Is it hard to be in a romantic relationship and still practice abstinence?

[chevalier]

It’s true. I’m almost eighteen and people tend to think that others my age can’t control themselves. Just because we have hormones doesn’t make us animals!

I’m impressed. That must be something different from what sexual “education” in schools says, not? Unhealthy repression of natural human drives, yadda yadda. It’s very good that people your age are able to resist that brainwash. In my experience, they were, but it didn’t last long in the twenties.

 

[Michael038]

Is it really hard for a practicing Catholic to be in a romantic relationship and practice abstinence?

Of course its hard but its the right thing to do. Keep your eye on the ultimate prize- Heaven. If the romantic relationship grows into marriage you will have the rest of your lives to be intimate.

 

[meeshy]

I think part of what makes waiting difficult is what you have been exposed to during your lifetime.

I completely agree with you.

Sex is, and always has been, a struggle for me. From the time I was exposed to it as a very young child, I have struggled with loving it and trying to stay away from it.

It’s an addiction that comes and goes. At times I’m fine, at times I’m very, very weak.

I always wish I could have been married in the Church, as a virgin, with a virgin husband. What a beautiful gift from God that is. Those who are able to do it are so blessed, and should strive so hard to make their marriages work.

Still, I know that my two children, although both conceived out of wedlock, are also gifts from God, and I am so very thankful that He gave me the opportunity to be a mother. He always makes something good out of every situation, if we allow it.

As one poster mentioned, lots of saints struggled with temptations. Many times, this struggle is actually what made them into saints. Even St. Paul faced temptations. And his advice to the unmarried? Get married if you can’t contain yourself anymore. Wow! That says a lot about the powerful human sex drive.

I pray for myself and everyone who is prone to weakness in this area. Please realize that God loves you, even when you fail. Just try again to regain your chastity, right away. Ask Him for help and just keep going. Don’t condemn yourself or listen to anyone else who condemns you. Just keep going.

Best of luck to those of you who are trying to enter marriage as virgins. Try your best to make it; it will definitely be worth it.

Peace,
Meeshy

 

[uncleauberon]

Wow I love this response !

NO WAY!!!

It is SOOOOOOOO much easier to be in a romantic relationship with someone and not have sex. (we’re talking about before marriage).

Plus, so so often, sex before marriage messes up people’s feelings for each other:

“Does he really like me, or is it just the sex?”

You can do so many many sweet, truely romantic things, for each other before marriage. Sex just muddys everything up.

Yes I did answer “YES” to the Poll.

In the sense I believe it was intended.

For those that have been exposed, or fallen, previously - the temptations can be difficult.

St .Thomas was right when he said that the worst punishment of sin is that we might enjoy it.

Thank God for the Sacrament of Reconcilication.
It helped me heal from previous failure in relationships…

Then later …
It certainly helped me keep the the little failures of chastity from becoming bigger ones.

Also llovemychurch is completely right !

Romantic relationships (the relationship parts) are much easier when Sex is kept out.

So I guess it depends on what the Pollster meant by "Is is hard to be…?"

God Bless

tjp

 

[Sarabande]

It can be difficult because there are temptations, BUT if both are willing to abstain prior to marriage, it is a lot easier. I am married now, but my husband and I were together for five years before we were married. We abstained the entire time - not that it was always easy, but we were blessed by the fact that we both agreed it was important to wait until marriage. When we got engaged, that was when it got very hard - surprisingly for us and we had to be more careful about not allowing us to be in tempting situations. I had my sister as a “chaperone” many times when we were engaged. Although I had more willpower when we were just dating, I needed the “chaperone” sometimes while we were engaged. ha!

I believe that, for us, abstaining before marriage kept us from ever guessing whether or not our relationship was based on purely sex rather than on the many other wonderful facets that make up an intimate relationships. Consummating the relationship after the marriage was like the icing on the cake and the completion of our love and friendship for each other. We also both believe that our marriage is deeper and more spiritual because we waited.

 

[Hope4]

yes, yes, oh, and yes. I’ve been engaged for almost a year now(about 3 months left). I had no idea how hard it would be to wait. Of course, if I had my way, we would have been married months ago. It’s not impossible, but it’s been extremely hard, sometimes it’s even hard just to be around my fiance. Sorry if this isn’t what I’m supposed to be saying, but it’s me being honest.

Sing,
please come back, I felt that way when I was dating. Now I have been married for 5 ½ years and when using NFP it can still be hard. For those of us who feel love through touch, (all kinds, not just sex) being together as husband and wife is the fullest expression of our love. There is no other way we feel as close to our spouse. Hang in there, you are doing the right thing with waiting, it will mean so much more because you did.

 

[KGM06]

I find it extremely difficult.

I guess if I was a teen and a virgin, it would be easier. But I know what i’m missing.

I remember hearing on Catholic Radio that one caller claimed that Adam and Eve were not married. The Host said that altho the Bible does not state that they were married it is implied.
Somehow that struck me as a little off. By that logic than many other things could be interpreted as implied in the Bible and seriously undermine the whole faith.

What do I know, I am a sinner struggling to do the right thing.

God gave me the most wonderful and special woman that I know, without any doubt, she is to be my wife. I’ve been looking for her for 40 years, and now that we found each other it often gets extremely painful, pysically, emotionally, and spiritually painfull.

I guess in 15mo when we finally do get married, we wont need to worry about NFP as we would be unable to have children, thus give us more time to devote to each other and our faith.

But boy-o is it difficult to wait.

 

[Mperea75]

Yes I do find it difficult to wait but it is something that I do for love of my bride.

 

[chevalier]

@KGM06: Eve was created by God for Adam on the premise that it wasn’t good for Adam to be alone. Adam formally received the gift (“bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh,” or something like that). In many cultures, the beginning of marriage has been marked by the sexual act rather than the vows (ancient Israel, mediaeval Germanic customs, it was basically like consummating engagement). No need to worry about God possibly condoning unchaste cohabitation. Besides, they were the only two healthy folks of opposite sexes.

 

[guanophore]

IlovemyChurch, I find your posts incredibly insulting.

You accuse other people of lacking in love? I find your self righteous attitude as being lacking in love.

What would you say to the example I gave earlier? St Jerome struggled with lustful thoughts and desires his whole life. Yet according to your standards, just the fact of having those desires means you don’t love God enough. This man is revered as a Saint by the Church. Will you still say his love of God was insufficient?

The Church teaches that having sinful desires is not of itsself sinful. It is only acting on those desires that is sinful. EVERYONE has sinful desires. It’s a result of the Fall, of the broken relationship between God and Man. Even the Saints are subject to the temptation of sinful desires. And resisting those desires displays a very healthy love of God.

Your opinions are simply contrary to Catholic teaching and are insulting to those who do struggle with temptation and yet manage to resist.

/can you please show me where you find this? I think ilovemychurch is right, and the desire to do things that are sinful is also a sin. Why else would Jesus say "even to look upon a woman lustfully " brings on the hellfire (or something to that effect). I agree that the tendency to be sinful (concupiscense) is part of the natural human state as a result of the Fall. But why did Jerome struggle, unless it was wrong to be inclined in that manner? If God had called him to celibacy, then his yearning for something other misses the mark of what God has called him to do. Thank you for your post.

 

[guanophore]

Ok, this is why I was apologizing for my honesty. I’m now going to contact a moderator and have my account banned, or deleted, or whatever. I don’t deserve to be treated like I am just because I am a human being.

I don’t think you should apologize at all, Sing. I also don’t think you should take the opinion of the other poster so personally. You have said that you are working very hard to conduct yourself with chastity in relation to your beloved, and this is very much to your credit. Let no one detract you from your purpose!

 

[pumpkinbeast]

/can you please show me where you find this? I think ilovemychurch is right, and the desire to do things that are sinful is also a sin. Why else would Jesus say "even to look upon a woman lustfully " brings on the hellfire (or something to that effect). I agree that the tendency to be sinful (concupiscense) is part of the natural human state as a result of the Fall. But why did Jerome struggle, unless it was wrong to be inclined in that manner? If God had called him to celibacy, then his yearning for something other misses the mark of what God has called him to do. Thank you for your post.

Temptation in itself is NOT a sin! When you give into temptation, it becomes a sin. Being tempted to look at a woman lustfully is NOT a sin, but looking at a woman lustfully is a sin, as Jesus said. There is a HUGE difference between being tempted to sin, and actually sinning, just like there is a huge difference between wanting to eat a big slice of chocolate cake when you’re on a diet, and actually eating the cake.

I would imagine that as one grows in holiness, temptation becomes easier to handle, but I don’t know for sure, and I doubt that it would ever go away completely… but even Jesus was tempted. Are you saying He, who was without sin, sinned when the Devil tempted him???

As a side note, when my boyfriend visited me this weekend, and we were ‘cuddling’, and I was thinking about how much I enjoyed just being close to him, the thought popped into my head “You know, you’d be even closer if you had sex!” I knew who was talking. I immediately thought back, “The closeness I desire is not actually for sex itself, but the closeness that only marriage can bring, expressed through sex. Sex outside of marriage would only bring a temporary feeling of closeness, and not the true connection I desire. Therefore, I will wait.” The little voice never came back.

 

[guanophore]

Originally Posted by sing
It’s hard if you love the person you are with, and see sex as sign of love because it is mutual giving of self. I struggle with it because I know that my fiance is the person I’m going to be with for the rest of my life. We’ve already made that commitment to each other, and I want to be able to give myself to him.

Well, that is because you simply don’t understand sex.

It’s not some mere ‘sign of love’.

I think you are making a lot of assumptions here about sing here. She has sai that she sees sex as a sign of love, a mutual giving. this are correct understandings of sex. yes, it is a sign that God has arranged to occur after marriage, but it is most certainly a mutual giving of selves. Her yearning to particpate in this mutual giving with her loved one is not wrong. she has said that she wants to spend the rest of her life, and this reflects a heart of commitment.

When you have sex you are saying with your body “I am yours fully, totally, faithfully, forever”

And so unless the relationship with the person you are having sex with is fully self-giving, total, faithful and forever, then what you are saying with your body is a lie. It doesn’t reflect the truth of the situation.

Why do you say this? It sure sounds to me like she desires to be fully, totallly, faithfully and forever together!

ONLY marriage is a relationship in which the 2 people involved have given themselves fully, faithfully, forever to each other, and so ONLY in marriage can sex be authentic. Outside of marriage it is lie and a sin.

Perhaps you did not read carefully, because she affirmed this from the beginning.

If you want to ‘give yourself’ to your fiance, then marry him.

This is what she longs for! What did you think?

Sex is then the PHYSICAL EXPRESSION of those marriage vows. Sex is the marriage vows made flesh. Sex is not separate from marriage, and if it is separated from marriage it is deficient and damaging.

Well, she never said anything differently!

When we understand the beautiful purpose and meaning of sex, then how can you possibly want to have deficient and damaged sex by engaging in it outside of marriage?!

She never said that either! She said she longed to be married, so that she could have this experience with her beloved, and that it has been very challenging to wait, BECAUSE she does not want to have a damaged and deficient relationship!

I think you have given offense to sing in this matter, because you did not carefuly understand what she wrote, and you have hurt her feelings.

 

[guanophore]

IlovemyChurch, I find your posts incredibly insulting. You accuse other people of lacking in love? I find your self righteous attitude as being lacking in love.

I don’t think this is an “accusation”. It is an observation. All of us are lacking in the fullness of God’s love to some degrees, and our desires to engage in behavior other than God’s best for us are a reflection of that lack of love. It need not be taken as an insult, though it is a “hard teaching”