Is it me, or has the cost of having children been blown WAY out of porportion?

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shannyk

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So I’ve recently become re-acquainted with a bunch of elementary school friends, none of whom have children (most aren’t even married yet, we are 32) and ALL of whom are really surprised that I have 3 kids.

In talking with them, I’ve found out they all site finances as the main reason for waiting (even longer) to have a family. Yet, they are all professional people, some lawyers, some doctors, some with PhD’s, and certainly earn above average incomes.

The few that are married, combined with their spouses easily make 6 figures.

I have to wonder what it is they think kids need that is so expensive? Or is this a matter of not knowing what true need is?

I grew up as the oldest of a largish family (by modern standards) 7 total (though 2 were born when I was out of the house and into adulthood), and we didn’t have much money, but we had food, a home, transportation, etc. There was enough money for us to do extracurricular activities, like flute lessons for me, sports, yadda yadda.

We had the basics, and that was fine. We shopped for clothes maybe once yearly, and shoes twice.

There was no college savings for any of us, yet we’ve all gotten through college by working.

My parents never owned anything but a house and cars, no stocks, no real savings beyond a few hundred emergency dollars. Yet, we all seem to have made it through fine:shrug:

They year I had my first child my hub and I earned a whopping 16K. Somehow we made it:shrug: But some people would think we were crazy for not owning a home first, finishing school first, having a ‘nest egg’ first, etc.

I’m currently earning in the very low 50’s and have 3 children, and we seem to be doing ok (or so I think?). I recently bought and renovated a home. I don’t have any credit cards or car loans, and only buy what I actually have money for, which really after the basics of mortgage (1800), utilities, gas and food isn’t too much. I’m fine with that.

So, is it just me, or have people my age bought into a lie about the cost of having children? I feel as though by current standards my poor children are living a deprived life. I know these old friends of mine are thinking exactly that.

Opinions? I’m interested to hear.

What are the things you think kids need and don’t need?
 
finances is an excuse, not a reason, to delay having children, unless of course the family is in a real financial emergency or stress.

let’s see, the mortgage or rent payment and utilities stay the same–babies don’t take up that much space–if you don’t buy all the unneccesary acoutrements they try to sell-- although you may have to move once you have 2 or 3 older kids. We raised our kids in the same 2 BR bungalow til eldest was in 8th grade.

food expense–nil except for your cravings and bf nutrition, vitamins etc, since you are bfing for 8 months at least

gas and car expense–a few more trips to doctor’s office and hospital, nothing major, and nothing you can’t combine w/other errands, grocery shopping on the way home etc.

stuff–aha, now there is a world of spending opportunity
tip to knew parents–let grandparents go nuts with this stuff so you don’t have to, they love to spend on this (90% unneeded) stuff, so send them to BabiesRUs and let them go to it.

you need a place for baby to sleep, some basic clothing items–ask for the diapering system you plan to use as your major gift–even most of the lotions and cleansers are unneeded, and a pad to cover the place you will be changing and bathing him.

every thing else is extra

what you should never skimp on or skip is healthcare coverage, never under any circumstances allow your coverage to drop, and if that is unavoidable apply for medicaid, cobra or any other emergency coverage immediately so there is no lapse in coverage.

cost to add the baby to your health plan usually 50 to 200 a month, depending on where you work.
 
I think it varies; however, I don’t have kids.

I think it really depends on where you live. Here in Atlanta, I would not want to send my kids to public school. We live in Fulton Co. in Atlanta city…not the suburbs. The schools are pretty terrible.

However, we don’t plan on homeschooling either. Private school here is not only tough to get into, but it is expensive as well. However, some of the private schools are the best in the country.

Cost of living is another factor. Of course it costs more to have a kid in a big city than it does in a small town.

We could afford a kid now and once I am home while I am fertile we’ll start trying. Now that Nathan freelances we still have a little bit of a supplemental income plus a really good amount in savings. We don’t own a home. We live in an 800 sq foot 1 BR apartment.

I think it gets blown out of proportion often. It all depends on the family, where they live, what their standard of living is, the cost of living, etc etc.

I grew up in a pretty big city with terrible public schools. All 5 of us went to private school preschool through 12th grade. My parents paid the difference between my college scholarship and my actual tuition and sorority dues. I worked to have “fun money.” We did lots of activities, my parents owned a second home, we traveled a lot, they just paid for my wedding, etc. However, none of these things were necessities obviously. We were blessed to be in a great situation, and we never took that for granted.

My mom still swears having a kid isn’t that expensive.

I heard the other day that having a kid costs a million dollars if you include college education. Obviously that number is ridiculous…even if you include college.
 
I agree kids are not that expensive. I believe many in our faith have fallen into the trap of materialism and do not want to give up their time to either a spouse or children. This sounds harsh but I believe it is at least part of the problem. Another issue is widespread divorce. This can be a real concern. When all the neighbors are getting divorced, a long term committment begins to appear optional. How do you find a spouse that is really committed? Beyond this concern, how do you find a spouse that is true to the faith and will help you raise God’s gift of children in a harmonius and faith filled environment.

With this in mind, if you have a good spouse and are true to the faith, I believe there is no greater joy that a home filled with children. 🙂
 
**Well, here is my take.

Kids DO cost money. But the ones who usually worry about that are the ones who make more money…doesn’t make any sense.

Hubby and I are on one income and my disability insurance. We struggle. There is food (yes, 2 year olds CAN substantially increase your food bill;)), clothing, shoes,…

we HAD to buy a new (used) car when we were expecting since our old one was not safe and wouldn’t have fit a decent car seat. Oh, and carseats… I will not scrimp on safety so they can cost quite a bit…

we plan to homeschool which will be dramatically cheaper than sending her to school. But, if that doesn’t work out then we will be scrambling to come up with money for that dreaded “list” of school supplies, the indoor/outdoor shoes, field trips, fundraisers…lunches, extra gas for driving, outfits for school concerts etc…

So, while I don’t think that kids NEED a lot of the stuff society says they do, they do cost more than some people think they do. Clear as mud, I know:D**
 
rskempf said:
I agree kids are not that expensive. I believe many in our faith have fallen into the trap of materialism and do not want to give up their time to either a spouse or children. This sounds harsh but I believe it is at least part of the problem. Another issue is widespread divorce. This can be a real concern. When all the neighbors are getting divorced, a long term committment begins to appear optional. How do you find a spouse that is really committed? Beyond this concern, how do you find a spouse that is true to the faith and will help you raise God’s gift of children in a harmonius and faith filled environment.

With this in mind, if you have a good spouse and are true to the faith, I believe there is no greater joy that a home filled with children. 🙂
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I agree with this post … we have 4 children, and are open to more. We have others in our family who think we are nuts. 🤷 DH and I talked about it – one nephew is very successful financially, and he is the most outspoken about how expensive having more children would be.
I think some folks just don’t want to admit that it takes some sacrifice to have a bigger family — sacrifices of time, money, experiences, etc. We have a modest house, modest cars, and don’t take vacations – a number of years ago, this would have bothered me. Now, I know I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams.

Having children is a test of faith for me – it forces me to let go, and let God take care of things in my life.
 
I think we need to be realistic and not deny the truth. Kids CAN be expensive. When you have a child, you are gambling on getting a normal, healthy child who has a normal cadre of interests and talents. But sometimes you get someone quite extraordinary who requires a lot more “maintainance!”

My sister in law has three boys: a 5-year-old and 3-year-old twins. Everything was going along just great financially–until one of the twins got cancer.

Now they are $750,000 in debt. They had insurance, but eventually the insurance ran out. She and her son spent 128 straight days at the cancer hospital.

He’s in remission now, and we are all praying for his complete recovery. He’s a sweetie.

Not only are they in debt for the cancer treatments and care, but they are facing all kinds of future debts because the boys suffered a lot of developmental delays during that nightmarish year. The oldest boy is in counselling for nightmares; he’s afraid to sleep at night. The non-sick twin is a brat, but I think that will fix itself as he is now getting a little more attention from mommy. And the sick twin has speech therapy because his mouth and tongue are too weak too form words, various eating disorders, gait problems that require physical therapy…

My sister-in-law and her husband gambled, and they lost. Their kid turned out to be a sink-hole for money.

I think a lot of people look at situations like this, assess them, and say, “The gamble is too much. We will not take the chance on having a child because we are not willing to take the chance that he/she will turn out to be expensive.”

It doesn’t have to be something awful like cancer. Our daughters were figure skaters. Now, we could have said “No, it’s too expensive.” But we love the sport, too. So they skated and loved it, and it cost us a fortune, around $12,000/year per daughter in their teenaged years. Yowza.

If only they had been interested in cross stitching! Or some other cheap hobby, like…well, almost anything except figure skating!

Yes, many parents say “No” to their child’s interest in a particular activity (art, sport, hobby) because of expense. And that’s OK. The child will survive. Most of us didn’t have any fancy, schmancy sports or music lessons or theater experience while we were growing up and dad gum it, we survived just fine and dandy, didn’t we?

But you know, it’s really wonderful to be able to say “yes” to a child’s interests and talents.

We shouldn’t criticize people who want to give their children the opportunity to do some of these expensive activities. That’s not selfish or gratuitous. GOD Himself wants to give us all His wealth (see Ephesians 1), and HE isn’t selfish at all.

It’s majorly expensive to take organ lessons, become a world-class skier, take horse-back riding lessons and compete, join a travelling boys choir, climb mountains, kayak, etc. etc.

Yet, many people do not want to deny their kids these opportunities if that’s what the child is interested in.

Hence the perception that a child can be expensive. Yes, they can.

One of my friends has two children. From the time her daughter was a toddler, she loved horses. She didn’t just love them, she adored them. She started horse-back riding lessons when she was three.

When she was twelve, my friend and her husband SOLD their beautiful home and moved to a ranch in the country for the sole purpose of providing their daughter with the facility she needed to train and compete with her horses. They gave up a LOT to do this. (In case you’re wondering, their other child was OK with it; his gift was computer geekery, and he ended up graduating from high school at 16 and getting a full scholarship to a prestigious university. He didn’t mind moving to a ranch as long as he had his computers!)

When my daughters were young, we decided to commute into Chicago (65 miles away) so that they could be part of elite synchronized skating teams. It cost a fortune, my entire paycheck.

Funny thing–all of the OTHER parents in the teams (about 200 families) were the same way as we were --passionate about giving their children every opportunity possible.

And I think that’s just fine. All of us knew that our kids didn’t HAVE to skate on elite synchro teams to grow up and be happy. But why NOT? It sure made life delightful.

Everyone will have a different philosophy of raising children. If you are happy to keep your children at home, teaching them the value of simple pleasures like gardening and cooking and hiring the local girl to teach them how to play a few tunes on the piano, that’s wonderful. Your children will grow up just fine and they will be happy and love God and others.

I and many other people aren’t like that, though. And our children will also grow up just fine and be happy and love God and others.

One more thing–someone mentioned above that in their city, it’s not a good idea for children to attend public schools. That’s what it’s like in my city. Many Christian families here face an expense of anywhere from $2500 to $10,000 per year per child to send them to private schools. And homeschooling is not an option for every family. Yikes.
 
shannyk said:
So I’ve recently become re-acquainted with a bunch of elementary school friends, none of whom have children (most aren’t even married yet, we are 32) and ALL of whom are really surprised that I have 3 kids.

In talking with them, I’ve found out they all site finances as the main reason for waiting (even longer) to have a family. Yet, they are all professional people, some lawyers, some doctors, some with PhD’s, and certainly earn above average incomes.

The few that are married, combined with their spouses easily make 6 figures.

I have to wonder what it is they think kids need that is so expensive? Or is this a matter of not knowing what true need is?
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What are the things you think kids need and don’t need?
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Children primarily need life and love. A home and food are neccesary too. They need medical care and education too, but the actual amount they require, the quality and the expense for those vary greatly. (In the U.S., there* is* public education and college wasn’t always a requirement. For situations of extreme medical need, there is safety net in our health care system, even if it doesn’t provide the best and most expensive care.)

All else is optional. Many of us can’t differentiate between needs and wants.

I have a theory: raising children takes any amount of time and money that the parents will spend. If your friends make six figure incomes, they probably hear how much money people making that amount of money spend on children–and if they have a lot to give, it takes a lot.

As the average family size get smaller, it seems to cost small families more to raise children. Children might really be (as an old book/movie said,) Cheaper by the Dozen.🙂
 
The problem with the cancer card is that it could just as easily be applied to one or both of the spouses–so it’s a wash. Same goes for interests. Adults can get hooked on some REALLY expensive hobbies. And they are a lot harder to say no to aren’t they? The fact is that yes, kids are a major expense, but what we are talking about here is the undeniable societal allergy to fecundity and the accompanying saw that children are mostly expense and drudgery with little in the benefits column to recommend them.
 
How about this: in my country, all moms can get monthly financial aid for each child. All schools are public and free. Medical care is free. Colleges are free for the better half of the students. Preschool is cheap. And STILL everybody says they’re not having kids because they can’t afford to. 🤷 :confused:

I breastfeed my child and she eats the same solids we do. 😃 . We clothe her in hand-me-downs. So far (she’s 20mo) I haven’t felt we’re spending more than we used to before we had her. I find that the parents who do struggle financially BECAUSE of the kids, not because they otherwise would too, tend to be the ones who think they have to get all the ‘stuff’. It starts with fancy cribs and gadgets and strollers and goes on with toys and clothes and ends with cellphones and fancy computers and such.

Not trying to put down parents who are able to provide kids with all that, just sayin’ these aren’t necessities at all.
 
I was truly surprized after hearing everyone tell me how expensive babies were to find out that ours has cost us next to nothing. Almost everything we needed for the baby we recieved as gifts and handmedowns from relatives who were done having babies. The only thing we’ve had to buy extra is diapers. And we’ve spent some money frivolously on DS (cute outfits and toys) but we didn’t need to. Plus, because we are a lower income family, the Canadian government gives us close to $400 a month in baby bonuses. So we’re actually making money by having a baby!
I think though that what people mean by kids are expensive is that there is a definite cost to having younger kids. You either have to live off one income and have one spouse stay home or pay for daycare. DH and I are a little worried about how we’ll manage next year when my maternity pay runs up. If he doesn’t find a better job we could be in trouble.
 
Good thread. Yes, kids can be expensive, but society over-states the expense in order to encourage us all to keep postponing and delaying having kids. We had our two children in our twenties, and we’re glad that we got an early start. Friends of ours (in their late 30s or early 40s) are just starting to raise families–probably in part due to the cost estimates floating around out there.

Yes, there are incredible sacrifices when it comes to having kids, but the benefits make the sacrifices look like a walk in the park–if you are blest with good and healthy children. Don’t let society tell you when the “time is right” for kids, because in our consumer-oriented culture, the time never is right.
 
Well, we were one couple who jumped in with both feet, because “the cost of raising kids has been blown out of proportion.” Well, as others have said, in an ideal world, it has been. But just ask any of us who have had less than ideal circumstances, and you can see how some people are scared. I do think that most people could afford to have a healthy child, but not all children are born healthy, and many people want to make sure that they are in a position to deal with the what-ifs.
 
A dual income couple who start out marriage with (paid for) degrees from prestigious universities, a house, a vacation home, a leased Lexus, a leased BMW, a personal watercraft, a gardener, a housekeeping service, multiple individual hobbies, family members who regularly give hundred dollar presents to everyone, etc. is probably going to find that children are extremely expensive.

A couple that has never had those things will find that children are a lot less expensive.
 
Just as you would appreciate and expect charity from your friends in commenting on the timing and number of your children…I’m sure they would appreciate the same charity from you in commenting on the “validity” of their reasons for delaying marriage and/or parenthood.

The only people who get to vote on this decision is a given couple for themselves. No one else gets or deserves a vote. If your 30-something friends have chosen to be conservative about waiting for kids until finances are secure–particularly given what we’ve all seen and experienced lately in the financial markets–I’d tend to give them credit for being responsible, not necessarily selfish or materialistic.
 
Ugh. Yes I think it is. That’s all I hear from my siblings (I am the youngest so they have 1 or 2 kids and are done). Even worse is the comments about “affording” to stay at home (none do b/c of expenses). It really hurts DH and I because we will never make close to what they do, yet I want to stay home and have a big family. Now we aren’t really worried yet, but we are having fertility problems which makes it all the more painful when I know they are on the pill or sterilized 😦

Now I DO want a house but beyond that I’m quite fine with living frugally in order to have kids and stay at home. My parents farmed with 6 kids and we all wore hand-me-downs, etc and somehow I think my siblings have forgotten their childhood and decided “stuff” is more important. Just yesterday I heard my sister on the phone saying that she and her husband talked about staying at home, but he said then they’d probably have to go to one car, and sell their house and get a smaller one. So basically she couldn’t give those things up in order to be with her daughter :crying: I love my siblings but I don’t know how we have such different priorities. I understand not everyone CAN or WANTS to stay at home, but if you wanted to and all it would take was a smaller house why on earth wouldn’t you??? .
 
Your question is not uncharitable. I am tired of children being seen as a burden by society. In the Catholic Church especially, children should be rightly seen as blessings. Our family life has improved tremendously since we started trying to more closely follow God’s laws and gave up my income so that I could be a full-time Mommy. Our budget is extremely tight, but one more child doesn’t change the budget that much. It’s when they are in high school and college that the costs start piling up, but with God you can find a way.

My in-laws (lapsed Catholic) drive me crazy in this regard. Their children are scared to death to tell them when they are pregnant because they always react negatively. Then they make comments when everyone is at their house with all the kids that it is too loud and too crazy, etc. How sad!
 
I really hate how these threads turn into bashing parents who both have to work.And that somehow not being a SAHM, or not having more than one child equals not trusting in God.

I agree with Island Oak, people get upset when one makes uncharitable comments about someone family size. But somehow because they have a small family it makes it okay?
 
It depends on the family. My partner and I have only 1 child, not because we wouldn’t welcome more but because we just can’t have more due to medical reasons, heck our daughter is practically a miracle all by herself! That being said, I’m glad really that we’re done. We’ve been able to save a lot of $ to put her through college, and of course, we’ll continue saving until she’s done. We’re both worriers, and I think we would worry about not having enough for college for all the children if we had more than one, so I guess we’ve been blessed with just the right size family for us. Of course, our daughter might decide college isn’t for her, but then we’ll have the capital needed to set her up in her own business or get her an apprenticeship or something.
 
I have yet to read anything in this thread that was genuinely uncharitable or bashing two-parent-working households. As Obi-Wan would say, “be mindful of your feelings, they betray you.” That is, if you can’t read something that expresses a preference for staying at home without feeling like your ox is being gored, one should ask who this reveals more about.
 
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