, but in order to have the kind of relationship that you want, you are going to have to spend some time on yourself, on becoming not only the person that you are meant to be, but also on becoming the best possible you for any future husband. Think about the kind of wife you would like to be and what you are going to need to do to get there.

Your divorce is going to be hard. Don’t underestimate that. It’s going to take all you’ve got just to get through that. Try to look at that time and the time that an annulment will take as opportunities for intensive personal training, a makeover of your life from the inside out. Don’t race ahead and miss any important steps that you will need to take to have the future that you want. Have some patience, practice some discipline, and I think in the end you will get to where you want to be.

Just so you know, I’ve been a very good wife. I’ve contributed financially by working when I am considered to be disabled. That wasn’t easy especially with all the rages going on. I’ve never cheated, I don’t drink, I go to mass every Sunday and holy days. I pray the rosary everyday. He knows I’m not happy and is trying to be nice, but if I look at him cross or say something out of the way, lookout. So I have to walk on egg shells. This is not me. Thanks

 

[dulcissima]

Just so you know, I’ve been a very good wife. I’ve contributed financially by working when I am considered to be disabled. That wasn’t easy especially with all the rages going on. I’ve never cheated, I don’t drink, I go to mass every Sunday and holy days. I pray the rosary everyday. He knows I’m not happy and is trying to be nice, but if I look at him cross or say something out of the way, lookout. So I have to walk on egg shells. This is not me. Thanks

Just so you know, I wasn’t putting you down. I’m just telling you that if you have lived in that kind of marriage for that long, a lot of your perceptions are going to be off. A lot of what you consider “normal” really isn’t normal. You’ve lived your entire adult life catering to the needs of someone who is not well. You are going to need to spend some time apart from him, by yourself, to really heal and really find your direction. Believe me, not worrying about those eggshells is absolutely exhilerating.

 

[marcadam]

A lot of other posts seem to be focussing on advising you in your situation, rather than on answering this (admittedly loaded) question. Then I’ll bring it back around to ‘advice,’ such as it is.

Q:

Is it a sin for two people already married [to other people] to be in love with each other?

A: It all hinges on the meaning of ‘in love’. It is a colloquialism that has a range of meanings, so to keep it short, I’m going to assume it means being fully emotionally invested in the other, but (in the context of the question) without having allowed any physical infidelity that would be obviously adulterous and sinful.

What is left has two components, stemming from the emotion and the will. The emotional aspect is not sinful. I won’t go into detail.

The willful aspect is sinful in a twofold manner, and dangerously so. First, since both persons are married, there is a direct violation of the ninth commandment.

Second, it would seem from the common idea of being ‘in love’ that this movement of sensuality must be being meditated upon to some extent, whether through a deliberate (positive) action or a (negative) failure to reject a sinful passion. The technical term is morose delectation. From the same link: “deliberately holding and turning over what should have been cast aside as soon as it touched the mind.”

---

A quick and dirty translation to your situation as I understand it: it would appear that you have every reason to pursue separation, divorce and annulment from your husband. That is an utterly separate issue from the involvement of a third party who is also already married. By all means, get out of your abusive marriage. But cease and desist this other relationship.

If I was Dr. Phil: “Don’t do it for him, honey. Do it for you.”

 

[dorothy_smith]

Dear janet224

Is it a sin for two people already married to be in love with each other?

Yes, it is underhand and deceitful. We all have infatuations throughout our marriages but we don’t just turn our backs on our spouses to satisfy our desires.

I know plenty about this person and do know for sure that I love him. I never felt anything like this for my husband. I basically felt sorry for my husband…

I also feel sorry for your husband. He must have felt all along that you don’t love him. It can’t be nice for him. How would you feel if it were the other way round?

Also, I spent 3 years with my husband before we were married. He hid this side of him. I thought I knew him, but I really didn’t know he would be this way with me. Everything changed after marriage, so I have good reason to have this marriage annulled.

You don’t seem to be taking any blame yourself. Perhaps you changed towards him also.

Thanks, I would also add that I do not love him at all like I should. I am not even attracted to him. It wasn’t there from the start and now it REALLY isn’t there. I’m really not happy and I’m only 40 yr. old.

Your husband must be fully aware of how you feel. It must be very hurtful for him.

Just so you know, I’ve been a very good wife.

You haven’t made that apparent at all in your postings. Quite the opposite in fact.

I have purposely taken a one sided view to what you have said against your husband in his favour. That probably seems very unfair to you. But you yourself have done exactly the same in your own favour. Do you see how selfish things can sound?

The advice given you by otjm is excellent. I would also suggest that you go and see a marriage counsellor.

 

[janet224]

Dear janet224

Yes, it is underhand and deceitful. We all have infatuations throughout our marriages but we don’t just turn our backs on our spouses to satisfy our desires.

I also feel sorry for your husband. He must have felt all along that you don’t love him. It can’t be nice for him. How would you feel if it were the other way round?

You don’t seem to be taking any blame yourself. Perhaps you changed towards him also.

Your husband must be fully aware of how you feel. It must be very hurtful for him.

You haven’t made that apparent at all in your postings. Quite the opposite in fact.

I have purposely taken a one sided view to what you have said against your husband in his favour. That probably seems very unfair to you. But you yourself have done exactly the same in your own favour. Do you see how selfish things can sound?

The advice given you by otjm is excellent. I would also suggest that you go and see a marriage counsellor.

I have been verbally, and almost physically abused. He has issues stemming from his childhood. Both parents were alcoholics. I have an illness from childhood. He has roughed me up too many times. I don’t care what his problem is, he has no right to ever do this to me. I have been loving to him even though it’s been hard for me. I have loved even though I’m not in love, but a person can only take so much. 16 years is quite a long time to be pushed around for no real reason. Oh he’s jealous of my relationship with my family. Isn’t that sweet? So really there was never anyone else on my mind until recently. I’ll just have to keep praying and asking for advice in the matter.

 

[Katie1723]

Since you stated that you have a good relationship with your family, perhaps you can stay with them? You don’t need to stay with anyone who abuses you. Have you been able to talk to a priest?
In any case, don’t stay where you don’t feel safe, especially if you have kids.

Kathy