Is it ok to kick kids out of the house at 18 years old?

[pnewton]

The blog itself was a logically disconnected joke

By the end he felt he proved conservative parents are anti-Catholic abortionists who “throw their child in the streets”

Screw Loose

The blog is nothing but an opinion devoid of any doctrinal teaching. As far as we know, it is some kid that is facing this situation and is totally clueless to what parental responsibilities really are. Is it okay to kick out a child at 18, or upon graduation? Sure it is. “Okay” is a vague enough word to incorporate the possibility. There is nothing ever taught by the Church that says this is objectively sinful. The better question is whether it prudent. That is a question that is unanswerable here. I have known of one situation where it was the right thing, indeed, the only logical move. I would never extrapolate this to every situation.

For me, the determining factor is whether the child is still moving toward independence. It is unhealthy for a child to live in years of stagnation with a parent.

 

[MissRose73]

I would say only kick out the 18 year old if they are doing things like committing crimes, using drugs, being constantly and blatantly disrespectful towards parents, etc. Otherwise, once they finish high school and can find part time work, then they should contribute some towards the household besides a few chores. Eventually, they should become self supporting, and find their own place especially if they wish not to obey the parental house rules. Yes, I was disobedient from time to time as a teen and young adult but at the same time I did nothing morally and legally bad either.

One of my friends graduated high school at 18. When she arrived home from the graduation, her mother had her stuff packed in several trash bags, and kicked her out of the home. Her relationship with her mother has been very strained since then & she seldom talks to her, and she is just past 30 now with a young son of her own. She said she was not the perfect child but did not do things like commit crimes etc to justify being thrown out of her home on her graduation night. My friend’s situation was uncalled for, but then again back then I did not know her as we met a few years later before she had her child.

My sister was given the choice at 19 to either stop her blatant disrespect of our parents and me, plus contribute towards the household with some chores and/or a small bit financially and attend Mass. My parents decided either she was to reform her life or leave. My sister chose to leave as at that time she did not want to be told what to do and when to do it. She eventually matured and stuff since then but had to learn the hard way. My parents had to give the ultimatum to her and I do not consider it sinful at all.

 

[Catholic_Dude]

The blog is nothing but an opinion devoid of any doctrinal teaching. As far as we know, it is some kid that is facing this situation and is totally clueless to what parental responsibilities really are. Is it okay to kick out a child at 18, or upon graduation? Sure it is. “Okay” is a vague enough word to incorporate the possibility. There is nothing ever taught by the Church that says this is objectively sinful. The better question is whether it prudent. That is a question that is unanswerable here. I have known of one situation where it was the right thing, indeed, the only logical move. I would never extrapolate this to every situation.

For me, the determining factor is whether the child is still moving toward independence. It is unhealthy for a child to live in years of stagnation with a parent.

I think the article makes that distinction. The issue of sinfulness would seem to apply to what would be effectively child abandonment if the child was not ready to leave and behaving themself.

 

[Dan_Grelinger]

I think the article makes that distinction. The issue of sinfulness would seem to apply to what would be effectively child abandonment if the child was not ready to leave and behaving themself.

There would have to be a child involved for it to effectively be child abandonment. The state and the Church would never consider it child abandonment to kick a legal adult out of your house. It could be considered uncharitable, but there could never be the sin of child abandonment.

 

[andrewstx]

The blogger may have a screw loose as some have said, but child abadonment really does exist, and it’s not okay.

I was working, buying my own food and clothing, and still with no notice I got home from HS graduation to find my belongings packed and on the curb. I was all of 17 at the time.

The only time I was allowed to spend a night at my parent’s house (not home) was for my Dad’s funeral, when I found that I was cut off without a cent.

I blame this all on my “parents” self centerdness from their far-right politics.

It is never “OK” to throw a child out of thew house, and especially from the blue as a surprise. never

 

[jmcrae]

I think that if the parents and the child have been planning for the child to leave at age 18 for the child’s whole life, and the child has been saving money and developing skills, and knows where he or she will go to live, and where they will work, and has all the skills they need, then it’s fine.

The “out of the blue” think is not okay at all.

I have Inuit relatives who send their children out for their first hunt at age 12. They have to go by themselves, and they can’t return home empty-=handed - BUT, they don’t just spring it on the kid on his 12th birthday. He prepares for it his whole life. He goes hunting with his parents every time they go (twice a year, typically). His parents have involved him in the process, and he has practiced and perfected his skills. So, it’s not a big deal for him to go out by himself and bring down a moose, and get it home.

I feel that if parents want their kids out at age 18 (or any other set deadline, whether it’s 18, or 22, or 25) then they plan for that throughout the child’s life - they teach the child how to cook, how to budget, how to pay bills, how to keep house, put them in touch with business associates who know them and will provide them with work, they give them job experience in the family business, provide them with appropriate education, and instill in them the character and manners that they will need to be able to retain a good job.

But you don’t treat someone like a five year old their entire life, and then suddenly on their 18th (or 22nd, or 25th) birthday they find the locks changed and their belongings out on the lawn. That would be completely unfair.

 

[mommamia]

My son just graduated this year, and sadly more than one of his friends is facing this. In my experience though, it is not the “conservatives” doing this. It’s mostly those who have bought into the culture of selfishness.

In fact, of about a dozen kids I know that are forced to leave home, 7 of them are stuck homeless because mom/dad’s live in “partner” or new spouse doesn’t want them there. One of those boys is living here now, working for dh so he can get a trade and a future. As for the others, I pray that they may find the support they need to be successful in life.

OTOH…My son knows he has to contribute to the family. This shouldn’t start at 18 though, children should always be taught to contribute according to their age and ability. I have no trouble or moral qualms about expecting some rent if the child doesn’t plan on going to college…and I still expect some chores to be done. Paying rent doesn’t mean no chores, heck dh and I still have to do chores, despite paying all the bills

I also figure he needs to show courtesy to all living here. No longer does he ask my permission to go to a party, but I still expect to have a vague idea about where he will be and most importantly when he will be home.

 

[kkollwitz]

We had one indolent son whom we kicked out at age 19 with a month’s warning. He’s now a married homeowner with 2 kids and a steady job.

We have a second indolent son whom we kicked out at age 20 with 6 weeks’ warning. He is still a work in progress.

 

[jmcrae]

We had one indolent son whom we kicked out at age 19 with a month’s warning. He’s now a married homeowner with 2 kids and a steady job.

We have a second indolent son whom we kicked out at age 20 with 6 weeks’ warning. He is still a work in progress.

At what age did you expect him to leave - and was he fully aware of the deadline, and planning for it step by step with you?

 

[kkollwitz]

At what age did you expect him to leave - and was he fully aware of the deadline, and planning for it step by step with you?

We didn’t have a set time for leaving; they could stay home as long as they were pursuing their education/ holding a job/ saving money/ contributing some effort to the household/ leading a responsible and stable life/ some combination of those things. Both were warned over several months that the continuing failure to grow up would result in having to move out.

On the other hand, our youngest son just kicked himself out at age 22, having done the right things, and is ready for life on his own.

 

[wendy_w]

I moved away to college right out of high school. The university I attended was a little over 300 miles from the family homestead, but I managed to get back for weekends, breaks, etc. about once a month my freshman year. Life was pretty Okay. I had my quasi-adult life at school, living in the dorms, but I also had the security of my childhood home and family.

One day the summer between my freshman and sophomore year my mother told me that I had until school started in August - about six weeks away - to move completely out. I was 19. She told me she wasn’t going to store any of my belongings at the house, so anything I could not fit in my shared dorm room I had to either sell or throw away. Furthermore, I wasn’t allowed to return to my family home except to visit on Christmas Day. I wasn’t allowed to spend the night in the home I was raised in after that August. I had a job that summer, so when I wasn’t working I was throwing out pretty big parts of my childhood: year books, photo albums, awards and 4H ribbons, stuff my mother was unwilling to keep for me until I graduated and found more permanent digs.

I wasn’t a behavior problem kid. I was on an academic scholarship, got really good grades, and I worked part-time on campus to pay for my books and housing. I ended up having to postpone my graduation by a year because I needed to take a paid internship to cover break and summer housing as well as my own car insurance (she’d also taken me off her policy despite the fact that I’d never had an accident or ticket).

Looking back I realize this was her ham-handed of making me an “adult.” But it was really clumsy and harsh - none of her friends or our family had done anything like that with their college-aged children, and my younger half-brother lived at home year-round until he was 21, finished community college, and joined the Air Force. I can still today feel the anxiety this provoked; it was literally like my life imploded over six weeks. And the loneliness of being in the dorms over Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter breaks, when everyone else (except a handful of international students) had gone home to their families, is still with me.

And my relationship with my mother was never the same. How could it be? We’ve rarely talked since that summer, and it’s been almost 30 years. So anyone who’s thinking about cutting children out of the family just because they’re 18 take heed. You may make adults out of them, but you also may rarely see them again.

Luna

How very sad for you. What was your mother thinking? Not to be able to come home and stay over for holidays that is crazy. Did she have some kind of emotional
break down. Luna I’m sorry you had to go thru that and your Mother sure ended
any close relationship with her daughter. I doubt it was worth it.

 

[jmcrae]

And my relationship with my mother was never the same. How could it be? We’ve rarely talked since that summer, and it’s been almost 30 years. So anyone who’s thinking about cutting children out of the family just because they’re 18 take heed. You may make adults out of them, but you also may rarely see them again.

Luna

Reminds me of a line from “Tower of Song” by Leonard Cohen -

*I see you standing on the other side, I don’t know how the river got so wide …] and all those bridges are burning that we might have crossed, and I feel so close to all the things that I lost, for I’ll never have to lose them again, and I bid you farewell, for I hope I’ll never see you again. …] I’m just paying my rent every day in the Tower of Song. *

 

[andrewstx]

I was taught nothing at all, except that I was expected to hold a job, which I did. I was taught no cooking, how to pay bills, and all I knew about my first car (which I bought my self natch, was where to put the gas nozzle) I knew nothing about adding or checking oil, or changing oil. The motor seized when I had had it a mere two years.

I was complely unprepared when I was kicked out HS graduation night.

My parents hated me, and everyday my mom told me “it nearly killed me having you”.

Now I am completly alone, not taught about dating I am still single at age56.

 

[jmcrae]

I was taught nothing at all, except that I was expected to hold a job, which I did. I was taught no cooking, how to pay bills, and all I knew about my first car (which I bought my self natch, was where to put the gas nozzle) I knew nothing about adding or checking oil, or changing oil. The motor seized when I had had it a mere two years.

I was complely unprepared when I was kicked out HS graduation night.

My parents hated me, and everyday my mom told me “it nearly killed me having you”.

Now I am completly alone, not taught about dating I am still single at age 56.

That’s so sad!

 

[creole54]

My mother died when I was 12 and 3 years later my dad joined the Peace Corps and moved to Africa. I was pretty much on my own after that. I lived with brothers, sisters, uncles, friends for the rest of high school. When he came home he warned me I would have to move out at 18, and he was true to his word. I, too, spent holidays in the dorm when all my friends went home for Thanksgiving & Easter.

But here’s the thing…I didn’t resent my dad for it. In fact, he was my best friend (after he came back to the US) and I loved him more than anyone else.

Still though, I would never kick a child out of the house unless they were violent, disrespectful or involved in criminal activity…which describes none of my kids because they are all wonderful, kind, respectful people.

My daughter’s best friend was kicked out of her family home when they were seniors. Her parents were extremely strict Southern Baptists and she had become rebellious. I took her in out of concern for her safety until she worked things out with her parents. They were furious with me that I had given her sanctuary.

 

[signit]

At what age did you expect him to leave - and was he fully aware of the deadline, and planning for it step by step with you?

We didn’t have a set time for leaving; they could stay home as long as they were pursuing their education/ holding a job/ saving money/ contributing some effort to the household/ leading a responsible and stable life/ some combination of those things. Both were warned over several months that the continuing failure to grow up would result in having to move out.

On the other hand, our youngest son just kicked himself out at age 22, having done the right things, and is ready for life on his own.

This is similar to my experience when I was that age.

If I was at least doing some of the constructive things above, and avoided any serious misconduct, Mom had no problem with me staying at home. Even when I wasn’t working, Mom saw that I was at least trying to find work.

If all I did was sit around the house playing video games, I would have been told that I do something with my life, and, after fair warning, I might have been told to leave.

Part of it was that Mom couldn’t help me out in a way some parents could (paying for college, down payment on a house, etc.) and wanted to make it up to me that way.

 

[edwest2]

No. Here’s why.

Children are raised by their parents and guided by their parents, and they often have other family members to guide them as well. They are not strangers. They do not gain magical powers or abilities when they turn 18. They still need your love and guidance.

As Catholics, we cannot promote the fake ‘doctrine of separation’ promoted by the media and groups that hate stable families. And even some 18 year olds who came to believe this doctrine of separation just go out, believing that mom and/or dad are ‘holding them back from having any fun’ or that mom and dad know nothing and they do. And then call them for money a few months later.

A normal Catholic family gradually prepares their children for adulthood. They make sure to tell them about their choices after High School. What would they like to do as far as work? They tell them that you don’t want to wake up at age 30 still at a job you hate. A family is a family and works together. So whether they go to college or trade school or some other specialized institution, or have a relative or friend that can get them into a good paying job - why should the parents be out of the loop? Why should the people who loved you and raised you ever be out of the loop?

For Catholics, from generation to generation, we got a lot of advice as we approached adulthood, from grandfathers, grandmothers, aunts, uncles, cousins and true friends as well. We had a large support net.

After the 2008 disaster caused by Wall Street, I read the business press and personally knew people who had been at their jobs for years and lost them, and college grads who suddenly found their options gone or down to a handful of choices. A good number ended up back at home.

Yes, some people finished high school and got whatever job they could. But even if you were raised by an aunt or uncle or even a grandmother, you knew you had a place to stay between jobs.

I always tell my young relatives: plan. Plan now for the future.

So, to reiterate:

Even if your son or daughter is hesitant or lazy, just tell them: I expect you to get a job. I expect you to be able to take care of yourself. But, if there really are no prospects after months of trying, what are they supposed to do? Certainly, not give up. But they still have a place to stay.

And tell them to take anything while watching for openings elsewhere. Sometimes, life is not a straight line.

And please, please do not accept the fiction that they need to be out of the house by 18. A few weeks after I graduated High School in 1973, a friend helped me get a job at a local hospital. I stayed home and paid my way through college, and then quit after a friend of mine started his own business and hired me on.

Sadly, the anti-family media portrays parents and relatives as stupid or interfering or in any other negative way to make you fear or distrust the people you grew up with. That’s wrong.

We need strong Catholic families where parental love does not stop at 18 for no reason.

Peace,
Ed

 

[dixieagle]

I moved away to college right out of high school. The university I attended was a little over 300 miles from the family homestead, but I managed to get back for weekends, breaks, etc. about once a month my freshman year. Life was pretty Okay. I had my quasi-adult life at school, living in the dorms, but I also had the security of my childhood home and family.

One day the summer between my freshman and sophomore year my mother told me that I had until school started in August - about six weeks away - to move completely out. I was 19. She told me she wasn’t going to store any of my belongings at the house, so anything I could not fit in my shared dorm room I had to either sell or throw away. Furthermore, I wasn’t allowed to return to my family home except to visit on Christmas Day. I wasn’t allowed to spend the night in the home I was raised in after that August. I had a job that summer, so when I wasn’t working I was throwing out pretty big parts of my childhood: year books, photo albums, awards and 4H ribbons, stuff my mother was unwilling to keep for me until I graduated and found more permanent digs.

I wasn’t a behavior problem kid. I was on an academic scholarship, got really good grades, and I worked part-time on campus to pay for my books and housing. I ended up having to postpone my graduation by a year because I needed to take a paid internship to cover break and summer housing as well as my own car insurance (she’d also taken me off her policy despite the fact that I’d never had an accident or ticket).

Looking back I realize this was her ham-handed of making me an “adult.” But it was really clumsy and harsh - none of her friends or our family had done anything like that with their college-aged children, and my younger half-brother lived at home year-round until he was 21, finished community college, and joined the Air Force. I can still today feel the anxiety this provoked; it was literally like my life imploded over six weeks. And the loneliness of being in the dorms over Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter breaks, when everyone else (except a handful of international students) had gone home to their families, is still with me.

And my relationship with my mother was never the same. How could it be? We’ve rarely talked since that summer, and it’s been almost 30 years. So anyone who’s thinking about cutting children out of the family just because they’re 18 take heed. You may make adults out of them, but you also may rarely see them again.

Luna

As a mom of two adult daughters (and now a grandmother) I find this incredibly sad. This happened to a niece of mine, and the relationship with her mother has only recently been somewhat repaired.

I simply cannot fathom kicking a child of mine out of the house (except in the most extreme of circumstances…violence, drugs, endangering other family members.) Frankly, I rather like the idea of an multi-generational family home, as it used to be. I know that I lived at home through college (commuter student) until I married, as did one of our daughters. She and the baby will still occasionally stay here if her husband is away, and I love it.

 

[rebeccajohns]

Sorry, I do not agree that because a child turns 18 he should be kicked out of the house. I believe that if you have a good kid, he will grow up and he will leave when he is independently ready. Do not rush it. It will come naturally. My child is 24 years old and he lives w/ me. He has a full time job, is a very busy young man, and is planning to move out in a couple of years because he is saving his money because he wants to make sure when he moves out it is for good and does not want to fail but jumping the gun too soon. He doesn’t bother me. I hardly even see him because he is so busy working and his physical activities. I am old school and I do not believe in kicking your kid out at 18. This is asking for bad decisions. I don’t think at 18 a kid is fully grown and aware to be out in the real world. Sometimes because they do not have the support of the parents or a parent, they end up making bad decision out of desperation. Hang in there, be supportive, and if he is living life as best as he can at 18, why kick him out. My son lives a respectful life so to me because he is 24 doesn’t mean he has to be pushed out the door. Good luck.

 

[anp1215]

I was taught nothing at all, except that I was expected to hold a job, which I did. I was taught no cooking, how to pay bills, and all I knew about my first car (which I bought my self natch, was where to put the gas nozzle) I knew nothing about adding or checking oil, or changing oil. The motor seized when I had had it a mere two years.

I was complely unprepared when I was kicked out HS graduation night.

My parents hated me, and everyday my mom told me “it nearly killed me having you”.

Now I am completly alone, not taught about dating I am still single at age56.

I’m so sorry for the pain your parents caused you. No one deserves that. I pray that every day Christ’s love may fill the emptiness left by your parents.