Is it normal to not have sex when married?

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mkipp

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Here is the story, my wife and I are both 30, and she is almost four months pregnant. We have been married 3 1/2 years and together just over ten years. Since we have been married we have had relations about ten times a year. And about 8 times this year. I realize that she is pregnant, but not sure how to approach this. It seems that when ever I mention the subject it turns into an argument. We have not had any relations since she has been pregnant. Since joing RCIA this fall I have refused to masturbate and or view any pornography and do not want to fall back into that ugly pattern. I know this is personal but could use any suggestions or advice. I just want us to have a great marriage and Catholic life. But, I feel that marital relations should be a part of it.
 
What are your expectations of how frequent sex should be? It is only the permisiveness of modern society that expects married couples to have sex all the time. While technically I guess a woman could have sex everyday, she is not designed hormonally or emotionally to have sex that frequnetly.

I know plenty of couples who have infrequent sex. I know one couple that has it only twice a year, another twice a month & and several couples who haven’t had it in over a year.
 
Sexual relations are a very important part of marriage. They belong in it and they are each spouse’s right. But you can’t really “enforce”. Means you have “seducing” to do. 😉 If she’s not receptive, counselling would be in order.
 
I may be crazy but I was hoping for once a week as it was just a few years ago. I love her with all my heart but she seems to have no interest at all. It really makes me feel bad about myself as she does not want to be with me,
 
turtle18 said:
What are your expectations of how frequent sex should be? It is only the permisiveness of modern society that expects married couples to have sex all the time. While technically I guess a woman could have sex everyday, she is not designed hormonally or emotionally to have sex that frequnetly.

I know plenty of couples who have infrequent sex. I know one couple that has it only twice a year, another twice a month & and several couples who haven’t had it in over a year.
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While it’s true that a woman’s sex drive may be higher at some points in her cycle than at others, the idea that she wasn’t ‘designed to have sex daily’ is baloney. Just like men, women’s libido varies. Some would like sex daily or even more often, some would be happy never having sex at all and there is a great variety in between.

If sex always turns into an argument maybe counseling is in order.
 
The Church regards sex so importantly in marriage that this sacrament begins in the wedding vows and is completed in the nuptial night.

It may truly be a source of arguments when one’s libido is not matched by one’s spouse. However, there’s really no easy solution to this. It’ll require a lot of loving patience from you not only when talking to your wife about it but most importantly at other times.

I’m sure that you’ll conquer her heart and that she’ll give herself to you in a loving embrace more often, but it may be only after a while. Meanwhile, it’s good that you’re exercising self-control to live chastely, for you sake, your spouse’s sake and your marriage’s sake.

BTW, women’s libido usually goes downhill during pregnancy and a few months after delivery. That’s natural and has barely anything to do with your history.

:blessyou:
 
mkipp said:
I may be crazy but I was hoping for once a week as it was just a few years ago. I love her with all my heart but she seems to have no interest at all. It really makes me feel bad about myself as she does not want to be with me,
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First off, I highly doubt it is because she doesn’t want to be with YOU. As soon as you stop taking it personally it will hurt a lot less! Women’s hormones are complicated. Being pregnant, she may just have no interest. But that doesn’t mean she should reject you. I agree that counselling may be in order.

Think of how you would want to be treated if you suddenly became impotent. What if your wife was convinced that it was because you didn’t want HER? How would you feel each time she approached you for sex and you couldn’t? It would most likely become a source of arguments too.

Be a little sensitive to what she may be going through too.

Also, your thread title is misleading… having sex on average of once a month is by no means a sexless marriage. There have been posters here who have true sexless marriages (not by choice) and it is unfair to compare your situation to theirs… I understand that you are in pain and feeling frustrated though.

But how does your wife feel…really? If you don’t know, go find out:thumbsup:**
 
turtle18 said:
While technically I guess a woman could have sex everyday, she is not designed hormonally or emotionally to have sex that frequnetly.
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That’s very generalized. There are women who have high libidos and women with low ones. Same for men. It just really depends on the person.
 
turtle18 said:
I know plenty of couples who have infrequent sex. I know one couple that has it only twice a year, another twice a month & and several couples who haven’t had it in over a year.
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As long as BOTH spouses are on board with these arrangements, then they are fine. If one spouse is calling the shots and the other has little or no say, as in the marriage described by the OP, then there’s a problem and the situation becomes quite different from what you have listed as examples.
 
The two things that stand out to me are that intimacy used to be more frequent, and the spouse gets angry and refuses to talk about it when the subject is brought up.

Something changed, and the spouse won’t talk about it. This is not good communication and obviously brings resentment.

The wife being pregnant could explain the current lack of desire-- we don’t know, maybe she has a lot of nausea or back pain or whatever-- but if this pattern was developing prior to pregnancy and she refused to discuss it… something is wrong.

I think the root of it is that the wife refuses to discuss it. It’s like she’s holding marital intimacy hostage from her spouse. That is wrong.

It’s not wrong to desire your wife, and while the couple has to discern *together *what frequency will suit them both (which might well be somewhere in between where he wants it and she wants it), I disagree with those who are basically saying the man has to suck it up b/c the poor little woman isn’t in the mood and she’s just made that way. It’s a choice to love your spouse and do things for them even when you don’t feel like it. Whether that’s cook, clean, or be intimate. The OP does not sound like he is making *unreasonable *demands. The woman needs to suck it up too and show affection to her husband in a physical way. That is part of marriage.

To the OP: I suggest that you tackle this issue with your wife AFTER the baby is born. Wait until after her six or eight week check up, and when she is not zombie tired… and then have a sit down. If she starts to show signs of stonewalling-- getting angry, putting it on you, walking away, being silent, etc… then I think it’s time to get a counselor involved. The communication issue is the central issue here. She is not being reasonable or mature.
 
Could she be like me? I was nauseated and had ligament pain the whole time I was pregnant. The only time my husband touched me during the first pregnancy was when he wanted marital relations.
I would have appreciated a shoulder rub, back rub, or a foot massage.

Did she want to be pregnant?

When some women get pregnant, they get a little cranky because of hormones.

Talk to her calmly and tell her how you feel.
 
I agree that shes probally exhausted. I don’t think you understand how busy her body is right now. Even when resting the body is growing a baby and it can make you so so tired. Also alot of times, not always sex depends also on how a women feels about herself. Maybe she does not feel real beautiful right now. Sure she may to you, but not to herself. Just love her and give this time to her. You will not regret it. And your gift will come very soon. When you see that beautiful baby it will be worth it!😃
 
mkipp said:
Here is the story, my wife and I are both 30, and she is almost four months pregnant. We have been married 3 1/2 years and together just over ten years. Since we have been married we have had relations about ten times a year. And about 8 times this year. I realize that she is pregnant, but not sure how to approach this. It seems that when ever I mention the subject it turns into an argument. We have not had any relations since she has been pregnant. Since joing RCIA this fall I have refused to masturbate and or view any pornography and do not want to fall back into that ugly pattern. I know this is personal but could use any suggestions or advice. I just want us to have a great marriage and Catholic life. But, I feel that marital relations should be a part of it.
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If it’s something you two agree on, then, it’s not abnormal, at all. But, assuming that you want this, it sounds more like a marital problem. Religion, when you’re married, shouldn’t interfere with your sex life with your wife.

Besides even when a woman is pregnant, it is actually pretty healthy for the baby to have sexual relations with her.

I’ll be very honest with you, however: I’ve never heard of a couple who has sexual encounters only around 10 times a year. No wonder you two argue. No sex. As much as I hate to admit this, sex is actually a major feature in a marriage, but I’m sure you knew that.

For you, as a married man, to fall into masturbation or pornography… that’s kind of a sad. (No offence.) You two need to spice it up, but that’s just my opinion. Good luck.

Congratulations on your wife being pregnant, by the way. You must be very excited!

Ironically Yours, Blade and Blood
 
I appreciate all the advice. Yes, we did want to get pregnant and have a baby. We are both lucky and happy that the pregnancy has gone well so far. I have tried and will to comfort and assist her along the way. We are a happy couple besides the this one issue, and it seems to not bother her. I just don’t know how to approach the subject as she is pregnant and do not want to force the issue.
 
mkipp said:
Here is the story, my wife and I are both 30, and she is almost four months pregnant. We have been married 3 1/2 years and together just over ten years. Since we have been married we have had relations about ten times a year. And about 8 times this year. I realize that she is pregnant, but not sure how to approach this. It seems that when ever I mention the subject it turns into an argument. We have not had any relations since she has been pregnant. Since joing RCIA this fall I have refused to masturbate and or view any pornography and do not want to fall back into that ugly pattern. I know this is personal but could use any suggestions or advice. I just want us to have a great marriage and Catholic life. But, I feel that marital relations should be a part of it.
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Our relationship went from frequent in the first years (almost daily) to almost like yours after 15 years of marriage… maybe twice a month.

The poster who said there are other factors at work, and it sounds like you need to work on them such as communication is right. In our case it was really the kids pitting us against each other, as well a career and business demands. (If not the kids the employees!)

A few suggestions:
1. If you don’t do your share of the household chores, start.
2. Go to bed and get up together! (Simple I know but it was a problem for us.)
3. Give her a back-rub, foot-rub, make her tea, or whatever she likes unexpectedly.
4. If you have left yourself go physically, get back in shape or lose some weight.
5. Every time you leave the house let her know how much you love her! Take time when you walk by to let her know, give her a hug, a kiss or a tender caress.
6. When you do make love, make it last and make sure she is satisfied…take your time.
7. Plan a romantic get away, for a weekend or vacation.
8. Take time daily to talk. We have coffee & breakfast every morning - I cook.
9. Do the stuff you used to do that seems silly now. (We just got back from Rome and saw in the guidebook that there were 13 obelisks there, we decided to kiss at each one; we only got to 11, but it drove our 21 old daughter crazy to see Dad & Mom kissing in public!)
10.If you cant see the forest for the trees yourself, get some consoling or try a program that is designed to increase marital communication such as Marriage Encounter or Retroville.

My/Our original goal was not to have more sex when we started making changes, but to have a better marriage and not to go down a road of spitting up. The increased frequency happened on its own. About 4 years ago I read an article about sexual frequency and martial happiness. We had gone from the low end to the middle over the 4 years preceding that. They commented that those couples that were nearly daily had reported off the charts levels of levels of marital happiness. At that point seeing the overall improvements I decided to step it up further and it worked.

Good luck! We are closer now then we have ever been in 24 years of marriage and more aligned in our business and family life also.
 
1ke said:
The two things that stand out to me are that intimacy used to be more frequent, and the spouse gets angry and refuses to talk about it when the subject is brought up.

Something changed, and the spouse won’t talk about it. This is not good communication and obviously brings resentment.

The wife being pregnant could explain the current lack of desire-- we don’t know, maybe she has a lot of nausea or back pain or whatever-- but if this pattern was developing prior to pregnancy and she refused to discuss it… something is wrong.

I think the root of it is that the wife refuses to discuss it. It’s like she’s holding marital intimacy hostage from her spouse. That is wrong.

It’s not wrong to desire your wife, and while the couple has to discern *together *what frequency will suit them both (which might well be somewhere in between where he wants it and she wants it), I disagree with those who are basically saying the man has to suck it up b/c the poor little woman isn’t in the mood and she’s just made that way. It’s a choice to love your spouse and do things for them even when you don’t feel like it. Whether that’s cook, clean, or be intimate. The OP does not sound like he is making *unreasonable *demands. The woman needs to suck it up too and show affection to her husband in a physical way. That is part of marriage.

To the OP: I suggest that you tackle this issue with your wife AFTER the baby is born. Wait until after her six or eight week check up, and when she is not zombie tired… and then have a sit down. If she starts to show signs of stonewalling-- getting angry, putting it on you, walking away, being silent, etc… then I think it’s time to get a counselor involved. The communication issue is the central issue here. She is not being reasonable or mature.
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Agreed. Except I would deal with this issue now and not later. Doesn’t mean you have to start having relations right now - maybe her pregnancy is a special situation that makes it more sensible to wait. But if there is another thing going on, better to find out now and not later. If she had a change in herself prior to pregnancy, better to talk about it now while it’s still fresh in her mind. Just start by telling her that you want to talk about it to open up the lines of communication, but don’t have to act on anything right away - so she doesn’t feel like she’s being pushed into something she’s not comfortable with right away. Maybe if she knows that your not looking for something “tomight” she’ll be more willing to open up.
 
Augustine said:
BTW, women’s libido usually goes downhill during pregnancy and a few months after delivery. That’s natural and has barely anything to do with your history.
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True, this was a BIG deal to me. I felt horrible about my body. Not the belly but just that I had let myself get out of shape from being so tired all the time. It is only natural but I did not like it as I am usually on top of my figure. It is just hard to deal with since I’m never overweight and now I was starting to get some pudge. I did not feel sexy. Could this be the problem maybe?
GFarmer said:
A few suggestions:
1. If you don’t do your share of the household chores, start.
2. Go to bed and get up together! (Simple I know but it was a problem for us.)
3. Give her a back-rub, foot-rub, make her tea, or whatever she likes unexpectedly.
4. If you have left yourself go physically, get back in shape or lose some weight.
5. Every time you leave the house let her know how much you love her! Take time when you walk by to let her know, give her a hug, a kiss or a tender caress.
6. When you do make love, make it last and make sure she is satisfied…take your time.
7. Plan a romantic get away, for a weekend or vacation.
8. Take time daily to talk. We have coffee & breakfast every morning - I cook.
9. Do the stuff you used to do that seems silly now. (We just got back from Rome and saw in the guidebook that there were 13 obelisks there, we decided to kiss at each one; we only got to 11, but it drove our 21 old daughter crazy to see Dad & Mom kissing in public!)
10.If you cant see the forest for the trees yourself, get some consoling or try a program that is designed to increase marital communication such as Marriage Encounter or Retroville.
Click to expand...
These are very good suggestions, especially the first one. I am the kind of person that is always worried about the house work. And after having children, it just becomes that much more of a problem that never goes away. Finding time to take care of the kids leaves me no time to clean or tidy up and it really bugs me since I’m so visual. Me and DH had this discussion about if he wanted more sex he could take the time to find out HOW to help me get in the mood. And having a house full of unfolded laundry and dishes to clean was not a good way to help me relax…it just makes me think of all those things that aren’t getting done. So he started helping me more and then there was less for me to worry about.

We are in the same situation as in DH would like it more frequently and I less. I could personally do without at all. So it is totally a self giving mentality for me. I just don’t crave it like he does. But once he undedrstands me and how I feel and helps me get in the mood, I can go from there and then I actually WANT to participate.

But I agree with other posters saying that you need to open up the communication. If you don’t know the problem, you can’t possibly fix it. Pray on it and pray for her and God will help you find the right way to discuss it with her. God bless.
 
rinnie said:
I agree that shes probally exhausted. I don’t think you understand how busy her body is right now. Even when resting the body is growing a baby and it can make you so so tired. Also alot of times, not always sex depends also on how a women feels about herself. Maybe she does not feel real beautiful right now. Sure she may to you, but not to herself. Just love her and give this time to her. You will not regret it. And your gift will come very soon. When you see that beautiful baby it will be worth it!😃
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Beware - man speaking here, but…

Yes, a pregnant woman’s body goes through more things than men ever will understand, or would probably want to understand. But, the OP stated they have been maried for 3.5 years, and only having relations 10 times per year. So, unless she’s been pregnant for 3 years, this is a “problem” since their wedding.

Everyone has an opinion on how often couples should, or should not “renew their vows”. It’s none of our place to criticize him for feeling neglected, nor to make him feel bad because of how lucky he is in having more than yearly relations. The fact is, he and she are on different pages in one of the most important aspects of marriage communication.

My advice to the OP is to pursue two things at the same time.

First, find ways to make her physically comfortable (without sex).Hopefully, she will recognize what you are doing for her is out of love, not out of a desire for more sex. Whether physical, emotional, or something else, you’ll feel more satisfied giving to your wife in this way, if the sexual generosity is on hold for a while.

Second, try to get to the root of why you are unsatisfied with your sex-frequency. Does it make you feel unloved? Do you fear you will return to sin with yourself/porn? Do you miss seeing her face in the bliss of climax? I do not know the course of your conversations that lead to arguments - but you need to get to the root of what you are feeling first. Then, you can talk to her about what you are feeling - not about what “she should be feeling”. You are both in this together - and will work it out. But, the answer is never as easy as the spouse just deciding to “do it more”.
 
In a way this really is not necessarily about sex. I think that it is an important part in marriage and maybe I am wrong to think that. I am going to really try and make a better effort to do more around the house and make life easier for her. It also make me feel poorly about myself that she does not want to, and never intiates the act when it happens. It seems that maybe I am being selfish.
 
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