Is It Lawful for A Man to Divorce His Wife for ANY REASONS?( MAT19::3)

[rcwitness]

It’s quite simple if all catholic life follow the scenario of perfect family. How about those who divorced civilly and remarried civilly and turns out their second marriage is the good marriage and they also get children from this marriage and they grow old with the second marriage spouse and be faithful to him/her untill death do them part?

I think you are subscribing to a relativistic theology. You are determining what a ‘good marriage’ is based on what?

You see, God binds two people together. If there is a real justification for a separation (which only really means physically living apart from each other), that means that one or both spouses are not able to reconcile to one another because of sin. But this still does not change the covenant bond which was made through the Christian God.

Something lost in today’s Christian world (outside Catholic Teaching and all those who hold to the same) is suffering injustice. It is not God’s will that the Christian should seek ‘happiness’ or a ‘better life’ by means of abandoning the covenant they made to their wife or husband. This Covenant reflects the one made by Christ to the Church. In this life, we are bound to Jesus and He is bound to us. No matter how far we stray, we always have reconciliation to Him. There is no such thing
as ‘no hope for reconciliation’ in a covenant bond. This is what Christ was saying.

If I’m not addressing your concerns, please let me know.

 

[francisca]

I think you are subscribing to a relativistic theology. You are determining what a ‘good marriage’ is based on what?

Good marriage is the one that lasts “until death do us part”. If the first one fail, the second one may be the one… I know…it sounds so permissive… hmm… I’m saying it may be for some people, it’s part of finding the meaning of life and love…

I do not have any reference about this remarriage matters. I’m only seeing how reality so different than the ideal teaching of marriage. I wonder if there are many people regret remarrying.

I know some of my friend remarry, I can’t tell what their stories will be… I know there are some regret after divorce, I do not know their next stories: I assume they will find happiness if they can understand what they’re looking for: that true faithful love… and again, the question is: is it possible to find faithful love after you believe in “stop loving” the previous one… I do not know… only those who has gone through it all can know whether it is possible to find faithful love from second, third, fourth marriages…

 

[JerryZ]

Good marriage is the one that lasts “until death do us part”. If the first one fail, the second one may be the one… I know…it sounds so permissive… hmm… I’m saying it may be for some people, it’s part of finding the meaning of life and love…

I do not have any reference about this remarriage matters. I’m only seeing how reality so different than the ideal teaching of marriage. I wonder if there are many people regret remarrying.

I know some of my friend remarry, I can’t tell what their stories will be… I know there are some regret after divorce, I do not know their next stories: I assume they will find happiness if they can understand what they’re looking for: that true faithful love… and again, the question is: is it possible to find faithful love after you believe in “stop loving” the previous one… I do not know… only those who has gone through it all can know whether it is possible to find faithful love from second, third, fourth marriages…

And there is the crux of the matter “stop loving” what does that mean exactly?

If 2 persons married and I will outright dismiss those that “marry” in a civil ceremony but only those who accept a Christian marriage, of which I would venture the Catholic Church is one of the few to view marriage as a Sacrament instituted directly by Jesus Himself.
The bride and groom make vows to each other, YES, but GOD is the witness and source of the power of the Sacrament. Invoking this solemn vow to each other:
“I, _______, take you, ________, for my lawful wife/husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part.”

Now then how someone reaches to this point, binding him/herself for life to another human being without having properly discerned:
Were they ready to take on, the awesome responsibility? Did they fully comprehend that there could be no go back?
This is why the Catholic Church insists on would be spouses to take Precana “classes”.
And people get upset that they are forced to take them.

But I digress, love, what is love? is it a chemical reaction in your brain? is it a hormonal response?
St. Thomas Aquinas defines it as “willing the good of the other”.

I would recommend that you take 5 minutes to read this document from Peter Kreft on the issue of Love

catholicculture.org/culture/library/view.cfm?recnum=9375
So in the end the question is: When they got married did they REALLY understand what love is?

…

 

[francisca]

And there is the crux of the matter “stop loving” what does that mean exactly?

or, what exacly “NOT to stop loving” really means…
If you stop loving your first wife, then what makes you think you can be faithful to your second…

I do see the danger there, that some people receive and internallize their failed marriages in different ways. Some may learn from their failure and do better in their next one. Some, they are trapped in a circle of searching but can never find that faithful love… so… if the second one allowed, why not the third and fourth too…

The questions to ponder:

1. Does all non-sacramental marriage are purely human?
2. If the above is true, then why some second marriage lasts until death do us part
3. Does human effort count in the marriage. Meaning if they fail first marriage, but then they learn from their expeerience (human psychology, does it count?), then they can have better marriage the second time. Or, such thinking is only human theory that sounds logic but nothing can work unless God bless such effort. The bible teach the latter. Even farmer farms the seed can only grow with God’s blessings. So… yup… we all know the answer already… but still…
4. Does God bless human good will, even in the second marriage?

If 2 persons married and I will outright dismiss those that “marry” in a civil ceremony but only those who accept a Christian marriage, of which I would venture the Catholic Church is one of the few to view marriage as a Sacrament instituted directly by Jesus Himself.
The bride and groom make vows to each other, YES, but GOD is the witness and source of the power of the Sacrament. Invoking this solemn vow to each other:
“I, _______, take you, ________, for my lawful wife/husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part.”

Now then how someone reaches to this point, binding him/herself for life to another human being without having properly discerned:
Were they ready to take on, the awesome responsibility? Did they fully comprehend that there could be no go back?
This is why the Catholic Church insists on would be spouses to take Precana “classes”.
And people get upset that they are forced to take them.

Now this is where another question should be asked;
If the church can conduct such classes to prepare couples for marriage, then shouldn’t it be possible to have similar class to teach people who are considering divorce–whether their reason for divorce is lawful according to the bible-- before they go to civil court?

May this be the reason why the sheep scattered: there is no shepherd to tend them, they go to civil court, because the church has nothing to say when it’s regarding divorce, regardless the couples problems divorce is seen as lawful in ANY REASON whatsoever.

This is what the church basically say: “Now that you two are married, if you wanna divorce, go to civil court” No matter what the people problems are (whatever cause), divorce is not allowed. Is this exactly what Jesus was saying in Matthew19? That Divorce is unlawful in “any cause whatever” ?

I still have doubt with the translation “except in the case of unlawful marriage”, because my english catholic bible translate it as “prostitution”, and my non-english catholic bible translate it as “immorality”. Moreover, Matthew 5:32 also using different word than Mat19. Thus even Matthew himself may have difficulty in translating the aramaic hebrew word to greek. Thus debating translation alone is quite tricky.

I also know a bit about contextual translation: the choice of word is decided by contextual analysis of history and overall teaching of overall message of that passage. Thus to understand the bigger message (what’s the inspired teaching is) is more important than clinging to one version of translation from one or two verses only.

So we have to go from Moses Law to the Woman at The Well whose marriage failed multiple times…

I believe fully the integral teaching of Marriage: Marriage is instituted by God, and is eternal undissolvable… except… (we leave this part blank first, translation debate)… so now-- this is the part I cannot understand-- that the church give all power to the civil court to decide, and so, basically now divorce is a reality of life, adultery is done within marriage, but the church just keep on saying all the ideal that is far from reality, while civil court keep deciding all the real cases…

But I digress, love, what is love? is it a chemical reaction in your brain? is it a hormonal response?
St. Thomas Aquinas defines it as “willing the good of the other”.

I would recommend that you take 5 minutes to read this document from Peter Kreft on the issue of Love

catholicculture.org/culture/library/view.cfm?recnum=9375
So in the end the question is: When they got married did they REALLY understand what love is?
…

I do believe in and I’m sure all people want to believe the ideal teaching too. Only when reality keep on knocking at the door, then you keep on pondering what God really trying to teach.

 

[JerryZ]

or, what exacly “NOT to stop loving” really means…
If you stop loving your first wife, then what makes you think you can be faithful to your second…

I do see the danger there, that some people receive and internallize their failed marriages in different ways. Some may learn from their failure and do better in their next one. Some, they are trapped in a circle of searching but can never find that faithful love… so… if the second one allowed, why not the third and fourth too…

The questions to ponder:

1. Does all non-sacramental marriage are purely human?
2. If the above is true, then why some second marriage lasts until death do us part
3. Does human effort count in the marriage. Meaning if they fail first marriage, but then they learn from their expeerience (human psychology, does it count?), then they can have better marriage the second time. Or, such thinking is only human theory that sounds logic but nothing can work unless God bless such effort. The bible teach the latter. Even farmer farms the seed can only grow with God’s blessings. So… yup… we all know the answer already… but still…
4. Does God bless human good will, even in the second marriage?

Now this is where another question should be asked;
If the church can conduct such classes to prepare couples for marriage, then shouldn’t it be possible to have similar class to teach people who are considering divorce–whether their reason for divorce is lawful according to the bible-- before they go to civil court?

May this be the reason why the sheep scattered: there is no shepherd to tend them, they go to civil court, because the church has nothing to say when it’s regarding divorce, regardless the couples problems divorce is seen as lawful in ANY REASON whatsoever.

This is what the church basically say: “Now that you two are married, if you wanna divorce, go to civil court” No matter what the people problems are (whatever cause), divorce is not allowed. Is this exactly what Jesus was saying in Matthew19? That Divorce is unlawful in “any cause whatever” ?

I still have doubt with the translation “except in the case of unlawful marriage”, because my english catholic bible translate it as “prostitution”, and my non-english catholic bible translate it as “immorality”. Moreover, Matthew 5:32 also using different word than Mat19. Thus even Matthew himself may have difficulty in translating the aramaic hebrew word to greek. Thus debating translation alone is quite tricky.

I also know a bit about contextual translation: the choice of word is decided by contextual analysis of history and overall teaching of overall message of that passage. Thus to understand the bigger message (what’s the inspired teaching is) is more important than clinging to one version of translation from one or two verses only.

So we have to go from Moses Law to the Woman at The Well whose marriage failed multiple times…

I believe fully the integral teaching of Marriage: Marriage is instituted by God, and is eternal undissolvable… except… (we leave this part blank first, translation debate)… so now-- this is the part I cannot understand-- that the church give all power to the civil court to decide, and so, basically now divorce is a reality of life, adultery is done within marriage, but the church just keep on saying all the ideal that is far from reality, while civil court keep deciding all the real cases…

I do believe in and I’m sure all people want to believe the ideal teaching too. Only when reality keep on knocking at the door, then you keep on pondering what God really trying to teach.

Well for starters we need to realize that marriage as the fundamental cell of human civilization has been present in one form or another since even before Jesus came to dwell among us.
The Catholic Church even though tasked with the transmission of the teachings from Jesus about this matters cannot impose He’s teaching on those who do not believe or do not belong.
The Church has grown from a handful of Jews to more than 5 Billion people in the last 2000 years but there are still many humans left to convince of the truth of the Catholic Church. Also there are many so called “Catholics” who reject Jesus. So who commits adultery is rejecting Jesus, plain and simple.

The Church does have a position on problematic marriages. As I pointed out earlier the process of Church separation for the couple is a step that can be obtained, the spiritual direction is an important tool for the faithful to help in resolving conflicts, also the Church will recommend marriage counselling.
The problem often lies with the people, that close themselves and shut out any help.
The person who engages in extramarital affairs should know that his/her behaviour is gravely sinful. Many just do not want to be told “This is wrong”.
The Church does NOT push anyone to a “civil divorce” She cannot. People do this IN SPITE of the Church. It is like me driving toward a precipice and being told “do not drive in that direction!” But I do not want to hear it!
I shut down my own conscience to pursue my own pleasure, but killing myself in the process.

…

 

[francisca]

This morning I attended Sunday Mass and homily was about marriage!!!

The priest said that marriage is a school of FORGIVENESS and he continued with asking “what is more beautiful than seeing young couple clasping each other?” then he answered his own question “what is more beautiful than such is seeing OLD COUPLE clasping each other”. He said that in marriage we are to learn to be faithful as God is faithful, and also that catholic marriage is a sacramental marriage… and so on.

When it was time to sing “Our Father who art in heaven… Thy will be done…” I found my self tearing.

I know that I have fallen into legalistic attitude. I can’t help it. I know that the teaching of the church about marriage is a good teaching. I can’t help but being ANGRY at the sense of INJUSTICE in reality.

Does forgiveness include allowing injustice to persist?

 

[rcwitness]

This morning I attended Sunday Mass and homily was about marriage!!!

That seems funny for what the readings are about, but nothing wrong with bringing marriage into the context I guess.

The priest said that marriage is a school of FORGIVENESS and he continued with asking “what is more beautiful than seeing young couple clasping each other?” then he answered his own question “what is more beautiful than such is seeing OLD COUPLE clasping each other”. He said that in marriage we are to learn to be faithful as God is faithful, and also that catholic marriage is a sacramental marriage… and so on.

Yes! Marriage is a “call” to holiness through Sacrament. Its a measure we voluntarily bind ourselves to. And only Christ’s perfect example and grace stands as the pillar of marriage.

When it was time to sing “Our Father who art in heaven… Thy will be done…” I found my self tearing.

I can get tearfull sometimes during Mass and hyms.

I know that I have fallen into legalistic attitude. I can’t help it. I know that the teaching of the church about marriage is a good teaching. I can’t help but being ANGRY at the sense of INJUSTICE in reality.

But we all (and i’m speaking in the context of a Christian marriage) know as a fundamental principle of being Christian, that we caused Injustice towards God Who paid dearly because of.

Does forgiveness include allowing injustice to persist?

This is a good question. Let me quote St Paul and St Peter…

1Cor. 6
6 When one of you has a grievance against a brother, does he dare go to law before the unrighteous[a] instead of the saints? 2 Do you not know that the saints will judge the world? And if the world is to be judged by you, are you incompetent to try trivial cases? 3 Do you not know that we are to judge angels? How much more, matters pertaining to this life! 4 If then you have such cases, why do you lay them before those who are least esteemed by the church? 5 I say this to your shame. Can it be that there is no man among you wise enough to decide between members of the brotherhood, 6 but brother goes to law against brother, and that before unbelievers?

7 To have lawsuits at all with one another is defeat for you. Why not rather suffer wrong? Why not rather be defrauded? 8 But you yourselves wrong and defraud, and that even your own brethren.

1Peter 2
18 Servants, be submissive to your masters with all respect, not only to the kind and gentle but also to the overbearing. 19 For one is approved if, mindful of God, he endures pain while suffering unjustly. 20 For what credit is it, if when you do wrong and are beaten for it you take it patiently? But if when you do right and suffer for it you take it patiently, you have God’s approval. 21 For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps. 22 He committed no sin; no guile was found on his lips. 23 When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten; but he trusted to him who judges justly. 24 He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree,[c] that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed. 25 For you were straying like sheep, but have now returned to the Shepherd and Guardian of your souls.

We can certainly apply most all Christian instruction for a marriage relationship! It is set apart even from all other relationships, and not as less important but higher in importance and dependency on God’s ways.

 

[francisca]

That seems funny for what the readings are about, but nothing wrong with bringing marriage into the context I guess.

Yes! Marriage is a “call” to holiness through Sacrament. Its a measure we voluntarily bind ourselves to. And only Christ’s perfect example and grace stands as the pillar of marriage.

I can get tearfull sometimes during Mass and hyms.

But we all (and i’m speaking in the context of a Christian marriage) know as a fundamental principle of being Christian, that we caused Injustice towards God Who paid dearly because of.
This is a good question. Let me quote St Paul and St Peter…

1Cor. 6
6 When one of you has a grievance against a brother, does he dare go to law before the unrighteous[a] instead of the saints? 2 Do you not know that the saints will judge the world? And if the world is to be judged by you, are you incompetent to try trivial cases? 3 Do you not know that we are to judge angels? How much more, matters pertaining to this life! 4 If then you have such cases, why do you lay them before those who are least esteemed by the church? 5 I say this to your shame. Can it be that there is no man among you wise enough to decide between members of the brotherhood, 6 but brother goes to law against brother, and that before unbelievers?

7 To have lawsuits at all with one another is defeat for you. Why not rather suffer wrong? Why not rather be defrauded? 8 But you yourselves wrong and defraud, and that even your own brethren.

1Peter 2
18 Servants, be submissive to your masters with all respect, not only to the kind and gentle but also to the overbearing. 19 For one is approved if, mindful of God, he endures pain while suffering unjustly. 20 For what credit is it, if when you do wrong and are beaten for it you take it patiently? But if when you do right and suffer for it you take it patiently, you have God’s approval. 21 For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps. 22 He committed no sin; no guile was found on his lips. 23 When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten; but he trusted to him who judges justly. 24 He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree,[c] that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed. 25 For you were straying like sheep, but have now returned to the Shepherd and Guardian of your souls.

We can certainly apply most all Christian instruction for a marriage relationship! It is set apart even from all other relationships, and not as less important but higher in importance and dependency on God’s ways.

Thanks for the above quote. it’s a good one. I have read it before, but… it kinda disappearing in the midst of many questions about reality of life. I have come to learn in the past that bitterness and bad experience can’t really teach what’s divine, rather, it should be divine revelation to reveal what’s divine thus it takes divine experience. I’m kinda bitter rightnow thus my thourghts may run into the darkest places and my question asking for the illumination of those who still can see that divine light.

My next question: how about “the human dignity” of the abused wife?

 

[JerryZ]

Well as stated previously the spouse that suffers from an abusive husband/wife does not have to take the abuse forever.
We are talking of a Catholic marriage I presume, therefore all avenues have been exhausted like Psychological help / marriage counselling, etc. If after all this the situation has not been resolved then the spouse can apply for a Church separation.
And after the prescribed amount of time that spouse can start or request an investigation of annulment. If it is granted that means that the abusive spouse probably withheld something that would have made that marriage invalid.

If for example the abusive spouse did not disclose that he/she suffered from a psychosis that made him/her irascible (prone to violence) BEFORE getting married.
Probably the other spouse would have think twice before entering the marriage vows with that person, right?

The Church does not want people to place themselves in physical danger, She recognizes that as we are fallen nature sometimes a marriage cannot continue.
The other side of the coin is that if the marriage is deemed valid by the Church tribunal, that spouse although separated cannot remarry. OR he/she will be gravely sinning.
If he/she remains faithful to the vows there is no impediment to continue receiving the sacraments and using this cross to gain merit by offering it up to Jesus.
I hope this helps you in your quest for peace, remember that GOD and Jesus love you.
I will pray for you that you can solve your problems too.

…

 

[francisca]

Isn’t it rather depressing after all the ideal teaching about sacrmental marriage, in the end the church agree that separation is the solution.

And what is the faundation of this church-separation? I know that practical application can be flexible, but it can’t/ shan’t go the opposite way: if doctrine says “couples shouldn’t be separated”, then why church-separation is allowed? I mean, separation will happen regardless what the church say anyway, but it is completely different matter that CCC ALLOW IT under exception. What’s the faoundation of such exception?

I am still arguing that Mat19 is the foundation of the said church-separation in abuse cases and adultery cases. If there is no consequence of broken vows, then why making the vows in the first place?

No couple-counseling is needed when abuse/ adultery takes place, because it will not be useful.

CCC 1646

• The fidelity of conjugal love
  1646 By its very nature conjugal love requires the inviolable fidelity of the spouses. This is the consequence of the gift of themselves which they make to each other. Love seeks to be definitive; it cannot be an arrangement “until further notice.” The "intimate union of marriage, as a mutual giving of two persons, and the good of the children, demand total fidelity from the spouses and require an unbreakable union between them."157
  CCC 1610
  1610 …, the law given to Moses aims at protecting the wife from arbitrary domination by the husband, even though according to the Lord’s words it still carries traces of man’s “hardness of heart” which was the reason Moses permitted men to divorce their wives.101

I do believe in sacramental marriage. The bible mention “first wife” and “the wife of your youth” several times. It’s quite obvious in the bible, that first wife holds special position in God’s eye. However, it also quite apparent that there is a big gap between sacramental marriage teaching and the hard choices people make in civil courts. So let’s make it clear: I do agree on indissolubility of sacramental marriage, thus “no divorce”, only “church-separation” .

I guess what I want is a church who is more involved in people’s struggles in their reality. For example: it may help the people if the church have ** a system that allows them to register spouse’s abuse/ adultery (with strong evidence)** and do the follow up such as warn them in written, or invite them for individual-counselling, and at the same time formally acknowledge-- in the letter-- spouse’s suffering as a worthy suffering acknowledged by the church. Such is the least the church can do to bridge the gap between sacramental marriage and the reality of day to day struggles. What I want is the church to get involved in a very real way: to elevate the victims dignity, to educate, and warn the offenders as they’re falling from grance, before it’s too late to save the marriage.

Btw, is there any clear rule stated in the church-separation regarding who should educate the children?
In abuse case, will the church recommend that the children be educated by the non-abusive spouse?

 

[rcwitness]

Isn’t it rather depressing after all the ideal teaching about sacrmental marriage, in the end the church agree that separation is the solution.

And what is the faundation of this church-separation? I know that practical application can be flexible, but it can’t/ shan’t go the opposite way: if doctrine says “couples shouldn’t be separated”, then why church-separation is allowed? I mean, separation will happen regardless what the church say anyway, but it is completely different matter that CCC ALLOW IT under exception. What’s the faoundation of such exception?

I am still arguing that Mat19 is the foundation of the said church-separation in abuse cases and adultery cases. If there is no consequence of broken vows, then why making the vows in the first place?

No couple-counseling is needed when abuse/ adultery takes place, because it will not be useful.

CCC 1646

• The fidelity of conjugal love
  1646 By its very nature conjugal love requires the inviolable fidelity of the spouses. This is the consequence of the gift of themselves which they make to each other. Love seeks to be definitive; it cannot be an arrangement “until further notice.” The "intimate union of marriage, as a mutual giving of two persons, and the good of the children, demand total fidelity from the spouses and require an unbreakable union between them."157
  CCC 1610
  1610 …, the law given to Moses aims at protecting the wife from arbitrary domination by the husband, even though according to the Lord’s words it still carries traces of man’s “hardness of heart” which was the reason Moses permitted men to divorce their wives.101

I do believe in sacramental marriage. The bible mention “first wife” and “the wife of your youth” several times. It’s quite obvious in the bible, that first wife holds special position in God’s eye. However, it also quite apparent that there is a big gap between sacramental marriage teaching and the hard choices people make in civil courts. So let’s make it clear: I do agree on indissolubility of sacramental marriage, thus “no divorce”, only “church-separation” .

I guess what I want is a church who is more involved in people’s struggles in their reality. For example: it may help the people if the church have ** a system that allows them to register spouse’s abuse/ adultery (with strong evidence)** and do the follow up such as warn them in written, or invite them for individual-counselling, and at the same time formally acknowledge-- in the letter-- spouse’s suffering as a worthy suffering acknowledged by the church. Such is the least the church can do to bridge the gap between sacramental marriage and the reality of day to day struggles. What I want is the church to get involved in a very real way: to elevate the victims dignity, to educate, and warn the offenders as they’re falling from grance, before it’s too late to save the marriage.

Btw, is there any clear rule stated in the church-separation regarding who should educate the children?
In abuse case, will the church recommend that the children be educated by the non-abusive spouse?

Maybe you have a “calling” to be involved in (or establish) some sort of marriage support group within your parish…

 

[francisca]

Maybe you have a “calling” to be involved in (or establish) some sort of marriage support group within your parish…

Well, I feel like need some couple-counselling right now

 

[rcwitness]

Well, I feel like need some couple-counselling right now

Oh, that’s good you want to work at it and focus on the principles of your marriage!

Maybe someday you’ll be able to help others then. That can only happen if you first get through your problems. And maybe, on account of your spouse, you never will “get through all problems”. But if you accept the eternal union which you have, and honor your spouse, and forgive them, you will be able to save their souls and cover a multitude of sins!

I realize (because I’m married) that reality gets very challenging and each partner can bring their own weakness into the relationship.

What I find to be one of the best practices in a healthy marriage is to have a devotion to pray together. Pray open and honest to God with your spouse about family things. I believe this pleases God very much.

 

[francisca]

Oh, that’s good you want to work at it and focus on the principles of your marriage!

Ok sure…but this thread is not about me, though. I hope no misunderstanding… My last post was only answering your comment about me…

Maybe someday you’ll be able to help others then.

Well, I hope this thread help those who try to discern their situation

That can only happen if you first get through your problems. And maybe, on account of your spouse, you never will “get through all problems”. But if you accept the eternal union which you have, and honor your spouse, and forgive them, you will be able to save their souls and cover a multitude of sins!

right

I realize (because I’m married) that reality gets very challenging and each partner can bring their own weakness into the relationship.

Sure right.
Hardness of heart and Infidelity are not “weakness”, though
They are broken vows.

What I find to be one of the best practices in a healthy marriage is to have a devotion to pray together. Pray open and honest to God with your spouse about family things. I believe this pleases God very much.

If one partner pray, but the other one continue persistently to abuse/ commit adultery, then God will say “Daughter, I create you with dignity. I create your children with dignity. It is your duty NOT to allow anyone to treat you in an abusive/ adulterous manner. Pack up your bag and leave before your children think that abusive/adulterous behavior is acceptable”.

Church-separation is to teach people to patiently wait in hope to be reconciled to one another, and to find that “living water” (Jesus as the living water, is the source of faithful love, finding Jesus-- instead of finding new partner/ remarry-- no more thirst for love. Read about conversation with Woman at the Well).

I am saying, if the church believe in this teaching, then she has to find a way to help the people (especially women) in facing adulterous/ abusive partners by stern warning or something like that. And why not? Prophet Nathan use this method towards King David and it worked.

If wives are to obey their husbands, then whom these adulterous/abusive husbands obey? The church must do the job, otherwise civil court will do it! We women can only educate our sons, we can’t educate husbands. They don’t listen to us because we are the ones to obey them. Then who will educate these adulterous/ abusive men? Choose one: the Mother church, or civil court! As we, women, we will educate our sons, so they wont follow the legacy of their adulterous/abusive fathers. The church has a big task in helping us living the ideal church teaching about marriage, otherwise secular court will do the task according to their own measure of justice.

Couple counseling is useless because when vows are broken, nothing to talk about anymore (everything else becomes irrelevant). Only when repentant, then everything else can be discussed, example: each others weaknesses.

The fruit of allowing injustice to persist is a legacy of injustice. The fruit of allowing adultery is a legacy of adulterous generation. In extreme cases, extreme measures is necessary.

Justice and Mercy are the attribute of the same God. You can’t have one without another. They’re two faces of the same coin. You can’t forgive an offender if you haven’t give justice to the person he/she offended.

If the church ever decide to administer holy communion to remarried couples, she has to make sure that the first wife agree to such, at least they (the remarried couples) ought to write apology letter to the first wife/husband and children of the first marriage, and continuously try to build good friendship with them (no enmity with the first wife/husband and children from the first marriage), no unpaid alimony or something like that. Marriage vows were between two humans, and not between God and humans, thus the human-issues from the first marriage were/are important issues in God’s eye. I am no canon/ ccc expert, I am talking as a lay married woman&mother and as a holy-bible reader point of view.