E
Eliza10
Guest
I am asking this on behalf of a good friend. She has no doubt her marriage is invalid, and has been living with her husband as brother and sister since their marriage by a justice of the peace two years ago. However, a priest and a nun whom she consulted with about this matter, after listening to her situation, have both, in separate conversations, advised her that she SHOULD go ahead and consummate her marriage anyway. They specifically told her this as advice. This is because her situation is* special*, and one should “follow the spirit of the law and not the letter of the law”. Some people are just too black and white about the law, they explained to her convincingly.
This seems totally and completely wrong to me and while my friend is not 100% convinced to follow their advice, she does feel swayed by what they are reccommending. They both gave the same advice, and they sounded convincing. From the way the advice was given, she has been made to feel that if she does not consummate it, she could be personally jeopardizing her family’s future, She wants to do what his best for her family and this is what two teaching authorities of the Church are telling her, and she feels confused.
Her situation* is* a very complicated one. I don’t want to tell her whole story, but I’ll try to explain just enough of what you would need to know to come to a judgement on this problem.
She was baptized Catholic but only came to fully embrace the faith as an adult about 3 or 4 years ago. The man she was living with for some ten years had been intending to get around to marrying her for all these years, but never got around to divorcing his first wife (of a brief marriage that anyone would say would be easily annulled). They have two elementary age children together. They had been attending Mass and receiving sacraments for their children. The husband remains a cafeteria Catholic, meaning, it doesn’t run deep at all for him, for example, if its a hard teaching he dismisses it with “I don’t believe that.”. But the wife experienced a true conversion to faith about 4 years ago and went to confession and prays rosary and other devotions and goes to Adoration and reads avidly to learn more and more of her faith from all the rich teachers we have available these days.
But, legally, she needed to marry him and that is another long story I don’t want to tell here.
Finally he divorced the long-gone first wife and married the mother of his children by a justice of the peace two years ago. Because of her newfound faith and her desire to be obedient to Church teachings, she told him that it was not valid until it was blessed in the Church, which could not be until he had his first marriage annulled. He said “I’m not doing that”, and so they lived as brother and sister.
Just in the past week or two he has had a change of heart, he wants to be a real family and have a true marriage, and said now that he will go through the annulment process, since it really matters to her.
So last week she went to a local priest who listened to her complicated story, and then later a nun from her church came to her home to speak with her, and they both had separately advised that since her husband-by-law has put himself out to make the step to annul, all for her, not for himself, then she should put herself out a bit and allow the marriage to be consummated. Because of give and take. Yes, its not valid yet, but its* going* to be valid, since he has now agreed to work toward it by working toward annulment. They argue that the two are in a marriage now, a legal one, and two years as brother and sister is a strain on the marriage, just not healthy, and for the sake of the family, she needs to give a little, as her husband is giving by saying he will annul now.
Practically speaking, I am thinking they have no idea how LONG he can drag a thing out when things are going his way, when there is nothing in it for him not to drag it out. Be that as it may, this is not about practicality, this is about what is right. They have both told her that some people in the church can be* way too black and white*, and it is about the spirit of the law and not the letter of the law, and her circumstance is special, and she needs to work towards keeping the family together. She is convinced by these two representatives of the Church that its possible to be just too black and white and not take people and love into account. I can agree that’s possible, but I don’t think it applies here.
This is so convoluted to me but my friend does not need to just hear me say “This is insane!” She needs reasoned reasons. Something in light of JPII’s teachings on marriage would help.
Does anyone want to give this a go?
P.S. If its easier to refer to this couple by name, call them “Jane” and “Joe”.
This seems totally and completely wrong to me and while my friend is not 100% convinced to follow their advice, she does feel swayed by what they are reccommending. They both gave the same advice, and they sounded convincing. From the way the advice was given, she has been made to feel that if she does not consummate it, she could be personally jeopardizing her family’s future, She wants to do what his best for her family and this is what two teaching authorities of the Church are telling her, and she feels confused.
Her situation* is* a very complicated one. I don’t want to tell her whole story, but I’ll try to explain just enough of what you would need to know to come to a judgement on this problem.
She was baptized Catholic but only came to fully embrace the faith as an adult about 3 or 4 years ago. The man she was living with for some ten years had been intending to get around to marrying her for all these years, but never got around to divorcing his first wife (of a brief marriage that anyone would say would be easily annulled). They have two elementary age children together. They had been attending Mass and receiving sacraments for their children. The husband remains a cafeteria Catholic, meaning, it doesn’t run deep at all for him, for example, if its a hard teaching he dismisses it with “I don’t believe that.”. But the wife experienced a true conversion to faith about 4 years ago and went to confession and prays rosary and other devotions and goes to Adoration and reads avidly to learn more and more of her faith from all the rich teachers we have available these days.
But, legally, she needed to marry him and that is another long story I don’t want to tell here.
Finally he divorced the long-gone first wife and married the mother of his children by a justice of the peace two years ago. Because of her newfound faith and her desire to be obedient to Church teachings, she told him that it was not valid until it was blessed in the Church, which could not be until he had his first marriage annulled. He said “I’m not doing that”, and so they lived as brother and sister.
Just in the past week or two he has had a change of heart, he wants to be a real family and have a true marriage, and said now that he will go through the annulment process, since it really matters to her.
So last week she went to a local priest who listened to her complicated story, and then later a nun from her church came to her home to speak with her, and they both had separately advised that since her husband-by-law has put himself out to make the step to annul, all for her, not for himself, then she should put herself out a bit and allow the marriage to be consummated. Because of give and take. Yes, its not valid yet, but its* going* to be valid, since he has now agreed to work toward it by working toward annulment. They argue that the two are in a marriage now, a legal one, and two years as brother and sister is a strain on the marriage, just not healthy, and for the sake of the family, she needs to give a little, as her husband is giving by saying he will annul now.
Practically speaking, I am thinking they have no idea how LONG he can drag a thing out when things are going his way, when there is nothing in it for him not to drag it out. Be that as it may, this is not about practicality, this is about what is right. They have both told her that some people in the church can be* way too black and white*, and it is about the spirit of the law and not the letter of the law, and her circumstance is special, and she needs to work towards keeping the family together. She is convinced by these two representatives of the Church that its possible to be just too black and white and not take people and love into account. I can agree that’s possible, but I don’t think it applies here.
This is so convoluted to me but my friend does not need to just hear me say “This is insane!” She needs reasoned reasons. Something in light of JPII’s teachings on marriage would help.
Does anyone want to give this a go?
P.S. If its easier to refer to this couple by name, call them “Jane” and “Joe”.
