Is it morally wrong to pine over someone who is now married

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Thankful_girl

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I really screwed up my last relationship. I dated a man who was going through a divorce…should not have dated him till the divorce was DONE but I entered the relationship anyway trusting that he would finish his divorce. After dating for almost a year, I just couldn’t get him to move forward with finalizing his divorce. His marriage appeared to be over but he obviously had some grieving he was doing. I got impatient, hurt, and confused so I thought it would be best to leave the relationship till he could complete his divorce. I was a fool. He communicated to me that his marriage was over but it was difficult for me to believe that when his actions did not show that. I let a piece of paper make a life changing decision for me. We were intimate with each other and I loved him dearly. I wanted all of him and not the bits and pieces anymore. I believe that he was the one for me and I believe that he did care for me but I left him in a situation that was not in his power to change at that moment in time and I let the status of his divorce dictate leaving a man that I loved very very much. He was remarkable in so many ways. He was a good man, had a great heart, was a wonderful family man and provider. I let this piece of paper seperate us instead of attacking the sin itself - the physical relationship we had. I wanted to continue seeing him w/o sleeping with him and he was ok with that but I thought to myself…that won’t change anything so I turned up the pressure and took myself out till he could get his life in order. BIG MISTAKE. I have never loved anyone like him and since I left he finished the divorce and moved on remarried. I wish that I would have learned to be more patient. I live with regret everyday because I know that he was everything I wanted in a man and so much MORE. I miss him always. I let something so stupid seperate me from someone I loved and now I cannot undue the damage I have done. I was a fool.
 
I don’t know if I have any authority or wisdom to offer on the morality of pining away for someone who is unavailable, but I can tell you it’s a regretable waste of time. Seems like you’ve already lost plenty of time to this failed relationship. Time to move on.
 
Just try to think of it this way: you learned all the wrong things to do with him, so when you meet the right guy, later on, you’ll know better. 🙂
 
I agree it is a waste of time. He was a wonderful blessing in my life and I took it for granted. I just haven’t been able to fully get over him.
 
God willing, He will place someone even better then you can imagine at your feet.

Do not pine for this man.
 
Thankful_girl said:
I agree it is a waste of time. He was a wonderful blessing in my life and I took it for granted.
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It also sounds like he misled you about his feelings and/or his availability for a relationship. Either way, he was not operating in your best interest, but his own–which is not something optimal in a life partner. I think once you move past the emotion of the situation and eventually on to another relationship, you WILL look back at this and recognize more clearly just what a mistake it could have been.

In the meantime–get busy–and not with your own issues. Jump into some volunteering–focus on someone else with some needs for whom your time and effort can make a real difference. It will help your attitude and emotions to be moving in a positive direction. And who knows…Mr. Right might be the guy volunteering next to you…😉
 
Two points:
  1. There is a difference between “pining” for someone and “grieving” over the loss of that person. It is natural and understandable to grieve over the end of a relationship, particularly if it’s a healthy one with deep roots. Pining is unhealthy; it is akin to wallowing in one’s misery, and it smacks of selfish obsession.
  2. If you are Catholic, you should not have dated this person to begin with. If there are impediments to a marriage – i.e., he is already married – you cannot date him because you cannot marry him. Whether his divorce is final or not doesn’t matter unless he has a decree of nullity from the Church.
Let him go. No man is worth such misery.

Peace,
Dante
 
DanteAlighieri said:
. . .Let him go. No man is worth such misery.
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I agree with Dante - I don’t think it is morally wrong for you to pine over this man, but to keep doing so willingly seems to be a continuation of the same foolishness.

And sorry, a man who dates and sleeps with one woman while married to another, with children, is surely no man to put on such a high pedestal as you have. You say he is everything you want in a man “and so much more”, but to the majority of us (I think) he comes off as, well, a spineless jerk.

Live and learn, and we will pray for you and your future spouse.
 
tassitus said:
I agree with Dante - I don’t think it is morally wrong for you to pine over this man, but to keep doing so willingly seems to be a continuation of the same foolishness.

And sorry, a man who dates and sleeps with one woman while married to another, with children, is surely no man to put on such a high pedestal as you have. You say he is everything you want in a man “and so much more”, but to the majority of us (I think) he comes off as, well, a spineless jerk.

Live and learn, and we will pray for you and your future spouse.
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A spineless jerk who might still be validly married to his first wife, no less. Certainly not dating material at all.

Thankful_Girl,

you need to put this behind you . It is a waste of time to dwell on it. Get some counseling if you need to. This man was not ever available to you and is still not available to you .
 
Thankful_girl said:
I agree it is a waste of time. He was a wonderful blessing in my life and I took it for granted. I just haven’t been able to fully get over him.
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At times. you women seem to fall like mad just for the Mr. Wrong s 😉
 
In the future, stay away from men who are married, separated, divorced, or getting divorced. Unless they have a decree of nullity in hand, they are still considered married in the eyes of God, and by dating them, you are committing the grave sin of adultery. You may feel like leaving him was the biggest mistake that you ever made, but it was probably the best thing you ever did for yourself, and for your soul. Imagine if you had married him–you wouldn’t have been able to get married in the Church, and could have been living in an adulterous relationship for the rest of your life, separating yourself from God and the Sacraments. Is it really worth risking eternal damnation for one man who has already left his first wife, compromised your chastity, and exposed his children to the pain of divorce and prompt remarriage? Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you were probably just a rebound girlfriend, and his new “wife” is probably a rebound wife. You would be much better off with a good, holy man, who has no impediments to marriage, and can give all of himself to you. Pray for God to show you what His will is for you, and really listen. I can assure you it doesn’t include premarital sex, that is a choice you make using your free will. I will pray for you as well. God bless.
 
I’m not sure if you are a Catholic, but on this forum it is fair to assume people are looking for Catholic advice (Answers) and the correct answer is that dating a married man/woman is a sin. Furthmore, having sex with a married man/woman is more sinful.

We of course don’t know this man, but from those 2 bits of information about him are very detramental to his character. A married person should never ever get into a relationship - it’s awful.

Since you didn’t mention any sort of annullment, I appears that his remarriage would not be viewed as valid by the church…so that’s a problem you could have been dealing with instead of this third woman…no from a Catholic perspective - this “relationship” is just screaming RUN AWAY!

That advice about volunteering is great. I’d go a step further to suggest Catholics should volunteer with Catholic groups if they are also looking for someone to date. If just go build houses with Habitat, you may find men who are nice but disagree on Big issues yet want to date them. Going to a Catholic organization and volunteering would reduce (through not eliminate) this risk.
 
Hugs GracedUpon said:
“In the future, stay away from men who are married, separated, divorced, or getting divorced. Unless they have a decree of nullity in hand, they are still considered married in the eyes of God, and by dating them, you are committing the grave sin of adultery.”

I couldn’t have phrased it better, but I have two cents of sympathy to add.

No, it is not morally wrong to pine over someone married. Yes, it **IS **morally wrong to do anything more than pine 😉

I had a nine month affair with a married man that I recently ended. He claimed that he and his wife were no longer in love and that after he sold his house, he would give her half the money and get a divorce. I was very hesitant to get involved with him since I knew he was married, but kept making excuses for myself and disregarding God’s teachings. It was also during a time in my life when I was not exactly living a good, pure life. I thought I was a “good person” because I was kind and respectful to others, but I was lacking in the moral department.

Ending the relationship was incredibly difficult, as he treated me better than any man ever had before. He was the perfect man in many ways, but marriage is a glitch that I eventually just couldn’t ignore.

Both of us deserve to find men who have never been married and who will respect our Catholic faith. Neither of us should settle for less than that. 🙂
 
I thank all of you for your thoughts, opinions, and ideas. I take each of them to heart. I understand how some see my relationship as a “sin” and I am not saying that I disagree but once I was already “in” the sin. I could have gone to the parish priest and asked for forgiveness and stopped sleeping with him then my soul would have been back in right standing with God. The sin was sex outside of marriage. I agree that he was not “available” He was absent much of the time that we were together. He was trying to find himself again. Yes, it was wrong for me to have gotten involved with a man who was still uncertain about his life. It doesn’t change how I felt about him and it doesn’t change God’s love for him. God has blessed him and he is completely happy. He reads the bible everyday with his new wife, goes to church, and is a youth leader. He is a very, very, good man. He was married for 20 years to the same woman. Never cheated on her and worked very hard to reconcile his marriage after SHE cheated. The marriage was OVER but he was grieving the marriage. 20 years of marriage never goes away over night but he had spent 2 years seperated from her so I figured he had taken some time to heal. I believe he missed his wife and everything that she symbolized. The home, the stability, the understanding each other while someone new is more difficult. It means change…and he didn’t want to change. He was afraid to jump in fully and take a risk. It was quite sad. He married a family woman. A woman who had 2 children and did not have time for all the activities that I did. She had children keeping her occupied and I was always out with friends or doing other activities which I think made him feel uncomfortable. I think he feared that I would cheat on him but that is neither here nor there. I just miss him and wish that it would have worked for us.
😦
 
Please move on with your life, it’s painful to read this. There are other good men out there; obviously this one was not meant to be. I would also suggest that you seek counseling.
 
Thankful_girl,

I have been in a somewhat similar situation, but pining over a girl – for over 4 years…

She was not married, however, so the thought of someday being together again drove me to do many things – some would say extreme – in the hopes that God would hear my prayers and see my deeds, and finally relent.

When I met someone else – when God introduced me to someone else – I was actually disappointed, and felt like I was being given salad, after praying for steak for years…

But now, I can see that I have been given someone extremely special, and it’s a wonder that she remained single all this time (we are both pushing 40).

If I may say so, I will say to you that you should be happy – very happy. Why? Because you have hope !! Others have already received their gifts, but yours has yet to arrive !!

As it says in the Bible:

**Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him? **

God’s answers to our prayers are not “Yes”, “No” and “Wait”.

His answers to our prayers are “Yes”, “Wait”, and “I have something so much better for you”…

So in the end, you should be happy, because as much as you thought this man was perfect, God will leave you dumbstruck, amazed, speechless and dazed with another man – the man He intended for you !!

Hope is a beautiful thing !!

Cheers !!
 
TG, sounds to me like the relationship that you thought was ideal was in fact very much one sided. IF mister perfect were truly in love with you then he certainly would not have fallen for another woman after his marriage did finally end.

Be careful not to mistaken deep infatuation with true love. Infatuation lasts for a while and can be very one sided. True love lasts forever and it is always mutual.

For us Catholics marriage should be permanent. I can see very few excuses for a divorce, infidelity and abuse may be legitimate, but just about anything else is not. You may have loved him, but he really didn’t love you. Otherwise he would have waited. You are much better off without him. Move on and find someone who loves you for real.

You are really much better off without him. God has someone much better for you. Later on, you will be happy that you are not stuck with this cheating wife swapper when the real mister right shows up.
 
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