Is it enough to just want to believe?

[Joelle_M]

I can’t- for the life of me figure out what is going on with me!

I am starved. I feel utterly empty. Trapped behind an unmoveable wall. I fell away from the Church for a long while- although always called myself a catholic and believed in God. 6 or so years ago I started coming back and although I’ve had some pretty amazing things happen, I stumbled back and forth many times. I’m living with my BF of 17 years, with our son… thought for months I have been sleeping in a different room so that I could be “right” with God. I will admit to having gotten drunk a few times and succumbing to temptation with him- but I have recently been absolved again and am staying strong. This week I told him we are officially on a break- I’ve given him his freedom to do what he wants- because I’m sick to death of him not knowing what he wants.

I’m on day 2 of weekday morning masses (since this past Saturday I’ve gone to church every day but Monday). I am praying my rosary daily. I am doing a 30 day devotion for the souls in purgatory. I am praying St Bridget’s 1 year prayer. I’ve barely watched any TV- everything I have done has been related to my faith. I am taking steps to educate my son and read the bible with him every night. I have made steps to contact someone about my son and I volunteering with my church. Honestly, I"m starting to wonder if I’m being called to a life of chastity… especially if my BF doesn’t come around and have the miraculous conversion from atheism that I am praying for. If I didn’t have a child - I would be very tempted to up and leave and devote my life to some kind of catholic ministry.

WHY DO I FEEL SO EMPTY? Is there something else I should be doing? Is there something more? I used to feel tormented by the devil- everytime I tried to increase my prayer life as a child I would be tormented by horrible nightmares- and unexplainable feelings of dread- but now NOTHING. Nada. Before- I used to find it easier to believe in God because the nightmares I was plagued with were proof to me that satan exists- and so God must exist.

I am talking the talk- and walking the walk. I can speak to people about God and have been told that I’m inspiring- that I have a gift- that they feel something when I talk to them- why can’t I fully believe what I am saying? Why am I so full of doubts? Why aren’t things getting clearer? It would be so much easier doing all of this if I didn’t feel so empty!

Anyone else feel this way? Is my understanding of what faith is supposed to feel like skewed? Am I expecting too much? Is it enough that I WANT to believe everything I’m doing is pleasing to God- and being done for a reason?

Gahhh! This is so disheartening!

 

[Joelle_M]

To be clear about me getting drunk and sleeping with my bf- I have identified alcohol as being a problem and I have made it clear to everyone in my life that I am no longer taking part in that aspect of their lives. I really only go out every few months- and only drink when I go out). The ones who want to see me will have to do so without alcohol- because clearly I have no control over myself when I’ve been drinking (I love him-and it becomes very hard to say no after drinking because I’m lonely). That’s why my priest felt confident giving me absolution… he sees me taking steps to correct my behaviour.

 

[CatholicRaven]

I think you are doing the right things. Keep praying, “Lord, I believe… help my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24).

Obedience and love are difficult things when there seem to be no immediate “rewards” for them, like a pat on the back or at least a feeling of warmth or dispelling of doubt. You are continuing to love and obey even without getting anything in return, and that’s an awesome thing–that’s real love, real faith. You are inspiring!

Keep in mind, the devil doesn’t always come raging in like a crazed beast. Sometimes, he’s subtle and quiet, planting doubts and whispering discouragements. He may have decided to change his game plan, to try and convince you that he doesn’t exist, rather than torment you with nightmares, hoping that you will also begin to doubt God’s existence.

Your struggle reminded me of a story. Maybe you’ve heard it before.
There was a hermit who lived on a mountain. Near his home, there was a huge boulder. God told the man to push on the rock each day, and so he did. But as he pushed, the devil planted doubts in the man’s mind: “You really think you can push that rock and make it move? You’re too weak.” “Look at you, working so hard to have no effect on the boulder at all.” “You’ve been pushing for weeks and months, and the rock hasn’t moved even a fraction of an inch.” “Why keep pushing, when you know it’s never going to move?”
Finally, the man asked God in frustration, “Why, Lord, did you ask me to do this? The boulder is never going to move. I can’t do it!”
God said to him, “I didn’t ask you to move the boulder. I only asked you to push on it, and so you have. Your endurance has grown, your lungs and heart are stronger. Notice the toned muscles in your legs, the strength you’ve gained in your back and arms. It was you who needed change, not the boulder, and by obeying Me in faith, you have become stronger.”
So, too, we become spiritually stronger when we obey God in faith, even (or especially!) when it seems like nothing is happening. That usually means the changes are on the inside.

Try to recall some of the ways God shows you His Love each day–the “little blessings” that are in all of our lives, but which we tend to overlook. Perhaps read some books that increase your knowledge or intellectual reasons for faith, if you think that may help. But especially, keep praying. There’s no better way to build a close relationship than by talking and listening, one on one.

I think, if you can get through this rough spot, your faith will be much stronger for it.

I will also pray for you.

 

[St_Francis]

You are very focused, and that is good, but it sounds like now you lack balance in your life. Maybe if you do some fun stuff with your son, like going to the park, playing board games, etc., it will help.

Welcome back

 

[Irishmom2]

I can’t- for the life of me figure out what is going on with me!

I’m living with my BF of 17 years, with our son.

I’ve given him his freedom to do what he wants- because I’m sick to death of him not knowing what he wants.

WHY DO I FEEL SO EMPTY? Is there something else I should be doing? Is there something more?

I am talking the talk- and walking the walk. I can speak to people about God and have been told that I’m inspiring- that I have a gift- that they feel something when I talk to them- why can’t I fully believe what I am saying? Why am I so full of doubts? Why aren’t things getting clearer? It would be so much easier doing all of this if I didn’t feel so empty!

I have left parts of your post that I think are important.

Why are you not married to the father of your child? In 17 years, he hasn’t figured out if he wants to be with you or not? And you, for your part, are letting him do what he wants instead of making a decision. Perhaps this is what is causing your emptiness?

I commend you for all you are doing to draw closer to God, and you are talking the talk, but not walking the walk.

I would suggest that you do not wait for your boyfriend, but rather move on with your life. You should not be living with him, even though you have a child together. Maybe you know this is not right, and despite all of your inspiring words to others, and all of your prayers, you feel empty. Do you think that God is going to fill your emptiness when you are not living as Is His will for you?

 

[Joelle_M]

I think you are doing the right things. Keep praying, “Lord, I believe… help my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24).

Obedience and love are difficult things when there seem to be no immediate “rewards” for them, like a pat on the back or at least a feeling of warmth or dispelling of doubt. You are continuing to love and obey even without getting anything in return, and that’s an awesome thing–that’s real love, real faith. You are inspiring!

Keep in mind, the devil doesn’t always come raging in like a crazed beast. Sometimes, he’s subtle and quiet, planting doubts and whispering discouragements. He may have decided to change his game plan, to try and convince you that he doesn’t exist, rather than torment you with nightmares, hoping that you will also begin to doubt God’s existence.

Your struggle reminded me of a story. Maybe you’ve heard it before.
There was a hermit who lived on a mountain. Near his home, there was a huge boulder. God told the man to push on the rock each day, and so he did. But as he pushed, the devil planted doubts in the man’s mind: “You really think you can push that rock and make it move? You’re too weak.” “Look at you, working so hard to have no effect on the boulder at all.” “You’ve been pushing for weeks and months, and the rock hasn’t moved even a fraction of an inch.” “Why keep pushing, when you know it’s never going to move?”
Finally, the man asked God in frustration, “Why, Lord, did you ask me to do this? The boulder is never going to move. I can’t do it!”
God said to him, “I didn’t ask you to move the boulder. I only asked you to push on it, and so you have. Your endurance has grown, your lungs and heart are stronger. Notice the toned muscles in your legs, the strength you’ve gained in your back and arms. It was you who needed change, not the boulder, and by obeying Me in faith, you have become stronger.”
So, too, we become spiritually stronger when we obey God in faith, even (or especially!) when it seems like nothing is happening. That usually means the changes are on the inside.

Try to recall some of the ways God shows you His Love each day–the “little blessings” that are in all of our lives, but which we tend to overlook. Perhaps read some books that increase your knowledge or intellectual reasons for faith, if you think that may help. But especially, keep praying. There’s no better way to build a close relationship than by talking and listening, one on one.

I think, if you can get through this rough spot, your faith will be much stronger for it.

I will also pray for you.

I’d never heard that story, thank you for sharing. I do my best to try to recognise all of “the little things”, as well as the big ones… it’s just hard to hold on. Obviously my patience is lacking. It makes me frustrated at times that I’m taking on so much and not gaining any clarity. I realize this is the cross I have to bear right now- I just wish it would become clearer.

 

[persevere71]

You are not alone ! I feel the same at times although I am not as dedicated as what you mentioned , I do pray the rosary often I do say prayers when Im driving and I try hard to be a good person to all and I feel empty … is anyone listening? at the same time I do believe prayers will change your life . I prayed about something for two years before finally getting an answer… just recently I prayed about something and it took 5 months for me to see a glimpse of what I am praying about but yes that empty feeling is there . I teach my boys about saints and prayers and I feel like when I start praying more or feel like I am getting closer to God and Mary something bad happens and I dont tell anyone because it sounds a little “weird” .

 

[Joelle_M]

You are very focused, and that is good, but it sounds like now you lack balance in your life. Maybe if you do some fun stuff with your son, like going to the park, playing board games, etc., it will help.

Welcome back

Balance is a hard thing right now. I’m having a hard time coping with my life situation… I think I’ve become mildly depressed and the only thing keeping me from laying in bed wanting to cry is the fact that I have responsibilities. I have a full time job, I am a mother. Prayer is sustaining me- keeping me from completely letting go. Know what I mean? My prayers and studies right now keep my mind busy while I’m not working or parenting. That’s partially why i’m looking into volunteering… it’ll get me out of the house to do something that makes my heart happy.

 

[Joelle_M]

I have left parts of your post that I think are important.

Why are you not married to the father of your child? In 17 years, he hasn’t figured out if he wants to be with you or not? And you, for your part, are letting him do what he wants instead of making a decision. Perhaps this is what is causing your emptiness?

I commend you for all you are doing to draw closer to God, and you are talking the talk, but not walking the walk.

I would suggest that you do not wait for your boyfriend, but rather move on with your life. You should not be living with him, even though you have a child together. Maybe you know this is not right, and despite all of your inspiring words to others, and all of your prayers, you feel empty. Do you think that God is going to fill your emptiness when you are not living as Is His will for you?

I was 20 when I got pregnant. 20 and far from my faith. We got pregnant after something that should have probably been a one night stand. But it wasn’t. Mikey (my son), has saved my life… and I believe if it wasn’t for him- his father would probably be in a very terrible state today (if his lifestyle hadn’t killed him). He is an atheist, brought up in a broken home- who was abandoned by his biological father and raised by a very strict stepfather, his Anglican mother was not brought up in a God fearing home so she never taught her kids.

My reasons for staying are unclear to me at times- but one thing is clear. I REFUSE to give up on him. He was never taught about God- has no idea how to believe. Everything I am doing right now I am offering up as a prayer- as penitance- in the hopes that God will open his heart. I refuse to give up on him… until he tells me it’s over and that he needs to move on- I will stay by his side silently and pray for his salvation. That is honestly the only thing that is the least bit clear to me right now. If we decide to split up (and it seems as though that’s probably going to happen)… I can see myself giving up chances at love in the future to live a chaste life- because I love him and I don’t want him to go to hell. I would live the rest of my life alone- in return for his salvation.

Our relationship is painful… and although he seems really selfish and hard headed at times- he is a good person… and he deserves someone in his corner who won’t give up on his soul. He too- deserves to know God’s love.

That- is why I’m still here.

 

[Joelle_M]

You are not alone ! I feel the same at times although I am not as dedicated as what you mentioned , I do pray the rosary often I do say prayers when Im driving and I try hard to be a good person to all and I feel empty … is anyone listening? at the same time I do believe prayers will change your life . I prayed about something for two years before finally getting an answer… just recently I prayed about something and it took 5 months for me to see a glimpse of what I am praying about but yes that empty feeling is there . I teach my boys about saints and prayers and I feel like when I start praying more or feel like I am getting closer to God and Mary something bad happens and I dont tell anyone because it sounds a little “weird” .

It’s really discouraging. I hate to say it- I’m glad I’m not alone- I was beginning to wonder if I was going a bit crazy.

I wonder sometimes if my perception on faith is wrong. I look around me and read some of the comments people write and they sound so incredibly sure… and I envy that. I wish I could be so sure. Then I turn around and say something, or write something that seems inspired and wonder how I could possibly sound so sure of myself- when my spiritual life just seems so fragile. Know what I mean?

Maybe God is just testing me so that I will become more patient… God knows he’s been patient with me.

 

[1Lord1Faith]

I am assuming that when I am judged by God, the judgement will be on my actions not my feelings. And mercy will be given to me based on the mercy I showed others. Pray for your husband and tell him what you believe.

 

[persevere71]

It’s really discouraging. I hate to say it- I’m glad I’m not alone- I was beginning to wonder if I was going a bit crazy.

I wonder sometimes if my perception on faith is wrong. I look around me and read some of the comments people write and they sound so incredibly sure… and I envy that. I wish I could be so sure. Then I turn around and say something, or write something that seems inspired and wonder how I could possibly sound so sure of myself- when my spiritual life just seems so fragile. Know what I mean?

Maybe God is just testing me so that I will become more patient… God knows he’s been patient with me.

Maybe it is a test … I used to give up a lot in the past not intentionally but I know its because I had that feeling of " Nothing happened…everything stayed the same" I no longer do that I forgive myself and of course ask for forgiveness because that guilt can bring that empty feeling, persevere and trust God. I think we all have our own different relationship with God. Your words are inspiring even if you don’t feel it . so yeah I know what you feel!

 

[Ridgerunner]

It’s really discouraging. I hate to say it- I’m glad I’m not alone- I was beginning to wonder if I was going a bit crazy.

I wonder sometimes if my perception on faith is wrong. I look around me and read some of the comments people write and they sound so incredibly sure… and I envy that. I wish I could be so sure. Then I turn around and say something, or write something that seems inspired and wonder how I could possibly sound so sure of myself- when my spiritual life just seems so fragile. Know what I mean?

Maybe God is just testing me so that I will become more patient… God knows he’s been patient with me.

We’re not asked by God to be sure of Him. We’re asked to have faith in him. Those are very different things. If, as a child, I have a parent who has an alcohol problem, and if I see him take a drink, I am sure he will get drunk. If, however, he dries out and stays on the wagon, I don’t KNOW he will stay on the wagon, I have faith that he will.

It was not for nothing that Christ bade us to “become as little children”. Little children have a lot of faith, perhaps because there isn’t much they can actually control. As we get older, we don’t so much because we think we have more control than we do and expect certitudes.

“Faith” is more like “trust” than it is like “knowing”.

You’re not crazy at all.

 

[Joelle_M]

“Faith” is more like “trust” than it is like “knowing”.

That is a helpful perspective. Clearly I have quite a bit to learn. I’ve always just thought faith in God meant you were sure. I feel like I used to be- but now that I’m trying harder than I ever have- I can’t reach my lifeline. I understand that as humans- we are broken. We have no way of really understanding it all- we’re not built like that. I wholeheartedly WANT and need to believe though. It kind of makes me feel like a bit of a failure and disappointment… like Our Lord must be sitting up there looking down at me at times facepalming himself and shaking his head. I speak from the heart, and spread his message as much as I can… with the limited knowledge I hold of course. My heart knows that I have to keep going, I just wish the cloud would lift a little to allow me to get a bit of sunshine I guess. I want to be an instrument for him. I want to DO something important… I’d be so much more useful to Him if I could get my head on straight.

Maybe this is my penance. God knows I’ve spent more than half my life a real disappointment to him. Maybe he wants me to suffer a while longer to prove I can make it. Or maybe this is what it will take to win Mike his salvation. I guess If I look at it that way, it’ll be worth it some day.

Thank you for your words.

 

[nuntym]

+JMJ+

That is a helpful perspective. Clearly I have quite a bit to learn. I’ve always just thought faith in God meant you were sure. I feel like I used to be- but now that I’m trying harder than I ever have- I can’t reach my lifeline. I understand that as humans- we are broken. We have no way of really understanding it all- we’re not built like that. I wholeheartedly WANT and need to believe though. It kind of makes me feel like a bit of a failure and disappointment… like Our Lord must be sitting up there looking down at me at times facepalming himself and shaking his head. I speak from the heart, and spread his message as much as I can… with the limited knowledge I hold of course. My heart knows that I have to keep going, I just wish the cloud would lift a little to allow me to get a bit of sunshine I guess. I want to be an instrument for him. I want to DO something important… I’d be so much more useful to Him if I could get my head on straight.

Maybe this is my penance. God knows I’ve spent more than half my life a real disappointment to him. Maybe he wants me to suffer a while longer to prove I can make it. Or maybe this is what it will take to win Mike his salvation. I guess If I look at it that way, it’ll be worth it some day.

Thank you for your words.

It is not just because we are broken and sinful that we cannot understand God. Not understanding God is the human condition, no matter how sinful or sinless we are.

Case in point: the Blessed Virgin Mary. We know that by the grace of God she never had the taint of sin on her soul, body, mind, and heart; she was as perfect as a human can ever be. But, even then, most of the time she did not understand the actions of God.

During the annunciation, Gabriel had to say to her: “Do not fear, Mary!” And she was confused when she heard about being the Mother of God; she wouldn’t have asked “How can this be, since I know not man?” if it was otherwise.

When she and Joseph lost Jesus when He was 12 years old (Luke 2:41-52), they were frantic and frightened, and Mary even told Jesus after finding Him in the temple, “Son, why have you treated us like this? Your father and I have been anxiously searching for you.” Those were not the words of someone who understood how God acts or thinks. And then both Mary and Joseph did not understand what Jesus said to them afterwards, as St. Luke wrote.

Heck, even Jesus, God Himself made man, does not fully know all of the Father’s actions. Remember Him saying nobody but the Father knows the time of His second coming, not even Himself?

That is the reason why I keep on telling myself “Let go and let God be God.” Let Him be mysterious, let Him be silent. He has no obligation to make His presence known to me nor answer my prayers the way I want them to be answered. Besides, isn’t it when we love someone, we are supposed to let him or her be who he or she is? So why should we shoehorn into our expectations Love Himself?

To “let go and let God be God” is another way of saying to trust fully in God. Let us do that, and then let us be at peace.