Is it normal to not have sex when married?

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I’m going to make a generalization about men in general. I lived a promiscuous life for years, and had lots of boyfriends.

One and all, they worked hard at seducing me. But once I was seduced, they all seemed to think the work was over, and all they had to do after that was get me horizontal.

Our need for foreplay does not die away once we’ve “done it” with you!

MKipp, I’m not accusing you of this. But I am suggesting that you ask her, non-confrontationally, what *you *can do to help her be more interested.

God bless you both,

Ruthie
 
mkipp said:
I am going to really try and make a better effort to do more around the house and make life easier for her. It also make me feel poorly about myself that she does not want to, and never intiates the act when it happens. It seems that maybe I am being selfish.
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Given what I said in the last post, my wife almost never initiates the act either.

We are all selfish at times, we can all work on that. Good sex is not selfish in that you are giving of yourself to your wife. You are deepening your relationship, it is hopefully mutually pleasurable and sacred between the spouses. The fact that she does not initiate often has more to do with biology then love or desire.

As far as sex during pregnancy goes, well I thought it was great, I thought my wife was more beautiful then ever when she was pregnant! They on the other hand need to be convinced of that!
 
mkipp said:
In a way this really is not necessarily about sex. I think that it is an important part in marriage and maybe I am wrong to think that. I am going to really try and make a better effort to do more around the house and make life easier for her. It also make me feel poorly about myself that she does not want to, and never intiates the act when it happens. It seems that maybe I am being selfish.
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You are not wrong to think it is an important part of marriage. You are not being selfish. I think the fact that you are willing to really try to help her around the house and make life better for her despite the fact that you aren’t having sex… wow… you are a good guy. 👍

Unless there is some sort of medical condition or special circumstance in life that prevents husbands & wives from having relations, it is selfish on the part of the uninterested spouse to continually say no. It certainly does not make for a good marriage.

Before I got married my Mom, very old school, told me to keep my husband happy I should do two things: Learn to cook nice meals, and when he asks in the bedroom, say yes. She said if my husband is happy, he will pretty much let me run the roost. I’m wondering what the men would have to say about that advice? I think for the most part, it’s true.
 
yellowbird said:
Before I got married my Mom, very old school, told me to keep my husband happy I should do two things: Learn to cook nice meals, and when he asks in the bedroom, say yes. She said if my husband is happy, he will pretty much let me run the roost. I’m wondering what the men would have to say about that advice? I think for the most part, it’s true.
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Well my wife missed the part about cooking good meals! She must of been paying attention on the bedroom part though

I don’t mind cooking and she likes farming so we might be an odd couple but I think we were meant for each other.
 
Not to your extent, but I also have struggled with being a guy who has a higher libido than my wife. Assuming the basic relationship is sound, here are two things that made a BIG difference for me.
  1. Doing things for her that SHE likes (not things I’d like her to do for me) out of the blue without being asked.
  2. Glycerin - FREE Astroglide. Made things a LOT more comfortable and enjoyable for her. She appears to have some sensitivity to the regular stuff in stores. The more she likes it…
Good luck!
 
A few suggestions:
1. If you don’t do your share of the household chores, start.
2. Go to bed and get up together! (Simple I know but it was a problem for us.)
3. Give her a back-rub, foot-rub, make her tea, or whatever she likes unexpectedly.
4. If you have left yourself go physically, get back in shape or lose some weight.
5. Every time you leave the house let her know how much you love her! Take time when you walk by to let her know, give her a hug, a kiss or a tender caress.
6. When you do make love, make it last and make sure she is satisfied…take your time.
7. Plan a romantic get away, for a weekend or vacation.
8. Take time daily to talk. We have coffee & breakfast every morning - I cook.
9. Do the stuff you used to do that seems silly now. (We just got back from Rome and saw in the guidebook that there were 13 obelisks there, we decided to kiss at each one; we only got to 11, but it drove our 21 old daughter crazy to see Dad & Mom kissing in public!)
10.If you cant see the forest for the trees yourself, get some consoling or try a program that is designed to increase marital communication such as Marriage Encounter or Retroville.

Well, heck, I have been trying all of this for the past 25 years! And none of it works. After about our first 3 years of marriage there was no sex life at all. I ws so frustrated that I would drive to work in the morning crying and screaming at the top of my voice just to try to get rid of the frustration. I could beg for weeks and sometimes months and my wife would sy that she is just not interested and to leave her alone. I tried to explain my utter frustration but to no avail. She would say she really loved me but made no attempt to be intimate. She would even laugh at times and tell me that this is the way all marriages were. This just served to infuriate me all the more. She refused any suggestions at counseling or outside help of any type. She refused to talk to her doctor about the problem. It seemed it was all my problem and it was always u to me to cope with it. Eventually it drove me to to a prostitute so that I could feel another human being touching me. Over the past 25 years I have done this several times when the isolation feeling became so unbearable I thought of killing myself. I guess I chose the lesser of two evils. I am so ashamed of my self but at least I could feel what touching another human being felt like. And after all of this, I still love my wife with all my heart and soul. I, in the almost 30 years of marriage, have never refused my wife anything. I do all of the above quoted suggestions to no avail. Am I so evil?
 
Augustine said:
The Church regards sex so importantly in marriage that this sacrament begins in the wedding vows and is completed in the nuptial night.

It may truly be a source of arguments when one’s libido is not matched by one’s spouse. However, there’s really no easy solution to this. It’ll require a lot of loving patience from you not only when talking to your wife about it but most importantly at other times.

I’m sure that you’ll conquer her heart and that she’ll give herself to you in a loving embrace more often, but it may be only after a while. Meanwhile, it’s good that you’re exercising self-control to live chastely, for you sake, your spouse’s sake and your marriage’s sake.

BTW, women’s libido usually goes downhill during pregnancy and a few months after delivery. That’s natural and has barely anything to do with your history.

:blessyou:
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mine soared:blush: …I think it’s an individual thing from woman to woman. But, mentally, I didn’t feel sexy, but my husband thought so…and physically, pregnancy put us both in the mood. :o
 
Augustine said:
The Church regards sex so importantly in marriage that this sacrament begins in the wedding vows and is completed in the nuptial night.
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I understand the first part about it being in the vows, but are you saying that the newlyweds are required to have sex the night of their wedding?
 
happymommy said:
I would think that they would want to…:confused:
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I would think they would want to as well, but Augustine made it sound like it was required. Perhaps I was just reading into it too much.

And what if the woman is on her period the wedding night? You can have sex while the women is on her period, but many men, myself included, don’t find that idea very fun.
 
SMHW said:
I’m sure they would want to. But some couples might have a good reason to delay pregnancy and if the woman is fertile on the day of the wedding then what?
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I guess you pray and decide if your reason is a valid reason or not. I’m sure that has happened to some and they chose to wait.

But back to the OP’s question, no, it’s not normal to not have sex when married.
 
hamburglar said:
I understand the first part about it being in the vows, but are you saying that the newlyweds are required to have sex the night of their wedding?
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Skipping the other replies, no, they are not required. Yet, the sacrament is only complete and indissoluble when they have consummate it (see CCC §1640 and §2382).

:blessyou:
 
Well, then, can I assume that when there is no longer sex in marriage that the marriage no longer exists in the eyes of the Church???
 
mkipp said:
Here is the story, my wife and I are both 30, and she is almost four months pregnant. We have been married 3 1/2 years and together just over ten years. Since we have been married we have had relations about ten times a year. And about 8 times this year. I realize that she is pregnant, but not sure how to approach this. It seems that when ever I mention the subject it turns into an argument. We have not had any relations since she has been pregnant. Since joing RCIA this fall I have refused to masturbate and or view any pornography and do not want to fall back into that ugly pattern. I know this is personal but could use any suggestions or advice. I just want us to have a great marriage and Catholic life. But, I feel that marital relations should be a part of it.
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She just finished the first trimester, she is probably still feeling a little sick. For many women they get their libido back (and then some!) by the end of the second trimester.

However not all women do. I know some friends who’s wives just had no interest at all. 😦

Take a step back though for a moment. While I would hate to be in your situation there are probably a number of factors at work.

Is this your first child? Concern of hurting the baby and just the stress of a first pregnancy could be part of it.

At the same time I believe when a women is pregnant her body gives her clues as to what is ok and what is not. While unfounded fear in regards to intercourse is definitely out there due to lack of information. I know women who felt like they were craving laundry detergent for dinner (probably due to low magnesium levels).

So what I’m saying is that it might be there your wife’s body is actually telling her that for the sake of the baby… you shouldn’t.

You guys are in my prayers!
Joe
 
I just have to say I came in here looking to see if it was normal for two Catholics to have a sexless marriage and came across this post. What if the WOMAN is the one who wants it more than the man? Let’s say the couple before children had sex maybe 4 times a month since they’ve been married for 2 years. They’re now married for 3 years with a child and sex happens maybe once or twice a month or only in an attempt to achieve the next child. Now she’s 9 weeks pregnant and husband has not initiated sex (wife gave up initiating and leaves husband to initiate and decide when it will happen; she has never refused him but has been refused by him) since they conceived two months ago. Is there something wrong here?

Now granted, both husband and wife did have premarital relations in the past with others before they got married that of course have been forgiven in confession, but the wife’s expectation had been that the sex in marriage would be just as it was when she was in just a relationship. Yes, you have to admit that being unmarried in just a relationship, you don’t have all the marital responsibilities and sex was probably just used for recreation then but it seems there are married people out there who still are able to have that in their marriage, am I right? I understand the married couple now has to work at the marriage and make the effort to make their relationship feel like it had in courtship. So now the woman will never really know if she just married a man who just doesn’t have much interest in sex and doesn’t make it a priority OR if marriage just simply ends up putting sex on the back burner as a general assumption. During their courtship, the woman’s then-boyfriend-now-husband had to work hard to keep temptation at bay before marriage so what is it about marriage that just changes the dynamic of it? Is this something that is just being taken for granted?

The woman feels that sex is a very important part of a marriage especially since during her single years, she had committed to secondary virginity (choosing to be abstinent until marriage despite past sins), only to find she married a man who doesn’t really provide in that sense or make the effort to put it as a priority like his wife is. Instead of the woman arguing with him (and maybe professional help is needed) about it over and over, she can’t help but second-guess the marriage and that all it seems is that they’re roommates living under the same roof, sleeping on the same bed if that (they co-sleep so sometimes the sleeping baby’s position has either of them sleeping on the bed or on the floor), and raising children together. What do you do in that situation, if the husband doesn’t appear to want sex as much as the “average normal guy” (it seems everything we read these days indicate that the man wants sex more than the woman) or as much as his wife would want? What is the normal frequency for sex in marriage then if others say that 10 times a year isn’t really normal?
 
kakolikapiha said:
I just have to say I came in here looking to see if it was normal for two Catholics to have a sexless marriage and came across this post. What if the WOMAN is the one who wants it more than the man? Let’s say the couple before children had sex maybe 4 times a month since they’ve been married for 2 years. They’re now married for 3 years with a child and sex happens maybe once or twice a month or only in an attempt to achieve the next child. Now she’s 9 weeks pregnant and husband has not initiated sex (wife gave up initiating and leaves husband to initiate and decide when it will happen; she has never refused him but has been refused by him) since they conceived two months ago. Is there something wrong here?

Now granted, both husband and wife did have premarital relations in the past with others before they got married that of course have been forgiven in confession, but the wife’s expectation had been that the sex in marriage would be just as it was when she was in just a relationship. Yes, you have to admit that being unmarried in just a relationship, you don’t have all the marital responsibilities and sex was probably just used for recreation then but it seems there are married people out there who still are able to have that in their marriage, am I right? I understand the married couple now has to work at the marriage and make the effort to make their relationship feel like it had in courtship. So now the woman will never really know if she just married a man who just doesn’t have much interest in sex and doesn’t make it a priority OR if marriage just simply ends up putting sex on the back burner as a general assumption. During their courtship, the woman’s then-boyfriend-now-husband had to work hard to keep temptation at bay before marriage so what is it about marriage that just changes the dynamic of it? Is this something that is just being taken for granted?

The woman feels that sex is a very important part of a marriage especially since during her single years, she had committed to secondary virginity (choosing to be abstinent until marriage despite past sins), only to find she married a man who doesn’t really provide in that sense or make the effort to put it as a priority like his wife is. Instead of the woman arguing with him (and maybe professional help is needed) about it over and over, she can’t help but second-guess the marriage and that all it seems is that they’re roommates living under the same roof, sleeping on the same bed if that (they co-sleep so sometimes the sleeping baby’s position has either of them sleeping on the bed or on the floor), and raising children together. What do you do in that situation, if the husband doesn’t appear to want sex as much as the “average normal guy” (it seems everything we read these days indicate that the man wants sex more than the woman) or as much as his wife would want? What is the normal frequency for sex in marriage then if others say that 10 times a year isn’t really normal?
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I would tell such a wife that sometimes, marriages go through seasons. If it is constantly…the husband rejecting her, then I do believe counseling is needed. Something is not ‘right’ if a man NEVER wants to sleep with his wife, and she never with him. (unless there is a medical reason and while it could be difficult, then understanding and compassion should take over) I would also encourage the woman to not spend her time reading articles that talk about men wanting it more than women, because everyone is different. Sex drives are all different.

I would also suggest (and I learned this from reading a few threads on here) that when a couple has premarital sex, OFTEN, BUT NOT ALWAYS, a man doesn’t associate sex within a marriage. He has a hard time viewing his wife in a sexual way…why? Because sexuality was taken out of context and misused, and therefore he has a hard time looking at his wife for sex. This happens often I have seen and read. I think that counseling either way would be good. Because here is the thing–God wants a couple to enjoy…ENJOY…the gift of sexuality within marriage. For one person to constantly feel sad and rejected…is not healthy. It’s not what God wants. While, we shouldn’t place sex as the number one thing in a marriage, because it isn’t…it’s a gift from God, that He does want you to share together.

I would encourage the couple to seek counseling. But, also for the wife to not become depressed. (while it can be easy to do) Also, I’d encourage the wife to think about…suppose her husband could not have sex or she couldn’t? Is the marriage meaningful to her without it? Because, not everyone has the ability to have sex…so what might we say to that couple? Tell the one who has the ability, to leave? No, we would suggest compassion. In a way, the husband, unless being unfaithful to his wife, needs compassion as to why he is not interested in having sex. I think that the worst thing a couple can do, is stop talking about it…only through communication…will there be a positive end in sight, in my humble opinion.

Hope that helps.
 
pictureman96 said:
Well, then, can I assume that when there is no longer sex in marriage that the marriage no longer exists in the eyes of the Church???
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No, the marriage is indissoluble once the it’s firstly consummated. Further sexual relations are not considering consummating the marriage, but part of living it.

:blessyou:
 
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