Is it morally wrong to marry a women 20 years older?

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I am almost 30 and she is 50. I sometimes feel like I am doing something morally wrong by marrying a women that much older, but I can’t help it, its the women I fell in love with.

My parents think its wrong and I need to find a women my own age but I tried dating women my own age and I just seem to get along so much better with older women. All my friends are way older than me, I don’t get along well with many people my own age.

We are both very little people. She suffers from dwarfism and is only 4’ tall and I am about 4’11 and just very short stature. She is deaf and I am losing my hearing and am borderline hearing impaired. I qualify for hearing aids but refuse to use them.

Mom says I am trying to find a new mom. She has been very obstanant and negative about the relationship from the start.

Mom is always asking me if I have been dating other women and is trying to fix me up with some girls she knows at work who are single. I tell her I have been dating my Fiance for over a year and we’re engaged and tell her “doesn’t that imply that we are going steady?” How can she dream about me cheating on Karen I love her with all my heart, I would not want to date another women and never could do that to her. Mom tells me I should play the field while dating her and reminds me that eharmony.com has a great new special going on. I feel like I am talking to a brick wall when I am with my mom.

So am I in Sin by marrying a women close to the same age as my mom? Would churches condem me and not accept me as a Christian?
 
It’s certainly an unusual situation.

There are a fair few things you need to think through carefully before taking such a step - for example the issue of children. You’re young enough that you may in future change your mind and want them - what would happen then?

Then think about the fact that for the rest of your lives you will have others, not just your family, misunderstanding and thinking that you DO want a mother replacement even if you don’t.

And there will be unintentional comments too - people may well assume without asking that she’s your mother on occasion. Remember all the comments about George Bush snr and Barbara? And she wasn’t older than he, she just looked it!

Then there’s issues of compatibility of tastes - if there’s a ‘generation gap’ in terms of the types of music or pastimes you’re interested in that will grate after a while too.

In the end, of course, it’s a decision only you can make, but it will almost certainly take work both before and during the marriage.
 
Sublime_Prince said:
So am I in Sin by marrying a women close to the same age as my mom? Would churches condem me and not accept me as a Christian?
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No, you would not be committing a sin by marrying an older woman. What sin could that possibly be?

I am 54 years old. The few regrets that I have in my life are not for things I have done, but for things I should have done but did not do.

Marry the woman you truly love. If you don’t, you will always regret it. Ignore what other people say. It’s not them you have to live with and sleep with until death do you part. They have no say in the matter. Let them see how happy you and your lady are together, and if your family will not accept your marriage, then forget about them.

I know of no Christian Church that would not accept a marriage freely chosen between a man and woman who love one another and want to marry (assuming their are no impediments to a valid marriage). The Catholic Church would certainly accept you happily under those circumstances.

It would be wise for any couple planning to marry to take a marriage preparation class. The Catholic Church offers a program called “pre-Cana”. My wife and I really enjoyed ours and we learned a great deal and met some wonderful people.

Please let us know how it goes.

Your brother,
Paul
 
A marriage to a person who is several years older or younger than you certainly presents obstacles that a couple closer in age might not face, but no, I do not consider such a marriage morally wrong. I am married to a woman who is several years younger than I am, and though we face our share of differences, we are committed to one another and strive to be patient with and tolerant of those differences. If you feel that this person is truly the person God has called you to, then I wish both of you every joy and blessing.
 
Thanks Sublime Prince, your loyalty to Karen is a beautiful thing to read. Regardless of age, the way you describe it, it sounds like there is genuine love there. But we are only getting your side of it not Karens’…we don’t know how she feels about you.

First let’s consider your mom. My mom had studied social psychology and she’d told me, “We mothers…we never cut the imbillical cord mentally - you’re always our baby.” So she’ll always think she knows best. She thinks you’re making a mistake…so forgive her and be patient with her - she’s your mom and she loves you too. Besides as LilyM said, it is an *unusual *situation.

My mom had also told me that it is common for men to look for their own mother’s qualities in the soulmate they choose…so your mom might not be totally wrong on that one either.

This is your big question: Is it morally wrong? I would be a little more worried if you were 50 and she was 30 , but even then, there are some people who link up at those ages.

It would probably help you to observe your relationship from several other perspectives *besides *the fact that you love Karen and the question of is it morally wrong to marry her. So consider the following information, simply a little help in looking at your relationship from different angles.

ANGLE 1: Fr. John Corapi, a well known Catholic priest, when counseling couples about to get married, would start by asking why they wished to marry each other. He said they always replied, “Well…you know father…because I love him/her.”
He would always “correct” (“correct” is the word he used) them and tell them: “The most important reason to get married is so that you can help each other get to heaven.”

ANGLE 2 Marriage and the marriage act are meant to be unitive and procreative (Lily M has already mentioned children to you).

**ANGLE 3 ** When you are Karen’s present age(50), she’ll be 70. Even before that, certain changes take place in middle age, such as menopause, sometimes unhappily osteoperosis, so you need to be prepared/ready/informed (call it what you wish) just in case; the main point being that if you are attached to someone who is indeed very caring…so much so that she does kind of mother you to a point (don’t worry - that’s a quality), a day might come when you will be the partner who has to be the principal care-giver.

Those above-mentioned things are probably worth some consideration Sublime Prince. Ultimately, it isn’t so much what anyone else thinks that is going to matter - it’s what God thinks
and whether the two of you will be able to fulfill His will together.

I wish you, Karen and your mom the best. You’re all in my prayers now. God bless.
 
It is not morally wrong, it has nothing to do with age. However, there are very many things to consider, it’s not all about love. Why? Because you don’t even know if it is love – nobody knows – I mean except when you are ready to assess things unemotionally. Feelings blur our vision, love and feelings are not one thing. All I can say now is that you should be careful in making decisions. You can say today that you don’t care about what people will say (because maybe you have to courage) but nothing is certain in this world, even the bravest soldier now might be the most coward person tomorrow.

It is true that you can do everything that is not morally wrong but not everything will be good for you. I hope this did not confuse you further. All I want to say is be careful. 🙂
 
Sublime_Prince said:
We are both very little people. She suffers from dwarfism and is only 4’ tall and I am about 4’11 and just very short stature. She is deaf and I am losing my hearing and am borderline hearing impaired. I qualify for hearing aids but refuse to use them.
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It is highly unlikely that you would be able to find another woman with the commonality that you have with this woman. So long as you understand that in 20 years she may become old and frail, with more limitations, at a time when you are still eager to experience the world, I say go for it.👍

You both might hesitate to have children together because of genetics and the probability of her having difficulties with child-bearing. Her being older would take care of that. I am sure that there are babies with dwarfism and/or deafness available for adoption. :cool:

The situation is unique, and those who would judge you would probably make the same decision if they were in your shoes. :rolleyes:
 
I agree with you on just one thing. Children. If the husband is older, that isn’t an issue–he’ll still be able. But when the woman is already 50…

But then there is always adoption.

If worrying about what others will assume would make someone reject a person, in favor of someone the “public” finds easier to reconcile w/ their notions (prejudices) of what should be, that someone isn’t in love.

Armchair psychologists are everywhere, and they analyze everything you do. Giving up the one you love because one of those hacks might think you’re looking for a “mother figure” is just plain stupid, and immature.

Who cares if someone thinks your wife is your mother? Comments? Again, who cares?

Tastes. Well, that’s something you work out before marriage. If they are happy doing things together now, they’ll be happy doing them together after they’re married.

Most people bring up the health question. They assume that the older spouse will be unhealthy while the younger spouse is still young and vibrant.

I think, though, that no one gets married because the other is a really snazzy physical specimen. Anyone who is mature enough to be married knows that the guy may go bald by 30. That the woman may be more than pleasingly plump after having babies. And that either may be disabled in the blink of an eye.

“In the end, of course, it’s a decision only you can make, but it will almost certainly take work both before and during the marriage.”

From my 22 yrs of married experience, I say, hogwash. My spouse is almost 20 yrs older than I, and our marriage has been great. It takes no more “work” than any other marriage. Actually, I’m convinced that it takes less.

I can only imagine how much more work I would have to put into dealing with someone far less mature than my spouse.

A 20-yr difference isn’t an insurmountable difference. It isn’t even a difficult thing to deal with. For me and my better half, it’s been a wonderful ride. 🙂
LilyM said:
It’s certainly an unusual situation.

There are a fair few things you need to think through carefully before taking such a step - for example the issue of children. You’re young enough that you may in future change your mind and want them - what would happen then?

Then think about the fact that for the rest of your lives you will have others, not just your family, misunderstanding and thinking that you DO want a mother replacement even if you don’t.

And there will be unintentional comments too - people may well assume without asking that she’s your mother on occasion. Remember all the comments about George Bush snr and Barbara? And she wasn’t older than he, she just looked it!

Then there’s issues of compatibility of tastes - if there’s a ‘generation gap’ in terms of the types of music or pastimes you’re interested in that will grate after a while too.

In the end, of course, it’s a decision only you can make, but it will almost certainly take work both before and during the marriage.
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“This is your big question: Is it morally wrong? I would be a little more worried if you were 50 and she was 30 , but even then, there are some people who link up at those ages.”

Why would you be more worried?
 
Sublime_Prince said:
I am almost 30 and she is 50. I sometimes feel like I am doing something morally wrong by marrying a women that much older, but I can’t help it, its the women I fell in love with.

My parents think its wrong and I need to find a women my own age but I tried dating women my own age and I just seem to get along so much better with older women. All my friends are way older than me, I don’t get along well with many people my own age.

We are both very little people. She suffers from dwarfism and is only 4’ tall and I am about 4’11 and just very short stature. She is deaf and I am losing my hearing and am borderline hearing impaired. I qualify for hearing aids but refuse to use them.

Mom says I am trying to find a new mom. She has been very obstanant and negative about the relationship from the start.

Mom is always asking me if I have been dating other women and is trying to fix me up with some girls she knows at work who are single. I tell her I have been dating my Fiance for over a year and we’re engaged and tell her “doesn’t that imply that we are going steady?” How can she dream about me cheating on Karen I love her with all my heart, I would not want to date another women and never could do that to her. Mom tells me I should play the field while dating her and reminds me that eharmony.com has a great new special going on. I feel like I am talking to a brick wall when I am with my mom.

So am I in Sin by marrying a women close to the same age as my mom? Would churches condem me and not accept me as a Christian?
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I think the only way this could be morally wrong is if you INTENTIONALLY chose an older woman because you didn’t want to have children. Since this seems not to be the case, I think you are fine.

God Bless, Good Luck and Congratulations!
 
Do you share the same Faith? That is important.

I see you said she “suffers from dwarfism”. You do need to go into this marriage knowing the details and future prognosis for her type of dwarfism. With most types of dwarfism, we become more and more physically limited with age, you may become her caretaker - make sure you are ready for that.

Do either of her parents have dwarfism? They will be able to give you an idea of her physical challanges as she ages. If she is first generation, get in touch with others who have her type of dwarfism via www.lpaonline.org.
 
Not morally wrong to marry someone considerably older. I think it’s great that you found someone to love. As long as you are both marrying one another for the right reasons, not morally wrong.

Your mom’s reaction is interesting…that you are ‘looking for another mom.’ When she said that, how does that make you feel? What was your reply?
 
kalt said:
“This is your big question: Is it morally wrong? I would be a little more worried if you were 50 and she was 30 , but even then, there are some people who link up at those ages.”

Why would you be more worried?
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It’s speaking figuratively - a figure of speech; and within its proper context the rest of the sentence reads: "…but even then, there are some people who link up at those ages.

So where would you start to wonder just a little?..When the guy’s around 72 and the girl is 41 or so ?..I believe those were the approximate ages of Rodney Dangerfield and his spouse Joan Child when he married her. Apparently when questioned (by the press I believe) on the age differential issue and she just kept reiterating that it was true love.

The half sentence you quoted was meant in general, and I consider worried and concerned to be synonymous.

I would like Sublime Prince to be happy with Karen; but I haven’t heard too much of what Karen thinks of him…so I’m worried/concerned.

I knew someone (19 yrs old) who was seeing an older woman (37 w/kids) and his mother kept coming to me totally distraught to discuss the matter insisting her son just wouldn’t listen. She was so emotionally wound up I think she may have even been driving her son away from her;…so now there’s this conflict between Sublime Prince and his mom and his girlfriend…that has to hurt …so I’m concerned for him.

Sublime Prince asked : “So am I in sin marrying a woman close to the same age as my mom ?” Are you able to read between the lines here kalt ? The poor guy is being tormented on the inside, …so I’m concerned for him.

Does that make it clearer why I’m concerned ? I sort of hope you’re concerned too.

BTW the post you quoted concluded: "…ultimately it isn’t so much what anyone else thinks that is going to matter…".
 
It worked for us 🙂

[Nepenthe: and how! 😉 ]]

We’re, uh, probably not the best people to consult on moral issues from a Catholic standpoint though… not the worst, but not on the EWTN consultant list either 😉

Still, it’s great, and we’ve been together for ~4 years now, after having been best friends for 3-4 years (we were about the last people to figure out we were in love). It’s not without the occasional rough spot, but then every relationship has those, and all in all we’ve had it pretty easy.

So, go for it!
 
kalt said:
“This is your big question: Is it morally wrong? I would be a little more worried if you were 50 and she was 30 , but even then, there are some people who link up at those ages.”

Why would you be more worried?
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Why would you be worried if it were the other way around Kalt?
Sublime_Prince said:
I am almost 30 and she is 50. I sometimes feel like I am doing something morally wrong by marrying a women that much older, but I can’t help it, its the women I fell in love with.
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If you two feel complete when you’re both together then hold on tight to her Sublime Prince.

You’ll never forgive yourself if you are absolutely sure here and you let go cause of what other people think. Nowhere does the Church teach this as being a sin.

I’ll keep you in my prayers.
 
Des said:
Why would you be worried if it were the other way around Kalt?

If you two feel complete when you’re both together then hold on tight to her Sublime Prince.

You’ll never forgive yourself if you are absolutely sure here and you let go cause of what other people think. Nowhere does the Church teach this as being a sin.

I’ll keep you in my prayers.
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I’m not worried either way. The question was to the person who posted the sentence in quotations.

Why would that person be more worried if the man were the older one?
 
NeedImprovement said:
It’s speaking figuratively - a figure of speech; and within its proper context the rest of the sentence reads: "…but even then, there are some people who link up at those ages.

So where would you start to wonder just a little?..When the guy’s around 72 and the girl is 41 or so ?..I believe those were the approximate ages of Rodney Dangerfield and his spouse Joan Child when he married her. Apparently when questioned (by the press I believe) on the age differential issue and she just kept reiterating that it was true love.

The half sentence you quoted was meant in general, and I consider worried and concerned to be synonymous.

I would like Sublime Prince to be happy with Karen; but I haven’t heard too much of what Karen thinks of him…so I’m worried/concerned.

I knew someone (19 yrs old) who was seeing an older woman (37 w/kids) and his mother kept coming to me totally distraught to discuss the matter insisting her son just wouldn’t listen. She was so emotionally wound up I think she may have even been driving her son away from her;…so now there’s this conflict between Sublime Prince and his mom and his girlfriend…that has to hurt …so I’m concerned for him.

Sublime Prince asked : “So am I in sin marrying a woman close to the same age as my mom ?” Are you able to read between the lines here kalt ? The poor guy is being tormented on the inside, …so I’m concerned for him.

Does that make it clearer why I’m concerned ? I sort of hope you’re concerned too.

BTW the post you quoted concluded: "…ultimately it isn’t so much what anyone else thinks that is going to matter…".
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But you haven’t answered the question. Why would you be more worried if the OP were the older person?
 
I don’t consider it morally wrong to marry someone significantly older/younger than you, as long as you are marrying him/her for the right reasons. And that you are willing to stand before God and promise to stay with this person no matter what. IMHO too many people rush into marriage and spend more time planning the wedding rather than planning their marriage.

The kid thing is a big one - are you sure you don’t want to be a father? Or will she consider adoption? Has she been married before?

I’m 10 years younger than DH, first (and only) marriage for both of us. Occasionally our age difference comes up now, because he’s almost 50 and I think that’s a big deal for men. Plus I want to have more kids and he wants to be done - I’m thinking about my next career and he’s thinking about retirement. But just like everything else, we figure it out together.

If you haven’t done it, I would recommend going to the Engagement Encounter weekend. You’ll basically ask yourself a lot of these questions and then share your answers with your fiance while she does the same. I was struck at our EE weekend how few couples had discussed the big issues - money, sex, kids, in-laws, etc. You might also want to consider meeting with a priest or counselor for additional premarital counseling - just to help with the fact that you are coming in to a marriage that will already have a hurdle built into it. Not to worry - everyone has hurdles in their marriages, but IMHO if you have a built-in one (like stepkids, divorce, illness, money issues, religious or age differences) you should take a few extra steps to work them out.

In our case, we did additional premarital counseling with our priest and my minister (I was Protestant). We both felt that the more help we had, and the more thought we put into it, the better our marriage would be. Nine years later, I’d agree with our thesis!
😃
 
It isn’t morally wrong, Biblically wrong, or wrong in Christian tradition. In fact, age gap marriages were extremely common prior to the 1900s. We even had two presidents of the US who married while in office and they were not run out of town on a rail. 🙂 One was 54 and his wife was in her 20s and another was 49 and his wife was around 21. Look at all the famous age gap romances from “Jane Eyre” to Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall. I am a gal who has always preferred much older men and I say enjoy your preference. You do have some issues to consider and discuss such as children and later years when she will have more health issues than you do. However, don’t let public opinion or the fear of God’s disappointment affect you. God doesn’t care and modern people aren’t worth it. After all, these are often the same people who accept gay marriage and abortion.
 
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