Is it appropriate to attend a funeral of a friend have not seen since we were kids?

[ellam25]

A boy that I knew died on St Patrick’s day was a friend of mine in grade school. We were good friends and his mom was friends with my mom. He is having a funeral mass next saturday and I want to go but my husband thinks it might be inappropriate but I do not know funeral etiquette. I have not seen him since I was 12 or so (i’m 26 now) as i became homeschooled 7th grade year. But I never stopped liking him and always wanted to get in touch with him but he had no facebook and I had no current phone number. Any advice?

 

[1ke]

Abut my husband thinks it might be inappropriate

Why on earth would it be inappropriate? I can’t fathom a reason that it would be. Is there something more to the story than what you’ve relayed?

Go to the funeral, pay your respects to his mother and family, pray for the repose of his soul.

 

[adamhovey1988]

A boy that I knew died on St Patrick’s day was a friend of mine in grade school. We were good friends and his mom was friends with my mom. He is having a funeral mass next saturday and I want to go but my husband thinks it might be inappropriate but I do not know funeral etiquette. I have not seen him since I was 12 or so (i’m 26 now) as i became homeschooled 7th grade year. But I never stopped liking him and always wanted to get in touch with him but he had no facebook and I had no current phone number. Any advice?

I went to a paternal uncle’s funeral even though I’m not that close to my dad’s family. I even went to a funeral of someone whom I have never met because I had a friend whose mother died and I did it for her. Look if the dude was your friend even if you haven’t seen him in a long time and I’m 28 and I’ve got friends whom if I found out that died I would go to their funeral even if I hadn’t seen them in 20 years. I’ve gone to total strangers funerals to pray for their souls I don’t see a problem here. One of my ex-girlfriends became a widow and I didn’t get along with her husband but I still went to his funeral because he and I were friends at one point and because I needed to comfort her. I think going to the funeral would be fine I don’t see why your husband is having a problem. If nothing else you can go to pray for his soul

 

[Don_Ruggero]

A boy that I knew died on St Patrick’s day was a friend of mine in grade school. We were good friends and his mom was friends with my mom. He is having a funeral mass next saturday and I want to go but my husband thinks it might be inappropriate but I do not know funeral etiquette. I have not seen him since I was 12 or so (i’m 26 now) as i became homeschooled 7th grade year. But I never stopped liking him and always wanted to get in touch with him but he had no facebook and I had no current phone number. Any advice?

Yes, I have advice. He was your childhood friend. Of course you should go. It is a way to say farewell to someone who was part of your life and your family’s lives…and to pray for his soul…and to console his disconsolate mother and other loved ones, which is itself a great act of charity.

It is not abnormal for childhood friends to become separated as the paths of life take people in different directions…that does not affect the bonds of friendship that were once there. They should be honoured and cherished.

What does your husband think one needs to know for funeral etiquette? You wear something of somber or muted colour. You express your sorrow to the loved ones for the unspeakable loss they have suffered and perhaps offer a cherished memory to them as you greet them…and their conversation will guide you if they want to hear more of your recollections and talk with you about that chapter of his life. They may laugh at the memory or they may cry at the memory – but one offers the comfort of being with them in their grief.

And you pray for the repose of the soul of the one who died and for the comfort and strength of those who are left.

 

[ellam25]

Why on earth would it be inappropriate? I can’t fathom a reason that it would be. Is there something more to the story than what you’ve relayed?

Go to the funeral, pay your respects to his mother and family, pray for the repose of his soul.

No there is not more to the story. He was simply speculation showing up to funeral to someone I don’t really know anymore. But thank you everyone for he advice! I will surely go.

 

[Irishmom2]

Yes, you should go. His family will be touched by the thought that after all these years someone thought enough of your friend to come. My children have grown up going to wakes for relatives of schoolmates. In most cases, they have never met the relative. It is a sign of respect, and appreciated. In your case, you knew him long ago. It doesn’t matter. No one will wonder why you are there.

 

[Irishmom2]

Yes, I have advice. He was your childhood friend. Of course you should go. It is a way to say farewell to someone who was part of your life and your family’s lives…and to pray for his soul…and to console his disconsolate mother and other loved ones, which is itself a great act of charity.

It is not abnormal for childhood friends to become separated as the paths of life take people in different directions…that does not affect the bonds of friendship that were once there. They should be honoured and cherished.

What does your husband think one needs to know for funeral etiquette? You wear something of somber or muted colour. You express your sorrow to the loved ones for the unspeakable loss they have suffered and perhaps offer a cherished memory to them as you greet them…and their conversation will guide you if they want to hear more of your recollections and talk with you about that chapter of his life. They may laugh at the memory or they may cry at the memory – but one offers the comfort of being with them in their grief.

And you pray for the repose of the soul of the one who died and for the comfort and strength of those who are left.

Another beautifully worded post, Father.

 

[AnneElizabeth]

You never know how many people are going to show up at a funeral. Others might be thinking the same thing- that its inappropriate somehow and not come- and how do you think this feels for the family if hardly anyone shows up? It feels awful when no one comes to pay last respects and honor the life of someone they love. So please, do go.

I know of Catholics that go to funerals of people they don’t know who were fellow Catholics. They stay in the back and pray silently for the deceased and meet the family to be supportive. Its a ministry of sorts. They don’t even know the deceased, but it is still a very kind gesture.

 

[JurisPrudens]

A boy that I knew died on St Patrick’s day was a friend of mine in grade school. We were good friends and his mom was friends with my mom. He is having a funeral mass next saturday and I want to go but my husband thinks it might be inappropriate but I do not know funeral etiquette. I have not seen him since I was 12 or so (i’m 26 now) as i became homeschooled 7th grade year. But I never stopped liking him and always wanted to get in touch with him but he had no facebook and I had no current phone number. Any advice?

Catholic funerals are the acts of the Church. Here all people are brothers, whether they know each other or not. So, you should go.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

A boy that I knew died on St Patrick’s day was a friend of mine in grade school. We were good friends and his mom was friends with my mom. He is having a funeral mass next saturday and I want to go but my husband thinks it might be inappropriate but I do not know funeral etiquette. I have not seen him since I was 12 or so (i’m 26 now) as i became homeschooled 7th grade year. But I never stopped liking him and always wanted to get in touch with him but he had no facebook and I had no current phone number. Any advice?

Burying the dead is something we are told to do. It is a corporal work of mercy.

 

[Crusaderbear]

You valued his friendship. His life, however short, mattered. GO!

 

[Kurisu35712]

I’m with everyone else on this, especially since this was someone you were childhood friends with. I know of many people who showed up to my grandpa’s funeral who only knew him as an acquaintance but wanted to show their concern for his family and also to pay their respects. For a Catholic, even attending the funeral of a stranger in your parish is appropriate, if not encouraged when you have the time. It’s a powerful gesture, both spiritually as well as emotionally for the family. The only time I can think where this wouldn’t be the case is in instances of private funerals/visitations, but even then, the funeral mass itself is usually at least semi-public. Most are announced in the parish bulletin.

On top of all that, I imagine your friend will be quite touched that you attended his funeral even after all these years. Attending funerals is a display of both one’s love for the deceased, gratitude for your relationship, and celebration of their life (especially when you’re from New Orleans). You should definitely go if you’re able to make it.

 

[LittleScoty]

With the exception of the prayers offered I would say that funerals are really more for the living then the departed.

Go. Share the moment and see what doors God may open.

Best wishes and prayers

 

[pensmama87]

I know of Catholics that go to funerals of people they don’t know who were fellow Catholics. They stay in the back and pray silently for the deceased and meet the family to be supportive. Its a ministry of sorts. They don’t even know the deceased, but it is still a very kind gesture.

I did this once, accidentally. I am in a group of moms that periodically attends Daily Mass together at different parishes, and one day that I went it was a funeral. At first I felt very awkward, but we decided to stay and I’m glad we did - it was the five or so of us, our kids, a couple other daily Mass-goers, and then the deceased’s three children. That’s all. I really felt for that family.

 

[AnneElizabeth]

I did this once, accidentally. I am in a group of moms that periodically attends Daily Mass together at different parishes, and one day that I went it was a funeral. At first I felt very awkward, but we decided to stay and I’m glad we did - it was the five or so of us, our kids, a couple other daily Mass-goers, and then the deceased’s three children. That’s all. I really felt for that family.

As someone who’s loved one’s funeral had only a scant few in attendance I can say that having those people who did not know them come and help us was very touching. I’ll always remember it because they did not have to come and I’m certain it was uncomfortable for them to come to the funeral.

It feels like support, even if you know they did not know the deceased, and furthermore knowing that they decided to spend their time going to a funeral of all things was especially touching. No one wakes up one day and says “hey, I know! I’ll go hang out at a funeral of someone I don’t know!” Funerals are not ‘fun’. They are depressing and a creepy (just speaking the truth of typical human feelings here) No one really wants to be in the presence of death -being reminded of its existence works against all human egos (as the Bible puts it “the flesh”). When people come and show support- whether they were best friends, acquaintances, long lost friends, or even people who did not know them- having that support transcends the finality of death that we are all naturally grieved and frightened over. It brings hope warmth and light to that feeling of permanence, separation, loss, fear and grief. Showing faith in moments like that IS what our faith is all about in all situations. It is said that a three ply cord is not easily broken. Imagine what little the darkness can do to a 100 ply cord, or a 1,000, or a 10,000 ply cord? This is why we gather together. And why people should go if they get the chance too!

For someone to come and help the mourning and take that time out to show respect for the deceased- even if they don’t know them- is as uplifting (if not more so than) as that person that you walked by on the street who acknowledged your existence and worth with a bright smile and friendly greeting. Its a very warm gesture that I think all of us wish we would have more often.

So, yeah, its a God send to have respectful mourners.

 

[UbiCaritas]

You never know how many people are going to show up at a funeral. Others might be thinking the same thing- that its inappropriate somehow and not come- and how do you think this feels for the family if hardly anyone shows up? It feels awful when no one comes to pay last respects and honor the life of someone they love. So please, do go.

I know of Catholics that go to funerals of people they don’t know who were fellow Catholics. They stay in the back and pray silently for the deceased and meet the family to be supportive. Its a ministry of sorts. They don’t even know the deceased, but it is still a very kind gesture.

When someone dies at our church, there’s an email sent out with the funeral information so that anyone who’s able or interested can go. It’s understood that even if they didn’t know the person or family, it’s a kind thing to take a bit of time to go to the Mass and pray for the person’s soul and for their grieving family. While I haven’t lost anyone in the time we’ve attended this parish, I can certainly say that I’d appreciate that bit of kindness if I had, and ditto if I were the deceased!

A funeral Mass is a public event. It’s not like you’re inviting yourself over to dinner at his mom’s house afterwards.