Is it okay for parents to violate their children's privacy?

[SeekerJen]

I think parents have a right to snoop if they think something is up (and yes, parents need to be vigilant) but seriously, what is the point of listening in on your child’s phone calls or reading your child’s diary if they haven’t given you any reason NOT to trust them? Had my parents done that, it wouldn’t have encouraged me to change any unsavory behaviors if I was the sort of teen to engage in them (as it was, I graduated from high school a virgin and had never gone to a party with alcohol), it would merely have encouraged me to further hide my life from them and definitely to go elsewhere if I was in trouble and needed help. Since my parents were not pre-emptive snoopers, I knew that I could trust them when I did have problems. As I kept up my end (honor roll grades, kept curfew, was honest about where/when/with whom when I went out, did chores, treated them with love and respect), they afforded me the respect of trusting me.

If my parents had done what the OP’s parents did and I knew about it, I would have a difficult time even now sharing details of my life with them. I wouldn’t trust them to respect me.

 

[Yerusalyim]

I bet the parents of the kids who committed the Columbine Massacre had wished they snooped.

Yes, it’s ok to snoop. Children do not have a RIGHT to privacy. The snooping can be overdone…but by golly I checked my kids drawers more than once. For several reasons…I live in military housing, if one of my kids get caught with drugs at the house, I AM THE RESPONSIBLE PARTY.

Again, it can be overdone, and with some exceptions into the 20s is WAY over doing it and unhealthy…but snooping is fine.

 

[hasikelee]

Hello.

While growing up and into my teens and early twenties, my parents would, at times, listen in to my private phone conversations with my friends without letting me know they were doing so. They recently explained to me, now an older, allegedly grown-up adult myself, that it was their duty to do this to keep me from “getting hurt.” When I told them I’ve long felt it was a lack of respect on their part to act towards me in this way they laughed patronizing at me and told me it was nothing to be upset over, that parents have a right to do these sorts of things.

Any constructive thoughts or (name removed by moderator)ut?

Yeah, tell them to get used to it. Unless they plan on never going to school or work for the rest of their lives, or flying on a plane, or campaigning, or having kids, or going to the hospital, or anything other than living under a rock.

• Companies are allowed to search your personal property and person.
• Companies have set precedent in being allowed to listen to all phone conversations, monitor and save records of all calls made, all internet activity, even outside activity, such as where the associate travels or what the associate attends.
• Schools (especially my college, lol!) are allowed to confiscate your property, search your car and dorm, confiscate or report all of your writings, forums, emails, cellphone, etc.
• Just about any institution can do a background check on you
• Campaigning ensures that your opponents will learn everything about your past and publicly announce it

Honestly, where in the world do they get off thinking they can live in your house and have this “privacy”

I don’t understand this right to privacy thing…

 

[HannahLisa]

Just because someone has the ability to use the power of “snooping” does not mean that they should use it.

I live in a college dorm. Yes, the college can search my room if they feel the need. However, if they were doing so with no evidence whatsoever that it needed to be searched, that would be a problem.

If a parent is concerned about their child’s wellbeing and feels the need to search for drug paraphernalia, evidence of suicidal thoughts, etc, that’s one thing. If they are reading all of their child’s emails and listening in on all the phone calls on a regular basis, reading diaries, without any provocation, that is quite another. The former is understandable. The latter is just not acceptable.

 

[hasikelee]

Just because someone has the ability to use the power of “snooping” does not mean that they should use it.

I live in a college dorm. Yes, the college can search my room if they feel the need. However, if they were doing so with no evidence whatsoever that it needed to be searched, that would be a problem.

If a parent is concerned about their child’s wellbeing and feels the need to search for drug paraphernalia, evidence of suicidal thoughts, etc, that’s one thing. If they are reading all of their child’s emails and listening in on all the phone calls on a regular basis, reading diaries, without any provocation, that is quite another. The former is understandable. The latter is just not acceptable.

That is a good distinction, and an important one. It holds true for my example as well. One is taking responsibility for the individual on the owner’s property and one is emotional abuse.

I didn’t think the OP was talking about abusive situations of dependent boundaries.

 

[deb1]

I bet the parents of the kids who committed the Columbine Massacre had wished they snooped.

Yes, it’s ok to snoop. Children do not have a RIGHT to privacy. The snooping can be overdone…but by golly I checked my kids drawers more than once. For several reasons…I live in military housing, if one of my kids get caught with drugs at the house, I AM THE RESPONSIBLE PARTY.

Again, it can be overdone, and with some exceptions into the 20s is WAY over doing it and unhealthy…but snooping is fine.

I agree. Most people on this thread have made that distinction in their posts. I don’t read anyone on this thread saying that they wouldn’t snoop without being given a reason.

An example of using lack of privacy to have control over your children would be the Pearls. I know that the Pearls, (the people who wrote a child manual called, To Train Up A Child) don’t even advocate putting doors on your children’s rooms. Because your children, regardless of how trustworthy they have proved to be, shouldn’t have any privacy apart from the parents. Luckily no one on this forum is advocating such an extreme view.

 

[fellowChristian]

Only if they give me a reason to. Other then that,I work full time a graveyard shift with five kids, who has time to be that nosey?

I have even gone as far as to walk through the mess and pick up and discard things that were against house rules…

fishnet stockings

black nail polish

immoral posters

r rated movies they “borrowed” from friends

disturbing comic books

music sung by satan

you get the idea. She was a troubled 15 year old. Now ,as an adult, she is thankful of my mothering. She blew me away when she said

“I get it now,discipline is another form of love!”
we were talking about God. :crying:

 

[Brendan]

If a parent is concerned about their child’s wellbeing and feels the need to search for drug paraphernalia, evidence of suicidal thoughts, etc, that’s one thing. If they are reading all of their child’s emails and listening in on all the phone calls on a regular basis, reading diaries, without any provocation, that is quite another. The former is understandable. The latter is just not acceptable.

I’ve got parental controls enabled on the PC’s in our house. That means that I controll what websites the kids are allowed to (by name), I get copies of all their emails and I get copies of every IM they send or recieve.

Do I check that folder, very rarely. (as I also have controlls over who they can recieve mail or IM’s from in the first place) I check out a friend before they can IM them.

But it is still something that is necessary in today’s Internet enviroment, especially with pre-teens.

I might change that when they get older, but I’d rather start off with HUGE controlls and ease up later, than to try to implement tight controls later.

 

[KinseyMcGuire]

I am not a parent, but I am 25 so it hasn’t been very long since my teen years. My parents were strict with me, but in alot of ways I was given more privilgedes in certain areas because I was mature for my age in some regards.

I was allowed to have some amount of privacy, but it was up to me to let my parents know I could have it. When a new friend called my house, my Mom would talk to her for a few minutes just to feel them out. I was allowed to have a computer in my room, but my mother would come in and look over my shoulder whenever she wanted, along with random email and IM checks. When I went to someone’s house, my mother had to speak to the parents and when I went somewhere with friends they had to know who I was with, where I was going and when I planned to be back, if not by curfew time.

I’ve been writing as a survival mechanism since I was eight years old. (I have Tourette’s Syndrome and growing up was hard because of it.) My parents have always respected my privacy to write what I need to get out of my system. But when I was fourteen and my behavior was changing in ways that the Tourettes did not explain, my mother read some papers I had left laying on my dresser. It was then she learned I was being sexually abused, and if she hadn’t read that story, who knows how much longer it might have gone on.

My mother has told me when I do have children of my own someday, trust my intutition. If it doesn’t feel right, chances are it isn’t right and I need to check up on it to make sure. It’s better to have your kid angry at you then having sex, doing drugs, etc.

 

[crenfro]

I didn’t think the OP was talking about abusive situations of dependent boundaries.

I was indeed talking about abusive situations as well as trying to understand what’s a truly caring parental stance and what’s one that a parent may use to rationalize controlling, perhaps abusive, behavior and how can you tell the difference. Where is the line drawn? Both parents tell me this violation of privacy was done out of love, yet I feel that only one of my parents was doing it out of love while the other did it out of more questionable motives. It’s interesting to me that the parent I felt was truly doing this phone listening out of love is the one I feel cares for me more.

I suspect that parents who model intrusive behavior are teaching their children to be intrusive and to lack respect towards others.

One of my favorite sayings is “the purpose of a parent is to become unnecessary to his (and her!) children.” (I’m certainly NOT referring to Our Father in Heaven, however. )

Thank you all for listening and replying to me on this issue.

It helps me with obeying the commandment “Honor Thy Father and Mother,” with forgiveness towards others and with becoming more understanding of other’s faults as I see so many more of my own.

 

[BeneathMyWings]

It’s better to have your kid angry at you then having sex, doing drugs, etc.

Kinsey-

I think that even having your kid angry at you won’t prevent them from doing drugs or having sex. You have to raise them to believe that it’s wrong. I know that I got into sex and drugs at an early age because my parents were so harsh. Punishment never worked for me, it just made me more mad and made me want to lash out more. You have to raise your kids with a healthy understanding of why premarital sex is wrong, why drugs aren’t right, you can’t just expect to invade their privacy and hope they just get angry at you instead of lashing out to make you even more angry.

–Krystal