Is it abnormal for a husband to have no loyalty to his wife?

[Lucky7]

at this point, he actively belittles me. i know this may sound strange, but sometimes i almost feel like he has some sort of jealousy of me and this is how it comes out. he is more of a passive person who tries to get along with everyone even to a fault, whereas I don’t have a problem expressing my opinion. Sometimes I wonder if he is jealous of it?

Either that, or he just wants a quiet passive wife who never speaks up or stands up for herself? that is my other guess. I’m a highly educated person who just happens to stay at home with my kids. I’m not going to quiet my mind or spirit and not be myself, just to please him.

Hmmm…do you respect him?

 

[steph410]

at this moment, no i don’t.

he does not act in a way that deserves respect.

 

[Lucky7]

at this moment, no i don’t.

he does not act in a way that deserves respect.

I suggest reading Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggrichs

Available via amazon:

amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1594153205

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that your behavior has played a part in his behavior…creating a vicious cycle.

 

[steph410]

I have read that book.

 

[Lucky7]

I have read that book.

And? Have you tried to do some of the things it suggests? Does it seem to give you some food for thought?

 

[Marianne_Ph]

I am so glad I found this discussion today as I am grappling with the same issue. Please help me see a way to peace. We’ve been married for 45 yrs.!

My situation: (Please bear with me!) 90 yr. old mother-in-law (MIL) living alone in a filthy, cluttered, smelly house. Mentally alert, physically feeble; Hoarding mounds of belongings which are strewn inside & out; stacks of books 5’ tall & on shelves to the ceilings, a garage heaped w/ sacks of groceries that cannot be put in the overflowing kitchen cabinets; Cats’ litter box not cleaned for months; A recluse with no social connections since I’ve know her, is a non-church-going Protestant. Two daughters have taken no action; I’m married to her son. I offered to clean for her.

She declined help saying she’d rather just visit with us. After realizing the extent of need & neglect, we arranged for a woman to clean for her.

This Christian woman came highly recommended. She is caring, loving, experienced with elderly, deeply spiritual and prayerful. She is poor, can barely pay bills, drives a junker car, etc, was let go from Church job, b/c of budget problems.

MIL and Cleaning Lady share interests in reading fiction. MIL lent books. MIL now accuses Cleaning Lady of stealing certain books. CL says she does not have them & has offered to replace the missing books, and/or search the house for them with MIL. I believe Cleaning Lady after a lengthy, tearful, hurtful explanation.

MIL wants no more of Cleaning Lady, says she is stealing from her and will not concede that she, herself, could have misplaced these books… My husband believes his mother, and rejects my view, case closed. Firing her will cause hardship for this woman, but frankly it would be difficult for both of them to continue under the circumstances.

I feel betrayed by my husband who is supporting his mother over me. I see this as valuing things over people and creating a very hurtful situation for an already oppressed person. I just cannot get past this and am disgusted by the whole thing.

Your thoughts?

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I am so glad I found this discussion today as I am grappling with the same issue. Please help me see a way to peace. We’ve been married for 45 yrs.!

My situation: (Please bear with me!) 90 yr. old mother-in-law (MIL) living alone in a filthy, cluttered, smelly house. Mentally alert, physically feeble; Hoarding mounds of belongings which are strewn inside & out; stacks of books 5’ tall & on shelves to the ceilings, a garage heaped w/ sacks of groceries that cannot be put in the overflowing kitchen cabinets; Cats’ litter box not cleaned for months; A recluse with no social connections since I’ve know her, is a non-church-going Protestant. Two daughters have taken no action; I’m married to her son. I offered to clean for her.

She declined help saying she’d rather just visit with us. After realizing the extent of need & neglect, we arranged for a woman to clean for her.

This Christian woman came highly recommended. She is caring, loving, experienced with elderly, deeply spiritual and prayerful. She is poor, can barely pay bills, drives a junker car, etc, was let go from Church job, b/c of budget problems.

MIL and Cleaning Lady share interests in reading fiction. MIL lent books. MIL now accuses Cleaning Lady of stealing certain books. CL says she does not have them & has offered to replace the missing books, and/or search the house for them with MIL. I believe Cleaning Lady after a lengthy, tearful, hurtful explanation.

MIL wants no more of Cleaning Lady, says she is stealing from her and will not concede that she, herself, could have misplaced these books… My husband believes his mother, and rejects my view, case closed. Firing her will cause hardship for this woman, but frankly it would be difficult for both of them to continue under the circumstances.

I feel betrayed by my husband who is supporting his mother over me. I see this as valuing things over people and creating a very hurtful situation for an already oppressed person. I just cannot get past this and am disgusted by the whole thing.

Your thoughts?

You should start a new thread of your own instead of co-opting this one. Copy your post, delete this one and make a new thread.

 

[Bill_7154]

my husband never sides with me. whenever there is a small (or big) issue going on and I try to share my thoughts with him- he always sticks up for the other side of the situation. He makes excuses for the other person and literally tells me to “move on with my life” and that he “just doesn’t care”.

I have never known a person like this- it is just completely self absorbed and immature. He is 35 years old.

My opinion is that a husband and wife should be “one”, they should be loyal to one another, they should care about the feelings of the other- even if it’s a small thing.

i feel he belittles anything that I am interested or concerned about, etc.

is there anything i can do to improve this? he has been this way for years now.

Changing behavior is difficult, and this is true even when the person WANTS to change. Try sitting down with him to have a serious talk and share your feelings with him about this. The next step would be marriage counseling IMO. If he won’t go and won’t change he could be just lazy and selfish and realize you won’t leave him so he can act this way and get away with it. He probably knows he can get away with a lot of other stuff as well if it’s true he knows you won’t leave him and he’s immature. Not saying he will cheat or do really big wrong things, please keep that in mind.

It’s tough because if he won’t agree to counseling and won’t work on the issue in a meaningful way that produces results, what recourse are you left with? Are you willing to have a short trial separation?

God Bless,
Bill

 

[cviolette]

This is pretty much what he does. I obviously don’t know why my husband does it. I have talked to him about it many times. Instead of him honestly explaining what is going on with him, he will deny it flat out. He will even try to talk as if I am crazy and imagining things. He will try to deflect the entire topic towards something that he thinks he’s doing right.

You should read a book on gaslighting and see if it applies. It fit my husband. He always would make me seem like I imagined his behavior or what he said. For him, I think he felt if I had no self-esteem, I would never leave him. Over 21 years, he did a lot of damage.

 

[chevalier]

my husband never sides with me. whenever there is a small (or big) issue going on and I try to share my thoughts with him- he always sticks up for the other side of the situation. He makes excuses for the other person and literally tells me to “move on with my life” and that he “just doesn’t care”.

I have never known a person like this- it is just completely self absorbed and immature. He is 35 years old.

My opinion is that a husband and wife should be “one”, they should be loyal to one another, they should care about the feelings of the other- even if it’s a small thing.

i feel he belittles anything that I am interested or concerned about, etc.

is there anything i can do to improve this? he has been this way for years now.

Well, I’m no psychologist but in my experience, which I kinda tend to notice because I’m a lawyer, so I’m more sensitive to the mechanics of how people distribute blame and react to it, it seems to be some kind of latch. Basically, if the wrong thing clicks at some point, then a person goes into the mode where he or she just sides with whomever is on the opposite side from you. I’ve noticed others entering that mode, and I’ve actually caught myself spiralling into it, then realising and shaking it off (in my case cold hard logic tended to work, as in asking myself what it looks like objectively which I currently feel like thinking about someone or about his arguments). In short: it’s kind of paroxysmal naysaying. Somebody’s just being negative because something triggered it, and this negativity causes a bias in judging or comparing things.

Some people can be more permanently negative, though (e.g. because of some persistent disappointment, like a guy I know whose son can simply not do anything in a way that would please the father because the father seems to have chosen to stick in the mode of considering him a worthless brat). Those can be difficult to set right.

at this moment, no i don’t.

he does not act in a way that deserves respect.

Could be the case. In my experience with my own cases of bias against somebody (along with his ideas, proposals, evaluation of his actions or motives etc.), somebody openly showing that he has no regard for me tends to be the cause. Especially with women, and especially with women I’ve been romantically involved with.

Please note that you folks may have some mutual kind of lack of respect. IMHO both parties feeling disrespected in a relationship (not necessarily romantic or marital) could lead to a situation like that.

 

[EasterJoy]

It is bad enough to have your spouse habitually getting defensive, deflecting the conversation, and belittling you. Those are huge red flags for a sinking marriage. Whenever someone tries to gaslight you–lies about what happened, makes you feel like you’re crazy or makes you wonder if they have some hidden motive–get a third party to work it through with you. That can be a treacherous situation, and it can do you a great deal of inner harm.

You can try “The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships”, by John Gottman (or his “Seven Principles” book, which many libraries also have) but I’m very worried about your marriage. Talk to a real counsellor, though…I mean a marriage counsellor, but not for couples. Just for you.

 

[KitSileya]

This is pretty much what he does. I obviously don’t know why my husband does it. I have talked to him about it many times. Instead of him honestly explaining what is going on with him, he will deny it flat out. He will even try to talk as if I am crazy and imagining things. He will try to deflect the entire topic towards something that he thinks he’s doing right.

That is called gaslighting, and is a well-known tactic used by abusers. He’s making you doubt yourself, and your sense of reality, and convincing you that your reaction is inappropriate…so that he can bully you more.

A respecting husband would have acknowledged your point, even if he didn’t agree with it, and tried to change his ways. “I don’t think what I’m doing is wrong, but my wife has several times expressed how bad she thinks it is, so I will change, for her.”

My advice to you is to make sure you talk to someone who can be on your side, on team YOU. I would also recommend you start taking a larger interest in your financial situation - make sure you know what your assets are, so that should you have to separate, you don’t end up financially destitute.

 

[steph410]

thanks for the above advice. when i have time i will look into the above book.

but regarding the last post, I won’t be separating. I have 4 kids and one on the way and would never do that to them. I want a loving home for them so I need to find a solution.

sorry, i don’t have much time right now for a longer response.

 

[StJudePray4Me]

Well, perhaps this is not what you want to hear, but I have a question.

Are you really just expressing your opinions, or are you complaining?

Without specific examples it’s hard to say, but I know someone who is constantly complaining about other people. Her coworkers, her friends, her children’s friends. She is super sensitive and takes things very personally that likely were not intended as she took them.

I find myself playing devils advocate with her quite often. I can’t help it…she will tell me a story about some supposedly awful, mean or annoying thing someone said or did, and I will turn it around and try to explain why she probably is taking it too personally or getting upset over nothing.

In your post, you said he tells you to “move on” which is why I bring it up. If he feels you are getting yourself tied up in knots over things that are not so serious, he may be disinclined to agree with your assessments. Also, it can be tiresome to hear someone complain all the time.

Or, you know, I could be totally off.

 

[KitSileya]

thanks for the above advice. when i have time i will look into the above book.

but regarding the last post, I won’t be separating. I have 4 kids and one on the way and would never do that to them. I want a loving home for them so I need to find a solution.

sorry, i don’t have much time right now for a longer response.

Staying with your husband is a perfectly valid choice. Your life is yours, and marriage vows are very important. I do hope, however, that you find a solution that will not end up destroying your self worth and sense of self. Losing those are not sacrifices that are good for your kids either - they need a mother who can continue being as strong as you clearly are.

From what you describe, his continued disrespect for you is not the proper way a husband should behave. Seeing a professional, as others have suggested, is definitely a good idea - we’re just voices on the internet, after all.

Regarding my financial advice, whether you stay with your husband until death do you part or not, it is smart to keep an eye on your financial status. Too many widows and widowers have ended up not knowing anything about their joint finances when their spouse dies, and similarly, many deserted spouses are tricked out of money because they are not aware that money isn’t in joint accounts, or property is in the other spouse’s name only.

 

[EasterJoy]

thanks for the above advice. when i have time i will look into the above book.

but regarding the last post, I won’t be separating. I have 4 kids and one on the way and would never do that to them. I want a loving home for them so I need to find a solution.

sorry, i don’t have much time right now for a longer response.

Learn as much as you can. Being forced to witness the abuse of a parent, even “just” emotional abuse, is itself child abuse and leaves the children vulnerable to becoming both abusers and victims. Your husband may even be a former victim of just such abuse. If you stay (and I hope you can), that cycle of abuse absolutely must be stopped, regardless of what it takes. That is not negotiable. That is your duty. It does not automatically require dissolution of the family, though. It will require you to understand the nature of the battle and to appreciate the consequences of losing it.

 

[cviolette]

Learn as much as you can. Being forced to witness the abuse of a parent, even “just” emotional abuse, is itself child abuse and leaves the children vulnerable to becoming both abusers and victims. Your husband may even be a former victim of just such abuse. If you stay (and I hope you can), that cycle of abuse absolutely must be stopped, regardless of what it takes. That is not negotiable. That is your duty. It does not automatically require dissolution of the family, though. It will require you to understand the nature of the battle and to appreciate the consequences of losing it.

ITA. You can stay in the marriage but you have to make it as healthy as possible for you and the kids.

The book, “The Gaslight Effect” talks about gaslighting. It does not say that you have to leave, it just says that you have to stop playing their games. Stop the gaslight tango. The games can make you feel crazy. I am in the middle of a divorce and the games are worse but at least I know what I am up against.