Is it ever ok to cut ties with a family member?

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shelly5254

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My sister and I have been having issues for some time. Most recently was her refusal to attend my sons baptism. My son is 12 and had been looking forward to the Easter Vigil for months! I don’t have to tell you how important this day was for him and for us. Three days before my sister sent a text saying that she mailed my sons gift and would not be attending. She lives 10 miles from me so I don’t understand why she’d mail his gift to begin with. She said that she had no interest in baptisms and was busy getting ready for her own sons wedding. Heres why I am upset…she has been to two of my nieces baptisms, she went to my confirmation last year, she came to see the kids in church plays in the past. So obviously its not just the fact that it was a church ceremony. I tried to explain to her that my sons baptism was as important to us as her sons wedding was to her and that my son was in tears at the news that she would not come.she got defensive, in the end she did not come.
She is often saying rude things to me and my kids. She tells my 17 yr old that he is lazy and that’s why he has bad grades in school. This son has had a terrible head injury and is having to see a neurologist to determine if that is the cause for his lack of focus and emotional issues. She just rolls her eyes when I tell her I believe there is something wrong with him and that he’s not just lazy.
These are just a couple issues. I’m fed up!! I don’t know what to do from here…do I cut ties or just let her rudeness roll of my back? I’m uncomfortable being around her. I don’t want to tell her any thing that is going on in my life because she just uses it to judge me. If I don’t continue a relationship with her our family get togethers will be so tense for everyone. any one else have that one family member they just dont get along with?
 
I suggest you keep it as superficial as possible with her. Don’t share any personal information. Don’t invite her to things. Don’t engage in arguments. And don’t expect anything from her.

I cut ties with my dad a few years ago and I honestly think that something like that is the last thing one should do, when things are beyond unbearable and painful. I personally don’t consider rudeness a good enough reason for such a step. If there is a way to deal with such people - even if it means a superficial relationship and seeing them rarely - I think it is worth keeping the door open.
 
I agree…its more then rudeness…These were just a couple recent examples
 
I understand. That is always the case. Examples can’t really convey the depth of our experience.

If I were you I’d distance myself completely and see her only when there is a big family gathering where meeting her simply can’t be avoided. I think it is worth keeping some contact because cutting ties can be much more difficult when it comes to family. That is my experience.
 
you have a lot here going on. First of all how soon is the wedding to the baptism? Even though she didn’t come, she did send a gift. If she repeated does say the condescending rude things to your oldest son, I am not sure why you are upset she didn’t show up for this ad give her more opportunities to be nasty. I also think begging her to come plays into her control as well. She is the one that loses if she doesn’t show, not you. Since she lives close and it seems like you have an involved extended family, you are not going to successfully “cut her off”. I think you are going to have to be smarter at what you invite her to and if she doesn’t show, let it go and not get into this begging of her to come to things. If you do have family get togethers, and she says stupid things to your 17 year old, I would let her know that these sorts of things are unacceptable and walk off. Just try to keep the relationship cordial as possible and don’t expect much and don’t fall into the begin trap. I am not sure why your son got so upset at the no show. Is he close to her? He is going to have to learn that people in life may not attend things like we think they should or could so you and him, let it go and move on.
 
shelly5254 said:
My sister and I have been having issues for some time. Most recently was her refusal to attend my sons baptism. My son is 12 and had been looking forward to the Easter Vigil for months! I don’t have to tell you how important this day was for him and for us. Three days before my sister sent a text saying that she mailed my sons gift and would not be attending. She lives 10 miles from me so I don’t understand why she’d mail his gift to begin with. She said that she had no interest in baptisms and was busy getting ready for her own sons wedding. Heres why I am upset…she has been to two of my nieces baptisms, she went to my confirmation last year, she came to see the kids in church plays in the past. So obviously its not just the fact that it was a church ceremony. I tried to explain to her that my sons baptism was as important to us as her sons wedding was to her and that my son was in tears at the news that she would not come.she got defensive, in the end she did not come.
She is often saying rude things to me and my kids. She tells my 17 yr old that he is lazy and that’s why he has bad grades in school. This son has had a terrible head injury and is having to see a neurologist to determine if that is the cause for his lack of focus and emotional issues. She just rolls her eyes when I tell her I believe there is something wrong with him and that he’s not just lazy.
These are just a couple issues. I’m fed up!! I don’t know what to do from here…do I cut ties or just let her rudeness roll of my back? I’m uncomfortable being around her. I don’t want to tell her any thing that is going on in my life because she just uses it to judge me. If I don’t continue a relationship with her our family get togethers will be so tense for everyone. any one else have that one family member they just dont get along with?
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Our Lord said we should forgive eachother without limit - as he forgives us in Confession.
We should never cut ties with anyone, you should treat her just as you would other family members. However you should strive to avoid sensitive topics and try to set an example of humility and meekness. That doesn’t mean you have to become a punching bag or that you have to let her abuse your own family. When she gets abusive, just tell her you would rather not discuss " that, " that you will handle " whatever " your self and trust that God will make things come out for the best. And, by the way, most of us have a similar problem and all of us must pray for the gift of forgiveness.

Linus2nd
 
Contra_Mundum said:
I suggest you keep it as superficial as possible with her. Don’t share any personal information. Don’t invite her to things. Don’t engage in arguments. And don’t expect anything from her.

I cut ties with my dad a few years ago and I honestly think that something like that is the last thing one should do, when things are beyond unbearable and painful. I personally don’t consider rudeness a good enough reason for such a step. If there is a way to deal with such people - even if it means a superficial relationship and seeing them rarely - I think it is worth keeping the door open.
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I agree, when I was having sibling problems I talked to our priest about it and he said pray for them and place them on the Paten and in the Chalice at Mass. And things have slowly improved . God Bless, Memaw
 
Indeed, it is sometimes okay to cut off with family if it’s going to cause unhappiness for all concerned.
 
Contra_Mundum said:
I suggest you keep it as superficial as possible with her. Don’t share any personal information. Don’t invite her to things. Don’t engage in arguments. And don’t expect anything from her.

I cut ties with my dad a few years ago and I honestly think that something like that is the last thing one should do, when things are beyond unbearable and painful. I personally don’t consider rudeness a good enough reason for such a step. If there is a way to deal with such people - even if it means a superficial relationship and seeing them rarely - I think it is worth keeping the door open.
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That is a good option. BTW…some people can not keep the door open. My dad was abusive and since I’ve recovered memories of that…I can not be around him and choose not to do so. This time I am not powerless like I was before.

However I must forgive him. Forgiveness does not mean being a punching bag. It means praying for that person…in my dad’s case I pray for his reconciliation with God. It means being polite IF you see them. So if I’m at a family funeral and he is there…I am polite. And it also means NOT telling everyone what they have done to you. Of course there are some people, like my therapist that you talk to but everyone you know should not know what your sister has done to you. That is forgiveness.

However, it sounds like with your sister, that you can keep the door open a little but you have to realize that she may not change. Of course prayer is a powerful thing…
 
After enduring 25 years of abuse and insults from my in-laws, it finally occurred to me that the in-laws do not like me. So I did them a favor by not being around them anymore. To me, it wasn’t a matter of forgiveness or cutting anyone out. I still encourage my spouse and children to retain a relationship with them.
 
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=876330 This is another thread on the same topic.

I stay away from my family, and with one sister, it is similar to what you describe. She feels quite free to simply re-arrange my clothing, for instance, if she doesn’t think it’s organized in quite the proper fashionable way. She has had comments to make on my parenting. She feels very free to correct me on anything and everything.

The problem, at least in some families, with the idea of simply telling someone, “No, we’re not going to discuss that,” or “Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut, but I’ll take care of my own kids as I think is right,” is that some families have a dynamic where the person who says that is regarded as the problem. I have done exactly this with my sister, and I’m told by my parents or other siblings that she has a right to speak her mind, that I need to ‘let her say her piece,’ that she’s just trying to be helpful, that they all notice and think this, too…etc.

I have the same issue with children who are being judged by my family, and my parenting, too, as a result. I have two who are diagnosed with ADHD and are believed by the autism specialist to be on the spectrum. But my family knows better than doctors and specialists. 😉 They know I just need to whip those boys into shape, because apparently I’ve made a point to do a great job with the other seven but not these two? 🤷

At a certain point, I stayed away among other reasons, because their behavior was affecting my ability to be a good and loving mother and to accept my children as they are and work with what they have to deal with.
 
I guess the right answer is that it isn’t ‘ok’ but under certain circumstances it is necessary for one’s mental and spiritual well being.

I have an almost non-existent relationship with my only sister, my last surviving sibling. It would take too long to explain all of the history, but the long and short of it is she pretty much hates the ground I walk on and the air I breathe. She is very jealous, fo no reason other that what she manifests in her head. She is convinced that our mother favors me and always has. Again, a lot of history.

She is also a practicing Wiccan, which goes against everything I believe, but still I tried to maintain the relationship. She has gone out of her way to insult and inconvenience me and I let it slide for YEARS, simply because of my mother and trying to keep some kind of semblance of family harmony. The last 5 holidays my sister and her husband were invited to my home to share with the rest of us, she either showed up 1-2 hrs late without a phone call, explanation or apology and I bit my tongue, or she called 1-2 hrs after we expected them to say that one or both of them had been ‘sick ALL week’ and wouldn’t be coming, and each time, I bit my tongue. That was the last straw for me, she not only inconvenienced me, she also caused inconvenience to my other guests. So I just don’t invite them any more.

I have ALWAYS (and still do) send her a birthday card and Christmas card, never getting one in return, but that’s ok, I’ll still wish her well and pray for her daily, but keeping my distance is a much better option. Regardless, if she ever needed me, I would be there in a heartbeat, but I just at this point in time, cannot be in her company. I do forgive her, I just choose not to put myself in that position any more. All I can do is pray for her to have a conversion.
 
Interestingly enough, I am faced with a similar choice.

Ever since I left Catholicism (and honestly, even before that) I was treated like a second class family member by my family. It finally culminated last year when my ex-wife found out, third hand, that my brother’s wife was expecting before he called to tell me.

When I got angry about it, he just told me to “suck it up, we can tell who we want, when we want”.

Which is absolutely 100% true, he can - I just know where I stand in his life.

So that child is going to be baptized in a few weeks, I could chose to not go, but I decided to attend. I still don’t know why and I will not hang around.

I think I will be unavailable at Christmas and Thanksgiving…
 
shelly5254 said:

“My sister and I have been having issues for some time. Most recently was her refusal to attend my sons baptism. My son is 12 and had been looking forward to the Easter Vigil for months! I don’t have to tell you how important this day was for him and for us. Three days before my sister sent a text saying that she mailed my sons gift and would not be attending. She lives 10 miles from me so I don’t understand why she’d mail his gift to begin with. She said that she had no interest in baptisms and was busy getting ready for her own sons wedding. Heres why I am upset…she has been to two of my nieces baptisms, she went to my confirmation last year, she came to see the kids in church plays in the past. So obviously its not just the fact that it was a church ceremony. I tried to explain to her that my sons baptism was as important to us as her sons wedding was to her and that my son was in tears at the news that she would not come.she got defensive, in the end she did not come.”

I would not press anybody to come to anything. It was rude of her to say that she has no interest in baptisms, but when somebody says, “I’m not coming to XYZ,” the correct answer is, “That’s too bad. We’ll see you at ABC, then.”

Also, I hope you had your son thank her for the gift.

“She is often saying rude things to me and my kids. She tells my 17 yr old that he is lazy and that’s why he has bad grades in school. This son has had a terrible head injury and is having to see a neurologist to determine if that is the cause for his lack of focus and emotional issues. She just rolls her eyes when I tell her I believe there is something wrong with him and that he’s not just lazy.”

This is a big deal. I would make sure not to give her any further opportunity to beat up on your 17-year-old without contradiction.

If she said anything like that to my kid, I would make sure to speak up for the kid in front of the kid. Just something like, “Noah is not a lazy kid, and I think you know that, Suzie,” is enough. End conversation. If there was any continuation, it might be necessary to leave. Nobody gets to beat up on your kids.

“These are just a couple issues. I’m fed up!! I don’t know what to do from here…do I cut ties or just let her rudeness roll of my back? I’m uncomfortable being around her. I don’t want to tell her any thing that is going on in my life because she just uses it to judge me. If I don’t continue a relationship with her our family get togethers will be so tense for everyone. any one else have that one family member they just dont get along with?”

Everybody has one of those.

I would suggest that you dial down the relationship to whatever frequency of get-togethers you find comfortable (perhaps taking special care to keep her away from your kids). You don’t need to call her or make plans to visit her, and if she calls you or invites you someplace, you have the option of keeping the call short or not going. It’s not like sis really loves being around your family.

Unless she does something truly heinous and irreparable, I would keep up a basic relationship (whatever that means in your family), but not do any optional contact.

Best wishes!
 
If it’s a matter of not getting along, I’m not sure cutting ties is the answer since that carries with it the risk of raising the animosity as well as involving other members of the family. Believe me, however, when I say I understand how such behavior can drive one up the wall. I wish there were an easy solution for this, but each case is different and only those involved can decide for themselves the best approach. You and your sister are in my prayers.

I don’t agree, however, that it is never okay to cut ties. A member of my family has been trying to kill me since I was born. Like the sibling JC Nixon describes, this relative pretty much hates the ground I walk on and the air I breathe. I give this person an extremely wide berth and have not yet found anyone who says I am wrong to do so. It is possible to forgive and yet deny all contact. The latter action does not necessarily indicate an absence of the former.

God bless!
 
I think many families have situations like this. I feel blessed that my brother and I get along so well although we too have our arguments.My wife, unfortunately, has a brother that continues to perplex us and it is now clear he is the source of some deep-seeded anxiety my wife has. For years I tried to get her to be the bigger person and let it roll off her back, but now have realized that the stress of dealing with him has cost her in terms of her longterm health. I would love for them to reconcile but I am not sure that is possible any longer. Clearly, if they were not siblings they would never be friends! So, no answer except to say you are not alone and I now understand why it is simply better for her, literally, to not deal with him. Talking to a therapist has helped her better understand that relationship.
 
Linusthe2nd said:
Our Lord said we should forgive eachother without limit - as he forgives us in Confession.
We should never cut ties with anyone, you should treat her just as you would other family members. However you should strive to avoid sensitive topics and try to set an example of humility and meekness. That doesn’t mean you have to become a punching bag or that you have to let her abuse your own family. When she gets abusive, just tell her you would rather not discuss " that, " that you will handle " whatever " your self and trust that God will make things come out for the best. And, by the way, most of us have a similar problem and all of us must pray for the gift of forgiveness.

Linus2nd
Click to expand...
If it was wrong to cut ties with someone who meant us harm, the Holy Family would not have fled to Egypt. Our Lord would not have hidden himself from the religious authorities while in Judea, either (John 7). The kinds of verbal abuse that is leveled at some family members is very damaging. People should not be pushed to spend any time with those who unapologetically and deliberately abuse them. If one wants to have contact with someone who does this, that is their choice, but not everyone can take that, let alone hope to accomplish anything except to supply a near occasion of sin.

There is a reason the disciples were instructed to shake the dust of an unreceptive town from their feet as protest against the town, and keep moving. We are not bound to be masochists.
 
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