Is it appropriate to tell someone to cut off other friends?

[angell1]

two of my close friends who I have known since childhood, so about 20 years, were dating, now they have broken up, apparently the guy behaved in some pretty deplorable ways but I have heard different versions of the story. I didn’t even find out until recently and most of it happened about a year ago. to be honest, I don’t even fully know which parts are true or not, it’s all just based on what each of them says so I’m leaving out most of the details.

now the girl says that if I was her loyal friend to her, I should cut all contact with the guy, even though I’ve been friends with him as well, otherwise it’s a betrayal, and another one of her friends, who I don’t even know, messaged me on facebook to say that I’m a disgusting person and a traitor.

my personal opinion? I find this kind of behaviour astounding and immature and just plain inappropriate.

as a personal conviction, I really hate cutting off people entirely, and I don’t feel like I should have to in this case, I simply can’t make any giant promises of never speaking to him for as long as I live or anything like that. I try to avoid being dragged in to other peoples’ drama

I can’t see myself ever asking my own friends to do something like that either, even if I feel like someone wronged me, I can’t just tell other people not to interact with them

i’ll admit though, I’m not the best with social situations, am i just wrong on this one somehow? does it really depend on how bad the other person behaved and what they did?

 

[PetraG]

I think it is appropriate to tell the female of your two friends that you would never tell someone else how they ought to respond to someone who has done wrong or that they have heard have done wrong and that you’re not going to accept someone else making that choice for you. It is one thing to warn you about a betrayal of trust committed by a mutual friend. You might actually need to know that. It is another thing to go around building a consensus for a group shunning. You might, however, want to think about just staying off of her radar entirely and not issuing any response you aren’t forced to issue, appropriate or not.

I don’t know what he did, but if agreeing to do shunning on demand is the price of her friendship, it is too high. Think about it: if your pastor told you he had the authority to tell you who you ought to be shunning, that would be a sign you have a cult leader instead of a pastor. If your mother told you to shun people for the sake of some social agenda of hers, that would be manipulative. The message from the friend who doesn’t even know you also shows the lengths to which this is going. You yourself are being publicly and personally denigrated by someone you don’t even know based on hearsay about you! She’s not saying you’re failing your friend! She’s saying you are a lesser brand of human being!

My guess is that you don’t need to shun this friend. If you directly tell her that you don’t even shun people over your own grudges and won’t be told to shun people over theirs, and I think you’ll find it will be her shunning you. In your place, I would take your own suggested track of just avoiding the drama as much as you can. Based on what has happened so far, the less you are on this female friend’s radar of attention, the better it will go for you. You’ve already seen that she won’t have any qualms about venting her spleen at you.

Your idea of saying, “I can’t promise that” if you are confronted directly and leaving it at that seems like a good one. If she asks why, just tell her the truth: You have never been able to cut someone off even when the person wronged you directly, so it isn’t reasonable to think you’ll do it for anyone else. You know yourself, and cutting people off just isn’t who you are. I would stay away from correcting her, but don’t apologize for being yourself when being yourself is a charitable way to be.

Let’s pray that she calms down and this blows over. In the meantime, don’t betray yourself but also don’t feel a need to be a hero. It isn’t likely to accomplish good and could even stir up ill will against you.

 

[Mtatum1958]

now the girl says that if I was her loyal friend to her, I should cut all contact with the guy,

I’m probably not the most tactful person. If you were really my friend you wouldn’t try to control my life. In situations like this, you will, a best, get their bias comments.

 

[1ke]

now the girl says that if I was her loyal friend to her, I should cut all contact with the guy, even though I’ve been friends with him as well, otherwise it’s a betrayal,

These are waters you will navigate through your life. I have always had a policy that I do not take sides and I am friends with who I am friends with by my own choice. If someone doesn’t like it, or tells me if I stay friends with X then they will no longer be my friend my response is always-- “that is your choice.”

No one takes my choices from me.

and another one of her friends, who I don’t even know, messaged me on facebook to say that I’m a disgusting person and a traitor.

That would result in me immediately blocking this person.

I find this kind of behaviour astounding and immature and just plain inappropriate.

Yes, which is why you tell your friend that while you understand that she is upset, you do not choose your friends based on whether other friends like them or are currently in a feud with them.

am i just wrong on this one somehow?

No Angel, there is nothing wrong with your social barometer here.

 

[farronwolf]

Just tell her it was her that chose to be in a relationship that went bad, not you. So the fact that she wants you to change your behavior based on something she did is kind of a stretch for her to ask of you.

Tell her if she truly is a friend she won’t ask you to do anything other than be her friend. Just because you have X as a friend doesn’t mean that you can’t also have Y as a friend.

Time will tell which of the two are actually worth keeping as a friend. She is loosing the race currently IMO>

 

[angell1]

actually, I had been forced to cut off one person by my family in the past, it was not a good feeling or situation to be in, that’s actually one of the big reasons I’m so against it now

 

[Joe_5859]

I agree with what has been said above. Though it doesn’t seem like you have much contact with them to begin with if this high-drama break-up happened a year ago and you are just finding out about it now.

That being the case, it seems you could continue on with your minimal interaction with them without the need for extensive explanations to either of them.

 

[PetraG]

actually, I had been forced to cut off one person by my family in the past, it was not a good feeling or situation to be in, that’s actually one of the big reasons I’m so against it now

It is a very serious course of action, and not one that is undertaken as a punishment. It isn’t something you do to honor a grudge. As you obviously realize, it is something done when it becomes it is clear that this is the only way to put a stop to directly offensive behavior that should not be endured: a way to stop toxicity. I cannot imagine when it would be appropriate to require people not directly affected by the toxic behavior to shun someone. I could see a host refusing to invite someone who has been toxic towards another guest, even if not to the host, but I can’t see shunning ever being something you do generally, let alone that you do based on hearsay.

 

[JanR]

Long time friends deserve better than to just be dropped like a hot potato simply because of what somebody else says. And even if it’s true, you have the right to decide for yourself, and you would want to get the facts, preferably firsthand from HIM, before making any judgments. I would say that his choice of whether or not to continue his relationship with this girl is his business. It might not be appropriate, or proper, to question him about it.

I think it would be best to treat his fellow as you would want to be treated, to mind your own business about it, and continue the friendship unless he gives you a very important reason for ending it. After all, he hasn’t turned his back on YOU.

Don’t let others dictate your relationships to you.

 

[Elias]

Tell her that your friendship with the male has nothing to do with her. Agree to not be with both of them at the same time in a social situation, but also tell her that if she was your true friend she would be mature enough to respect your others friends enough to not force you to shun them.

If she still gives you the ultimatum tell her that she will no longer be your friend until she comes to her senses.

 

[redbetta]

Given the way your female friend is behaving, I wouldn’t be surprised if she embellished some of what she said her ex did that was so bad. Maybe even most or all of it.

Anyway, tell her you are free to associate with whoever.

 

[angell1]

you are correct, I didn’t, they both basically ignored me and my attempts to reach out. which is fine, I get that people are busy and go through things and aren’t always available to chat or whatever.

but she expected me to know every single detail of the situation based on her facebook posts, most of which I never even saw, which is ridiculous anyways, if you really want your friend to know something important, you should just tell them, I really don’t have time to check social media that often

 

[angell1]

thanks for the confirmation,

you were right by the way, I really do seem to know a high concentration of crazy people

 

[1ke]

you were right by the way, I really do seem to know a high concentration of crazy people

Oh angel, thank you for the laughs!!

It’s not funny but it is funny.

Also, we all know a high concentration of crazy people. It will just take you a while to trust your gut when it comes to dealing with them.