Is it Ok to use a real time GPS to track my vow-breaking husband's whereabouts?

[kage_ar]

Asking one more time, before he had these infidelities - did he buy you presents and take you on trips? Is that what you expect from marriage?

 

[e3342]

Asking one more time, before he had these infidelities - did he buy you presents and take you on trips? Is that what you expect from marriage?

Yes, he did those things, not all the time, but yes, he did.

 

[e3342]

Feeling up those “skanks”? Fallen out of love with you?

Do you have any idea what male sexual nature is? Male sexual nature is very different to female natures. He was enticed by the phyical-not mental. That’s why when a man falls-masturbation, strip club, etc, he is giving into a phyiscal urge much more different than then an emotional one. And NO I am not justifying what he did. He could still very, very much be in love with you.

Male Sexual nature is night and day different than female nature. We can talk about later sometime if you wish.

What would I do? I would 1) realize that there is a HUGE difference between strip club dances and emotional, drawn out “affiars.” 2) I would realize he is a man, and sometimes men do stupid things like this because they often times are quite stimulated by the visual. 3) I would calm down and pray for him. 4) I would realize all the good times we have had together. 5) I would attempt to build up trust again. Using a GPS is a slap in the face to him. If he just goes to work and back, etc, then finds out you were tracking him, or, what if he stops at a flower shop and you don’t know that and freak out when is late? 6) I would get a good, understanding, and non man hating therapist.

Ma’am? I am not trying to sound rude, I feel for you, but I really think that the GPS thing is way out of line.

#1: Yes, I realize there is a huge difference., #2: I know men are more visual, hence, they need to be more vigilant, just like women, who are more emotional, need to be vigilant about not starting any internet “friendships”, for example, #3: I AM praying for him, #4: I remember…during some of those good times, he got lap dances afterwards, #5: I know the address of the strip joint, I would never accuse without getting facts first. If I find that nothing is going on, I am going to remove it and not mention it (for a while anyway), #6: We’ve been going to a therapist…a man.

 

[flyingfish]

Yes, he did those things, not all the time, but yes, he did.

If you want those things back, tracking him and finding out if he still goes to strip clubs is not the way to go about it.

Similarly, if he still goes to strip clubs, the way to make him stop is not to find out with GPS and confront him about it. It’s to make him not want to do it for your sake.

Work on making him want to do those things for you again. Forgive him, show him you appreciate him and respect him (and if you don’t, pretend for a while)…

In the end you cannot force a man not to go to strip clubs by argument, by confrontation, by sneaky GPS tracking. You have to make him want to protect your feelings.

 

[Rascalking]

#1: Yes, I realize there is a huge difference., #2: I know men are more visual, hence, they need to be more vigilant, just like women, who are more emotional, need to be vigilant about not starting any internet “friendships”, for example, #3: I AM praying for him, #4: I remember…during some of those good times, he got lap dances afterwards, #5: I know the address of the strip joint, I would never accuse without getting facts first. If I find that nothing is going on, I am going to remove it and not mention it (for a while anyway), #6: We’ve been going to a therapist…a man.

Good to hear all of that. Ma’am, I’ll pray for you two. Keep us posted.

 

[kage_ar]

Yes, he did those things, not all the time, but yes, he did.

Have you told him “I will not be able to trust you again until you buy me gifts or take me on a trip” ?

Don’t expect him to read your mind, if this is what you require to trust him again - then - tell him that. And, by all means, be honest - if he starts buying you stuff then start trusting him.

 

[e3342]

Have you told him “I will not be able to trust you again until you buy me gifts or take me on a trip” ?

Don’t expect him to read your mind, if this is what you require to trust him again - then - tell him that. And, by all means, be honest - if he starts buying you stuff then start trusting him.

I have told him all those things

 

[e3342]

If you want those things back, tracking him and finding out if he still goes to strip clubs is not the way to go about it.

Similarly, if he still goes to strip clubs, the way to make him stop is not to find out with GPS and confront him about it. It’s to make him not want to do it for your sake.

Work on making him want to do those things for you again. Forgive him, show him you appreciate him and respect him (and if you don’t, pretend for a while)…

In the end you cannot force a man not to go to strip clubs by argument, by confrontation, by sneaky GPS tracking. You have to make him want to protect your feelings.

I think if I discover he is still cheating on me, with no remorse, I will have to divorce him.

 

[e3342]

Haha, well I don’t think there’s anything immoral about using a GPS device to track your husband.

Of course, if you do find his truck parked outside strip clubs, how are you going to confront him? “Oh, hi honey, I have been keeping track of everything you do with GPS, I think we should really go to counseling” That would make you seem insane in his eyes.

I don’t know what you should do. A lap dance, while terrible, is not an affair. It’s not like he fell in love with another woman and had a relationship with her. Are you seeing a therapist individually?

I would confront him and it would probably mean divorce. Yes, I am seeing a therapist individually.

 

[Tosk]

I think if I discover he is still cheating on me, with no remorse, I will have to divorce him.

Then you’re better off not knowing. The majority of the men I work with see no problem with strip clubs and don’t consider going to them cheating. Just pray your husband has a change of heart soon.

 

[whatevergirl]

I’m a little surprised that some of you feel ‘men will be men.’ The problem with sin, is that it begets more sin. Her husband has to lie to her to go to these places. He has lost his affection for her, and that could be directly related to the clubs…to the ‘attention’ he gets from these women. This is not a ‘men will be men’ kind of thing. Men are visual. So? We’re not talking driving by a billboard, and having a fleeting lustful thought. We’re talking about a man, who has to a)lie to his wife to go to a place he shouldn’t be and b) get into his car to drive to these places and c) spends their money on these women. This is not like having an affair, but it’s pretty close. A lot of effort went into his extracurricular activity. Effort he should be spending on his wife. He has been having an affair with lust for some time now…as I see it. This isn’t something to take lightly, and say…eh, well …he’s a man. We shouldn’t expect much from them. What a sad commentary!

Jesus never said…’‘well, men will be men.’’ (when finding them in sin) No, He told everyone…go and sin no more. He didn’t make excuses for genders like for some reason, we do.

I don’t think I’d get the GPS thing, but I want to tell you OP, you have something to be concerned with. Now, as I said a few posts back, you have to find a way to forgive and trust him…BUT, if he is spending a lot of time at night away from you, then you need to confront him. I don’t believe in sneaking around to get facts…I think you will be able to tell the truth by looking into his eyes.

I’m sorry you have had to go through this. Hang in there. I’m praying for you both.

PS–I did read your other thread on this…and only you know your husband and your situation. If he is trying, then like I said, meet him 1/2 way. You have to forgive him if he is trying. If you can’t…then, that is something for you to come to terms with…but, I just wanted to let you know that this isn’t a minor thing, what he did. One or two times, yes. Not a strip club habit for years…I don’t think you overreacted on that end. *

 

[Liberanosamalo]

This is a Catholic site. People come here for the Catholic response. So those who are reformed, irritated or not Catholic at all shouldn’t be judging what is important to Catholics or not.



We were taught to avoid persons, places and things that could lead us away from God and into sin. Having a naked woman who is not your wife gyrate on your lap in a public place does not build up a marriage relationship. Doing so knowing it would cause your wife tremendous grief if she walked in is not the action of a man who wants his marriage to work.

When people betray their spouses and lose trust they have to fix it. When they want it to work, they do everything to be accountable to rebuild the trust. They do whatever they have to. They don’t continue to do the stuff that caused the problem in the first place.

And the funny thing about such people… if you hire a PI, or you track them with a GPS,or you put a keystroke monitor on your computer, in their book, YOU become worse than them. YOU become the bad person.

On what planet does THAT happen?

I say that ignorance is NOT bliss, and KNOWING THE TRUTH is often a kick in the gut. Especially when ignorance can lead to you having relations with a husband who may have had sexual contact with the kind of woman who dances naked for strangers.

When it gets to the point your trust in someone is so weak that you are thinking of even putting a GPS in the car, it’s pretty much gone.

All the presents and flowers in the world won’t buy it back. Cheaters do that out of guilt sometimes. Flowers mean nothing. You can’t run on roses forever.

Some cheaters stop buying flowers. In fact, the more they cheat, the meaner they become to their victim. She’s a constant reminder of his failure and his lack of integrity. So he attacks her.

Been there, done that.

Lack of gift giving, lack of time, lack of communication, lack of truth… all of that is not the problem. It’s the symptom of a problem. His actions speak so loudly she can’t hear a word he’s saying.

I suggest to all of you who give men a pass on their behavior that if the Blessed Mother appeared and was standing in front of whatever you were doing, if you would be even slightly embarrassed or ashamed, maybe you shouldn’t be doing it. Because it would be wrong.

Quit making excuses for sin. I don’t care how visual men are or what makes them happy. They are called to self control the same as women. He’s going out for beer when he has champagne at home. This husband is giving to strangers the time that is owed to his family. That is an injustice. He is betraying his wife by looking at someone else. Christ Himself said anyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery in his heart.

Christ did NOT say “Gee, guys, I know you’re all visual and all that, so it’s okay by me.”

The OP has a right to be hurt. Those who have not been married may not understand the deep betrayal that a spouse going and doing this can provoke.

Trust isn’t just something you build like a garden wall. One person can’t build it all by themselves. It’s part of a relationship that two people build together. Some people use forgiveness as an excuse to go hurt the other person again.

This couple needs to go to a good Catholic counselor. The husband needs to decide if he wants to be a grown up married man and treat his wife with respect, or if he wants to revert to being a tomcat chasing strange women. And no, I don’t buy the “he might still love you.” Love doesn’t do something hurtful again and again after they know they are hurting the beloved.

I wonder how all these guys would feel and answer if some guy was here complaining his wife was out watching Chippendales and hooting and hollering and sitting in some strange man’s lap and handing him dollar bills.

They wouldn’t be saying “girls will be girls” I bet.

 

[BRZ]

I can’t believe some of the responses in here from seemingly Catholics. Men are visual? Going to a strip club is not a problem? What?

Jesus specifically said that those who lust in their hearts have already comitted adultery. You do not have to actually have sex with a woman to comitt adultery, just lusting after a woman means you already have. Going to a strip club is a ridiculously foolish and morally evil thing.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Oh, and if your husband has a cell phone, he already has consented to having a GPS device on his person.

I would call it often.



Should there ever be a need, or an accident, those calls and where he was when they were picked up could be checked out.

 

[flyingfish]

I think if I discover he is still cheating on me, with no remorse, I will have to divorce him.

Ah, well that of course changes things.

I guess if you do decide to track him, make sure you hide the GPS well. If he is not still going to strip clubs, him finding GPS could seriously damage your marriage.

But even with GPS, how could you be sure? Even if he parks in an area where there are strip clubs, how do you know he went into a strip club instead of a bar. How would you know that if he did go into the strip club that he got lap dances?

How would you know that he wasn’t there to simply pick up a drunk buddy from a strip club?

 

[onmyknees]

This is a Catholic site. People come here for the Catholic response. So those who are reformed, irritated or not Catholic at all shouldn’t be judging what is important to Catholics or not.



We were taught to avoid persons, places and things that could lead us away from God and into sin. Having a naked woman who is not your wife gyrate on your lap in a public place does not build up a marriage relationship. Doing so knowing it would cause your wife tremendous grief if she walked in is not the action of a man who wants his marriage to work.

When people betray their spouses and lose trust they have to fix it. When they want it to work, they do everything to be accountable to rebuild the trust. They do whatever they have to. They don’t continue to do the stuff that caused the problem in the first place.

And the funny thing about such people… if you hire a PI, or you track them with a GPS,or you put a keystroke monitor on your computer, in their book, YOU become worse than them. YOU become the bad person.

On what planet does THAT happen?

I say that ignorance is NOT bliss, and KNOWING THE TRUTH is often a kick in the gut. Especially when ignorance can lead to you having relations with a husband who may have had sexual contact with the kind of woman who dances naked for strangers.

When it gets to the point your trust in someone is so weak that you are thinking of even putting a GPS in the car, it’s pretty much gone.

All the presents and flowers in the world won’t buy it back. Cheaters do that out of guilt sometimes. Flowers mean nothing. You can’t run on roses forever.

Some cheaters stop buying flowers. In fact, the more they cheat, the meaner they become to their victim. She’s a constant reminder of his failure and his lack of integrity. So he attacks her.

Been there, done that.

Lack of gift giving, lack of time, lack of communication, lack of truth… all of that is not the problem. It’s the symptom of a problem. His actions speak so loudly she can’t hear a word he’s saying.

I suggest to all of you who give men a pass on their behavior that if the Blessed Mother appeared and was standing in front of whatever you were doing, if you would be even slightly embarrassed or ashamed, maybe you shouldn’t be doing it. Because it would be wrong.

Quit making excuses for sin. I don’t care how visual men are or what makes them happy. They are called to self control the same as women. He’s going out for beer when he has champagne at home. This husband is giving to strangers the time that is owed to his family. That is an injustice. He is betraying his wife by looking at someone else. Christ Himself said anyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery in his heart.

Christ did NOT say “Gee, guys, I know you’re all visual and all that, so it’s okay by me.”

The OP has a right to be hurt. Those who have not been married may not understand the deep betrayal that a spouse going and doing this can provoke.

Trust isn’t just something you build like a garden wall. One person can’t build it all by themselves. It’s part of a relationship that two people build together. Some people use forgiveness as an excuse to go hurt the other person again.

This couple needs to go to a good Catholic counselor. The husband needs to decide if he wants to be a grown up married man and treat his wife with respect, or if he wants to revert to being a tomcat chasing strange women. And no, I don’t buy the “he might still love you.” Love doesn’t do something hurtful again and again after they know they are hurting the beloved.

I wonder how all these guys would feel and answer if some guy was here complaining his wife was out watching Chippendales and hooting and hollering and sitting in some strange man’s lap and handing him dollar bills.

They wouldn’t be saying “girls will be girls” I bet.

Amen!!!

 

[e3342]

*e3342, I think too what you’re wanting from your husband is this type of apology:

"I am sorry I did this, IT WAS WRONG, I won’t do it again.’’ The fact that he is not saying ‘it was wrong,’ is what is troubling you. I don’t blame you. My husband, earlier in our marriage, would say apologies…like ‘‘I’m sorry you’re upset.’’ Um, not satisfactory. lol What kind of an apology is that? So, I know where you are coming from, but again, sometimes, you have to take people where they are. Your husband IS sorry. He just doesn’t see anything wrong with what he did. But, he is sorry for hurting you, I imagine. Your concern is that if he doesn’t see the wrongness, he’s apt to doing it again. (not a bad assumption)

But, the fact that you still suspect something, tells me he is disappearing for hours, when he should be with you. Is the strip club situation being brought up in counseling? What does the counselor think, if I may ask? *

The strip club was brought up in counseling. Counselor said he must take what my husband says on face value. If he thinks it is not wrong, then the counselor must work from there.

 

[e3342]

Ah, well that of course changes things.

I guess if you do decide to track him, make sure you hide the GPS well. If he is not still going to strip clubs, him finding GPS could seriously damage your marriage.

But even with GPS, how could you be sure? Even if he parks in an area where there are strip clubs, how do you know he went into a strip club instead of a bar. How would you know that if he did go into the strip club that he got lap dances?

How would you know that he wasn’t there to simply pick up a drunk buddy from a strip club?

Because he always goes alone. There would be no way he would be in that parking lot without cheating on me. Actually, I think he may have laid off for a while, but he has also, in the past, liked to visit go-go bars where one just watches, not touches, and at this point, even if he does that, I have had ENOUGH.

 

[e3342]

This is a Catholic site. People come here for the Catholic response. So those who are reformed, irritated or not Catholic at all shouldn’t be judging what is important to Catholics or not.



We were taught to avoid persons, places and things that could lead us away from God and into sin. Having a naked woman who is not your wife gyrate on your lap in a public place does not build up a marriage relationship. Doing so knowing it would cause your wife tremendous grief if she walked in is not the action of a man who wants his marriage to work.

When people betray their spouses and lose trust they have to fix it. When they want it to work, they do everything to be accountable to rebuild the trust. They do whatever they have to. They don’t continue to do the stuff that caused the problem in the first place.

And the funny thing about such people… if you hire a PI, or you track them with a GPS,or you put a keystroke monitor on your computer, in their book, YOU become worse than them. YOU become the bad person.

On what planet does THAT happen?

I say that ignorance is NOT bliss, and KNOWING THE TRUTH is often a kick in the gut. Especially when ignorance can lead to you having relations with a husband who may have had sexual contact with the kind of woman who dances naked for strangers.

When it gets to the point your trust in someone is so weak that you are thinking of even putting a GPS in the car, it’s pretty much gone.

All the presents and flowers in the world won’t buy it back. Cheaters do that out of guilt sometimes. Flowers mean nothing. You can’t run on roses forever.

Some cheaters stop buying flowers. In fact, the more they cheat, the meaner they become to their victim. She’s a constant reminder of his failure and his lack of integrity. So he attacks her.

Been there, done that.

Lack of gift giving, lack of time, lack of communication, lack of truth… all of that is not the problem. It’s the symptom of a problem. His actions speak so loudly she can’t hear a word he’s saying.

I suggest to all of you who give men a pass on their behavior that if the Blessed Mother appeared and was standing in front of whatever you were doing, if you would be even slightly embarrassed or ashamed, maybe you shouldn’t be doing it. Because it would be wrong.

Quit making excuses for sin. I don’t care how visual men are or what makes them happy. They are called to self control the same as women. He’s going out for beer when he has champagne at home. This husband is giving to strangers the time that is owed to his family. That is an injustice. He is betraying his wife by looking at someone else. Christ Himself said anyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery in his heart.

Christ did NOT say “Gee, guys, I know you’re all visual and all that, so it’s okay by me.”

The OP has a right to be hurt. Those who have not been married may not understand the deep betrayal that a spouse going and doing this can provoke.

Trust isn’t just something you build like a garden wall. One person can’t build it all by themselves. It’s part of a relationship that two people build together. Some people use forgiveness as an excuse to go hurt the other person again.

This couple needs to go to a good Catholic counselor. The husband needs to decide if he wants to be a grown up married man and treat his wife with respect, or if he wants to revert to being a tomcat chasing strange women. And no, I don’t buy the “he might still love you.” Love doesn’t do something hurtful again and again after they know they are hurting the beloved.

I wonder how all these guys would feel and answer if some guy was here complaining his wife was out watching Chippendales and hooting and hollering and sitting in some strange man’s lap and handing him dollar bills.

They wouldn’t be saying “girls will be girls” I bet.

AMEN!

 

[e3342]

Have you told him “I will not be able to trust you again until you buy me gifts or take me on a trip” ?

Don’t expect him to read your mind, if this is what you require to trust him again - then - tell him that. And, by all means, be honest - if he starts buying you stuff then start trusting him.

I’m not looking for gifts. I’m looking for hugs, kisses, etc. with words expressing his sorrow and commitment.