Is it ever okay to support others in deciding for a divorce?

[Miraluna]

I have a sister-in-law who is married to an emotionally abusive (and emotionally void) man. He is completely absent from the family. He arrives home from work and plays on the internet all day. On the weekends, he sleeps in and plays on-line. His children could fall and cry, and he will not get up. His 5-year-old asked if the internet was more important than they, the children. He replied yes. He has told the children that they are a financial burden. He is completely uninvolved. My SIL serves as the dad, too. Whenever a dad is required for a scout function or school activity, she goes or asks another male friend (or her brothers) to help. I could go on an on with more details. Both children (5 and 9) have asked my SIL why she does not divorce him.

I have a friend, his wife is also absent as a wife and mother. She does selfish things, all the time. She works outside of the home and on the weekends she just leaves the house all day: for hair appointments, shopping, and etc. She does not make it to Mass on Sundays because she sleeps in. Sometimes she does not attend other family activties because she is sleeping or doing her own thing (so my friend is like a single dad). My friend works, takes graduate courses on-line, and plays the dad role 100% until his children go to bed (then he does his work or studying). So even if he sleeps a few hours, she will not wake up to get the children during the night. In the morning, he gets up early and gets the children ready for school and takes them, while she is just rising to get ready for work. She reduced her work hours to be with the children afterschool. But yet, she does not do homework or anything else (cooking, cleaning, etc.) she waits for husband to come home and take care of all of that. There have been times when the children have had doctor’s appointments or school relalted activities and she does not make those because she schedules something for herself instead.

I just do not know what to say to them, when they call me for prayer, consolation, or just to share. They are both at the verge of deciding for a divorce. They have both tried to save the marriage for nearly a decade and to no avail. I just sympathize and offer my prayers and acknowledge that the situation is difficult. I do not know what else to say. They have both asked me if it would be acceptable to divorce. They have tried talking with a priest, marriage retreats, couples counseling, and etc. They hang on because of the children. But I can sense that they feel like they are drowning. I am not sure how long they will be able to keep this up.

 

[dulcissima]

There is a difference between emotionally abusive and emotionally void. Not too sure what to say in these situations. What do their priests say?

Here is a good reference for the Catholic stance on abusive marriages, put out by the USCCB.

usccb.org/laity/help.shtml

 

[Rascalking]

I supported an abused women in getting her divorce. I feel little guilt over it, because I truly believe I helped saved her life. If anyone is upset over that, they’re morally blind.

 

[Lujack]

No, not at all. The woman’s safety should be the first priority, but even on a philosophical level, it is the batterer who has broken up the marriage; it is destroyed before the woman leaves (as pointed out in the posted document).

 

[LindaS]

The Church does not expect people to stay in abusive marriages and will permit a civil divorce for purposes of dividing assets, child support, etc. That civil divorce does not mean that the marriage is ended, so the divorced person cannot “date” because they are still married in the eyes of the Church. However, after receiving a civil divorce, the person is free to pursue a Declaration of Nullity, which, if granted, would fee them to date and marry again. While we don’t support a person in divorce for the purpose of “ending” the marriage, we certainly do support an abused person in taking steps to protect themselves and their children.

Peace,
Linda

BTW, I am appalled that the father in the original post would tell his children that the Internet is more important than they are.

 

[Tietjen]

The Church does not expect people to stay in abusive marriages and will permit a civil divorce for purposes of dividing assets, child support, etc. That civil divorce does not mean that the marriage is ended, so the divorced person cannot “date” because they are still married in the eyes of the Church. However, after receiving a civil divorce, the person is free to pursue a Declaration of Nullity, which, if granted, would fee them to date and marry again. While we don’t support a person in divorce for the purpose of “ending” the marriage, we certainly do support an abused person in taking steps to protect themselves and their children.

Peace,
Linda

 

[Suse_B]

This has been most helpful and comforting for me. Thank you.

I have a similar situation in that my husband is / has been emotionally and verbally abusive to my son and to me for many years. In addtion, he has been unemployed for 13 years. I have tried everything to no avail, and asked him to move out a few months ago. He is living with his mother and is still unemployed, with no visible signs of making any real effort (other than “scanning on-line and not finding anything,”) He has been controlling his temper, although my therapist says right now he is on his best behavior and it will return if I let him come back home because he is not in therapy or doing anything to improve himself. I have met several times to discuss this with my priest, who is supportive of divorce and pursuing annulment. Do you agree that this would be acceptable?

 

[Leonius]

There is no such thing as divorce, marriage is for life no matter what a court made up of men says provided it was validly made.

If they chose to live separately that is a different matter, but they would still be married.

 

[Bluegoat]

There is no such thing as divorce, marriage is for life no matter what a court made up of men says provided it was validly made.

If they chose to live separately that is a different matter, but they would still be married.

I think they are generally referring to civil divorce.

There can be good reasons to pursue civil divorce even if there are no plans to pursue annulment. It’s essentially a legal situation, and doesn’t directly address the actual status of the marriage from a religious point of view.

 

[Seatuck]

Well obviously separation should be tried first. If that does not work out then divorce may be sought for the protection of innocents or to secure certain legal rights . The spouses must still live as married though unless an annulment is granted from a marriage tribunal.

vatican.va/archive/catechism/p3s2c2a6.htm

 

[Sr_Sally]

I have never counselled anyone directly to seek a civil divorce, but it is allowed by the church for marriage partners to live separately. If a civil divorce facilitaties that process --and especially with children makes good boundries for the couple, then they can pursie it.

The very, very, very important thing to stress is that this couple is still married in the eyes of the church. They are living separately and have deived property and made arrangments for the children’s safety, etc. but they are not “un-married”.

However, civil divorce does not always make things easier, especially for a woman who was a SAHM and who now might need to work even if she receives an alimony. Children who now need to travel back and forth for visitation might be disrupted more than they previously were. One parent who doesn’t adhere to their faith and begins dating and possibly marrying can make things even more difficult. Each person needs to decide this for themselves.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

This has been most helpful and comforting for me. Thank you.

I have a similar situation in that my husband is / has been emotionally and verbally abusive to my son and to me for many years. In addtion, he has been unemployed for 13 years. I have tried everything to no avail, and asked him to move out a few months ago. He is living with his mother and is still unemployed, with no visible signs of making any real effort (other than “scanning on-line and not finding anything,”) He has been controlling his temper, although my therapist says right now he is on his best behavior and it will return if I let him come back home because he is not in therapy or doing anything to improve himself. I have met several times to discuss this with my priest, who is supportive of divorce and pursuing annulment. Do you agree that this would be acceptable?

Be very careful of being manipulated by “good behavior” that disappears once the target is achieved. It may be harder to get him out of the house a second time.

To the OP, I would rephrase your question: Is it ever okay to support someone in remaining in a situation that threatens their health, safety or their sanity or the health and safety of their children?

If the situation is bad, do you tell someone to remain with an abusive person until when? Until they injure a child in a fit of rage? Until they bankrupt a family by refusing to work? Until the other parent has a nervous breakdown from stress and abuse and the children are rendered basically parentless?

This is a hard decision. Never to be made lightly. The divorce process is so searing to you and your kids that I have told people “why don’t you just gut each other in the kitchen with carving knives in front of the kids? It would accomplish the same thing and be much quicker and cheaper than lawyers.”

It’s that bad. Having said that, some marriages are worse than that.

Only the people in the marriage know how bad it is or how little they can take.

Sister Sally makes some very good points to consider. In some ways the divorce made my life much more difficult. The only good thing about it is I don’t have an abusive crazy man in my house all the time. But a spouse that bad can do plenty of damage from their own house.

I just wish the jerks would all marry each other and torment each other and leave the responsible loving parents out of it.

 

[Vinchenzo]

I am all for safety of the family.especially in abusive relationships but when is it right to end a marriage just because your tired of working on it.when is it ok to deprive a parent of there children.or to break up a family just because you have had enough.marriage is work. marriage is commitment.but thanks to no-fault divorce’s marriage is becoming more and more disposable.and has wrecked the lives of millions of children.when is it enough.

 

[StDominicsSword]

I am a Catholic(convert) who is in the process of a civil divorce. In some ways I blame myself because I barely knew him when we were married. There was no “pre-Cana” or required marriage counseling in our non-Catholic church. I didn’t know that he had severe anxiety and depression issues and also a very strange view of God.
After 4 years, when our youngest daughter was a newborn, he said he needed to “talk” to me and then told me he was in love with another woman. I forgave him and did my best to “win him back” although I never really knew what I did wrong to make him love someone else. I tried to be the perfect wife for four more years as he basically ignored me and and as man in the original post did, he spent nearly every free moment on the computer. I later found out that he was actively pursuing relationships with many(perhaps hundreds) of women and even girls as young as 14.
However, I did not make the painful decision to leave until he started abusing our children. In the beginning, we both spanked them as many parents do and there was nothing out of the ordinary. But in the last year, he gradually began spanking them harder and harder and was leaving large bruises on them. I also found one of them locked in a room, crying hysterically for “time out”. He did not seem to see a problem with that. Worst of all was that he started spanking them for things like vomiting when they were sick, or for not holding hands while praying. He threatened to spank for not hugging him fast enough. He would tease them for no other reason but to make them cry. They were afraid of him.

I know there may be many worse cases than mine, but I love my children so much I could never have let it get worse than that. I know that divorce “damages children” but I refuse to let anyone make me feel guilty from taking them out of that situation.

We never can know what is in some one’s heart, or the true motivation behind their actions, but we are ALWAYS called to love, forgive and not judge. That doesn’t mean you have to support some one’s divorce, but at least make sure they know that you support them as a person and you want the best for them.

 

[Vinchenzo]

First, find somewhere safe to go.you need to protect yourself and your children.this can have an everlasting effect on them.no child deserves this kind of life.and then I would strongly suggest to your husband to seek help immediately.if he resists I would take steps to protect the family from him.this type of behavior will progress, don’t wait until it has gone to far.
I know this may sound harsh and I’m not sure if you still love this man.but you are going to have to put together a plan and get you children to safety.
Good luck and God Bless.
keep us posted