Is it always wrong to date more than one person at a time?

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No particular incident in mind, but we were joking around the other day about the fact that my housemate who’s a Christian worker has all kinds of rules against which people he can date etc., but doesn’t have a rule that he can only go out with one person at a time.

I was wondering if it is always immoral (it’s clearly always a bad idea, if only because you can only marry one person) to go out with two people at the same time, if you’re honest and tell both people and neither has a problem with it
 
I think back in the day there was a distinction between “to go out on a date with” and “to go steady.” I think, if it were done so that the parties weren’t committing “emotional bigamy” as it were and imagining that life could go on forever in that way, there is nothing intrinsically wrong (assuming there is nothing wrong with going on dates) with going out with one girl one weekend, and another girl another weekend. As long as the girls were not under illusions that they were “going steady” with the chap.
 
It is not immoral to date, keep company with more than one person at a time. In the quest for a life partner the individual many inspect anything on the menu. Comparing and contrasting characteristics is easier in a side by side setting.

Matthew
 
In general, even from a moral standpoint, I think it is actually preferable to date more than one person at a time for a while. This helps you understand yourself and others better and lessens the temptation to go too far physically. After a while, you will be in a better positon to determine who is the right one for a permanent relationship, and you can agree to see only that one person, as a step in the preparation for marriage. A good book that explains this is *Christian Courtship In An Oversexed World: A Guide For Catholics *by T.G. Morrow. (You can get it from Amazon.)
 
Why would it be immoral? Is it written “Thou shall not woo but less than two.” ? 😃
 
When I was young, I went with bunches of boys all at the same time. I didn’t think of it as a “date” though - we were just out having fun. 🙂
 
If you are telling someone that the relationship is exclusive, and it’s not, then that’s wrong. You’re lying. If you’re telling both of them that you are and they’re okay with it, that’s fine.

For me, I could see doing things/going places/“hanging out” with more than one person (at different times) and having it be okay. But once the relationship starts getting serious, then that has to stop. There’s no way to be in two somewhat serious relationships at the same time. If you’re trying to find out if a certain person is the one you should marry, you shouldn’t be dating anyone else, IMHO.
 
JMBNH said:
No particular incident in mind, but we were joking around the other day about the fact that my housemate who’s a Christian worker has all kinds of rules against which people he can date etc., but doesn’t have a rule that he can only go out with one person at a time.

I was wondering if it is always immoral (it’s clearly always a bad idea, if only because you can only marry one person) to go out with two people at the same time, if you’re honest and tell both people and neither has a problem with it
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Why is it clearly always a bad idea? Do you mean you would equally fall in love with two people at the same time and come up with a problem because you can only choose one?

Are we talking about dating for sexual and emotional satisfaction, or companionship leading to discernment of marriage?
 
JMBNH said:
No particular incident in mind, but we were joking around the other day about the fact that my housemate who’s a Christian worker has all kinds of rules against which people he can date etc., but doesn’t have a rule that he can only go out with one person at a time.

I was wondering if it is always immoral (it’s clearly always a bad idea, if only because you can only marry one person) to go out with two people at the same time, if you’re honest and tell both people and neither has a problem with it
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Wehn I go to a buffet, I try a lot of different foods, then I settle into my favorite and load up on him.

Unless you are telling them you are exclusive, or are dating for no good reason (i.e., not to meet a spouse), what is the problem?
 
Back in the olden days around 1975 or 80, my wife and I were amazed at how it seemed that when our kids dated someone once it was like they owned each other. We had rules. No dating before age 16. No dates with the same person twice in a row without dating someone else in between. We could never figure out why young people in senior high and college would want to date only one person all the time for extended periods. It seemed to us that it would kill all the fun of getting to know lots of people of the opposite sex before making a choice to settle down. We still don’t get it.🤷 🤷
 
He_Man said:
When I go to a buffet, I try a lot of different foods, then I settle into my favorite and load up on him.

Unless you are telling them you are exclusive, or are dating for no good reason (i.e., not to meet a spouse), what is the problem?
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It may not be wrong in all cases, but I would have to think about it.

But as for me, if I began to date someone, it would usually be because I had enough feelings for the man to start seeing him. And I frankly would not like it, if at that point, he were also dating someone else at the same time. I would prefer to know before he and I started dating, whether or not his philosophy on that was similar to mine.

I guess I’m too conservative or something.
 
Lady_Bug said:
It may not be wrong in all cases, but I would have to think about it.

But as for me, if I began to date someone, it would usually be because I had enough feelings for the man to start seeing him. And I frankly would not like it, if at that point, he were also dating someone else at the same time. I would prefer to know before he and I started dating, whether or not his philosophy on that was similar to mine.

I guess I’m too conservative or something.
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I don’t see a problem with “hanging out” or “going out” with more than one guy at different times, simuntaneously, until you become exclusive with one of them. There should be enough open communication that going out with a different guy isn’t the same as being “unfaithful.”

Too many people think things should be exclusive by date #3.
You’re just barely getting to know one another as friends by that time, IMHO. When you have the opportunity to spend time with more than one guy, then you can make some decisions about how you feel about one or the other of them.

What is your definition of “dating,” though? If by “dating” is you mean hugging and kissing, and doing those kinds of romantic things together, that to me defines exclusivity. If you’re doing that, your communication should be open enough to be able to discuss whether you are “dating” exclusively or not.
 
rwoehmke said:
Back in the olden days around 1975 or 80, my wife and I were amazed at how it seemed that when our kids dated someone once it was like they owned each other. We had rules. No dating before age 16.** No dates with the same person twice in a row without dating someone else in between. We could never figure out why young people in senior high and college would want to date only one person all the time for extended periods. It seemed to us that it would kill all the fun of getting to know lots of people of the opposite sex before making a choice to settle down**. We still don’t get it.🤷 🤷
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:clapping:
No, really…I think you DO.
 
graceandglory said:
I don’t see a problem with “hanging out” or “going out” with more than one guy at different times, simuntaneously, until you become exclusive with one of them. There should be enough open communication that going out with a different guy isn’t the same as being “unfaithful.”

Too many people think things should be exclusive by date #3.
You’re just barely getting to know one another as friends by that time, IMHO. When you have the opportunity to spend time with more than one guy, then you can make some decisions about how you feel about one or the other of them.

What is your definition of “dating,” though? If by “dating” is you mean hugging and kissing, and doing those kinds of romantic things together, that to me defines exclusivity. If you’re doing that, your communication should be open enough to be able to discuss whether you are “dating” exclusively or not.
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sorry, but I don’t even know what my definition of dating would be…I haven’t even been on one…I was just basing my statement on feelings, not experience:( 😦
 
I don’t see any problem as long as you’re not either saying explicitly that any of these dates are exclusive or else wrongfully leading your date to think that they are.
 
Here’s my take on things. A lot of people think that modern dating involves kissing on the first or second date, and sleeping together soon after that. This seems to be what men expect when they are dating someone, from what I’ve found. To make it easier on all involved, I only date people who have gotten to know me well enough to know I don’t do that, and whom I’ve gotten to know well enough to trust that they don’t do that either.

Basically, most of the men I’ve dated I have known through work or some social activity. Once attraction has been formed, we go out in groups and become friendly. I hang out with his friends, he hangs out with my friends, and sometimes we go out alone - but it’s never a date. Before I started dating my boyfriend, we had gone out eight or nine times over the course of a six month friendship. Only after we felt like we knew each other well did we start dating. Before that, it was friendship (with sparks that were being denied).

Once we started dating, we were exclusive from the get-go. Sure, he kissed me on the first date, but I already knew what I needed to know about him. I knew his friends, I knew his values, I knew his take on moral issues.

The whole “date many people to know what you want” thing doesn’t make sense to me. Be friends with many people, and evaluate what characteristics of theirs you’d like in a partner. Then expand your social circle until you find a partner who has the characteristics you want in a spouse. Then after you’ve gotten to know them and you’re certain that they’re the kind of person you’d be interested in, ask them on a date and be exclusive.

That’s how I do it, anyway.
 
Lady_Bug said:
sorry, but I don’t even know what my definition of dating would be…I haven’t even been on one…I was just basing my statement on feelings, not experience:( 😦
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Some people see “going out” and “dating” as the same thing, which is why they don’t see why it would be wrong to “date” more than one person at a time.

For me, the difference between “going out” and “dating” is that when you are just going out, it’s not so much a “couple” thing - other people can tag along. You’re “with” that person, but also interacting with other people, at the same time. For example, there is a young man and young woman in my Youth Group who “go out together” to Youth Group. He picks her up, and they come to Youth Group together.

If they were “dating” they wouldn’t come to Youth Group - they would do something where they can be by themselves and have a private conversation.
 
I suppose it depends a lot on how one defines dating. At one time it was any prearranged get together of two unmarried members of the opposite sex for some legitimate activity, like going to the theater, going dancing, going on a picnic, etc. Often enough more than one couple may have gotten together for a common activity. I never went on a date until the Spring of my Junior year in High School when three of us couples in one large car went to the Junior Prom. Before that time most of us had gathered in groups at dances, sports events etc. with no pairing off. During College and three years of grad school I dated lots of different girls, but none exclusively. We did what was called “playing the field.” At the end of that period two of us clicked, dated exclusively for almost a year with no hopping in bed, got married, and have been married now for almost fifty years. Evidently to date someone has now taken on a whole different shade of meaning. 🙂
 
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