Is it okay for a Catholic woman to say she only wants 2 kids and use NFP to do so?

[WildCatholic]

I ask this because I have a friend of mine who is an extremely devout Catholic woman who follows every letter of the church. However, she says she only wants to have 2 kids because she feels it would be environmentally irresponsible. So she says she’ll use NFP after she has her kids. Is this wrong? To me this seems like the wrong use of NFP. To me, it would be different if say, a family was poor and could only afford 2 kids or if time was a concern. But it concerns me a lot because its like cheating in regards to NFP. I give her credit for not even thinking of contraception, though i wonder if she’s waiting for marriage until she’s older (she’s 23 so their is definitely time, but she also mentioned that she’d be okay with putting it off until she’s 30. So i guess to sum it up is this okay. As a single man i’ve never really thought about the rules of NFP

 

[LongingSoul]

Firstly, I wish people would stop saying they ‘use’ NFP and say they ‘do’ NFP. That is a strong American quirk and it causes people to think wrongly about NFP.

Secondly, the number of children a couple has is a very personal decision and shouldn’t be open to the judgement of others and there is no ‘wrong use’ NFP.

Thirdly, most of us have ideas about family size before we are married that change when we are married for many and varied reasons.

 

[ack]

I’m not entirely sure about this one, but I’m wondering why you’re asking for advice on this particular question. Is your interest in this question only academic, or are you planning on approaching her and telling her that she’s wrong? (Or are you planning on using NFP yourself, to accomplish the same thing?)

One cannot marry validly if they are positively willing to permanently exclude children from the marriage. Because the woman in this case does intend to have children, my guess (only my personal opinion) is that her marriage would be valid.

 

[WildCatholic]

I’m not entirely sure about this one, but I’m wondering why you’re asking for advice on this particular question. Is your interest in this question only academic, or are you planning on approaching her and telling her that she’s wrong? (Or are you planning on using NFP yourself, to accomplish the same thing?)

One cannot marry validly if they are positively willing to permanently exclude children from the marriage. Because the woman in this case does intend to have children, my guess (only my personal opinion) is that her marriage would be valid.

It’s more for academic purposes. I’m just curious

 

[Vico]

I ask this because I have a friend of mine who is an extremely devout Catholic woman who follows every letter of the church. However, she says she only wants to have 2 kids because she feels it would be environmentally irresponsible. So she says she’ll use NFP after she has her kids. Is this wrong? To me this seems like the wrong use of NFP. To me, it would be different if say, a family was poor and could only afford 2 kids or if time was a concern. But it concerns me a lot because its like cheating in regards to NFP. I give her credit for not even thinking of contraception, though i wonder if she’s waiting for marriage until she’s older (she’s 23 so their is definitely time, but she also mentioned that she’d be okay with putting it off until she’s 30. So i guess to sum it up is this okay. As a single man i’ve never really thought about the rules of NFP

Here is what Pope Pius XII said on the topic, from Address to Midwives: The reason is that marriage obliges the partners to a state of life, which even as it confers certain rights so it also imposes the accomplishment of a positive work concerning the state itself. In such a case, the general principle may be applied that a positive action may be omitted if grave motives, independent of the good will of those who are obliged to perform it, show that its performance is inopportune, or prove that it may not be claimed with equal right by the petitioner—in this case, mankind.

The matrimonial contract, which confers on the married couple the right to satisfy the inclination of nature, constitutes them in a state of life, namely, the matrimonial state. Now, on married couples, who make use of the specific act of their state, nature and the Creator impose the function of providing for the preservation of mankind. This is the characteristic service which gives rise to the peculiar value of their state, the bonum prolis. The individual and society, the people and the State, the Church itself, depend for their existence, in the order established by God, on fruitful marriages. Therefore, to embrace the matrimonial state, to use continually the faculty proper to such a state and lawful only therein, and, at the same time, to avoid its primary duty without a grave reason, would be a sin against the very nature of married life.

Serious motives, such as those which not rarely arise from medical, eugenic, economic and social so-called “indications,” may exempt husband and wife from the obligatory, positive debt for a long period or even for the entire period of matrimonial life. From this it follows that the observance of the natural sterile periods may be lawful, from the moral viewpoint: and it is lawful in the conditions mentioned. If, however, according to a reasonable and equitable judgment, there are no such grave reasons either personal or deriving from exterior circumstances, the will to avoid the fecundity of their union, while continuing to satisfy to the full their sensuality, can only be the result of a false appreciation of life and of motives foreign to sound ethical principles.

~ Address to Midwives, Given by His Holiness Pope Pius XII, 29 October 1951

 

[mommamaree]

Firstly, I wish people would stop saying they ‘use’ NFP and say they ‘do’ NFP. That is a strong American quirk and it causes people to think wrongly about NFP.

Secondly, the number of children a couple has is a very personal decision and shouldn’t be open to the judgement of others and there is no ‘wrong use’ NFP.

Thirdly, most of us have ideas about family size before we are married that change when we are married for many and varied reasons.

I agree completely with everything you have said here.

Only time will tell on the environmental concerns. So I don’t think we can say anything about whether her reasons are legitimate or not. Plus, those are only her stated reasons; she may have private concerns known only to her as well.

Practicing NFP can be very difficult, and the papal writings on the practice of periodic continence and recourse to the infertile times makes it very clear that the couple alone has the authority to make the decision, and that they need not consult any outside authority. They are welcome to consult if they so desire, but they are under no obligation to be obedient or find a consensus regarding the legitimacy of their reasons.

 

[Usige]

I agree that it is up to a couple to determine if they have sufficient reason to avoid children, but it is slightly problematic when a couple states that they will only have two (or three or five, etc) children before they have even had the first one. The “N kids and done” mindset shows a poor understanding of how prayer is to play into the decision. The decision to have more children should be approached through prayer on an ongoing basis considering the circumstances at that point in time. To do otherwise excludes God in the process.

We can all say, “I think I would like X children”, but it should always be with the caveat that God knows what is best for us and only by listening in prayer can we know what He is calling us to do.

Final thought: God sometimes seems to have a funny sense of humor. When my wife and I married I only wanted one (if that). After the first was born we said “well, this one wasn’t bad so maybe one more” but that’s it because more than two is irresponsible. Fast forward 17 years and two conversions later (neither my wife or I were Catholic) and we have 6. Despite drawing a line in the sand twice, God opened our hearts to accept what He called us to do. When asked if we are done we simply say “Not sure, God hasn’t let us know one way or the other yet.”

Long and short; can a Catholic couple say they only wants two kids? Sure. Could they practice NFP with the intent to stick to that goal? Sure. Would it be moral to do so? Only she and her husband will know if they reached their decision after prayerful consideration. If the reasons turn out to be selfish or self serving, then it is up to them to answer come judgement day.

 

[Colorad007]

You’re called to be open to life and generous with your love. NFP is permissible, but it is wrong to use NFP as a “get out of jail” card to avoid having the children that you should have. I hesitate to comment on the specifics of another person’s situation when I have no clue what is really going on.

 

[KatieM2]

I see nothing in the Bible to preclude a couple limiting their family size to two children. But Onan’s fate tells us a man should not spill his seed unless it’s with the intention of creating a new life. NFP is, in my view, an intent to breach that principle.

 

[TexCatholic4JMJ]

I ask this because I have a friend of mine who is an extremely devout Catholic woman who follows every letter of the church. However, she says she only wants to have 2 kids because she feels it would be environmentally irresponsible. …

If she were to research say Stephen Mosher’s books, studies etc., she would learn that this
is not a valid concern, especially for a devout Catholic. Man is a creation of God and thus
given gifts and talents to help humankind. In some countries, they are below replacement
level, and THAT is causing an enormous problems especially with aging populations. In the
US we are headed that way quickly. (Note that the baby boomers retiring are going to create
a huge bubble where more SS will be going out than is going in. It’s already starting to show
it’s consequences in those currently retired.)

 

[Royalist]

I see nothing in the Bible to preclude a couple limiting their family size to two children. But Onan’s fate tells us a man should not spill his seed unless it’s with the intention of creating a new life. NFP is, in my view, an intent to breach that principle.

How nice for you. In the Catholic Church, the teaching authority is the Magisterium, not individual lay interpretations of the Old Testament. And the church teaches that intercourse “open to life” in marriage is permissible, even if the couple chooses to do it during a time they think the woman is infertile.

As for the original question, there are legitimate reasons to use NFP to limit your family size to just two children. I doubt “it’s bad for the environment” is one of them, but it’s not really something the OP should be butting into. I will say that if one party to a marriage unilaterally decides to limit the family size, that marriage is in trouble.

 

[Miss_Felicity]

I would say in this case, its “option C” so to speak. If I read your OP correctly, this young lady isn’t married, nor does she have any children. I wouldn’t let this become bigger than it is. None of us know what the future holds for her or what decisions she will make when it is time to start a family. Either way I stand firmly on the side of someone’s family planning ideas and methods are only the business of the couple and any trained support they choose to seek (doctor, Priest, counselor etc)

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

I used to think this way when I was in college. I was slowly becoming serious about my faith, and while I didn’t have a strong understanding of the whole contraception - nfp situation, I did know that I had a major problem with hurting the environment by having too many children. Fast forward many years to now, and I question whether that is even possible, but back then I just assumed that I was correct. Well one day (through the help of a speaker at a conference), I came to the realization that God has a plan for all of us. If all of us followed God’s will, then the people who were meant to be single would not be having babies out of wedlock, and the population would go down. Furthermore, I realized that if God really does have a plan for us, then surely his plan is not inferior to the needs of the earth. So if everyone were to follow His plan, and some people had large families, while others remained celibate and didn’t procreate unwed, that it would probably all even out. So I realized that in order to do my part for the environment, the best thing I could do was focus on what God’s Will FOR ME is, and not deprive the world of a life intended by God simply because someone else went against God’s will with unchastity. In the case of your friend, I would encourage her to continue to pray about God’s Will for her in her life, and to focus less on making guesses as how her plans will save the environment. After all, surely God isn’t out to ruin the environment, so shouldn’t we have some confidence in asking God what he wills for us, rather than declaring what we absolutely won’t do?

 

[ack]

I would say in this case, its “option C” so to speak. If I read your OP correctly, this young lady isn’t married, nor does she have any children. I wouldn’t let this become bigger than it is. None of us know what the future holds for her or what decisions she will make when it is time to start a family.

I agree with this statement. Note that the OP isn’t asking if it’s okay for her to limit her family size…he’s asking us if it’s okay for her to say that she plans to limit the children in the event that she marries a hypothetical man who she hasn’t even met yet.

Although I’m not dead-set on needing a huge family (I could imagine being happy either way), I, personally, would see the woman’s talk as a red flag and avoid dating her. I’m not likely to get along with someone who sounds like a radical environmentalist.

However, I see her talk as being harmless right now, because I could envision her changing her heart after she meets someone and/or gets married. We’re not at a point where the validity of an impending marriage is at stake.

 

[E_7]

Here is what Pope Pius XII said on the topic, from Address to Midwives: to avoid its primary duty without a grave reason, would be a sin against the very nature of married life.

Serious motives, such as those which not rarely arise from medical, eugenic, economic and social so-called “indications,” may exempt husband and wife from the obligatory, positive debt for a long period or even for the entire period of matrimonial life.

~ Address to Midwives, Given by His Holiness Pope Pius XII, 29 October 1951

Yes. I want to add :

The Catechism of the Catholic Church explains, “A particular.aspect of [the fecundity of marriage] concerns the regulation of procreation. For just reasons, spouses may wish to space the births of their children” (CCC 2368). But the Catechism does not explicitly define what constitutes “just reasons.” Instead, proper determination is left up to the couple: “It is their duty to make certain that their desire is not motivated by selfishness but is in conformity with the generosity appropriate to responsible parenthood” (CCC 2368).

However, the language used in Church documents may be somewhat helpful. For example, Gaudium et Spes states,

[C]ertain modern conditions often keep couples from arranging their married lives harmoniously, and . . . they find themselves in circumstances where at least temporarily the size of their families should not be increased. As a result, the faithful exercise of love and the full intimacy of their lives is hard to maintain. (GS 51)

Humanae Vitae says that a couple may morally space births if there are well-grounded reasons “arising from the physical or psychological condition of husband or wife, or from external circumstances” (HV 16).

Ultimately, each couple must determine for themselves whether “just reasons” truly exist. Vademecum for Confessors Concerning Some Aspects of the Morality of Conjugal Life explains, “Certainly it is a duty of married couples—who, for that matter, should seek appropriate counsel—to deliberate deeply and in a spirit of faith about the size of their family, and to decide the concrete mode of realizing it, with respect for the moral criteria of conjugal life” (2.3).

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