B
benjammin
Guest
Anymore, I find myself just not wanting to give a darn. For a few years I thought I was called to marriage. I remember going to a retreat and praying and feel that I was called to be married and have kids. Mostly because I realized that I am a person who needs people, and being alone isn’t really good for me. (not that its the only reason I want to get married, but I need that support). However, lately I just feel so down on the whole marriage thing.
I feel that i’m not good looking enough to get a girl. I mean even devout girls need something to look at and get them interested. However, rather than work on my appearance, I find myself not caring, and saying “if girls don’t like me for who I am, then its their fault”. I don’t really feel motivated to lose weight or work on my appearance and that I don’t want to change since i’m just fine and its hard for me to lose weight.
I also find myself wanting to be less social. Sure I want friends and want people to go out with, but I don’t have many friends nearby, and though I try to go out, I end up going out alone and feeling like some wierdo creep, and anymore I just say screw it. I’d rather stay at home and be lonely where people couldn’t see me, and only go out for mass, my job, and just to hang out and watch football, even if it is alone. I feel anymore like people just don’t like me or think i’m a good friend, and that if they don’t want to, I’ll just stay by myself no matter how lonely it gets. I’m starting to hate social events. It takes great effort just to talk to random strangers, and i’m afraid they’ll think i’m creepy or weird.
I wish I could feel more interested. I still want to date and find a wife, but anymore it just seems so hard, and girls just seem to think i’m nice. I’ve tried Catholicmatch, as well as match, and nothing’s worked out, except one girl I went out w/ three times (granted it was probably for the best. I don’t think she was as committed of a catholic as I was.) Anyway i just end up feeling dissapointed in both them and myself. Its like i’m just to bland, but maybe thats just it. Maybe my calling is just to work and go to church and pray until I die
Anyway, i’m starting to feel like married life, while it would be wonderful, seems to be too hard. At least the finding a wife part. I feel like it just would be too much effort, and even though it makes me sad that’ll i’d never get to experience being with a girl or the joys of marriage, at least if I just give up, I know what to expect. In a way its kind of comforting. I’d rather jsut be alone and depressed, relying on God to make me feel better and hopefully just live out my dull life until he calls me home.
So could this be a call to the single life, or am I just drowning in depression? Anymore i feel like i’d rather just say single. It would be depressing, but easier. It’s so hard to talk to girls. I mean for heaven’s sake I only have 1 female friend. I must be weird or something. I just feel like anymore i don’t care about marriage. Also, while there were girls I was interested in, i’ve never made a move on them ,and for the past few months i’ve just come to the conclusion they’d rather not talk to me. I also get the feeling that a lot of the best girls are already taken by 23, at least here where i live in the Heartland where most people are still married in their early 20’s. Anyway, it just feels like no girls out there, and even if their is one, its my luck she lives way too far away and I can’t meet her often.
Anyway, sorry for the long rant. I just need some way to get this out. Hopefully I can find some answers. All I know is that I don’t want to be priest or religious, but i shift between singlehood and mariatge, though singlehood is more of a default vocation than a real one. I just feel like though that singlehood would be easier, even if more stressful
Anyway, God bless and thanks for reading
Benjammin
I feel that i’m not good looking enough to get a girl. I mean even devout girls need something to look at and get them interested. However, rather than work on my appearance, I find myself not caring, and saying “if girls don’t like me for who I am, then its their fault”. I don’t really feel motivated to lose weight or work on my appearance and that I don’t want to change since i’m just fine and its hard for me to lose weight.
I also find myself wanting to be less social. Sure I want friends and want people to go out with, but I don’t have many friends nearby, and though I try to go out, I end up going out alone and feeling like some wierdo creep, and anymore I just say screw it. I’d rather stay at home and be lonely where people couldn’t see me, and only go out for mass, my job, and just to hang out and watch football, even if it is alone. I feel anymore like people just don’t like me or think i’m a good friend, and that if they don’t want to, I’ll just stay by myself no matter how lonely it gets. I’m starting to hate social events. It takes great effort just to talk to random strangers, and i’m afraid they’ll think i’m creepy or weird.
I wish I could feel more interested. I still want to date and find a wife, but anymore it just seems so hard, and girls just seem to think i’m nice. I’ve tried Catholicmatch, as well as match, and nothing’s worked out, except one girl I went out w/ three times (granted it was probably for the best. I don’t think she was as committed of a catholic as I was.) Anyway i just end up feeling dissapointed in both them and myself. Its like i’m just to bland, but maybe thats just it. Maybe my calling is just to work and go to church and pray until I die
Anyway, i’m starting to feel like married life, while it would be wonderful, seems to be too hard. At least the finding a wife part. I feel like it just would be too much effort, and even though it makes me sad that’ll i’d never get to experience being with a girl or the joys of marriage, at least if I just give up, I know what to expect. In a way its kind of comforting. I’d rather jsut be alone and depressed, relying on God to make me feel better and hopefully just live out my dull life until he calls me home.
So could this be a call to the single life, or am I just drowning in depression? Anymore i feel like i’d rather just say single. It would be depressing, but easier. It’s so hard to talk to girls. I mean for heaven’s sake I only have 1 female friend. I must be weird or something. I just feel like anymore i don’t care about marriage. Also, while there were girls I was interested in, i’ve never made a move on them ,and for the past few months i’ve just come to the conclusion they’d rather not talk to me. I also get the feeling that a lot of the best girls are already taken by 23, at least here where i live in the Heartland where most people are still married in their early 20’s. Anyway, it just feels like no girls out there, and even if their is one, its my luck she lives way too far away and I can’t meet her often.
Anyway, sorry for the long rant. I just need some way to get this out. Hopefully I can find some answers. All I know is that I don’t want to be priest or religious, but i shift between singlehood and mariatge, though singlehood is more of a default vocation than a real one. I just feel like though that singlehood would be easier, even if more stressful
Anyway, God bless and thanks for reading
Benjammin
