Is it okay if the wife is breadwinner and the husband stays home as care taker?

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newcatholicwife

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I’m asking from a Catholic moral standpoint. I went to a fundamentalist church for some time and they seem very firm about the biblical gender roles (that a wife shouldnt work away from home much at all).
I am concerned because although my husband and I do not have children yet, I want us to prepare now how to best serve our family.
Deep down I truly want to be the one to care for our children at home, especially before school years. When they start school I figure I can work part time.
Our problem is this. My husband is an undocumented immigrant. We are working on fixing his papers but it will take many many years, lots of money, and a possible move to Mexico for who knows how long.
This whole time I have been going to school for animation/graphic design. Of course its my passion but I also believe its one of the few things I can do freelamce work from home when we have young children. Later when I can work more I want to get far and successful in a steady job in the movie industry.
Given our situation I am terrified. My husband already works 60 hrs a week as a cook. He cant go to a university. I am starting to question my career choice.
Should I be focused on finding a more financially secure job and be the breadwinner? Like maybe in the sciences or law or something?
Honestly it breaks my heart to think Ill give birth to our babies and then a month later have to be in a suit working full time. I feel a nutural draw to be the caretaker but I dont know what we should do?
The priest that married us knew our situation and told me that I need to be going to school for a good career, and of course need to fix my husbands papers. When I told him my dream to be an animator, although I dont know how financially stable it is… he interupted harshly and asked why I would choose a career thats not so secure.
Honestly Im ok giving up that dream and doing somethimg else for financial security. The thing that really hurts me though is to think that I need to be the breadwinner and not the one caring for the family. Do you think in our situation I should plan on going to school to be the breadwinner? My family (relatives, husband) all brlieve in me, they believe I have so much talent and can get far in animation. Also its good because we can afford the school (taking skill classes at community college vs university). I am staying away from debt and school loans. But still… should I do something else… like nursing or law?
Im hoping after hubby gets his papers he can be the breadwinner. He wants to own his own business… like a restaurant. But it could be like ten years till he gets his rights…
We could get pregnant anytime… and this makes me so anxious especially because I dont know if Im doing the right thing career wise?
 
I think you do what is best for your family – if that means you’re the bread winner and your husband stays home, that’s what it means. I’m a firm believer in traditional roles, but I also think that some times life alters what is needed for the family at a given time and you just have to make it work.
 
I have stayed home for 8 years. My wife works. I homeschool we have 4 kids and are expecting our fifth. It is a wonderful Catholic home we have.
 
My husband and I have switched the roles back and forth a few times.

Hubby was THE breadwinner while I was pregnant with my first and we bought our first home. I had quit my job to stay home. He made plenty in the military.

Then he was laid off and we had to come up with a new plan.

We went back to school and took turns finishing our degrees and using the GI Bills to pay the mortgage and put food on the table.

He just finished and this semester it’s my turn to be the breadwinner and finish my degree. He will be at home with the kiddos for the next few years.

When I’m done, I’m not sure what we will do because I know we want more kids. He might be the first to go job hunting and see what he can get.

Degree wise, the major I’m finishing makes more money…we might both go to work. He might work full time and I might work part. We both might be full time. He might be part and I’ll work full.

I don’t know…but I know I will do what is best for my family. I’m not worried about what other people think about me going to work as a mom.
 
In these times, you do what you need to do to make a living.
I wish my husband COULD find ample employment, or a job at all even. But it’s just not happening. I don’t think God is mad at us because of it.
 
this women staying home and men going to work it a fairly recent development. ever since the industrial revolution, home and work have been very distinctly separated whereas it wasn’t before

i don’t really know if the church has said anything definite though
 
I think you do what is best for you and your family. If your husband can stay home with your children, then that will be a blessing for them.
 
I don’t think the Church has an official position on this, other than do what you need to do for your marriage, and respect your husband as the head. Just because he might stay at home doesn’t mean he’s not the head of the marriage.

My husband has experienced similar issues with jobs. He has struggled with unemployment, and we are thinking about whether or not he should be the stay-at-home when we do have children. If I were you, I would ignore those ideas about what are proper “gender roles” and focus on having a strong marriage. We have a very messed up economy and more likely than not, men are the ones losing their jobs. I don’t think it’s moral for wives to just sit around thinking things are going to be okay if they are the stay-at-home spouse when their husbands are struggling. JMO.

I am glad I came across your post, because I thought I was the only one who ever struggled with this.
 
angell1 said:
this women staying home and men going to work it a fairly recent development. ever since the industrial revolution, home and work have been very distinctly separated whereas it wasn’t before

i don’t really know if the church has said anything definite though
Click to expand...
True, very very true.
 
My first post was kind of a place holder.

This is my story:

I worked while my wife went to school. Then, we moved and we both worked in our respective careers. Mine, an accountant for a grocery chain. Hers: A Genetic plant scientist. When we became pregnant with our first child almost nine years ago. We decided to sit down and decide what is best for us. We both decided that we needed to have someone stay home with the kids. That was our first priority. And we knew that it would require sacrifice, both personal and financial. Based on earning potential, we decided it would be me. So, I went back to work at the store level on weekends. Right after the baby was born. This continued for a while where I was home with the baby mon-fri but worked the weekends. Then we had baby number two. This baby came with some severe medical issues. (thankfully not anymore) And we had to really focus on our priorities. I had a good friend who decided it would be a good fit to have me work for his company part time. But we continued on. Then our third was born and we faced a similar decisions. My oldest was nearing kindergarten and we decided to homeschool. So I became a homeschooling stay at home dad. Then our fourth was born and we moved because my wife got a new job. I was finally able to stop working all together and just run the house. I love it! Our family is a Catholic homeschooling, Traditional leaning TLM loving, happy, loud, and wonderful house.

Yes, it is the source of jokes among us and our friends. But it is the best way to raise our family.
 
newcatholicwife said:
I’m asking from a Catholic moral standpoint. I went to a fundamentalist church for some time and they seem very firm about the biblical gender roles (that a wife shouldnt work away from home much at all).
I am concerned because although my husband and I do not have children yet, I want us to prepare now how to best serve our family.
Deep down I truly want to be the one to care for our children at home, especially before school years. When they start school I figure I can work part time.
Our problem is this. My husband is an undocumented immigrant. We are working on fixing his papers but it will take many many years, lots of money, and a possible move to Mexico for who knows how long.
This whole time I have been going to school for animation/graphic design. Of course its my passion but I also believe its one of the few things I can do freelamce work from home when we have young children. Later when I can work more I want to get far and successful in a steady job in the movie industry.
Given our situation I am terrified. My husband already works 60 hrs a week as a cook. He cant go to a university. I am starting to question my career choice.
Should I be focused on finding a more financially secure job and be the breadwinner? Like maybe in the sciences or law or something?
Honestly it breaks my heart to think Ill give birth to our babies and then a month later have to be in a suit working full time. I feel a nutural draw to be the caretaker but I dont know what we should do?
The priest that married us knew our situation and told me that I need to be going to school for a good career, and of course need to fix my husbands papers. When I told him my dream to be an animator, although I dont know how financially stable it is… he interupted harshly and asked why I would choose a career thats not so secure.
Honestly Im ok giving up that dream and doing somethimg else for financial security. The thing that really hurts me though is to think that I need to be the breadwinner and not the one caring for the family. Do you think in our situation I should plan on going to school to be the breadwinner? My family (relatives, husband) all brlieve in me, they believe I have so much talent and can get far in animation. Also its good because we can afford the school (taking skill classes at community college vs university). I am staying away from debt and school loans. But still… should I do something else… like nursing or law?
Im hoping after hubby gets his papers he can be the breadwinner. He wants to own his own business… like a restaurant. But it could be like ten years till he gets his rights…
We could get pregnant anytime… and this makes me so anxious especially because I dont know if Im doing the right thing career wise?
Click to expand...
From what part of México is he? and what was his highest level of education completed?
 
Ingeniero said:
From what part of México is he? and what was his highest level of education completed?
Click to expand...
He grew up in Morelos with siblings but his parents live in an extremely rural area in the mountains (no electricity, cars, roads etc.) After he finished high school (16) his mom gave him the choice to live with them at their little ranch (very poor) or live on his own in the city. He lived on his own in the city then came here when he was 19. Hes been working a lot here ever since sending some money to help his family and save now for our future.
 
Nothing wrong with the wife working and the husband taking care of the kids.

I would argue that this is more “traditional” than both parents working. 😃
 
Do what is the best for your family - if that is you being the breadwinner, so be it.
My sister in law is an accountant who specializes in taxes. It is a good job and she is able to work from home. Another friend who has a degree in accounting (her specialty is an accounting auditor). She has a very good career and never failed to found a job.
 
The pope the other day on twitter reminded young people not to be mediocre, if you have a talent and drive go for it! It sounds like you have a plan with freelancing, and a supportive family, all key ingredients. Your children will learn so much from a mother who loves her work, even if it means you are poor (hopefully only for a little while). Remember the holy family was poor. I think you can find a way to share the work between you and your husband, and you work part time freelancing yourself, enlist help of family too, stay close to them if possible, and your husband can pull a low wage on a full time job and you can both survive. Pray for the Holy Spirit to guide you! I will pray for you, how exciting that you will soon be starting a new life with your husband to be, you must love him to be ready to face all these difficulties with him.
 
angell1 said:
this women staying home and men going to work it a fairly recent development. ever since the industrial revolution, home and work have been very distinctly separated whereas it wasn’t before

i don’t really know if the church has said anything definite though
Click to expand...
My grandfather’s parents owned a business and they both worked. So, technically, neither was home taking care of the children. They had a nanny. This was around 1890-1900.
 
on_the_hill said:
My grandfather’s parents owned a business and they both worked. So, technically, neither was home taking care of the children. They had a nanny. This was around 1890-1900.
Click to expand...
There are exceptions to every trend.

But you do realize that two working parents is more common today right?
 
My wife makes most of the money and I stay home with our 15 month old.

I do some contract work to keep my resume active.

It works out well for us.
 
My wife is working on her PhD. I’m looking forward to the day when she starts working so I can retire to the life to which I would like to be accustomed to. 😃
 
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