Is it ever ok to walk away from abusive family member

[Bill_7154]

Without reading the OP and just going by the title of the thread my response is a loud and clear “I certainly hope so”. If I had the ability to walk away from my parents and grandmother who raised me as a child I can tell you for certain that I would have wound up a lot better off (assuming I didn’t walk into a MORE abusive and more neglectful family).

God Bless,
Bill

 

[EasterJoy]

i have no legal advice to give ,and wouldn’t give it if i had. if the mothers doesn’t wish your friend to inherit anything unless she takes care of her sibling, your friend has a simple choice to make honor her mothers wish or not.

Keep in mind, though, that this is a mother with dishonorable wishes, and perhaps with wishes that cannot actually* be* honored. She may be in a legal fantasy land. She may possibly have made putting the less-able child first into a false idol, and if she has I don’t doubt it has harmed the less-able child’s capacity.

But that is neither here nor there, and we can’t know from one side of a third-hand account. I am only saying this is probably not one of those extremely rare instances where only two choices exist. The lawyer will know what the realistic choices are. If the mother even knows what those are, she may be in denial about it.

 

[Annabelle_Marie]

Thank you very much for the insight. My friend is not sleeping becuse of the abandonment issue, not the money issue. She is very sad to leave her mother after all this nonsense and how she has been treated her whole life. Is it a sin to walk away from this situation on a spiritual level. Will God forgive her for leaving an aging parent such as this?the aging parent is well cared for.

I think it is ok. I had a situation from my youth where I ran away from home because I believed my life to be in danger. My priest said that this was NOT a case of not honoring your mother or father…

What she is responsible is to forgive her mother and sibling…which only means praying for them (their reconciliation with God), not telling everyone mean things about them (other then in course of healing…to a counselor is ok), and to be kind to them if she sees them.

Of course the guilt and shame is all part of the abuse…and very hard to deal with.

 

[aicirt]

No one can force anyone to take in and care for a sibling. You are not legally responsible financially for your siblings nor are you for your parents.

Appears the ill sibling would function IF she took her meds but refuses to do so. A facility will require the ill sibling to stay on her meds. If she doesn’t, she’ll be on the street.

Mom should have had a plan a long time ago for her ill daughter. If Mom can be reasoned with, she might be able to see that her ill child cannot maintain a home on her own.

How old is the mother? I’m sure she’s panicked knowing that no one will watch this woman but this is not a plan.

 

[Julia_Mae]

Her mother can’t obligate her to take care of her sibling, nor can she obligate her to any damage to the property, just by putting it in her will unless the property is in the daughter’s (your friend) name. If the house is in your friend’s name, there is litte mom can do about it when she’s gone. If the property is in mom’s name, then your friend has no right to it, and also is not responsible for any damage or cost. The mom can’t obligate your friend not to put her sibling in a home either. All this can’t happen if your friend doesn’t sign (and thereby accept responsibility) any agreements. You can’t just make someone responsible for things/people just by putting it in a will. You can reject any unwanted responsibilities in a will when the will is read.

Exactly. But I think she needs to hear this from an attorney in person.

Why doesn’t the mom just write in her will to sell the house and use the money to help care for the sibling?

Because mom is trying to control everything and everyone even from beyond the grave. She will do what she will do because she is apparently a bit nuts, too. So, the woman needs to know, when this will appears, if it does, what her obligations and rights are.

 

[aicirt]

Exactly. But I think she needs to hear this from an attorney in person.

Because mom is trying to control everything and everyone even from beyond the grave. She will do what she will do because she is apparently a bit nuts, too. So, the woman needs to know, when this will appears, if it does, what her obligations and rights are.

Very true. Another way to look at this is to secure that the sane daughter has actually seen the will. Can an attorney actually draw up a will demanding a person care for another? If he did and this is against the law, the will would be void and the estate would be divided between the two women, the aged woman’s daughters.

Maybe it would be better for the sane daughter not to say anything until after her Mom dies. By that time she may have accumulated enough information to prove her Mom was not thinking rationally. Also Mom isn’t dead yet. She might need her estate to care for her needs if and when she needs a nurshing home etc. It does not sound like her ill daughter would be capable of looking after her needs.

 

[mommy_k]

The mom is 85 and the ill daughter is 60. She has no life skills.I am glad to hear that my friend is not sinning for not communicating with these individuals. She will be relieved, as she would be very saddened to be out of God’s grace over this but it is impossible for her to face this now-she shakes when her mothers name is mentioned. In the near future I will tell her to seek legal advice.

Please say a prayer for her, and thank you.

 

[jmcrae]

Thank you very much for the insight. My friend is not sleeping becuse of the abandonment issue, not the money issue. She is very sad to leave her mother after all this nonsense and how she has been treated her whole life. Is it a sin to walk away from this situation on a spiritual level.

NO - and in fact if there are safety issues, then she has a duty to walk away.

Will God forgive her for leaving an aging parent such as this? the aging parent is well cared for.

Of course. God does not require us to put up with abuse. God is a good Father who loves us very much. He requires us to care for our parents to the best of our ability, but when professional help is required, we are allowed to get out of the way and let the professionals do their job. This is what is best for everyone - God doesn’t require her to sacrifice herself for her mother.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Why doesn’t the mom just write in her will to sell the house and use the money to help care for the sibling? Assuming your friend is married with kids, and living on her own, she won’t need her mother’s house. It may be of benefit to the unmanageable sibling though.

From what the OP said, it would seem that the mother is defrauding the state - she said that her mentally ill sibling cannot be seen to have money in a bank account lest the state benefits stop coming. This is illegal and immoral, if it is happening. The asset of the house, if left to the mentally ill sibling, would be taken by the state to compensate for payments already received, and rightly so. It is not the taxpayers’ responsibility to pay for care of someone if there are assets that are being hidden.

My advice is for the OP to seek spiritual help from her priest and get legal help to deal with this sticky situation. She is not obligated to care for her mentally ill and destructive sibling, although making sure the sibling has some sort of help would be charitable.

My suspicion is that the mother has enabled a lot of bad behavior and if the sibling had had to be more accountable, at least some recovery may have been possible. I may be wrong, but I have seen this before. The mother (or parents) protect the mentally ill person and actually make things much WORSE. Once the parents are out of the picture, sometimes recovery is possible, but many times, it’s too late.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

My friend told me that the will is written that her children are the heirs of the estate, and the house cannot be sold while the mentally ill sibling is living. The mentally ill sibling cannot have more than a set amount in the bank because of government benefits that would cease if she did. My friend is hurt from a violent abusive Past and is finding it difficult to relate to her mother these days for allowing not only what is going on now-but that she was forced to be submissive to this abuse. She has not spoken to her mother since this has come to light. It is just too much for her. My friend is blessed with a beautiful family and husband who love each other very much. Since her mentally ill sister has broken, thrown and trashed the house while she was growing up repair bills, taxes etc are too much.she told me she wants no part of her mother who is old or to entangle her family in this mess. My friend owns a home out of state. I told her that her responsiblity is to her family and children, and to pray. She feels guilty for abandoning her mother though and thinks its a sin and she will not go to heaven when she dies because of this.

Here is where the OP said that the mentally ill sibling cannot seem to have assets or the benefits would stop.



I do wonder if the friend’s mother has been spiritually blackmailing her all the time, telling her that she must do as the mother wishes or she will forgo Heaven. If so, it’s despicable of the mother.

 

[mommy_k]

I told my freind it is not a sin to aviod an abusive enviornment or situation. My friend has told me that the abuse started when she was a small child she is much younger than her sibling. Her mother told her that she should be on her hands and knees thanking God she is not the sick one, and she should understand when her sibling abuses her. The mom has thrown every thing at her-questioning her christianity, saying she used to be kind-what happened- and things to lay on the guilt. This Is why the spiritual aspect for her is so important.

 

[VivienneJ]

I told my freind it is not a sin to aviod an abusive enviornment or situation. My friend has told me that the abuse started when she was a small child she is much younger than her sibling. Her mother told her that she should be on her hands and knees thanking God she is not the sick one, and she should understand when her sibling abuses her. The mom has thrown every thing at her-questioning her christianity, saying she used to be kind-what happened- and things to lay on the guilt. This Is why the spiritual aspect for her is so important.

This is why my greatest concern is for her spiritual welfare. The possibilities for totally unfounded guilt when the relationship between mother and daughter is not of the “Hallmark card” variety are huge and can be very difficult to overcome.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I told my freind it is not a sin to aviod an abusive enviornment or situation. My friend has told me that the abuse started when she was a small child she is much younger than her sibling. Her mother told her that she should be on her hands and knees thanking God she is not the sick one, and she should understand when her sibling abuses her. The mom has thrown every thing at her-questioning her christianity, saying she used to be kind-what happened- and things to lay on the guilt. This Is why the spiritual aspect for her is so important.

Your friend needs the help of a priest who understands this kind of abuse, for that is what it is. The farther away your friend gets from her mother, the healthier she well become. Therapy would help too, but again, she needs professionals with experience in this sort of abusive power relationship.

Tell her that she owes it to her own children to get away from her mother. I hate to sound cold, but actually the sibling might get dramatically better once the mother is gone. It happens.

 

[skigirl1689]

From what the OP said, **it would seem that the mother is defrauding the state - she said that her mentally ill sibling cannot be seen to have money in a bank account lest the state benefits stop coming. This is illegal and immoral, if it is happening. The asset of the house, if left to the mentally ill sibling, would be taken by the state to compensate for payments already received, and rightly so. It is not the taxpayers’ responsibility to pay for care of someone if there are assets that are being hidden.
**
My advice is for the OP to seek spiritual help from her priest and get legal help to deal with this sticky situation. She is not obligated to care for her mentally ill and destructive sibling, although making sure the sibling has some sort of help would be charitable.

My suspicion is that the mother has enabled a lot of bad behavior and if the sibling had had to be more accountable, at least some recovery may have been possible. I may be wrong, but I have seen this before. The mother (or parents) protect the mentally ill person and actually make things much WORSE. Once the parents are out of the picture, sometimes recovery is possible, but many times, it’s too late.

This may not be entirely true. You can put away assets for a disabled child in what is called a Special Needs Trust and it cannot be counted against government eligibility for Medicaid and SSI.

What is a Special Needs Trust?

    A Special Needs Trust is a special kind of trust which can hold cash, personal property, or real property. A Special Needs Trust can also be the beneficiary of life insurance proceeds, proceeds from a will, or proceeds from a civil litigation suit. These things are held for the benefit of a child or adult who has a disability. The Special Needs Trust can be used to provide for the needs of a disabled person to supplement benefits received from various governmental assistance programs including SSI and Medicaid.

Why do I need to establish a Special Needs Trust?

    If a Special Needs Trust is not created for a person who is disabled and receiving public benefits, then the money or property they receive will be counted when computing their income This extra money may put them over the income eligibility requirements and they can lose their public benefits. A Special Needs Trust prevents this money from being counted for purposes of public benefits.

Why are Special Needs Trusts are important?

    They protect government benefits eligibility. The Special Needs Trust allows and individual with disabilities to have funds available for his or her benefit without the funds counting as a financial asset for benefit eligibility purposes.

From nls.org/ssassi/Special%20Needs%20Trust.htm

It is completely legal if it is in a SNT. I just wanted to point out this as a possibility. I know because my aunt has a disability and so do I.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

This may not be entirely true. You can put away assets for a disabled child in what is called a Special Needs Trust and it cannot be counted against government eligibility for Medicaid and SSI.

From nls.org/ssassi/Special%20Needs%20Trust.htm

It is completely legal if it is in a SNT. I just wanted to point out this as a possibility. I know because my aunt has a disability and so do I.

But that is the OPPOSITE of what the OP stated. She said that if her sibling received the property, it WOULD cut off benefits, so there is no SNT in place at this point.

 

[Iheartcoffee]

Your friend needs a good attorney. It is extremely unreasonable to insist that a particular child MUST take care of a sibling that has been abusive and could pose a risk to the caregiver and the caregiver’s family. A good attorney can help your friend create a plan to both care for the mentally unstable family member AND protect your friend at the same time.