Is it ok for a priest to ask a separated woman of the same age (mid 30's) to go out to dinner or to a movie?

[agnes_therese]

There are times, even in a friendship between the same or opposite sexes,that one friend may become too intrusive. The party in question is sending too many texts,and extending too many invitations. I can’t imagine arriving at 10 PM uninvited at a dinner where my friend is entertaining her girlfriends. That’s a red flag. He just might be socially inept. Bottom line, his behaviour is worrisome to her. It would be to me too.

Yes, he’s being way too intrusive. I would suggest cutting way back on responding to his text messages. And you certainly don’t have to tell him where you are all the time. If he asks, you can always just say something like “relaxing with friends,” and then turn off your phone.

 

[teresadeavila]

I have to add that while you are going through separation from your husband, could be tempting to enjoy this priest’s attentions too much. Perhaps you’re not - but we’re all vulnerable to temptation. It may sneak up on you when you least expect it.

 

[Dakota_Roberts]

Re: The priest is married to the Church: we get the idea from the cathechism. Christ’s bride is His Church. The priests represent Christ on earth. Therefore, their bride is Christ’s Church of which the laity is a part.

I’m a married woman. I don’t hang with my friend’s husband. We don’t do dinner and we don’t go to the movies alone. Same rules apply to the OP and the priest. She gets it, he doesn’t.

Yes, the priest acts in place of Christ, but that doesn’t mean they are married to the Church, if this were true there wouldn’t be priests who a both validly married and validly ordained (which there are, indeed there is one in my former parish).

 

[Ophelia23]

Use your judgement on this one. I personally have a great friend who is a priest. We have known each other for years and years, long before his priesthood and long before my marriage. We still go out on occasion for lunch, or for a walk, or just to sit and talk and catch up. I have never, never had a hunch or a suspicion that he wanted more than my friendship. Being friends with a priest is not in and of itself an issue.

However, if you are feeling that this is making you uncomfortable, or you feel that perhaps he is wanting more than a friendship, or that you are posing an unintended temptation for him, then you need to follow your gut.

 

[PatriceA]

If it is worriesome to her, then i agree…dont go. If there is anything to her that raises a red flag…absolutely dont go.

My message was more for the general occasions I guess. I just don’t believe that a priest should only interact with men. I think if a female parishioner and a priest who have intellectually stimulating conversations about god or whatever want to go to lunch and discuss things…they shouldn’t be stared at and thought the worst of. Thats the point I was trying to make.

The OP’s scenerio has gone beyond the realms of a female parishoner and a priest having a healthy friendship and socializing outside of Mass. If the male in the OP’s scenerio wasn’t a priest, the situation would still have red flags attached to it. If it was scenerio between two friends of the same gender, it would still have red flags attached to it. But the fact that it does involve a newly separated female and a priest is very, very concerning.

To the OP, I would find another priest to talk to about the situation if you can. Get another priest’s point of view and if they too think the situation needs to be addressed in some way, perhaps they would be willing to speak to this priest that is a friend of yours, priest to priest, one on one. It would greatly concern me, not such because the friendship has slipped beyond normal friendship boundaries, but also because I wouldn’t want the priest or myself to become an occasion for gossip amongst the congregation and ruin the priest’s repuation in any shape or form.

 

[aicirt]

Ok…general scenario…

I am a single female…I ask my Priest to lunch to discuss a problem I am having (ok, granted this is not the case with the OP, it is much different and i understand that).

The priest says yes, we go to lunch and talk about my problem.

You are a parishioner at the church. You see us. What are your thoughts?

If it can be discussed in his office, I wouldn’t be asking him to lunch. I’ve never asked any man to lunch in a professional capacity and seeking counseling from a priest would fit into that category for me.

However, if a priest and I were attending some conference and both of us were hungry, I’d go to dinner with him and probably pick-up the check. For my sake, I’d prefer he wear his collar.

 

[Holly3278]

Personally I think that what the priest is doing is completely innocent. I seriously doubt that he is doing anything sinful or looking for anything sinful such as violating his vow of celibacy. He is probably just very lonely.

 

[Angelsflight]

If it can be discussed in his office, I wouldn’t be asking him to lunch. I’ve never asked any man to lunch in a professional capacity and seeking counseling from a priest would fit into that category for me.

However, if a priest and I were attending some conference and both of us were hungry, I’d go to dinner with him and probably pick-up the check. For my sake, I’d prefer he wear his collar.

Ok, you are right. I would not ask my priest to lunch either. That is just not my way…so if i change the scenario to he asks you to lunch to discuss your problem, would you go?

I probably would. I trust my priest though. He is not the going out to lunch kind of guy, but I probably would go if he asked.

Granted, my scenario is not the same as the OP’s. I may have gone off on a little tangent (sorry folks!) and now that I read the OP’s first post again, I think I misunderstood. If he is constantly texting you, tagging along uninvited to things that you are doing, yes, I would say that could be uncomfortable and it does raise a little bit of a red flag. It could very well be that he is lonely and just looking for friendship, and doesn’t know how to go about it tactfully. You could give him the benefit of the doubt, or if you are just too uncomfortable with it…steer clear.

 

[Anglico]

Thank you to all of those who have responded. I was not sure if my situation was normal or not as I too questioned where he found the time to dedicate to me alone. When he asked if he could come and spend the evening and overnight with me an my friends at the beach resort that is when I decided to get answers. This seemed very inappropriate since it would just me and my two female friends and it would be overnight. I intend to talk to him this weekend and tell him to back off a bit. I still am not sure how to approach him yet, but will do this for sure. Thank you again to all who responded as this has confirmed what I already knew in my heart.

 

[Angelsflight]

Thank you to all of those who have responded. I was not sure if my situation was normal or not as I too questioned where he found the time to dedicate to me alone. When he asked if he could come and spend the evening and overnight with me an my friends at the beach resort that is when I decided to get answers. This seemed very inappropriate since it would just me and my two female friends and it would be overnight. I intend to talk to him this weekend and tell him to back off a bit. I still am not sure how to approach him yet, but will do this for sure. Thank you again to all who responded as this has confirmed what I already knew in my heart.

Overnight? Eek!

 

[Irishmom2]

Innocent or not, he appears to be too dependent on you for friendship or whatever he is texting you about. I personally find it a bit odd and it would make me uncomfortable even if he were not a priest especially if I were married, and maybe even more so if I were separated from my husband.

 

[teresadeavila]

Overnight?? In the same hotel room?? (makes sign of the cross). Oh my. That’s an obvious no-no.

 

[InLight247]

I intend to talk to him this weekend and tell him to back off a bit.

I think he needs to back off a lot, not just a bit. You can just be honest and polite with him. Let him know your concerns and be straightforward about the suggestion of keeping distance. If you are going to him for counseling, you need to find another counselor.

 

[NewEnglandPriest]

OK, lots going on here. I do think its possible for a priest to be friends with a woman and to interact socially with her. If there was a movie that both I and a personal friend of mine’s wife wanted to see but no one else did, I’d have no problem going to the movie with her and neither would her husband. We’ve all known each other for almost 25 years and nothing even bordering on temptation is going to happen. However, those are personal friends that I’ve had for a long time. A female parishioner is another story. Even if I had no interest in a female parishioner I wouldn’t want her or her husband/boyfriend or anyone else to ever get the wrong impression so I find its best to just avoid those situations all together.

As to your particular situation, it seems at the very least this priest needs some better social skills. People shouldn’t invite themselves along to other people’s events. I think you need to draw some boundaries, and fast. A simple reply of, “Well I didn’t organize the get together and I don’t feel comfortable bringing along someone that the others might not feel comfortable with…” should suffice. This may all be an innocent matter of someone not knowing social boundaries but unless you start drawing some and sticking to them its only going to get worse.

I don’t know the context in which you have gotten to know each other but unless its outside of a ministerial setting then this friendship really needs to be reigned in and reset.

 

[Angelsflight]

OK, lots going on here. I do think its possible for a priest to be friends with a woman and to interact socially with her. If there was a movie that both I and a personal friend of mine’s wife wanted to see but no one else did, I’d have no problem going to the movie with her and neither would her husband. We’ve all known each other for almost 25 years and nothing even bordering on temptation is going to happen. However, those are personal friends that I’ve had for a long time. A female parishioner is another story. Even if I had no interest in a female parishioner I wouldn’t want her or her husband/boyfriend or anyone else to ever get the wrong impression so I find its best to just avoid those situations all together.

As to your particular situation, it seems at the very least this priest needs some better social skills. People shouldn’t invite themselves along to other people’s events. I think you need to draw some boundaries, and fast. A simple reply of, “Well I didn’t organize the get together and I don’t feel comfortable bringing along someone that the others might not feel comfortable with…” should suffice. This may all be an innocent matter of someone not knowing social boundaries but unless you start drawing some and sticking to them its only going to get worse.

I don’t know the context in which you have gotten to know each other but unless its outside of a ministerial setting then this friendship really needs to be reigned in and reset.

Thank you, Father. Good advice!

 

[Edward_H]

Except for the special case that our Priest has mentioned, the answer is no way. Far better to work quietly behind the scenes to find some males in the Parish who can befriend the priest. You can serve the Church and love the priest by helping him indirectly and quietly.

This is an accident waiting to happen, but don’t just sweep it under the rug. The priest may unintentionally find another willing woman.

Bring confession screens back.

 

[jenwha]

I def feel red flags from your post.

I have a tendency never to bother my priest in any way, shape, or form.

He did a couple of special masses, one for his 10 year ordination, and he is very well loved at my church, and I sent him sort of a gushy email after the mass because it felt very special to me. (Just telling him he is a role model and I wish he would stay at our parish.) He is very very good looking. I felt bad about even sending him that email. Then I thought about it and decided I sent him the gushy email because I respect him so very much because he has chosen this profession and because of the sacrifices he has made, but I started to wonder if I shouldn’t have sent it just because he is, to forgive my language, a very “hot” priest, and I am a woman, and maybe he took it the wrong way. . My point being, I think things can be interpreted in may different ways.

But invitations overnight? That is too too much.

 

[ipwnuathalo2]

I hope the OP is able to guide this back into safe territory…or I guess we’ll be reading about it in the papers.

 

[thequeen]

I have several priest friends and none of them would ever consider invading my personal space like that. It seems that this priest is really smothering you he needs other friends so he can back off and give you some space.

 

[TiggerS]

Father sounds as if he may need some counselling. To my way of thinking, going out with a priest even in all innocence as a couple and especially on a regular basis is a situation open to temptation. I would be placing myself and Father in a situation that is an occasion open to temptation and especially so if Father is experiencing loneliness and is lacking in human warmth from fellow human beings.
I suspect since you have raised this question in a thread in the first place, that you have doubts about the situation. Were it me, I would talk quite honestly to Father about my doubts.